For a while, things seemed to be going along quite nicely.
Then, in the 1980s, "Cable Television" came into its own, followed shortly thereafter by the personal computer. By the end of the 20th century, Internet access became affordable and very popular.
Soon, the world was "media saturated". Many small, niche markets appeared. True communication began to be fractured and unruly.
The signal-to-noise ratio dropped dramatically.
And the Lord said, "Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do. Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another's speech."
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THE TEN COMMANDMENTS (Exodus 20)
The Lord God spoke, saying, "I hate to tell you what to do, so let's just call these my '10 Suggestions'. That said, I highly suggest you follow these to the letter, or some bad stuff is going to go down."
1. No other gods allowed. No exceptions. You play you pay.
2. Don't be messing with the "graven images", people. Whether that be in a more traditional medium, such as sculpture, or on television. Which reminds me, I still have to have a talk with that Jerry Falwell feller.
3. Don't use my name is vain. So, yes, "god damn" is out. While I'm on the subject, I'm not too fond of the phrase, "Jesus H. Christ!" either. But that's probably something I should address later, in the New Testament.
4. Go to church on Sunday. I'm not fooling around here.
5. Don't sass your parents. They are your elders and, therefore, much wiser than you.
6. Murder is bad. Don't do it.
7. If you're married, don't sleep around. God doesn't like "playas" or "sluts." And if you're going to have sex, for my sake, use protection. No love without the glove, people!
8. Stealing is also bad. Don't do that either.
9. Never ever lie. Never. This is wrong and, quite frankly, I don't like it.
10. Don't covet other people's stuff. For those who don't know, "covet" is defined as "long for with envy." I don't care if it's a sports car, a phat bank account, or the other person's husband or wife. But especially the spouse. See Suggestion #7 for more details on that last one.
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ELIJAH AND THE PROPHETS (1 Kings 18: 21-46)
Elijah really grooved on God.
So he came before the people and said, "Choose or lose, folks. It's either God's way or the highway."
Article comments
1 - John Wilkinson
I really hope this is a joke. If it's not, shame on everyone who wrote this version of the Bible.
I have been reading my Bible(New King James version) for years and have had no problem understanding it.
2 - Phillip Winn
What would this be, if not parody? Seriously, John, what on earth would it be? The only alternative I can think of would be to assume that this was a serious attempt to update the Bible for a modern audience, right? So do you really think that is a possibility here?
Chill out, John. I'm a Christian and I think this is pretty funny.
3 - hugh
I think it's pretty funny. I don't think it's blasphemous.
The King James is better written, though.
4 - John Wilkinson
Okay, okay, okay, I would have to admit I did do a little chuckle when I read this, and I understand that it is a parody. But my only question is: Why poke fun on the most important book in history. I mean, this is God's word written for us. And when it comes to God, I prefer to give Him some respect.(call me crazy)
Besides, if you want something written in contempary language I recommend "The Message".
Bottom line: I simply want to give God the glory and honor. Reading this book and not taking offense(even a little) isn't giving the Lord glory and honor.
5 - Martha Wilson
Where can I get a copy? I have tried ebay, CBD and Amazon? I don't have time to spend an hour on the web searching, so any help would be appreciated. Will I like it all? Probably not, but will it cause people to think and talk, I think so from what I have read here. IMHO
6 - Kurt Nordstrom
For your dose of Biblical parody, why not try the IRC Bible? May God have mercy upon my soul for laughing.
7 - Vic
Hey Phillip, how is it the links in the first few posts on this thread don't go through a redirect?
Just wondering,
Vic
8 - Nicole
Hey John, I have a question for you. You said the bible is "God's word written for us". Written through who? Call me crazy, but with all the different "versions" of the Bible (if it IS God's word, why would there be different versions?)available, I find myself a little skeptical.
9 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
heh. very amusing, is what. you might like Ricky Gervais' (of the office) version of the creation story in his latest stand-up dvd, animals. Very very funny. ("the snake was to crawl about on its belly... not much of a punishment for a snake, really")
Also, Spike Milligan wrote The Old Testament According To Spike Milligan, which, sadly, isn't really that funny at all for the most part.
This was pretty witty, though, man. Especially liked the Noah bit.