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Brangelina: The Devil and Mr. Pitt

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Maybe it was the passing of the dreaded 6-6-06, but devils and demons have infiltrated my mind, and I awoke last night sweating and shaken with a vision of Angelina Jolie laughing maniacally as she single-handedly destroyed the earth with her multi-hued progeny at her side.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting Yes it's true: not since Christ the Savior graced the earth with His divine presence have we been so enraptured by the birth of a child as we have with Shiloh Nouvel.

I have tried to unravel this mystery, and what follows is my honed insight into celebrity…and religious revelations.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting Who is this Angelina Jolie — and why are we so captivated by her? If taken part by part, she is misshapen. Her lips too large for her face, her eyes set a bit too far apart, enormous teeth, long gangly arms and hands. Part by part, she is not exactly "beautiful," but she is something far more compelling: dangerously sexy.

Just like her character in Girl Interrupted, she is unhinged, on the edge, not bound by the normal laws of physics and mores that bind the rest of us: she is Angelina Jolie. Her name belies the sinister nature that lurks beneath the surface. She is no "angel": she is a temptress, a succubus here to steal our men and corrupt our children with her beguiling ways.

Pity poor Brad Pitt. Dumb, silly, short on clues, Brad Pitt. Sure, he has a pretty face. Pretty vacant. And, like the rest of us, he has unwittingly fallen for Ms. Jolie and provided the seed for her master plan to rule the earth.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting According to religious scholars, when the Anti-Christ comes to earth he ("she" in this case) will win our trust at time of war and depravity by presenting him/herself as a leader to solve our problems.

"The Antichrist will not use any force and will try to win men's trust and affection with his deceitful and hypocritical public mask of virtue…will throw a gleaming veil of kindness and truth over the mystery of iniquity… He will come in an image which will seduce everyone. He will come as a humble, kind, hater of falsehood (as he will say about himself), rejecting idols, preferring piety and kindness, loving the poor, bearing extremely handsome features, constant, sweet to everyone, respecting especially the Jewish nation because they will be awaiting his coming… He will take sly measures to please everyone, will not accept gifts nor speak in anger, will not show an overcast countenance, but will entice the world with a decorous exterior until he is enthroned."

Oh dear Lord of Mercy, please get thee to a nunnery. So Angelina, now anointed as an Ambassador to the UN, is in the perfect position to create the illusion of kindness: going to the humble nation of Namibia to have her child, being a woman of the people, humble, kind, full of piety, and all that other religious mumbo jumbo.

It's all becoming clear now.

And what of the name "Shiloh"? Interpreted as "messiah," "messenger of peace." Hmmm… that's enough to make you pause and make the sign of the cross.

Ms. Jolie is an enigma wrapped in a riddle shrouded in a mysterious haze of the unknown. What the world has witnessed of her behavior is alarming: She's publicly french kissed her brother, proclaiming oddly, how much she's "in love with him" at that given moment. Her wanton sexuality, draping herself all over her ex-husband Billy Bob Thornton at an awards show as he proudly proclaimed they'd "just f*cked in the limo on the way here" was unseemly.

Photobucket - Video and Image HostingShe exudes hotness out her pores — she drips seduction. Jolie wants men to worship her. Not just some men, ALL MEN.

 In another lapse of moral fiber, she set her sculpted features squarely on another woman's husband, breaking up the perfectly boring couple of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Aniston didn't have a chance against the wild, unbridled Jolie. Kittens are no match for man-eating cheetahs: they stalk their prey with cunning and coyness, playing cat and mouse until they have you in their paws.

Brad, here's a tip: Angelina is going to tear you to bits and pieces, leaving your organs to dry in the sun as my cats do with chipmunks. You sir, are toast.Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Jolie isn't going to marry Brad. Brad was merely a means to her dastardly ends; Jolie won't stop until all our men fall victim to her guile. And we women are no better, falling for her whore-with-a-golden-heart routine. Parading little brown babies from the poor nethers of the world, tricking us into thinking she is a saint. Saints don't bed your men, stab you in the back and slyly eye their next victim.

This is no saint, boys and girls – this is the final warning sign of the apocalypse. You've been warned.

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About Dawn Olsen

  • Eric Olsen

    chilling – excellent!

  • http://victorplenty.blogspot.com Victor Plenty

    Suddenly it all makes sense. My only question is, how will I know when it’s my turn?

    You know… so I can virtuously refuse, of course.

  • http://www.markiscranky.org Mark Saleski

    interesting. i’ve never thought of angelina as sexy. it’s the lips. they look velcro’d on, sort of like lisa rinna.

  • http://victorplenty.blogspot.com Victor Plenty

    It’s because of Mr. Potato Head, Mark. Now we’re all attracted to people who look like they have interchangeable facial features.

    We can also blame Disney animated features for the rise of the sexual fetish subculture known as “furries” but that’s not really on topic for this article.

  • http://www.markiscranky.org Mark Saleski

    ah, the mr. potato head theory. fake lips, fake cheekbones, fake boobs…

    wait, i don’t think even mrs. potato head had boobs.

  • http://www.djradiohead.com DJRadiohead

    Dawn — this is your best yet. You’ve outdone the Kevin Costner monkey spank piece which was my previous favorite.

    I’ve had something for these two shitheads for awhile but haven’t been able to deliver it. You scored a knockout with this one. Friday is going to rule.

  • Dawn

    She really is spooky.

  • http://alienboysworld.blogspot.com Christopher Rose

    Personally, I can’t wait til it’s my turn. Take me now, Mistress Angelina!

  • Dawn

    Sure Chris, it’s all fun and games until she bites off your head.

  • http://www.markiscranky.org Mark Saleski

    guys will put up with nearly anything for a little…uh…just, a little.

  • http://alienboysworld.blogspot.com Christopher Rose

    So that would mean I gave Angelina Jolie head?

