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Bush Ordered NSA to Spy while Ordering Pizza

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The New York Times has just reported that President Bush ordered the National Security Agency to spy on domestic targets early in 2002 without getting the necessary warrants.

In an unusual move for the normally tight-lipped administration, it was reported immediately afterward that the president also had the following done:

  • Had Jon Stewart investigated to find out why Stewart was so harsh toward Bush on The Daily Show. Bush stated that he “wouldn’t accept it anymore!” Stewart responded: “President Bush invites abuse; it would be rude of him not to accept it.”
  • Invited Pamela Anderson to the White House to see if she was really “that hot” in person. Following the visit, Fox Network took a call from the White House insisting that even though Anderson has virtually no talent, she should be given her own show so W could see her weekly.

In a related matter, Vice President Dick Cheney installed Tivo immediately after the visit. Although no one remembers him being in the room at the time, there were odd noises coming from the office next door.

Meanwhile, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had dermabrasion done to his personality to see if some of the assholedness could be removed. Doctors reported that unfortunately the assholedness permeated his entire being; in order to remove it, they would have to remove Rumsfeld. The doctors unanimously thought this the best procedure, but Rumsfeld felt a second opinion was in order.

Later, Rumsfeld ordered background invesigations of the doctors; he was shocked to learn that they all were actually Republicans.

Inside sources report that Bush actually considered having all senators who backed Sen. John McCain’s (R-AZ) anti-torture bill tortured. The president was convinced instead to invite them all to spend a week with him at his ranch in Crawford, TX. When wind of this got out, several senators insisted the Justice Department immediately broaden its definition of torture.

Stay tuned for more disclosures.

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About Marlowe

  • I almost believed all of this — until I read the part about Pam Anderson. Surely nobody really thinks she’s hot!


  • J.M. Harrison

    Oh good Lord Phillip! Do you watch TV with your cane?

    J.M. Harrison

  • Pug-ugly, that woman is. As unpleasant as cold vomit on burnt toast.

  • J.M. Harrison

    “cold vomit on burnt toast”

    Phillip… Undoubtedly the most VIVID metaphor I’ve seen in months. Of course I’ll have to steal it.

    J.M. Harrison

  • Thanks, J.M. Nominations for Comment of the Day are gladly accepted. 🙂

  • Personally I think “burnt vomit on cold toast” would be a more vivid, disgusting metaphor.

    I would pay to watch Jon Stewart and George Bush
    meet and try to interview each other.

    I read though the whole piece but didn’t see any more mention of the pizza. The headline did make me hungry, though.