President Bush really does have a sense of humor, and at times, it’s quite sophisticated. He gives nicknames to all of his friends and associates — such as “Kenny-Boy” to Ken Lay, the disgraced CEO of Enron, and “Big Dick” to Vice President Cheney — when he can find him. When not irritated with his Secretary of State, Bush calls Colin Powell “Colin-oscopy”. While not on the level of say, Oscar Wilde or Mark Twain, Bush’s hijinks have been known to keep the Oval Office in stitches.
Now that Bush is facing a reelection campaign, he’s had to leave the White House (and his ‘ranch’ where he raises mesquite and scrub brush) to maintain that $500,000 per day campaign war chest.
Which means, as described by reporter Richard W. Stevenson, he’s taken his show “on the road”:
For months, he has gotten big yucks from crowds at his fundraisers by saying that the nation has had “no finer vice president than Dick Cheney,” and then waiting a moment to deliver his punch line. “Mother,” he would add, referring archly to his father’s tenure in the No. 2 spot, “may have a second opinion.”
In the last few weeks, he has added his brother Jeb, governor of Florida, to his humor hit list. After appearing with or mentioning his party’s newest star, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger of California, Mr. Bush has offered this zinger: “I used to think the coolest governor was from Florida.”
But he really risked familial tension in a speech to donors earlier this week in Houston when he brought up his wife, Laura. “I married the greatest first lady the country has ever had,” he said. “Mother included,” he added, prompting roars of somewhat nervous laughter in Barbara Bush’s hometown.
(One pictures the hormonally imbalanced matriarch gettin’ out a switch and threatening the war president with a severe beating.)
Bush has other hilarious lines up his sleeve, as I discovered recently when I was given illicit copies of future speeches by an unnamed source close to the President.
Some zingers from these secretly obtained documents:
“You know how I knew that Saddam was hiding all kinds of weapons of mass destruction? I looked at our receipts.”
“I didn’t say Iraq was trying to acquire uranium from Niger. I said they were trying to acquire a geranium.”
“I asked Robert Novak what happened with Ambassador Wilson’s wife. He said she wore a low-cut blouse, had to bend over to pick up a death threat, and accidentally exposed herself.”
“What do John Kerry and Osama Bin Laden have in common? Neither will be around come November.”
“When I met with my bueno amigo, President Vincente Fox, I told him, ‘Vinny, you know why Mexico will never do well in the Summer Olympics? Because any Mexican who can run, jump, and swim is already in America!”
“Laura came home from the doctor the other day — said she was diagnosed with PMS. She said, “I wonder why they call it PMS?” and I said, “Honey, cause ‘Mad Cow Disease’ was already taken.”
“Know why we called it the Axis of Evil? (pause) So when we nuke ‘em, we can call what’s left an Ax hole.”
“I asked David Kay how far along the Iraqi’s were on their space missile program; he said they were still developing a working match.”
“I heard John Kerry’s wife doesn’t like to use a dildo. Said it chips her teeth.”
“After 9/11, Rumsfeld brought me an update on our Star-Wars Defense Initiative. I asked him, “Donny-Dee, how much to add a setting for ‘crop-dusters’?”
“When I saw that chunk of burned up airplane on Donny-Dee’s desk and I said, “I hope that’s not a souvenir from 9/11.” And Donny-Dee looked up, smiled and said, “No sir, that’s a nose cone that serves as a doorstop.”
“You know how many days you have to serve in the National Guard to get an honorable discharge? (pause) Hell, how should I know?!”
“SPECIAL NOTE: Mr. President, when the script says “pause”, don’t read the word “pause” aloud. Repeat: Don’t read the word “pause” aloud.”