It was a crepuscular and tempestuous eve..., no, that's not right — what about night? No, it's been used... ummm, how about gloom... or nocturne? Damn it, I just can't find an obscure and caliginous synonym when I need one...
The Annual Bulwar-Lytton Fiction Contest results for 2006 are now in. Slightly more prestigious then the Giller Prize and ranked only a hair below the Pulitzer, the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is a true test of an author's ability to pen exquisitely painful paragraphs of prose.
Started in 1982 and run by the San Jose State University's English Department, the Bulwar-Lytton Fiction Writing Contest takes it name from Edward George Bulwar-Lytton, the famous Victorian author of The Last Days of Pompeii, Eugene Aram, Rienzi, and most famously Paul Clifford - in which he penned what was widely considered to be the most over-wrought literary opening ever, the famous lines "It was a dark and stromy night..."
Here then are a selection of the devilishly brilliant prose from the winners of the 2006 Bulwar-Lytton Contest:
"I know what you're thinking, punk," hissed Wordy Harry to his new editor, "you're thinking, 'Did he use six superfluous adjectives or only five?' — and to tell the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement; but being as this is English, the most powerful language in the world, whose subtle nuances will blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' — well do you, punk?" — Stuart Vasepuru, Edinburgh, Scotland
Todd languished there, neck deep in the pumpkin-hued Amargosa Desert sand like a long forgotten cupcake in an Easy Bake Oven gone hellishly amok, and it finally made sense... "ooohhhh, DEATH Valley." — Jeffrey Barnes, Atlanta, Georgia
When Debbie decided that Salt 'n' Pepper Beard was the most attractive pirate on the ship, she realized that choosing him was due to the advice of Sylvia, her new Life Coach, to be realistic about her own age and to open herself up to romance where it lay, unlike the troublesome past where she would have wished that only the younger pirates take advantage of her. — Jim Guigli,Carmichael, California
Article comments
1 - Gordon Hauptfleisch
Good write-up of some admirably wretched writing, but alas, I was not wretched enough and only garnered, in the 2004 contest, a Dishonorable Mention, Purple Prose division, for this too unpurpled sentence:
The day was packing heat and cracking wise as the scorching sun torched the hot dry Santa Anas like fry on rice, crispy with a snap, crackle and pop, and poured into the surreal bowl of the Los Angeles Basin as the red winds rattled every dwelling from Bay City bungalow to Bel Air chateau like a china shop in a bullring, the whole stinking, teeming tinderbox as combustible as a drill sergeant at clown college, as unsettling as corn on the cob rationing at an Iowa Society picnic.
2 - Deano
Well, that's still almighty wretched...you should be proud!
3 - Gordon Hauptfleisch
Thanks, Deano--you're much too unkind!