So, God said unto Noah, "Of all the living creatures you shall collect two DNA samples. Of all kinds of birds, of all kinds of beasts, and all of the creeping things. Of all the creatures clean and unclean."
"Even cockroaches?" Noah asked.
"No," God replied. "They will survive on their own. They always do."
"Thus," God continued, after he had been so rudely interrupted, "you will keep their issue alive over all the earth."
"Oh," God added, almost as an afterthought, "did I mention there's going to be a big flood in seven days?"
Noah, and his family, quickly collected the genetic material. They purchased a large yacht and outfitted it with the latest in scientific cloning equipment.
Noah went on late-night radio, heard by a worldwide audience, and shared his dire predictions.
But people had become wicked, not to mention jaded, and so wrote Noah off as yet another "entertaining kook."
Boy, were they surprised less than a week later!
For forty days and forty nights heavy rain poured down on the earth. It was covered live by The Weather Channel *and* CNN.
The Carnival Cruise line made a killing, as all their cruises were quickly booked. In fact, all the cruise ships made out on this one.
As many senior citizens had made reservations long before the "flood panic", many of the survivors were over 65 years of age.
At the end of forty days, on the first day of the month, the water began to dry up on the earth. In the second month, on the twenty-seventh day of that month, the earth was dry.
All the survivors disembarked from the cruise ships. All those who had had "flood insurance" immediately filed claims.
This put all the insurance companies out of business.
And this was good.
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THE TOWER OF BABEL (Genesis 11)
In the beginning was the oral tradition. Then the written word appeared. For many centuries, monks made out like bandits, copying text from book to book one letter at a time.
In 1452, Gutenberg conceived of the idea for movable type. In his workshop, he brought together the technologies of paper, oil-based ink and the wine-press to print books.
Somewhere in there, blueprints came about. People were soon building vast cities with many skyscrapers.
In 1937, Chester Carlson invented a copying process based on electrostatic energy. Xerography became commercially available in 1950 by the Xerox Corporation.
Shortly before and after that breakthrough, both radio and television came into use. Not to mention the telephone.
Article comments
1 - John Wilkinson
I really hope this is a joke. If it's not, shame on everyone who wrote this version of the Bible.
I have been reading my Bible(New King James version) for years and have had no problem understanding it.
2 - Phillip Winn
What would this be, if not parody? Seriously, John, what on earth would it be? The only alternative I can think of would be to assume that this was a serious attempt to update the Bible for a modern audience, right? So do you really think that is a possibility here?
Chill out, John. I'm a Christian and I think this is pretty funny.
3 - hugh
I think it's pretty funny. I don't think it's blasphemous.
The King James is better written, though.
4 - John Wilkinson
Okay, okay, okay, I would have to admit I did do a little chuckle when I read this, and I understand that it is a parody. But my only question is: Why poke fun on the most important book in history. I mean, this is God's word written for us. And when it comes to God, I prefer to give Him some respect.(call me crazy)
Besides, if you want something written in contempary language I recommend "The Message".
Bottom line: I simply want to give God the glory and honor. Reading this book and not taking offense(even a little) isn't giving the Lord glory and honor.
5 - Martha Wilson
Where can I get a copy? I have tried ebay, CBD and Amazon? I don't have time to spend an hour on the web searching, so any help would be appreciated. Will I like it all? Probably not, but will it cause people to think and talk, I think so from what I have read here. IMHO
6 - Kurt Nordstrom
For your dose of Biblical parody, why not try the IRC Bible? May God have mercy upon my soul for laughing.
7 - Vic
Hey Phillip, how is it the links in the first few posts on this thread don't go through a redirect?
Just wondering,
Vic
8 - Nicole
Hey John, I have a question for you. You said the bible is "God's word written for us". Written through who? Call me crazy, but with all the different "versions" of the Bible (if it IS God's word, why would there be different versions?)available, I find myself a little skeptical.
9 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
heh. very amusing, is what. you might like Ricky Gervais' (of the office) version of the creation story in his latest stand-up dvd, animals. Very very funny. ("the snake was to crawl about on its belly... not much of a punishment for a snake, really")
Also, Spike Milligan wrote The Old Testament According To Spike Milligan, which, sadly, isn't really that funny at all for the most part.
This was pretty witty, though, man. Especially liked the Noah bit.