    Oh yeah!

  • Dawn

    I see it took exactly 11 comments to get to this point. See why you men are so easily led astray.

  • http://desicritics.org Aaman

    In Angelina’s case, anything goes

  • Susie Q

    Your characterizations of Jolie & Pitt couldn’t be more off if you tried, but nice job of stereotyping two people you’ve never met.

    BTW Dawn, you’re ugly. No wonder you’re so bitter.

  • Dawn

    My bitterness has nothing to do with how ugly I am, but I appreciate your kind words :)

  • CLINIQUA

    Dear Dawn,

    Congrats! What a great birthday present for little Shiloh you’ve written, and a belated mother’s day present for Ms. Jolie.

    Perhaps one day little Shiloh can grow up to realize just how twisted, embittered and jealous some sad lonely homely women were/are that they’d malign her mother this way shortly after her birth. Is that what’s spawned this – Angie actually HAVING Brad Pitt’s baby — I mean they’ve been inseparable for almost a year and a half? Why now? Boy, a psychoptherapist could have a field day with your sad angry @ss.

    …and sure, you’ll sit on the fence between writing really bad satire and farce, while injecting just enough of the real life events that have been misconstrued about Jolie, into your lil’ online essay.

    Hey look on the bright side, there are enough wack jobs out there who think and feel exactly the way you do – don’t get me wrong, it’s not because they TRULY believe this sci-fi nonsense, but simply because they can’t wait for any kind of pain, tragedy and atrocity to befall those we are envious of and perceive as ‘having it all.’

    So Dawn Olsen, with such an incendiary piece of masturbatory and obsessively masked stereotypically catty rage, that you’ve assaulted us with – you can bet that there are enough crazies in the world that identify with your suggestions and pseudo religious threatening undertones — I bet they could even become quite the threatening menace to the young family.

    Way to go Dawn Olsen! I bet you’d be REAL happy about that. I’m sure you were probably wishing every night that little Shiloh wouldn’t even get here, seriously – that’s how sick you sound.

    Nice gift to a 7 day year old infant and new Mom — women like you are why I suddenly realize we have practically no power politically in this country or the world. Men aren’t nearly as vicious as we are.

    It’s times like these, I wish Angelina Jolie did have all the supernatural evil power that you ascribe to her – so that she might zap your ugly @ss back to hell where you came from.

    *P.S. I love how you caution posters against ‘personal attacks.’ While you’ve denigrated a newborn and the most charitable and philanthropic woman in Hollywood, with the most vile crap I’ve seen ever.

  • http://dracutweblog.blogspot.com Mary K. Williams

    Susie Q – take it down a notch, and play nice.

  • http://www.djradiohead.com DJRadiohead

    Nice job of mindlessly worshipping two people you have never met, Susie Q.

    Other than some of the OBVIOUS (and quite terrific) humor, what did Dawn get wrong? Angelina Jolie did move in on a married man and that is bad form. She did give tongue to her brother on television and she and BBThornton did claim to have f*cked in a limo on the way to an award show. She didn’t miss on the stereotype. She went to verifiable, provable facts and used them to paint a picture. It’s called good writing. Maybe you could try it rather than tossing mean, unoriginal insults.

  • http://www.djradiohead.com DJRadiohead

    Cliniqua – you make it too easy. The best response to your insanity is your own commentary. Talk about being catty…

  • http://www.djradiohead.com DJRadiohead

    I can’t wait until school is back in session and these children have fewer hours of unmonitored access to computers and the internet.

  • YerFUG

    Nice that you can admit how homely you are Dawn.

  • Dawn

    I like your name Cliniqua – it’s so pharmaceutical sounding.

    Worry not for poor Angelina, she has endless resources and an ironclad will to get whatever she wants, even if that means your VERY SOUL.

  • http://www.markiscranky.org Mark Saleski

    wow dawn! first you’re a) an total asshole and then b) you’re ugly.

    quite a week, i’d say. ;-)

  • Dawn

    I am guessing the story hit the presses – where the rabid Brangelina police are in full swing. Prepare to be deported to HELL!

  • http://victorplenty.blogspot.com Victor Plenty

    Alas, DJRadiohead, summer is only just beginning. Maybe we can get Dave and Al to post some more stuff about B5, Pretty Ricky, and the Dixie Chicks to distract all the kids.

    Hmm. B5, Pretty Ricky, and the Dixie Chicks all in a room together might make for an interesting news story.

    Or some other kind of story…

  • JR

    Yes it’s true: not since Christ the Savior graced the earth with His divine presence have we been so enraptured by the birth of a child as we have with Shiloh Nouvel.

    When Christ graced the Earth, he was relatively unknown; and his birth would have been even less heralded.

    I guess what I’m saying is that Brangelina’a baby is bigger than Jesus.

  • http://www.djradiohead.com DJRadiohead

    Be careful, JR, John Lennon was shot for saying the same thing.

  • Eric Olsen

    whoa, bad hair day

  • http://dracutweblog.blogspot.com Mary K. Williams

    man people sure get testy.

    I don’t really care what Brad and Angelina are doing. I don’t love them or hate them. Actually, I kind of like them at times. Mr. & Mrs. Smith was quite entertaining.

    So, I don’t necessarily agree with the whole Anti-Christ thing – yet it was quite fun, and well written.

    Again..I plead..Lighten THE FUCK up Francis!!!

  • http://victorplenty.blogspot.com Victor Plenty

    Yes, interesting change there, EO. I wonder who did that. Did Blogcritics come under attack by a horde of Brangelina-zombie hackers? Or did Dawn just replace the photo as a satirical touch?

    Enquiring minds want to know.

