“J.K. Rowling Outs Hogwarts’ Headmaster: Tells Audience Albus Dumbledore is Gay” (recent news headline)
Of course, this news brought with it the even more shocking revelation that fictional characters lead lives outside the pages of their books. We can now wonder what King Lear ate for breakfast, or where Mr. and Mrs. Darcy went on their honeymoon. In fact, we anticipate that Ms. Rowling’s bold move will set off a whole string of literary surprises. We share some of them in imaginary headlines below.
“Ian Fleming Admits 007 Never Had License to Kill: ‘Gun Loaded Only With Blanks’”
“Strike Four: Mighty Casey Implicated in Mudville Steroid Scandal”
“Say It Ain’t So! Carroll Claims Alice Made Up Wonderland Story”
“Cervantes Tells All: Quixote – Windmill Fight Was Fixed!”
“Author Hints at Existence of Two More Mohicans”
“Dickens Now Claims Third City in his Tale”
‘Goethe Admits Young Werther’s Sorrows Could Have Been Treated With Prozac”
"Roth Revelation: Zuckerman Member of Masonic Lodge?”
“Press Conference Bombshell: Two Karamazov Brothers Adopted: Ivan Not Even Russian”
“On the Road Protagonist Drove Off-Road Vehicle”
“Not So Cowardly?: Baum Confesses He Defamed Lion”
“War and Peace Author Admits: ‘The Peace Never Lasted’”
“Now It Can Be Told: Lord of the Flies was Reality Show ‘Gone Badly Wrong’”
“The Bard Breaks His Silence: Romeo Had a Second Wife”
“The Day Lucky Jim’s Luck Ran Out”
“Alice Walker Tells Workshop: The Color Was Actually Light Violet”
“'Me Tarzan, You Jane, She Jane’s Best Friend': Author Reveals Tarzan’s Torrid Tree-somes"
“Defoe Declares: Robinson Crusoe Had GPS Locator, Communication Device”
“Homeric Hutzpah: Epic Poet Says Helen of Troy Had Plastic Surgery: ‘Without Nip and Tuck, Face Would Not Have Launched a Single Ship.’”
“Orwellian Nightmare: Spouse Claims 'Big Brother Liked to Watch'”
"Gabriel Garcia Marquez Now Admits: Only Eighty-Seven Years of Solitude”
“The Sad Truth About Sherlock Holmes’ Faithful Companion: Watson Not a Real Doctor – Bought Degree from Diploma Mill”
"J.D. Salinger Breaks Silence: Holden Caulfield Grew Up to Become Hedge Fund Manager"
Article comments
1 - Gordon Hauptfleisch
I’m tempted to toss in “Love in the Time of Cholesterol” with the “Eighty-Seven Years of Solitude,” only it’s based on an actual bookstore customer malapropism. Enjoyed the article.