Brangelina: The Devil and Mr. Pitt

Maybe it was the passing of the dreaded 6-6-06, but devils and demons have infiltrated my mind, and I awoke last night sweating and shaken with a vision of Angelina Jolie laughing maniacally as she single-handedly destroyed the earth with her multi-hued progeny at her side.

Yes it's true: not since Christ the Savior graced the earth with His divine presence have we been so enraptured by the birth of a child as we have with Shiloh Nouvel.

I have tried to unravel this mystery, and what follows is my honed insight into celebrity…and religious revelations.

Who is this Angelina Jolie — and why are we so captivated by her? If taken part by part, she is misshapen. Her lips too large for her face, her eyes set a bit too far apart, enormous teeth, long gangly arms and hands. Part by part, she is not exactly "beautiful," but she is something far more compelling: dangerously sexy.

Just like her character in Girl Interrupted, she is unhinged, on the edge, not bound by the normal laws of physics and mores that bind the rest of us: she is Angelina Jolie. Her name belies the sinister nature that lurks beneath the surface. She is no "angel": she is a temptress, a succubus here to steal our men and corrupt our children with her beguiling ways.

Pity poor Brad Pitt. Dumb, silly, short on clues, Brad Pitt. Sure, he has a pretty face. Pretty vacant. And, like the rest of us, he has unwittingly fallen for Ms. Jolie and provided the seed for her master plan to rule the earth.

According to religious scholars, when the Anti-Christ comes to earth he ("she" in this case) will win our trust at time of war and depravity by presenting him/herself as a leader to solve our problems.

"The Antichrist will not use any force and will try to win men's trust and affection with his deceitful and hypocritical public mask of virtue…will throw a gleaming veil of kindness and truth over the mystery of iniquity… He will come in an image which will seduce everyone. He will come as a humble, kind, hater of falsehood (as he will say about himself), rejecting idols, preferring piety and kindness, loving the poor, bearing extremely handsome features, constant, sweet to everyone, respecting especially the Jewish nation because they will be awaiting his coming… He will take sly measures to please everyone, will not accept gifts nor speak in anger, will not show an overcast countenance, but will entice the world with a decorous exterior until he is enthroned."

Oh dear Lord of Mercy, please get thee to a nunnery. So Angelina, now anointed as an Ambassador to the UN, is in the perfect position to create the illusion of kindness: going to the humble nation of Namibia to have her child, being a woman of the people, humble, kind, full of piety, and all that other religious mumbo jumbo.

It's all becoming clear now.

And what of the name "Shiloh"? Interpreted as "messiah," "messenger of peace." Hmmm… that's enough to make you pause and make the sign of the cross.

Ms. Jolie is an enigma wrapped in a riddle shrouded in a mysterious haze of the unknown. What the world has witnessed of her behavior is alarming: She's publicly french kissed her brother, proclaiming oddly, how much she's "in love with him" at that given moment. Her wanton sexuality, draping herself all over her ex-husband Billy Bob Thornton at an awards show as he proudly proclaimed they'd "just f*cked in the limo on the way here" was unseemly.

She exudes hotness out her pores — she drips seduction. Jolie wants men to worship her. Not just some men, ALL MEN.

 In another lapse of moral fiber, she set her sculpted features squarely on another woman's husband, breaking up the perfectly boring couple of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Aniston didn't have a chance against the wild, unbridled Jolie. Kittens are no match for man-eating cheetahs: they stalk their prey with cunning and coyness, playing cat and mouse until they have you in their paws.

Brad, here's a tip: Angelina is going to tear you to bits and pieces, leaving your organs to dry in the sun as my cats do with chipmunks. You sir, are toast.

Jolie isn't going to marry Brad. Brad was merely a means to her dastardly ends; Jolie won't stop until all our men fall victim to her guile. And we women are no better, falling for her whore-with-a-golden-heart routine. Parading little brown babies from the poor nethers of the world, tricking us into thinking she is a saint. Saints don't bed your men, stab you in the back and slyly eye their next victim.

This is no saint, boys and girls – this is the final warning sign of the apocalypse. You've been warned.