  • Dawn

    Perhaps my inner ugly is starting to show Victor :)

  • Chris

    Yeah, right DJStupidhead, re ‘unmonitored access’– perhaps if you’d stop posting multiple times in a row, with lame ass responses, I might actually believe you were over the age 12 yourself.

    But just to clarify, for the perverts out there who will insist on believing what has become mythic lore — Jolie did not ‘tongue’ or ‘french kiss’ her brother — I know, I was watching the Oscars that year. She kissed him on the mouth. End of story. It’s too bad that you pervs are always a bit too eager to believe that a young woman’s confident sexuality somehow translates to incest. Once again, it says way more about this society (which if you doubt is sick – check out YOUR local newscast) than it does about Jolie.

    ..and if Jolie’s husband at the time, was too stupid, drunk or high enough to boast about getting some in the back of the limo – how is that her fault? She didn’t say it. Or are you saying you disagree with sex in limos, on principle. Well excuse me, DJ Rev Pat Roberston, you sad lonely dweeb. LOL

    Methinks much like ugly Dawn, your just jealous.

    Boy, have you guys railed against Jolie & Pitt every day for the last year or more, or is it just the birth of their child that makes you realize how inconsequential, bitter and lonely your own lives are?

    Hmm? Dawn?

    S’okay dear…go back to chewing your right arm off over Angelina and her happy beautiful family.

  • beadtot

    Please — obviously the couple has been snared so as to develop inflatable safety jackets for children that plump upon impact [the ‘Jolly Jumper’ + ‘air bag’]. Give the over-extended babe a citrus cocktail!

  • http://www.markiscranky.org Mark Saleski

    #32. dat was funny! (***clapping****)

  • http://www.djradiohead.com DJRadiohead

    Doesn’t Revlations say something about sheep to the slaughter where the anti-Christ is concerned? Or is that Leviticus? Hmm. Either way, I am sure it’s in there.

    Good thought, Victor. That’s what we need.

  • http://www.markiscranky.org Mark Saleski

    Doesn’t Revlations say something about sheep to the slaughter where the anti-Christ is concerned?

    no. i believe that was Metallica….somewhere on Ride The Lightning.

  • Dawn

    They’re all winners in my book. Please go on…

  • http://www.djradiohead.com DJRadiohead

    DJStupidhead? Hells holy acre, son, that is some grammarschool nonsense if I ever heard it. I guess the only thing for me to say in kind is, “I know you are but what am I?”

  • sal m

    dawn, another great one…however, it’s too bad that for speaking the truth, the princess of darkness was able to turn you ugly as a result of speaking out.

    wow…what a mess…

    i find it fasinating that some people get so worked up into a lather in order to defend jolie – a person with a moral compass that is as twisted as a corkscrew.

    brad the stud turned into brad the putz…he’s been a cuckold in waiting…the forelorn expression that he wears as the devil herself drags him around the third world, is that of the schnook who is dragged to the mall on the day of the big game.

    brad could be enjoying the good life – either married to one of the cutest women in the world or shagging every hottie he comes into contact with – but instead he’s visiting mud huts in the strife-torn continent of africa.

    i wager that angelina’s next conquest will be bono, and their progeny could take over the world.

  • BarbV

    Dawn –

    Brilliant article. Some scary responses re: assuming jealousy on the part of anyone writing obvious satire. Li’l boys who want to sleep with Ang and li’l girls who want to sleep with Brad, I imagine.

    With respect,
    BV

  • Dawn

    thanks barb – I am in no way jealous of celebrities, especially these two. Being relatively anonymous is far more suitable way to live life.

    As for Bono and Jolie – if she dare goes to after my Bono, I will show my claws. Hiss, Pfft, Hiss, Pfft.

  • http://dracutweblog.blogspot.com Mary K. Williams

    Geez Dawn, all was fine until you said, “My Bono”.

    Because that EXACTLY what I thought, when I read that…oh no…not MY Bono.

    Don’t suppose you’d wanna share huh?

  • http://dracutweblog.blogspot.com Mary K. Williams

    ‘DJStupidHead’

    Hey, that has a ring to it. : )~

  • BarbV

    As long as she keeps paws off Johnny Depp, I’m cool.

    Self-absorbed in Tyranna

  • Dawn

    I am cool with sharing Bono with you Mary – but that bitch Jolie better back the f off! Oooh, and Johnny Depp, mmm….but only as Captain Jack Sparrows. Something about men in pirate costumes.

  • http://www.djradiohead.com DJRadiohead

    Sir Mary, you best watch your step. Don’t risk showing an alarming lack of loyalty like that laughing Saleski there in the corner. He will be dealt with in due course for my judgment cometh, and that right soon.

  • http://www.markiscranky.org Mark Saleski

    I am cool with sharing Bono with you Mary

    can i watch?

    (sorry, it HAD to be said!)

  • Dawn

    Mark, I forgot to ask – what’s with you and Metallica?

    And I like DJPoopyhead better!!

  • http://www.markiscranky.org Mark Saleski

    dawn, it just feels kinda funny countering pseudo-biblical hooey with pseudo-heavy metal hooey.

  • Eric Olsen

    that’s better – a little makeup never hurts

  • http://www.djradiohead.com DJRadiohead

    All right, all of you. I see how it’s going to be. That’s fine. DJPoopyRadioStupidPatRobertsonHead is taking his ball and going home. As has been suggested, I am perfectly capable of flying the ship all solo and stuff.

  • Dawn

    Yes, Eric and I took a shower too. It’s amazing what a little soap and water can do.

    Oh and don’t be like that DJR – you know we love you, poopyhead and all.

  • http://dracutweblog.blogspot.com Mary K. Williams

    I am perfectly capable of flying the ship all solo and stuff.

    Is that like waxing the dolphin or spanking the monkey? (innocent look)

    Sorry, THAT had to be said.

