All the disinterested bystanders pretended to ignore Elijah, and instead continued to read their newspapers or use their laptops.
He then said, "I am the one true prophet! Who wants to wager? I'll call on the Lord, and you can call on Seth or Ashtar or whomever is popular this week. The God who answers with fire wins the 'God Sweepstakes'."
All the people answered, "What the heck???" but decided to play along, if for no other reason than the fact they thought it would all prove highly amusing.
Out of the crowd, a couple of New Agers stepped forward to take the challenge.
Altars were built. A small grill, for "sacrificial cooking", was placed in the center of each.
Each side prepared a meatloaf out of the finest USDA-approved beef money could buy.
The New Agers then called out to their Gods, but nobody answered the phone.
And they hopped around the altar they had prepared. There was much gnashing of teeth. The grill did not light.
After a while, some of the crowd got bored and went home. The New Agers looked crestfallen but put on a brave face.
Elijah then said to all remaining, "Fill four large glasses with water and pour it over the charcoal."
They did it. The New Agers, however, didn't help.
Having obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), not to mention being a bit anal-retentive, Elijah said, "Do it again."
They did. Again, the New Agers stood by as the crowd lent a hand to Elijah.
"Do it a third time," he demanded. Did we mention Elijah's OCD?
Anyway, at that point, water flowed around the altar and filled the bottom of the grill.
When the time for offering sacrifice came, Elijah mumbled some religious mumbo-jumbo and the Lord's fire came down - consuming the altar, the grill and sacrificial meatloaf.
Seeing this, the people exclaimed, "Holy crap!"
Then Elijah said to them, "Seize the New Age false prophets. Let none of them escape!"
The New Agers were seized, and Elijah had them brought into a nearby alley and there he slit their throats. The end.
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Thus ends the first few excerpts from the "post-modern edition" of the Bible. Coming soon, excerpts from The New Testament.
Article comments
1 - John Wilkinson
I really hope this is a joke. If it's not, shame on everyone who wrote this version of the Bible.
I have been reading my Bible(New King James version) for years and have had no problem understanding it.
2 - Phillip Winn
What would this be, if not parody? Seriously, John, what on earth would it be? The only alternative I can think of would be to assume that this was a serious attempt to update the Bible for a modern audience, right? So do you really think that is a possibility here?
Chill out, John. I'm a Christian and I think this is pretty funny.
3 - hugh
I think it's pretty funny. I don't think it's blasphemous.
The King James is better written, though.
4 - John Wilkinson
Okay, okay, okay, I would have to admit I did do a little chuckle when I read this, and I understand that it is a parody. But my only question is: Why poke fun on the most important book in history. I mean, this is God's word written for us. And when it comes to God, I prefer to give Him some respect.(call me crazy)
Besides, if you want something written in contempary language I recommend "The Message".
Bottom line: I simply want to give God the glory and honor. Reading this book and not taking offense(even a little) isn't giving the Lord glory and honor.
5 - Martha Wilson
Where can I get a copy? I have tried ebay, CBD and Amazon? I don't have time to spend an hour on the web searching, so any help would be appreciated. Will I like it all? Probably not, but will it cause people to think and talk, I think so from what I have read here. IMHO
6 - Kurt Nordstrom
For your dose of Biblical parody, why not try the IRC Bible? May God have mercy upon my soul for laughing.
7 - Vic
Hey Phillip, how is it the links in the first few posts on this thread don't go through a redirect?
Just wondering,
Vic
8 - Nicole
Hey John, I have a question for you. You said the bible is "God's word written for us". Written through who? Call me crazy, but with all the different "versions" of the Bible (if it IS God's word, why would there be different versions?)available, I find myself a little skeptical.
9 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
heh. very amusing, is what. you might like Ricky Gervais' (of the office) version of the creation story in his latest stand-up dvd, animals. Very very funny. ("the snake was to crawl about on its belly... not much of a punishment for a snake, really")
Also, Spike Milligan wrote The Old Testament According To Spike Milligan, which, sadly, isn't really that funny at all for the most part.
This was pretty witty, though, man. Especially liked the Noah bit.