The International "Situation" has been troubling me lately. It should trouble all Americans. After all, why do we want to keep the French, Germans, and Russians on our bad side? Why not let bygones be bygones?
In the spirit of this new era of detente, might I suggest a bold move to cement our new relationship: Appoint Scott Adams as our Ambassador to France, Germany and Russia.
But why, you ask? Scott Adams is a lowly cartoonist. His cartoons are poorly drawn. Besides, a busy production schedule for Dilbert would surely keep him from diplomatic duties.
Put these worries out of your head, dear readers. Adams is a natural to be our lead negotiator with the Axis of Weasels. As evidence, I give you his manual for French diplomacy, AKA Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel.
Adams hones into the Weasel psyche like a tomahawk on Saddam Hussein's love nest. Listen to him describe the French gambit to ensure Hans Blix gets more time for inspections, from p. 12 of the hardback edition:
You might have noticed that tasks tend to "manage themselves" if given enough time. By that I mean that you can ignore almost everything that is asked of you and in the long run it won't matter. (eerie, isn't it — ed.)
Now, clearly the weasel way is not the way currently practiced by U.S. diplomacy. But there are other roadmaps to Jacque Chirac's mind:
Compliance - Have you ever noticed that the word complying has the word lying built right into it? That's probably not a coincidence.
Weasel Zone: There's a gigantic gray area between good moral behavior and outright felonious activities. I call that the Weasel Zone and it's where most of life happens.
Of course, not only would Adams make a perfect ambassador to the Axis of Weasels, but he'd also be a perfect ambassador to Leftist America, as he shows clearly in his chapter on weasel debating techniques.
Nothing makes a weasel argue more vigorously than being proven wrong. ...
The traditional method for approaching an argument is to bring up relevant facts and weave them together in a logical framework. Unfortunately, that won't work against weasels, because they use a superior debating method that involves conjuring up hallucinations, carefully arranging them in a tangled lump, and declaring victory.
Sort of like Not In Our Name, eh?