  • http://www.markiscranky.org Mark Saleski

    mmmpphhrmmmm!! (that’s the sound of me attempting to stifle raging laughter)

  • Pinkgirl

    This was the most disgusting and disgraceful article that I have ever read! Why would someone write such a horrible thing about a person who they don’t even know? Angelina Jolie is a beautiful and amazing human being! So without making a “personal attack” on the so called “writer” of this article, I’ll say that the above name calling is nothing more than jealousy!

  • http://dracutweblog.blogspot.com Mary K. Williams

    Oh, and I vote for Johnny Depp for President. AS Captain Jack – yes.

    don’t care nothing about no WMD’s just bring me back some Rum!

  • http://www.djradiohead.com DJRadiohead

    That which is understood need not be explained (translation: fucking duh!)

  • Dawn

    Pinkgirl and all sensitive types – its celebrity gossip satire, not to be taken literally. Although, Angelina is a succubus.

    I stand by that claim.

  • http://victorplenty.blogspot.com Victor Plenty

    The word “succubus” has an immaculate Latin pedigree, and yet also evokes smashmouthedly unsubtle single-entendre imagery.

    I must figure out a way to derive some advantage from this pirate chic I’m hearing so much about.

  • http://somethingaboutchelsea.blogspot.com Chelsea Snyder

    Comment #32: “Yeah, right DJStupidhead.”

    In third grade, that would have immediately trumped “Doodiehead,” which was my first instinct to use… I hate when people are wittier than me in namecalling.

  • Eric Olsen

    I believe those objecting most strenuously to the Angelina characterization here are covert UN operatives.

  • http://alienboysworld.blogspot.com Christopher Rose

    I just think she’s hot! Always have, ever since “Hackers”.

  • http://midnightcafe.wordpress.com/ Mat Brewster

    Anyone notice that the first google ad under Dawns by line is for Satan. Hovering the mouse brings a tag that says “ads about satan” How cool is that?

    Zowie. EO your wife is hot!

  • http://dracutweblog.blogspot.com Mary K. Williams

    I must figure out a way to derive some advantage from this pirate chic I’m hearing so much about.

    Victor, just showing up with Rum helps. Sometimes, just plain showing up works. : )

  • Dawn

    Thanks Mat, some people say I look a little like Jennifer Aniston. I don’t see it, but hey, who am I to question such things.

    And yes, Mary, rum and just showing up goes a long way to getting your inner pirate on.

  • Damien

    What the hell do I care about pleasing everybody? And so looks like I’m not the antichrist judging by that description. All this sexual power bullshit won’t work on me: I’m immune. Out here on the perimeter there are no stars. I’m bored now. Goodbye!

  • Damien

    *What the hell do I care about pleasing everybody?

    This could just as well read:-

    What the hell do I care about pleasing anybody?

  • Dawn

    Who were trying to hypothetical not please Damien?

  • Damien

    Thanks for that Dawn. I’ve tried rearranging the words in various permutations to try and make sense of that but sadly no. Thanks anyway!

  • Dawn

    Oh hell Damien, it’s hard being you. Cut yourself some slack. Try pleasing yourself for once.

    Just so long as it doesn’t bring on the apocalypse, ‘cuz like that would totally suck.

  • Damien

    It’s okay Dawn I’m not really Damien. That is one lousy name. As for the apocalypse it seems to be a long time coming do you not think? Doubt we’d recognize what the apocalypse was if it descended on us tomorrow. What is certain is creeping secularism & materialism in the west especially. It is on the rise. I know this because I compare it to several years back. There is something wrong with that but I am very doubtful indeed that any God or person claiming God’s representation is going to appear to amend those particular peoples’ ways. Nice article by the way: enjoyed reading it.

  • Dawn

    The materialism bothers me more than the secularism, because at least the longview look at things would say that religious separation is a good thing. In that it doesn’t exclude one religion over the other. Religious persecution is in my opinion is a bad thing.

    But from another view point we need to find a way of injecting basic moral touchpoints into our societal perspective than we do now.

    Children, should not be paraded around as some sort of example of virtue.

    Brangelina may or may not be doing it for the right reason, but the egomanical need for publicity smacks of some measure of self-serving gratification.

    There are lots of more generous philanthropists in the world besides these two, who require zero recoginition. And no amount of goodwill erases one’s personal lowpoints and failures in their individual relationships.

    Trust me, I know.

    Look at you, Damien (or whomever you are) getting me all philosophizing and shite.

  • http://www.markiscranky.org Mark Saleski

    ah whatEVER! folks are always yakkin’ about how society is going to hell in a handbasket. to me it just looks like we keep pimping out the handbasket.

  • http://victorplenty.blogspot.com Victor Plenty

    I can see the ad now. “HANDBASKET: high miles but runs great! Chrome wheels, rear spoiler, racing stripes. Dashboard lights so ultraviolet you can’t even read the dials. Stereo has enough bass to trip the Emergency Alert System whenever you drive by the geology building on campus. Must sell before repo men find me. Make offer.”

  • http://dracutweblog.blogspot.com Mary K. Williams

    Try pleasing yourself for once. Just ask DJ!

  • http://dracutweblog.blogspot.com Mary K. Williams

    Victor, that’ll fetch a pretty shekel on eBay

  • david

    Poor Angelina. So wickedly, prenaturally beautiful. Her physical features are so exaggerated that they shouldn’t exist, but you just know they it’s all real. A genetic miracle.

    But I don’t get the sense that she a predator. She tries her best to behave, but she’s just so physically threatening. Her biggest threat to men is just her existence. She could be clipping her nails, and she’d still be accused of plotting something devious and sexy.

    Here’s how things really happened:

    Angie: Brad, can you pass he the corn nuts?

    Brad: Angelina, why do you tempt me! Fine, I’ll leave my wife for you!

    Angie: Okay, whatever.

