Home / Culture and Society / Brian Urlacher Out for Season: Or, Why Crichton’s Next Book Will be About the Chicago Bears

Brian Urlacher Out for Season: Or, Why Crichton’s Next Book Will be About the Chicago Bears

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One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.
– Kurt Vonnegut

More insidious than MRSA, more feared than H1N1 swine flu, and more irritating than that rash you picked up after an ill-fated encounter Saturday night: the injury bug is back in the Bears’ locker room and no amount of disinfectant will rid them of it.

Apparently, Brian Urlacher was the first to ignore the quarantine on former Bear Mike Brown as Urlacher will likely be out for the year again with a dislocated wrist after last night’s game in Green Bay.

Hopefully, the time off will help his perpetually sprained toe, arthritic back and neck, and the thumb calluses caused by sending inappropriate text messages to his baby mama.

Utterly unassisted by this latest assault on the ever-fragile Urlacher body and mythos is the Bears’ defense. No, Urlacher hasn’t been as good as his reputation in… well, ever, but he’s not half-bad, either.

The defense has been charged with all the heavy lifting on this supposed Super Bowl run and depth might be important as long as Jay Cutler insists on watching the defense play as much as possible.

More importantly, Bears fans will be subjected to at least two shots of a sullen Urlacher sulking on the sidelines each week from here on out, usually after a completion over the middle to a third tight end.

That may sound mildly annoying at worst, but remember that sullenness is highly contagious. Your teenager caught it from their friends who caught it from their friends who caught it from Brian Urlacher last season.

If you want to break the infectious chain, wash your hands of the Bears’ season starting today. If you wait too long, you’ll be kicking over your beer and sneering at the TV soon enough. At that point, no amount of Lance Briggs injections will help.

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About Tuffy

  • Is that the late Michael Crichton?

  • Tuffy

    Michael Crichton was replaced by ELIZA in 1996 to keep the money flowing. If you tell ELIZA a world fear, a right-wing consipracy, and a location, she spits out two novels and a screenplay.