Adam wasn't particularly hungry that night, but Eve nagged and cajoled him until he, too, ordered a side of applesauce.
Now, God had warned these two kids not to eat anything with apples in it, for they were very allergic to that particular fruit.
But they went ahead and ordered it anyway.
When the meal arrived, Adam said, "Maybe we shouldn't eat the applesauce. After all, God said we'd be 'doomed to die' if we ate anything with apples in it."
"God's an old worry-wart," Eve replied, "I mean, what's the worst that can happen? We break out in a rash?"
And so they heartily consumed their meal.
Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were in a public place wearing nothing but their underwear. They felt naked and ashamed.
When they heard the sound of the Lord God coming through the rib joint front door, they ran and hid in the restroom.
But God, being all knowing, soon found them.
"Why did you eat the forbidden side dish?" God asked.
Adam immediately blamed the woman.
The Lord God then asked Eve, "What in My name were you thinking, woman?"
Eve answered, "That waitress tricked me into it. I swear to... ahhh... you, I wanted the cottage cheese!"
God, being in a particularly foul mood that night, decided the man and woman needed to be taught a lesson.
Both were banned from the "Bar-B-Que Gardens" restaurant and, further more, were made to live out their lives in a trailer park.
Adam collected unemployment checks, while Eve got pregnant twice.
Her two sons, Cain and Abel, got along for the most part - until, one day, Cain got it into his head that God liked Abel better.
Unfortunately, Cain was an alcoholic and, in a fit of rage, killed his brother.
God was not pleased. Nobody was.
Cain spent the rest of his days in a maximum-security prison where, for the most part, he was his cellmate's "bitch."
-
NOAH AND THE ARK (Genesis 6)
God was none too pleased about how things were turning out. It was all going to hell in a hand basket, thanks to the wicked ways of men and women.
So, God fired the writer who had first suggested the "man concept" during that big staff meeting and, then, called in the remaining ones to do a major rewrite.
"I want a whole new show," he said, "based around the character of 'Noah.'"
Meanwhile, Noah had pretty much been minding his own business up to that point. He, and most of his family, was geneticists. Science was their life.
Article comments
1 - John Wilkinson
I really hope this is a joke. If it's not, shame on everyone who wrote this version of the Bible.
I have been reading my Bible(New King James version) for years and have had no problem understanding it.
2 - Phillip Winn
What would this be, if not parody? Seriously, John, what on earth would it be? The only alternative I can think of would be to assume that this was a serious attempt to update the Bible for a modern audience, right? So do you really think that is a possibility here?
Chill out, John. I'm a Christian and I think this is pretty funny.
3 - hugh
I think it's pretty funny. I don't think it's blasphemous.
The King James is better written, though.
4 - John Wilkinson
Okay, okay, okay, I would have to admit I did do a little chuckle when I read this, and I understand that it is a parody. But my only question is: Why poke fun on the most important book in history. I mean, this is God's word written for us. And when it comes to God, I prefer to give Him some respect.(call me crazy)
Besides, if you want something written in contempary language I recommend "The Message".
Bottom line: I simply want to give God the glory and honor. Reading this book and not taking offense(even a little) isn't giving the Lord glory and honor.
5 - Martha Wilson
Where can I get a copy? I have tried ebay, CBD and Amazon? I don't have time to spend an hour on the web searching, so any help would be appreciated. Will I like it all? Probably not, but will it cause people to think and talk, I think so from what I have read here. IMHO
6 - Kurt Nordstrom
For your dose of Biblical parody, why not try the IRC Bible? May God have mercy upon my soul for laughing.
7 - Vic
Hey Phillip, how is it the links in the first few posts on this thread don't go through a redirect?
Just wondering,
Vic
8 - Nicole
Hey John, I have a question for you. You said the bible is "God's word written for us". Written through who? Call me crazy, but with all the different "versions" of the Bible (if it IS God's word, why would there be different versions?)available, I find myself a little skeptical.
9 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
heh. very amusing, is what. you might like Ricky Gervais' (of the office) version of the creation story in his latest stand-up dvd, animals. Very very funny. ("the snake was to crawl about on its belly... not much of a punishment for a snake, really")
Also, Spike Milligan wrote The Old Testament According To Spike Milligan, which, sadly, isn't really that funny at all for the most part.
This was pretty witty, though, man. Especially liked the Noah bit.