  • Veronica

    Why is it that married women are so threatened by Angelina? Do you really think that your own personal schlep of a husband is in danger of being stolen from you by her? That is so hilarious.

    PS: whoever wrote the original article should really stay away from writing satire – celebrity or other – it was not really satirical enough, and came across as mean and catty.

  • http://gohah.blogspot.com Gordon Hauptfleisch

    I’m sorry I’m not up on my theology here, but where exactly does Jon Voight fall into this picture? Is he Satan (a Beelzebub of Befuddlement, if you will, given his blank expression)? And if he is, why didn’t he use his powers to get better movie roles for himself? I mean, come on, “Anaconda”?

  • david

    Dawn

    I bet you would give anything to be as beautiful and sexy as Angelina..no offense but you look at least 50 yrs old in the photo you usually have at the end of your blog. Angelina will still be beautiful for years and years, cant say the same about you tho.

    Funny how you say “personal attacks will not be allowed”, yet you personally attack Angelina.
    Does the word hypocrite mean anything to you?

  • http://alienboysworld.blogspot.com Christopher Rose

    david: EEEK! Totally missing the point alert!!!!

    The personal attacks things applies to commenters not public figures. Public figures, love ‘em or loathe ‘em, are just naturally up there fopr taking potshots at. It just goes with the territory.

    As for hypocrisy, I think this is one of the most hackneyed words in common usage today. Demanding consistency is fine for a factory production line but humans are all about passion and intelligence not robotics.

    As for Mistress Angelina, having seen a genuine photo of Ms Dawn, I can only assume it is some kind of blonde sisterhood thing that is behind her instinctive support for Ms Aniston…

    Guess it’s just not true any more that blondes have more fun!

  • Von Zipper

    Dawn–You should know that I engaged in a little personal attack, if you will, on David#80. We just settled our differences in the alley with a round of fisticuffs, and he’s now Bloody Pulp#80.
    (Walking away, dusting self off, looking for another fight in an unjust world).

  • http://midnightcafe.wordpress.com Mat Brewster

    Honestly, when I saw the real Dawn, my first thought was, “what a babe.” So, Dawn, no matter what picture you use, you’re still a hottie.

    Sorry, EO, I’ll sign the restraining order now.

    Sorry wife….um….damn you look beautiful today.

  • Eric Olsen

    thanks Mat, I agree

    david, there’s no accounting for taste but Dawn is 36 and still gets carded – maybe give up on that umpiring dream, okay dave?

    And this isn’t satire – she really DOES think Angelina is the Anti-Christ and I haven’t heard one shred of evidence against her argument.

    Suddenly psychobitch vampire girl gets grooming and cares about the children of the world? Give me a fucking break [Edited]

  • Dawn

    Honestly, I am completely secure enough in my own attributes to not be bothered in the least by the attacks on my looks. I am neither as gorgeous as Angelina or Jennifer, nor as hideous as half the people on the web.

    But don’t go criticizing my writing when half of those attacking me don’t have the brass ones to take the time and effort to write their momma let alone a post on a site as high quality as this one.

    And while this is in the vein of satire, I do think that Angelina Jolie is a low-rent whore bag with a moral compass guided by a magnetic field trapped inside Superman’s North Pole lair.

    She’s a husband stealing ho. And while I worry zero about my husband going near her skeevy ass, she did steal SOMEONE’s husband and that’s just not cool.

    Having a baby doesn’t make her more special than the millions of women who have babies every year, nor do her efforts separate her from the millions of missionaries who sacrifice their time to save poor children around the globe.

    I have more respect for far more humble people doing great acts of kindness with far less than those two fucking assholes.

    See, I was being kind in my article, the truth is I think Brad is moron being led around like a chimp, and she’s a two-bit whore on a ego-trip. If anyone is saved in the meantime, it’s completely accidental.

    Now, feel free to insult me and act like an asshole about two celebrity fuckheads who wouldn’t give you the time of day, but know, I don’t care what you say if its merely to insult me – I’ve heard it all and chances are it will be deleted before I see it. Your free time to waste.

  • Dawn

    Oh and Mat, VZ, EO – thanks for having my back.

    BTW Chris, I am a firecrotch, not a blonde. And as such, we DO have all the fun :)

  • http://victorplenty.blogspot.com Victor Plenty

    As one of the hideous people on the web, I can vouch for what Dawn says, and for what several others have also said. She is way cuter than most of us out here.

  • GK

    Dawn, you’re awesome! What a read.

  • sal m

    by the way, when i said bono, i meant chastity bono, yea that’s the ticket, CHASTITY bono…

    and i love how jolie went to africa and basically stole the second kid from that poor tribal mom. after all, how can that poor woman fight to get her kid back?

    jolie isn’t going to bring about the apocolypse, but the apackolips…as she will rule the world with her labial superiority.

  • http://alienboysworld.blogspot.com Christopher Rose

    I just hope your firecrotch isn’t where your lovely hair should be, Dawn!

  • Dawn

    Um, not sure what you are implying, but my firecrotch is in the usual location. My head too for that matter Chris.

    You so weird Rose!

  • http://alienboysworld.blogspot.com Christopher Rose

    Well you sure looked blonde when you had your own photo up before. Not quite sure what a firecrotch looks like and probably safer that way! lol.

    Me weird? You ought to come over to Europe and look West, the view is surreal!

  • Dawn

    Ahh, so that’s it, you are European. Well, that makes sense :)

  • http://alienboysworld.blogspot.com Christopher Rose

    Yeah, Dawn, Europe! You should try it some time – there are almost no weapons on the streets, people are happy, healthy and safe. It’s definitely not the USA which, like someone’s much loved but eccentric auntie, is becoming dottier by the day!

  • telecritic

    Good lord what a bunch of crap – I can’t believe any writer worth her salt would waste her time on such a bullshit article. You are quite the piece of work!

