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Bruce Lee Meets His Match

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Way back when we were dating, The Princess and I started this “thing”. It was a kind of goofy joke between the two of us, actually. We would do “pretend” karate on each other. In slow motion.

We’d make Bruce Lee faces and sounds and we’d do punches to the face, tummy and groin. We’d do kicks, chops and head-butts. Nothing actually connected with anything, and no one got hurt. We’d just laugh and try not to pee ourselves in the process.

Once, we even did it while we had company over for dinner. I opened the refrigerator door and accidentally bopped The Princess with it. She, in her dinner dress and heels, proceeded to “chop” me in the throat. I countered with a swift “kick” to the head. All of this complete with Bruce Lee faces and sounds. Our guests watched, too stunned to speak and not too sure if we were for real. Or just insane.

Last month, The Princess was all excited over this VHS tape she’d bought over at Target. It was an exercise tape with some goofy-looking chick on the cover. This chick had a big smile and looked like she was marching or something. I was not impressed.

“You’ve got to try this with me! It’s a great workout.” The Princess twittered as she scooted up the stairs with her new tape.

“What kind of workout? I don’t do those stupid step things — or fake kickboxing.” I screamed up after her.

“It’s walking!” She answered from upstairs.

Walking? Why the hell would we need a VHS tape to help us walk for exercise? We do it every day on the trails (when they’re not flooded) or through our neighborhood… I declined the invitation.

I could hear stomping upstairs and the muffled sounds of aerobic-inspired music. I resisted the temptation to go up and see what this “walking” tape was about. How can you walk around in your room? How stupid is that?

The next day, The Princess shot out of the house and zoomed on over again to Target.

“I’ve got to get the other tape!” She exclaimed. “It’s an even farther distance, and a harder workout.” She took off.

Farther distance? Harder workout? I went upstairs and looked around our bedroom. Nope. No hidden tunnels or running tracks. Still the same ‘ol room. I waited for The Princess to return. I was going to try this new tape with her.

When she returned, I was all dressed-out for my walk with the VHS tape. The Princess plopped the tape down and got herself ready. Here’s what she did:

1. Turn thermostat off.
2. Go upstairs to master bedroom, close door.
3. Open window in master bedroom.
4. Close bathroom door in master bedroom.
5. Wrap cling-wrap around midsection.
6. Get dressed-out for major workout.
7. Stand with hands on hips wondering what the hell I was waiting for.

I smiled, and nodded toward the VHS deck. She opened the new tape’s package, and put the tape in. She turned on the TV, changed it to channel 3 and hit “Play”. She placed herself on one side of the bed and motioned for me to go and stand on the other.

“Walk Away The Pounds” started to play. It was the “3 Mile Fat Burning” workout. Yeah, right. The goofy chick on the tape cover came out, yakking away. She had about ten other people behind her, all different ages and shapes. They were marching away to music.

The Princess gave me “The Look”, so I started marching along with them. How stupid did I feel? Quite, thank you.

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