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Catholicism vs. Witchcraft Part II

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Warning: This is an irreverent satire written by a feminist pagan.

All new material.

The genesis of my Catholicism vs. Witchcraft articles were some teenagers who came onto an online pagan forum and asked if they as Catholics could practice witchcraft. Although paganism is very trendy right now, I was forced to tell them that my understanding was that they could not practice witchcraft and remain Catholics in good standing. Anticipating their dilemma, I made up a list comparing witchcraft to Catholicism.

Advantages of witchcraft–

1) As seen on T.V.!

2) Always wanted to have own dagger

3) Three words: Samhain Samhain Samhain

4) I’m not a nerd; I’m a wizard

5) Snotty cheerleaders at school be turning into bugs
real soon

6) No burning people alive! *

7) Wanna wear Goth wardrobe

8) Need to justify compulsive spending on candles

9) What other religion mixes swords and teenagers?

10) Original sin? What’s so original?

11) Somehow need to incorporate self-mutilation into

12) 1 million disturbed teenagers can’t be wrong

13) No need to save those pagan babies after all

14) Still traumatized by “rap session” with seventies
youth pastor in tie-dyed cassock

15) Makes the crops grow

16) Saints vs. Pagan Gods–K-POW!

17) Give Jesus a rest

18) Religious induction begins after child’s ability
to speak

19) No more looking at creepy bleeding dead guy on

20) They said our love wouldn’t last
. . . .until we went and got handfast

21) Power, unlimited power

22) No one really believes that shit in the bible

23) They call him the Love God, and he’s 100% pagan

24) No purgatory–straight to Valhalla!

25) Lots o’ scary vegan baked goods **

26) Wicca: you’ll come for the worship; you’ll
stay for the potluck.

27) In pagan heaven, each person gets 100,000 puppies

28) There is no other way to get mead

29) No shirt, No shoes, No problem

–and finally–

30) Nothing says lovin’ like something from the coven

*except druids, yeah, o.k.
**o.k. score one for Catholicism
***o.k. I made that up, but they started it!

The books chosen to accompany this article are by Starhawk and Margot Adler, both credible and brave pagan authors.

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About Cerulean

  • Dave Nalle

    Do we get to eat the 100,000 puppies?


  • Cerulean

    Again, could you share your spiritual affiliation with us, Dave? Whatever it is that inspires your mindset deserves full credit.

  • rev_g33k_101

    damn that was funny

  • The Demigodd

    About #9:

    I don’t know about swords and teenagers, but Islam mixes assault rifles with teenagers. That’s a compromise.

    About #22:

    I don’t think I’d be around long enough if there was shit in a bible, let alone believe it.

  • Cerulean

    Thanks rev 101. I think Demigodd is disagreeing with me, but I’m not sure.

  • The Demigodd

    Nah, I’m just making a joke. But I choose neither. Don’t want to be obligated to something intangible at the moment.

  • andromeda

    Lol! Very funny and delightfully bizzare… kudos!

  • Loki

    As Druids (re: rule 6 footnote), do we always have to burn people alive?

    What if we’d rather make bunny slippers from fluffy bunnies, and only burn alive PINO’s (pagan in name only types) who tend to be problematic with pseudo-xtian notions of oppressive social order antithetical to many pagan paths?

    As mongrel Americans, if we’re both Druids and Norse, can we pick which ones to rape or pillage before burning, or are we stuck burning alive first, contrary to our Norse practices?

  • gonzo marx

    Loki…feel free to burn first…then rape

    bar-b-q- sauce optional..

    to Cerulean


    now come over here and clean the orange soda off of my Monitaur!


  • DrPat

    Free ASINs: 0300078803 (The Spanish Inquisition); 0875421180(Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner); 0801859328 (Women in the Inquisition); 0919345921 (A Witch’s Bible); 0141301104 (Dahl’s The Witches)

  • gonzo marx

    no one expects the Spanish Inquisition!


