With its sometimes archaic language, and tales of long ago, the present-day person can find it hard to see just how Biblical teachings apply to his/her life.
To alleviate this problem, the best Biblical scholars are now working with some hip young writing talent to bring you...
[ THE BIBLE: POST-MODERN EDITION ]
THE STORY OF CREATION (Genesis 1:1-31)
In the beginning, the signal had yet to be broadcast. A darkness covered the scene.
Then God said, "Lights!"
God saw how good the light was. God then separated the light from darkness and created three work shifts: Day, night and graveyard.
Then God said, "Camera!"
So God started "G3 Studios", and hired all manner of creative-types. Writers and computer animators alike.
Through creative script writing and cutting-edge computer animation, his "peeps" formed water under the sky to be gathered into a single basin, so that dry land might be added digitally around that basin. God saw how good it was.
They then added vegetation: every kind of plant that bears seed and every kind of fruit tree on earth.
Soon, God suggested, "Let the earth bring forth all kinds of living creatures: cattle, creeping things, and wild animals of all kinds."
"I know I'm only the producer/director," God said, "but you might want to take my suggestion under advisement."
Usually, the creative-types working under God merely tolerated his suggestions - after all, THEY were the artists - but, they thought this time, that ain't half-bad!
And so it was done.
But something seemed to be missing. So a staff meeting was held, and much brainstorming ensued. Out of that conference came MAN.
Being a bit of a narcissist, God wanted man created in his image.
Two sexes were created. Man and woman.
"For the purposes of dramatic tension," as one writer put it.
And, thusly, God said, "Action!"
God looked at everything that had been created, and he found it award-winning.
Or, to quote God directly, "Hey... It's all good!"
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THE STORY OF ADAM & EVE (Genesis 2-4)
Adam and Eve decided to eat out one evening, and so found themselves at "Bar-B-Que Gardens".
Eve was famished, so she ordered a big plate of ribs.
"What side dish did you want with that?" the waitress hissed.
Eve was considering the cottage cheese, but the waitress snaked her way around the table and whispered in Eve's ear, "Try the applesauce. It's really good. It's home-made!"
"Why the hell not?" Eve thought, and ordered it.
Article comments
1 - John Wilkinson
I really hope this is a joke. If it's not, shame on everyone who wrote this version of the Bible.
I have been reading my Bible(New King James version) for years and have had no problem understanding it.
2 - Phillip Winn
What would this be, if not parody? Seriously, John, what on earth would it be? The only alternative I can think of would be to assume that this was a serious attempt to update the Bible for a modern audience, right? So do you really think that is a possibility here?
Chill out, John. I'm a Christian and I think this is pretty funny.
3 - hugh
I think it's pretty funny. I don't think it's blasphemous.
The King James is better written, though.
4 - John Wilkinson
Okay, okay, okay, I would have to admit I did do a little chuckle when I read this, and I understand that it is a parody. But my only question is: Why poke fun on the most important book in history. I mean, this is God's word written for us. And when it comes to God, I prefer to give Him some respect.(call me crazy)
Besides, if you want something written in contempary language I recommend "The Message".
Bottom line: I simply want to give God the glory and honor. Reading this book and not taking offense(even a little) isn't giving the Lord glory and honor.
5 - Martha Wilson
Where can I get a copy? I have tried ebay, CBD and Amazon? I don't have time to spend an hour on the web searching, so any help would be appreciated. Will I like it all? Probably not, but will it cause people to think and talk, I think so from what I have read here. IMHO
6 - Kurt Nordstrom
For your dose of Biblical parody, why not try the IRC Bible? May God have mercy upon my soul for laughing.
7 - Vic
Hey Phillip, how is it the links in the first few posts on this thread don't go through a redirect?
Just wondering,
Vic
8 - Nicole
Hey John, I have a question for you. You said the bible is "God's word written for us". Written through who? Call me crazy, but with all the different "versions" of the Bible (if it IS God's word, why would there be different versions?)available, I find myself a little skeptical.
9 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
heh. very amusing, is what. you might like Ricky Gervais' (of the office) version of the creation story in his latest stand-up dvd, animals. Very very funny. ("the snake was to crawl about on its belly... not much of a punishment for a snake, really")
Also, Spike Milligan wrote The Old Testament According To Spike Milligan, which, sadly, isn't really that funny at all for the most part.
This was pretty witty, though, man. Especially liked the Noah bit.