For the last two years in Iraq, it was a dark and stormy night. Then on Sunday, after a semi-successful election, apparently the Sun of Freedom is shining the Light of Democracy through a Rainbow of Rosy Predictions about the future of this once-dangerous hell-hole.
Dare we say it?
Yes, let’s do.
Yes, the election in Iraq finally took place. Everything is now beautiful. It was worth the over 1400 American lives, the 200-plus billion dollars, and the isolation, scorn, and mistrust of our European allies.
How quickly things change! The American-hating, terrorist-loving Leftists have been trampled under the Far Right’s Grapes of Wrath. A disasterous pre-ejaculatory orgasm-interruption known as “early withdrawal” has been turned into a Neo-Con wet dream that brings a Biblical Rapture to the Faithful True Believers in the Messiah of Freedom, George W. Bush!
How can the Right-Wingers fully express their glee with their Brave Commander In Chief?
How do we love thee?
Let us count the ways:
for Most Empty, Blowhard Cliches Per Sentence
FIRST PRIZE: Dave Nalle
“…Every vote cast is a victory for truth and freedom and every success of the new government is a nail in the coffin of the unholy alliance of terrorism, religious extremism and international socialism. When the lies begin we should all be prepared to counter them with facts. When they start spinning their web of deception we will cut through it with the sword of truth. Expose the hatemongers for what they really are and eventually they will lose their sway over those they have duped and deceived. <--[extra points for alliteration here!] Their power will fade and the flowers of evil which they have planted will wither on the vine.”
And more extra points for using the word “cusp” in a headline!
SECOND PRIZE: Mark Edward Manning
“President Bush, on the other hand, is coming up smelling of roses. His wisdom with regard to Iraq has just borne its first significant fruits.”
Manning’s horribly mixed metaphor was not able to overcome Nalle’s seemingly infinite stream of archaic, Victorian cliches.
In the end, rose bushes bearing fruit just couldn’t compete with flowers of evil withering on the vine.
THIRD PRIZE: Al Barger
Mr. Barger, who — as a recent Libertarian candidate for Senate — knows how to sympathize with the marginalized Sunni voters, was awarded an Honorable Mention in the Right Wing Blowhard Battle to immortalize the Iraqi election with hideous cliches.
“…This has been a red letter day for the Iraqi people. They have made a massive brave demonstration of positive desire to take control of their own destiny [whew!], and to make a real future for themselves and their children.”
Barger was a distant third in the Bulwer Lytton competition, but was voted a special “Judges Honorable Mention” for finding a place for the phrase “peaches and cream”!
And despite the fact that all the contestants were just following their intuitions, thinking outside the box, and showing that when the going gets tough, the tough get going, we have to congratulate all who contributed by saying:
If at first you don’t succeed, try try again!
NOTE: All three winning contestants will be awarded a brand new Thesaurus and a years supply of Ipecac — just in case they accidentally happen to ingest any of their own writings.Powered by Sidelines