  • DrPat

    Your post prompted my spouse to go out to “worship the goddess”, i.e. to plant something in the garden…

  • Bennett

    Which is funnier? The post or the comments? Thanks guys, my dimples hurt.

  • HW Saxton

    Another advantage of paganism: You don’t
    get those damn communion wafers stuck to
    the roof of your mouth.

  • gonzo marx

    you also get to ask the Jehovah’s Witnesses to come inside for a nice Black Mass

    it really throws them a curve when you ask if either are a virgin becuase you got a last minute cancellation…

    but that could just be my idea of Fun…


  • Dave Nalle

    >>Your post prompted my spouse to go out to “worship the goddess”, i.e. to plant something in the garden…<<

    Depending on the goddess in question she might be better off planting _someone_ in the garden.


  • Cerulean

    With some exceptions, that sick. Some of you know nothing about paganism.

  • The Demigodd

    So, he was SERIOUS about paganism.


    No comment.

  • Cerulean
  • The Demigodd

    What are we, 7th graders? Have some more maturity, or at least a better joke.

    But seriously, if I hurt your feelings, I am sorry. I didn’t know paganism was your obession. That’s cool. For me, actually having a LIFE is my thing. So we’re all the same here. No need to wet your panties over a little fun. I thought paganism was extinct, until you kindly brought it up. It’s nice to see that you’re the ONLY person holding up the tradition. Keep it up!

  • Tal

    Paganism is far from dead. in fact it is
    one of the fastest growing religions in the western world.

    I came here through a link to this story on
    a.k.a. The Witches’ Voice

  • Robert Henson a.k.a Reptile

    that was cute. some of the traditions of the catolic church is in there but u forgot that we dont have holly wars nor mollest little kids. bravo on the other stuff.

  • Shark

    Funny stuff, Cerulean; very good!

    Shark’s Favorite Lines:

    — Give Jesus a rest

    — Religious induction begins after child’s ability to speak

    — No more looking at creepy bleeding dead guy on cross


    Shameless plug warning: Here are mine from your Version 1.0:

    Why Witches Have More Fun Than Catholics:

    1) Virgin Mary wouldn’t remain a virgin long;

    2) Witches alway have the best CD collections;

    3) Witches don’t limit *wine consumption to one tiny little sip;

    4) Drinking *blood is sometimes not restricted to a “symbolic act”;

    5) Not against abortion; as a matter of fact, it’s okay to sacrifice live babies during special events!

    6) Naked ceremonies; save money on outfits;

    7) Male priests like to have sex with women instead of young boys…

    Your mileage may vary.

    Hail Eris! Hail All Discordia!

  • Pat Cummings

    Cerulean, you need to be careful about leaving spaces or line feeds at tend of your Amazon ASIN(s) when you post.

    If you get a “Free ASIN” dump from DrPat, it’s a good indication that your Amazon links aren’t showing up!

  • DrPat

    u forgot that we dont have holly wars

    I would think that Druids, anyway, would have holly wars.

    BTW, Cerulean, you have to expect irreverence and satire in comments to a post that begins Warning: This is an irreverent satire. Although with some BS commenters, irreverence and satire is the usual mode…

  • Shawnee

    I am Pagan (married to a Catholic, none the less) AND I found this HILARIOUS! “Jesus”..some people need to get a sense of humor “for Christ’s sake”!

  • believer

    wow that was a waste of my time and since i am a witch i think i would rather wear black and cut myself than read that crap again……….schmucks

  • Chalk

    Quote Shark: 5) Not against abortion; as a matter of fact, it’s okay to sacrifice live babies during special events!

    hehehehehe…man thats funny! XD

  • Cerulean

    That book is NOT the one I chose. That is not ok. Pat Cummings, I’m not sure what you mean, but maybe that has something to do with it.

  • Cerulean

    DemiGodd, the comment you responded to wasn’t directed at you but you’re in it now. Thanks to the readers for whatever compliments were mixed in there with all the rest. These threads bring out some very weird people. Much weirder than any pagans I know.

