The king's men breathed heavily under their thick black hoods as they secured the wrists and ankles of prisoner William Tumey of Kent and as the rack's handle began to turn the ropes tightened and William's limbs were slowly stretched in opposite directions until his spine began to pop much like a bag of Redenbachers in a microwave and for something like the time it takes a hummingbird's wings to complete one cycle William smiled and euphorically languished in perfect lumbar alignment. — Daniel Kern,
Boise, Idaho
and finally, the Grand Prize Winner:
Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean. — Jim Guigli,
Carmichael, California
Be sure to click on over to the Bulwar-Lytton site for more priceless prose and the many, many other entries. If you don't bust a gut, well, it will probably be close...
Article comments
1 - Gordon Hauptfleisch
Good write-up of some admirably wretched writing, but alas, I was not wretched enough and only garnered, in the 2004 contest, a Dishonorable Mention, Purple Prose division, for this too unpurpled sentence:
The day was packing heat and cracking wise as the scorching sun torched the hot dry Santa Anas like fry on rice, crispy with a snap, crackle and pop, and poured into the surreal bowl of the Los Angeles Basin as the red winds rattled every dwelling from Bay City bungalow to Bel Air chateau like a china shop in a bullring, the whole stinking, teeming tinderbox as combustible as a drill sergeant at clown college, as unsettling as corn on the cob rationing at an Iowa Society picnic.
2 - Deano
Well, that's still almighty wretched...you should be proud!
3 - Gordon Hauptfleisch
Thanks, Deano--you're much too unkind!