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Briggs: Joe Bob Goes Back to the Drive-In—Pure Fun

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Bad satirists are left alone; it only hurts when it’s good.
&#8212Stephen King, reviewing Joe Bob Brigg’s movie commentary.

Before you can write a review, you need some standards by which to judge your chosen target. For Joe Bob Briggs, who admitted in 1990 to having watched “more than 23,000 drive-in movies,” the standards are: Blood, Breasts and Beasts.

Using these criteria, Briggs has rated movies for The Movie Channel, the Dallas Observer, syndicated radio and newspaper columns, and in his own one-man touring show. He has put his eyes and soul on the line for us guys, telling us the Ten Best Flicks to Get Nookie By, and why Arnold Schwarzenegger is the No. 1 Drive-In Actor in the World.

Briggs is not afraid to rate films highly&#8212even when “the entire Motion Picture Industry and Critics Galore” are in opposition. Consider the 1985 remake of Bride of Frankenstein, with Sting as the eponymous Doctor, and Jennifer Beals as his creation. Briggs’ bottom line for this film:

Excellent monster fu. Four breasts, but I’m gonna count em as eight, cause they’re these humongous fat-lady circus breasts that are the biggest breasts in the history of breasts. One gallon blood. Two beasts. One head rolls. Midget trapeze. Gratuitous Geraldine Page. Monster hangover. Crypt. Boneyard. Haunted mansion. Stake through heart. Four dead bodies… Four stars.

You have to understand, though, that Briggs is not just a movie critic. No, Joe Bob believes in things. Things like First Amendment rights, and anti-Communist activism. He even paid&#8212″two bucks… it was the principle of the thing”&#8212to verify that his First Amendment rights had been violated.

Bubba looked up the First Amendment, and it said I have the “right to bare arms.” A lot of people don’t understand the US Constitution, and so they read that and they say, “All that means is you can wear muscle shirts to a Neal Diamond concert.” These are what is known in America as stupid people… Course, you know what happens ever time a drive-in movie critic gets assassinated. Somebody starts screaming for gun control.

And lest you dismiss this as the egotist’s version of political rectitude, in which only Joe Bob’s rights are of concern to him, there are the multitude of Communist Alert! items in the book. An eerie echo of today’s Homeland Security-driven climate is found in the costume-party faux paux of Texan Russell Scott, who showed up dressed in a turban, with road flares strapped to his chest&#8212and this was years before 9/11.

The Travis County Sheriff’s department … arrested him while he was buttering a potato for impersonating an Arab Terrorist, ripped the road flares off his chest, cuffed him, threatened to arrest two other people who intervened, took him to jail, charged him with “possession of a hoax bomb,” left him in a cell with a guy charged with pushing heroin… We’re talking Retards with Badges.

No, Joe Bob Briggs continues to do us all a cardinal service by pointing out the hypocrisy and cynicism rampant in movies. And by telling us which of those movies have great views of breasts.


And the (1985) winners were…

For a different look at movies to rent or buy, see David Meyer’s 100 Best Films to Rent You’ve Never Heard Of.

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About DrPat

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    Nice one, Pat. i quite enjoy mr brigg’s criticisms, and his tongue-in-cheek “redneck”-isms. The only book i have of his is Profoundly Disturbing, but, alas, barring some 1930’s gems, he didn’t really relate anything especially ground-breaking.

  • http://paperfrigate.blogspot.com DrPat

    Joe Bob also has a B-Movie webring, with his blog (linked to his name in my post) at the “center.”

  • HW Saxton

    Duke, You need to read “Joe Bob Goes To
    The Drive-In” and continue on from there
    should you be further interested. You’ll
    likely change your opinion of Joe Bob’s
    work. If “…Drive In” does not pull you
    into his sway,then likely nothing will.

  • SFC Ski

    Joe Bob Briggs is the go-to critic for B-movies. Leave the Hollywood gloss to Roger Ebert, the drive-in belongs to Joe Bob.

  • Doc

    Didn’t he used to give a rating on “Bimbo-fu” for films where women fought each other?

  • http://paperfrigate.blogspot.com DrPat

    Killer bimbo fu. Monster fu. Midget fu. Spaghetti fu. Zombie fu. Double-barrel shotgun fu. Geisha bath fu. Sony Trinitron fu. Zipper fu. Hammer fu. Butcher-knife fu. Safeway fu. TV wrassling fu. Fat fu. Coke machine fu.

    And that’s just five movies…

  • HW Saxton

    Gun Fu,Car Fu,Knife Fu,Sword Fu,Pen Fu
    (some flick where a guy gets a pen right
    through the eye),Bomb Fu,Breast Fu(from
    a Chesty Morgan movie)Saw Fu,To Fu(very
    tasty in a Black Bean Sauce)Truck Fu,etc
    etc etc… All Fu’s are really from Joe
    Bob Briggs reviews. No BS. Except the To
    Fu.That’s from Pin Kaow Palace,a Chinese
    take out joint right around the corner
    from me on 17th St & Decatur.

    Joe Bob(nee John Bloom)was a serious and
    respected film critic specializing in
    mainly reviews of Foreign & “Art” movies
    before he started reviewing the Drive In
    flicks under the nom de plum J.B Briggs.

  • http://paperfrigate.blogspot.com DrPat

    Joe Bob’s letest foray into B-movie commentary has been providing a source of features for release of older movies on DVD. His web site ledes with a half-dozen or so current ones.

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    i keep meaning to pick up the region 2 special edition of I Spit On Your Grave, which has a Joe Bob commentary. One of these days.

    And HW, i will seek that number out ASAP

  • http://paperfrigate.blogspot.com DrPat

    My spouse just ran across a book in an antique store called “Snake Fights, Rabbit Fights and More” (Amazon 0590317202), which had a little label the store had put on it, Rabbit Fu for Children.

    Damn! that Joe Bob gets around…

  • HW Saxton

    Ah ha!”I Spit On Your Grave” sez Duke De
    Mondo. That there is likely Ms. Camille
    Keatons finest moment.And her only.

    Taking a bath with the girlfriend was
    never quite the same after watching that
    movie.

    I’ve always wanted to make a movie about
    life in an fast food restaurant called
    “I Spit On Your Gravy”.