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    So I go on a business trip, work hard, and you guys have fun all week without me? Last time I try hard at anything.

    I’ll be honest, I never found her attractive, but I was too afraid to admit it. I questioned my manhood. And then I met Chelsea.

    But the devil incarnarnate? I didn’t believe it after I read it, but when I scrolled down to comment, my Mac froze up. My MAC! It FROZE! Macs don’t freeze. So now I’m a believer.

    And you, sir, DJDooDooHead, should be ashamed. And ugly. (I’ll find out next month!)

    Dawn, truce over. Submit this to the Pulitzer Board.

  • GK

    Dear telecritic,
    Good lord what a bunch of crap – I can’t believe any poster worth her/his salt would waste her/his time on such a bullshit post. You are quite the piece of work!

  • GK

    Hope you caught the sarcasm. Telecritic, what was the meaning behind your post? If you argue that you were just (rudely mind you) stating your opinion, well that goes both ways. Respect Dawn’s opinion and everyone else’s who happen to disagree with yours. If you were so bothered by this piece, ask yourself why? Present arguments if you wish but really… this was funny and well-written and I think everyone but die-hard close minded Brangelina fans would agree. These fans believe Brangelina can do no wrong. And we all know that no one is infallible. Just because they are announcing their charitableness left, right, and center (motivations are important imo) doesn’t justify their personal actions. Just admit that please. We all have to be alittle naive to think that Angelina had no part to play in the divorce. Brad and Angelina meet in late 2003 to film Mr and Mrs Smith (correct?) and suddenly rumors abound in 2004 that there is trouble in the Pitt/Aniston marriage. (FYI there is always going to be trouble in a long-term relationship. Appears that Angelina in whatever role she played influenced Brad to stop working on those issues.) They separate in early 2005 and immediately Brad and Angelina hook up – as friends they claim. Yeah right. And the rest is, well you know. So let’s just be fair and rational. They may be charitable (but is charity a ploy for obtaining positive PR? Who knows. We’ll give them the benefit of the doubt.) but they are far from being saints. They should be recognized for who they really are, warts and all. People with extremist views (who also lack a sense of humor) should be approached with caution! And anyway, the title Brangelina:The Devil and Mr. Pitt kind of hints that the article contained inside that link is not favorable to Brangelina. So telecritic, were you just looking for a fight? If you just want to read glowing reviews exclusively about what we can only guess is one of your favorite people, you shouldn’t have clicked on the link. Keep a better handle on your mouse next time! :-)

  • Dawn

    Thanks GK – that was noble and good of you – twice even!!!

    Matt, truce is indeed over. And the Pulitzer Board called and said it was truly unfair that I should be graced with such spectacular talent while so many others fail in their most ardent attempts – because of this I have been disqualified from competing. It only seems fair.

    They did mention your name though, something about “worst crap they’ve ever read” and “what a load of nonsense.”

    I’ll put in a good word for you. I am sure I can come up with at least one.

  • Heathen

    You know, there are probably 4 billion people in this world who don’t believe in an antichrist. As an asian and a buddhist, I find this obsession with superstitions like 666 and antichrist etc. to be just so ridiculous. 666 is a lucky number for the chinese – but wait, that proves it doesn’t it? Those chinese are just a bunch of heathens. And the Hindus too. and let’s not talk about the shintoists and taoists and animist. thank goodness there are buddhists and hindus around or all children born on 06.06.06 would be killed.

  • Von Zipper

    “thank goodness there are buddhists and hindus around or all children born on 06.06.06 would be killed.”

    Well Heathen where were yoo 5 days ago? Ya coulda stopt me from killing my new-born baby gurl. Hey do you buddasts and hindoos have like magic powers to, you know, bring her back to life? Even half way woold be good–being that its just a gurl and all. Deal’s off, tho, if we hafta raise her buddast or hindoo or without intelligence and a sense of humor.

  • Heathen

    LOL von zipper, how did you do it? Did you zip her up in a plastic bag as your handle implies or did you rip her head off (assuming you meant to spell von Ripper)

  • sal m

    note to dawn:
    in the future please try to see where asians and buddists stand on whatever issue that you are writing about, then act accordingly.

    i mean if this many people don’t believe in something than it certainly can’t be worth us wasting our time on.

    thank god for those people!

  • sal m

    and in an effort to make full disclosure, i find buddist superstitions extremely silly as well as catholic superstitions and jewish superstitions and muslim superstitions, etc…

  • Bliffle

    I have it on good authority that Bono is NOT going to hookup with Jolie. Bush met Bono and told him to get back together with Cher.

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    Angelina has yet to sink her fangs into one of our beloved athletes. Whether she’s looking to break in a rookie (Matt Leinart), a veteran (Derek Jeter), or a man already spoken for (Tony Parker) has yet to be seen.

  • Heathen

    Sal M – You are right – superstitions are silly. My apologies for not acknowledging that in my post.

  • Heathen

    Sorry, hit post button before completing my post.

    Though I do read celebrity news from time to time for light relief, something about what Dawn wrote bothered me- which is why I’m back. And it is her lack of perspective.

    Dawn spent her energy, time and obvious intelligence writing her “humourous” piece about an ALLEGED misdemeanour by private persons in a private matter. Meanwhile, other events more deserving of her talent and time and intelligence slips by uncommented on by people. President George W Bush has been wiretapping without constitutional approval. Abu Ghraib has happened under his watch. Katrina caused the levies to over flowed and Bush LIED about not KNOWING that the levees could over flow, and then Bush tried to pass ALL THE blame on to Michael Brown. Other americansSheesh….

    don’t bother responding. I won’t be back.

  • Gordon “Von Zipper” Hauptfleisch

    Heathen–and yet, all these things get written about. Enough subjects to go around, seems to me.