  • Bennett

    I think Pat means that the numbers for your Amazon book (or CD or movie, whatever) have nothing but the number. No spaces before or after, no “enter” or carriage return (from typewriters) before or after the numbers, nothing, zero, zip. Just the num/letters for the product.

    Then YOUR choice of an item will show up.


    I enjoyed the post!


  • HW Saxton

    On the serious side,I respect to varying
    degrees any and all religions that honor
    and respect the earth, nature & all of
    the beauty,power and force inherent to

  • Loki

    Excelsior! – How do I tell which flavor of special sauce goes with toasted virgin maidens, mothers, or crones? Can they be burned together, or do cooking times vary? Do the best orgasms come from rare, medium, or well done, or with enough mead, does that matter? (Anyone know the words to The Ballad of Mythr Red, sung to the Mister Ed theme song melody?)

    Tal, seriously….. paganism isn’t _A_ religion, but a broad range of religions which are not Abrahamic. It’s an often misused reference, and doesn’t necessarily even imply Earth centric, though that’s common.

    Even if constrained to North American Neopagan paths collectively, have you ever reviewed the statistical data used to support that “fastest growing” claim?

    I have, peripheral to a Druidic pagan PAC effort. They appear both accurate, and a gross lie, as statistics so easily allow. The raw numbers do show the highest growth vector of any classified group. They’re also a small enough percentage of the total so as to exist within the margin of error range, and be statistically invalid as a basis for extrapolated comparisons.


    Another pagan advantage:

    The Saga of the Great Voodoo Phallus can play a double role when told at ritual, as a joking story about sex can serve as perfectly serious religious practice.

  • adam

    I thought being a pagan was about intra-family fucking, but now I know it’s OK to barbecue babies, too. Magfucknificent post.

  • Dave Nalle

    >>Comment 26 posted by Shawnee on May 20, 2005 12:59 PM:
    I am Pagan (married to a Catholic, none the less) AND I found this HILARIOUS! “Jesus”..some people need to get a sense of humor “for Christ’s sake”!

    Comment 27 posted by believer on May 20, 2005 01:03 PM:
    wow that was a waste of my time and since i am a witch i think i would rather wear black and cut myself than read that crap again……….schmucks

    apparently Shawnee was dead wrong about the sense of humor thing.


  • Pat Cummings

    The books chosen to accompany this article are by Starhawk and Margot Adler, both credible and brave pagan authors. If that is not what you see, someone here tampered with this article.

    No, Cerulean, it means you entered the Amazon link numbers with something else in the field — in this case, 4 or 5 hard returns. And the Editors have the right and responsibility to make sure that each post has those Amazon links showing.

    DrPat may see a post without visible links, and comment with a string of ASINs, but that doesn’t mean those books will show up linked to your post. Unless, of course, you have not added any link numbers to the post in the first place!

    Please be more careful when you enter the Amazon link numbers, and you won’t have to worry about editorial “tampering.”

  • Dave Nalle

    I knew the editors were out to get pagans. Those bastards!

    Actually, if they wanted to help pagans out they’d replace the Margaret Adler and Starhawk links with links to serious works on real paganism, not new age frufru pseudopaganism.


  • Cerulean

    Judge Bradford, I dedicate this article to you.

    Revision to copyright notice: to avoid confusion, everyone please ask for permission to reprint this article. Thank you.

  • kevin

    To the christians here…
    Every organized religion has had an alterior motive, mainly greed/power as we can see in the middle east. We Pagans/earth based folks only love life, our planet, and each other.

  • kevin

    I guess what I mean is if you look at most of our sabbats the christians have taken them over and forgotten about where they came from. They dont teach there children about it and in fact its like we are cursed at for even trying to say that centain practices like “easter” OSTERA or “halloween” SAMHAIN were ever none other than christian practices… I dont wont to put anyone down for there beliefs but come on! We have been shunt and forgotten and even called devil worhipers. How did this happen?

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