On September 11, 2010, the congregation of the Foist Our Beliefs on Others Church will be burning 150 Bibles in protest and offer Christians the opportunity to convert. Reverend Jerry Tones, recently ordained at www.weordainanyone.com, claims divine inspiration for this protest, “It’s about time someone showed those evil Christians what we think of their so-called Holy Book.” When asked if he had any concerns for the rights of Christians to practice their religion freely in the United States, Rev Tones said, “I thought about it a little while at the Piggly Wiggly the other day and decided Christians really need to get with us and join in our Church. We are the only people to know the true religion and the correct method to worship. We are doing them a favor.”
“We feel that Christianity is a danger to those who practice it,” Reverend Tones emphatically stated as he oiled his 22 caliber rimfire semi-automatic pistol. “Oh, and I’m fixing to be armed and ready just in case any of those hot-blooded Christians come after me on September 11th if they don’t like it, I’m burning their book.”
The FOBO Church is a small non-denominational congregation of about 50 people who have no actual belief or disbelief except that all male members are required to wear absurd facial hair and all women dress in white blazer jackets. The men are devoted to the use of Balm of Gilead pomade which they liberally apply to their bizarre facial hair, sometimes fashioning extreme handlebar mustaches. The Church meets several times a week for potluck dinners and games of Euchre. Reverend Tones vehemently denies all accusations that he cheats at Euchre. It was merely a coincidence the other night when his wife named trump and Tones happened to place his hand over his heart just before she called “hearts”.
Tones offers several examples of why Christianity is a religion to fear and shun. The following are examples of vicitms at the hands of Christian zealots:
The Crusades (1095-1291): Hungary, Turkey, Antioch, Jerusalem, Constantinople, best estimate – 20 million dead.
The Inquisition (1232-1568): estimated four million victims, special mention for Torquemada responsible for 10,220 burnings all by himself.
The Great Witch Craze (1484-1750): several hundred thousand (80% women).
Suppression of the Huguenots (1372): 20,000 in France.
Counterreformation (1631): 30,000 Protestants in Magdeburg, Germany.
Persecution of the Jews (600s to 1400s): In 694 Jews of Toledo Spain had all property confiscated and their children were forcibly baptized. In 1257 and 1267, the Jewish communities of London, Canterbury, Northampton, Lincoln, Cambridge, and others were exterminated. In the 1340s Jews all over Europe were killed for supposedly spreading plague.
Reverend Tones is also irked by the constant infighting by the disorganized sects of Christianity. Each one claims superiority over the others and often disputes end in fisticuffs, bloodshed, and some pretty nasty name-calling. Rather than trying to understand such mayhem, Tones suggests his “Bible Burning might be the wake-up call those Christian folks need to see how wrong they are to live the way they do. I’m ready to talk with them and help them down the path to joyous discovery of bad facial hair and pomade. Just give me a call. That’s all I want. I’m not asking for any trouble, but if anyone comes looking for it, I have my weapon right handy.”