    Here’s your hat what’s your hurry?

  • Eric Olsen

    Heathen, some people write shallowly on major topics, some people write deeply on minor topics – both have their place, don’t you think? I’d much rather read the latter, by the way.

  • Alicia

    Dawn Olsen you are a nobody, so I don’t care for your nasty “comments” about my lady Angelina Jolie. She obviously, is above you. Fin.

  • charlotte

    THAT WAS POETRY AND SO VERY TRUE. IT IS SO SCARY HOW PEOPLE DEFEND THESE TWO LIKE THEY ARE FAMILY. ANY PERSON THAT DON’T AGREE WITH THEIR BEHAVIOR THEIR FANS BECOME UNRULY. THEY CURSE YOU OUT THEY CALL YOU HATER,ND SOME GO AS FAR AS TO TALK ABOUT YOUR MOTHER. I COULD NOT NOR HAVE NOT COME CLOSE TO EXPRESSING HOW SICK SHE IS; EVEN IN THIS ARTICLE SOME OF HER CRAZY FANS TO THE RESCUE. I OFTEN WONDERED HOW JENNIFER ANISTON, ACCORDING TO ANGELINA’S FANS, HAS BECOME SO UGLY,SO WORTHY OF ALL THIS RIDICULE,AND FINALLY HAVING THIS WOMAN WHO WILL NEVER SLEEP WITH MARRIED MAN, TELLING EVER TV SHOW THAT WOULD LISTEN, ABOUT HOW YOU HAVE TO WANT THE SAME THINGS IN LIFE IN ORDER TO KEEP YOUR HUSBAND. JUST A REGULAR ATTRACTIVE JOE BLOW ON THE STREET WILL NEVER SUIT HER. IT HAVE TO BE A CHALLENGE TO HER AND WHAT BETTER CHALLENGE THAN GETTING THE MAN WHOM IN PART FEEL WILL NEVER CHEAT ON HIS WIFE. THAT IS SO EUPHORIC FOR HER. ALL THAT TRAVELING DAY IN AND DAY OUT FOR MONTHS, WITH WHO, THE MAN AMERICA LOVES AND THAT SHE NOW DOMINATE IN A MANNER JENNIFER COULD NEVER DO. HE IS NOT THE FIRST. SHE HAVE TRIED IT WITH OTHERS. SHE NEVER THOUGHT IN A MILLION YEARS THAT BILLYBOB WOULD LOSE INTEREST IN HER. SEX, BEAUTY, TATTOOS, HEROINE, AND HE STILL LOST HIM. NOW, AFTER HIM, SHE NEEDED A BIG FISH. SHE WANTED HIM ALL TO HERSELF. SHE WORKED A LITTLE HARDER AND HAD A PLAN B WITH HIM. KEEP HIM ISOLATED, EVENTUALLY, PROVE TO THE WORLD THAT YOU WANT ME MORE THAN ANY OTHER WOMAN. SHE EVEN CONVINCED HIM TO DISRESPECT HIS MOTHER, CASE AND POINT, ALL MY BITCHES ARE MAD AT ME. ONE OF THOSE BITCHES HE SPEAKING OF WAS HIS MOTHER. NOW, I DON’T KNOW ABOUT ANY OF YOU. SHE TELLS EVERYONE HOW MUCH SHE LOVES HER MOTHER AND HATE HER FATHER. IF MY MOTHER WAS SICKENED WITH CANCER, THERE IS NO PLACE OR PERSON THAT WOULD KEEP ME FROM BEING BY MY MOTHER. SHE DID NOT NEED TO BE IN PARIS. SHE NEEDED TO ISOLATE BRAD. HER ACTIONS NEVER SEEM TO BACK HER CONVERSATION. LIKE MY FATHER CHEATED ON MY MOTHER I COULD NEVER BE WITH A MARRIED MAN. THESE TWO CAN GET ANY PRIVATE JET, SHE FLY HER OWN PLANE. THE ONLY REASON THESE TWO PICTURES WERE RELEASED IS BECAUSE SHE WANTED THEM TO BE RELEASED. JUST HAVING HIM IS NOT ENOUGH, WHAT PURPOSE WOULD THAT SERVE. IF THE WHOLE WORLD DON’T KNOW THAT SHE HAS HIM WHAT USE IS IT TO BE WITH HIM. ALL ALONG WHILE BAITING HIM, WHERE WAS THE CONCERN FOR HER MOTHER. SHE THOUGHT MORE ABOUT JENNIFER THAN SHE DID HER OWN MOTHER. SHE NEEDED TO SEE HER WITH HIM TAGGING BEHIND HER LIKE A LITTLE PUPPY. LOOK WHAT I HAVE CONQUERED HOW MANY OF YOU WOMEN CAN SAY YOU CAN ACHIEVE THAT. ANGELINA IS A PSYCHOPATHIC SOCIOPATH. GET WHAT SHE WANT AT ALL COST. SHE ADOPT ELSE WHERE, BECAUSE NO ONE IN HER RIGHT MIND WOULD ALLOW HER TO GET A BABY WITHOUT A PSYCH CONSULT AND SHE IS CRAZY. SHE IS A VERY SICK LADY AND SHE HAVE A LIST OF FOLLOWERS THAT WORSHIP THE GROUNDS SHE WALK ON. IT REMIND ME MORE OF JIM JONES, BACK IN 1979. HE WAS A SAVIOR TOO. HOW ABOUT WACO, HE WAS A PROFOUND TALKER TOO. THE PROBLEM, IS THAT THEY WORSHIP THEM TO DEATH. ANGELINA FANS, BRING IT!!!!!!

  • dark faith

    did you know some aniston fans wanted angelina to miscarry that baby I think her fans are the evil ones as to want a child to die as far as her being what you say brad only played her I think he is dominant more than her he only wanted her to bolieve she was in charge until he got what he wanted now they have the child he figures she is his now the resent pictures shows a very different jolie walking bihind brad looking quiet stop bashing on jolie if she were trully evil she wouldnt look so vulnerable near pitt he wanted the baby he talked her in to having his child now hes got her trully because of the baby that he knows she wont leave. dawn you are evil

  • dark faith

    aniston is a bitch ans she sucks dawn you are the one who is going to go to hell for judging other people

  • http://rubysroost.blogspot.com Ruvy in Jerusalem

    Dawn,

    I cannot believe this article has generated this many comments. I’d write about the sexy chicks in Israel. But I only know one, and I have the brains to keep my trap shut about her.

  • http://Blogcritics Hot Lips

    Jeeez. People take this bullcrap seriously. Damn. That is just what the goverment wants you to do, Focus your attention on crap that doesn’t even matter. Yep, Satan sure does rule the world.Yeah Angelina Jolie is is pretty, but I acknowledge the fact there are better looking women in the world, and I don’t fawn over her. She does not make me think dirty thoughts as a matter of fact she does not make me think anything. To the people who hat Jennifer Aniston so much, why? I don’t hate Angelina, but I hate her fans.

  • dark faith

    the feeling is mutual fans hate the fans of the other why becuse the faniston crazies hate babies and are racist to non white children and call new borns spawns of evil and whore they are the sick ones

  • http://thelist.blog.com/ Hambone

    She’s the DEVIL!

  • http://thelist.blog.com/ Hambone

    Join the anti-Angelina movement!

  • http://virtualredhead virtual redhead

    LOVED this article – wonderfully witty. Didn’t really have the patience to slog through all the responses, but dang! I know good writing when I see it. FABULOUS! And who is this lovely Eric man who sees through Shebeezlebub’s evil machinations? A keeper for sure, gotta love a man with a little discernment…

    Author,brava! We want MORE!!!

  • http://www.brangelina.net Brangelina

    This article is 14 months old … Brad and Angelina are still going strong.

  • Grenacious

    Behold I send you out as sheep amongst the wolves.

    Brad pitt was clearly the sheep sent in amongst the wolf that was Jolie. A wolf watches its prey and it plays with its prey, parades it, and then tears it apart.

    I do believe that Jolie is possibly the antichrist. When I first saw pictures of her french kissing her brother, I felt sick, and anyone who condones such actions – you will meet your idol in HELL, Why not give your father a BJ and justify it? Why not have a father molest a child? Justify it still?? its wrong, no matter who carries out the act. Its immoral and its sick, only sick people would carry out such actions, people of real mental health issues.
    (sit and think about the above paragraph)

    So you all come here to sit and shoot awful comments to Dawn? Why cause she is honest about the facade ? she is honest about her view? because she like so many millions in this world – refuse to believe this PR cloud of damn goody two shoes jolie has put out there and wishes for us to believe.

    One day they say the world will end, and there humans will have a choice, to walk with a fake god- who is the antichrist, Or to walk the path towards our real lord.
    Stealing another womans husband is not the actions of a SELFLESS PERSON, its the act of a manipulitive cukoo looking to steal anothers ready made nest.

    It does indeed take 2 to tango, but sadly Brad Pitt did what most men would have done, he took an easy lay. Lets not lie or try to deny that fact, Jolie is indeed an easy lay.

    They are box office failures now since they met, it was stated a long time ago in another forum. Hollywood turned their backs on them for what they did to Hollywoods Golden Girl.
    Just Because the media report their every action doesnt mean that Studio bosses want them, no – Brad has to make up roles for her now.
    I mean seriously – a white woman playing a black woman, someone needs a reality check here, was her ego that stupid to realise that the best thing for the movie was for her not to be in it.
    (poor daniel pearl, his movie was boycotted because of the selfish main star who wanted all the glory and was desperate for another pity oscar)

    VIVA LA DAWN, excellent read, and continue to keep up the fantastic work.

    Come visit a forum that has Brangelina Section
    http://www.smutandinnuendo.com/forum
    (they dont believe in censorship)

  • http://femalefirst.co.uk/board/forum-40.html Female First Supporter

    Anti-Angelinas, Anti-Brangelinas, there is a HOME for you.

    Come on over and be WITH your friends.

    We can NOT stand her.

  • http://www.EurocriticsMagazine.com Christopher Rose

    In a world full of bland identikit “stars”, Angelina Jolie shines like a beacon. She is wonderfully alive and human and the world desperately needs more like her, female or male.

  • angelina symbolises eve

    her eyes look demonic with eye liner

    she thinks she resembles eve and brad is adam
    this couple is sick

  • Candy

    Great article and it really does seem to fit
    her.

  • angelina symbolises eve

    when does angelina get out of hollywood?
    I’m so sick of the pitt pregnancy
    they said, “they can become more creative in bed” we don’t want to know how disgraceful you do things in private. Angelina is a bumbag. If she is most beautiful woman in world you don’t need to keep someone’s husband. Nobody is jealous of her. She thinks everyone in world wants to look at how sexy she looks. Does it matter how you conduct your excellent complexion and body if a woman has evil heart?

  • anita

    So true, I always thought she is a “wolf in a sheep’s skin”, so so true, she is a very indecent person and needs to cover that fact with a shield of thousand of homeless children.
    Am so tired of everyone finding her trecherous look sexy, she is a deeply promiscuous person, she can’t help flirting with every single person, every journalist – it is too much, she is not very educated or intelligent or well-wishing person at all. Poor Brad, got trapped, but I believe things will sort themselves out, this will be a good lesson to everyone.

  • Tina

    1) what does ugly have to do with it again? actually, she’s quite fetching.
    2) A lot of people have been saying this about Obama lately.

    Geez *shudders*