Pamela wants Rickey back. Rickey swears his undying love to Jennifer then has his way with Pamela and her friend Lisa “Isis” McGee, repeatedly, once at the same time. In the end Jennifer leaves him because she thinks he’s cheating on her (which was obvious as he both confessed it and shagged another woman in front of her). Lisa gives him up after a cat fight and Pamela wins him – not really the prize he is supposed to be, I think.
That’s it. And that’s not it in a nutshell - that’s all there is to it. This isn’t a real novel, it’s just an excuse to read about people screwing. I would like to tell you about plot holes but there are more holes than plot. I wouldn’t know where to begin telling what was wrong with this “story”.
Although reader, there was one mistake, reader, that I thought such an obvious mistake, reader, that I couldn’t believe he had made it, reader. And, reader, he made it over and over again, reader, so that it was more like a speech impediment, reader.
The characters repeatedly used each other’s names, reader. Maybe he feared, reader, that you wouldn’t know who was talking or who, reader, they were talking to, reader, unless he told you all the time, reader. Irritating, huh? It also makes me wonder if he has ever actually read a novel, reader.
Here are some of my favourite paragraphs for you to read and judge for yourself. Some of them just show you the full unbelievability of this book, others show off his terrifying lack of knowledge when it comes to… well… cumming. And others are just too funny not to reprint. (I’m not going to correct the spelling, grammar or punctuation mistakes so that you get the full effect.)
As Jennifer sat down, she ordered a drink while she waited for Rickey. When the waiter brought her drink, he hesitated for a moment as Jennifer turned to take the drink from him, and the drink slid from his hands onto the ground. Jennifer covered her face in agony because she had been through the same thing hundreds of times. The waiter had been distracted by her voluptuous bosom and let the drink slip right out of his hands. This was the curse of every well-breasted woman, and Jennifer tried not to think too much of it.Speaking as a “well-breasted woman” –- no really, they’re fabulous -– this has never happened. Yes, men look at them, even talk to them occasionally, but mostly they try as hard as they can to look you in the eye. Men never drop things at the sight of fabulous breasts; they aren’t that gormless.
I think you should dress formally as Pamela is a very important woman in the business world and she is probably inviting extremely important people and friends for dinner. But, I think you should wear your light black suit because the sight of you in that suit turns me on so much. And, we are here on our honeymoon, so that wouldn’t be a bad idea.Forty-eight hour orgasm? I don’t think that’s an incentive; too much of a good thing after all. And when was the last time you knew a man who could describe more than the colour of his favourite you-look-hot-in-it dress?
“I see you point,” said Rickey as he gave Jennifer one of his sexy looks that told her that he understood what she was saying. “However, I think you should wear something very provocative tonight. I was thinking your new green silk evening gown with the low-cut bosom, tight back, and round shoulder design. You remember what happened the last time you wore something like that. I ended up giving you a 48 hour orgasm.”
Rickey couldn’t help but realize how beautiful and stunning sexual his new wife was.Why couldn’t he help it? Why wouldn’t he want to?
As they feasted on a breakfast of scrambled eggs, roast beef, and English muffins, Rickey and Jennifer discussed their plans for the day.Roast Beef?! For breakfast? Yuck!
Rickey came only moments after Jennifer and the force of his release into Jennifer shot her to the other side of the elevator.Good god! That could cause internal damage!
Yes Rickey, don’t stop. Keep going faster Rickey. Oh, goodness!!!Goodness yes. Don’t stop.
“Yes Lisa, keep moving with me. Push yourself up against me and twist in your unbelievable ways.”
“Well, you have to supplicate me Rickey. Scream my name out. Holler at me and tell me what you want me to do to you.”
“Make me climax Lisa! I want to come inside of you! I want you to slid against me and push your breasts in my faces. I want you to sign my discharge petition!”
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Snarkattack
Woah, how on earth did this get published?! I trust your judgement, and on reading your review and somewhat bewildered!
Incidentally, did you know that men apparently can lactate due to extreme malnutrition? The author of this work may have had better luck if he had've added a male lactating sex scene instead of a female one, heh heh.
2 - A.L. Harper
You know what I wondered the same thing. Turns out it's self published. He should've at least paid for an editor for christ's sake.
3 - A.L. Harper
Oh yeah. I didn't know men could lactate. I don't think I wanted to know but thank you for the insightful information.
4 - Snarkattack
Yes, sorry for the completely useless information. It seems to be selling pretty well for a self-published book, at least according to Amazon. Not all self-published work is bad, but clearly this isn't the mould-breaker.
5 - A.L. Harper
No I have reviewed a couple of self published books that were good. They were fuckin' Tolstoy compared to this shite! Although, I did laugh a lot. But of course it was for the wrong reasons.
I guess you have to weigh that against how much it costs.
6 - Snarkattack
And if you happen to hit more...Dickensian times, you can add water and either eat the pages of said bad self-published erotica, or use it to keep your fires lit!
Now I'm just being mean. I do feel slightly sorry for the author.
7 - A.L. Harper
I feel sorry for him too. Poor kid. He doesn't have a chance of getting a woman. Not if this is what he thinks is romance.
8 - A.L. Harper
Or good sex.
9 - Ruvy in Jerusalem
But A.J.,
It seems that Basem is making money off this trash. This says something for the high literary taste of the reading public, doesn't it?
Who cares about plots or the holes in plots when you have an abundance of holes functioning?
10 - A.L. Harper
Ruvy I'm shocked! You talking about functioning holes?! *laugh* I love it!
It is sad that this book is doing so well. It really doesn't deserve it. There are so many books out there with real literary value or at least more than a passing can't-look-away, car-accident appeal. And authors with real talent. Who deserve the recognition and money.
11 - Joan Hunt
Oh good Lord! Such atrocious writing and such great fun to pick apart! A.L., I'm going to the library to see if they have it...I simply must take a stab at this one, too.
12 - Ruvy in Jerusalem
The more I think about it, the more I admire this Darwish character. Writing shit is easy. Selling it, on the other hand...
13 - A.L. Harper
I'm so glad you liked it Joan. You can borrow my copy. I would love that if you wrote another review to get another POV. Not to mention more hilarious quotes from the book.
Ruvy - You're going to make start to admire him don't do that! I guess it just goes to show that marketing is everything.
BLECH!
14 - Gordon Hauptfleisch
Her lips said no no no, but her eyes said yes yes yes--and her voluptuous bosom, her 48-hour orgasm, the broken elevator, the signed discharge papers, and, for some reason, the roast beef.
Damingly damnable, but great review, A.L.
15 - A.L. Harper
Thanks Gordon! Yeah what's with the roast beef for breakfast? Who eats scrambled eggs with roast beef on English muffins? Am I missing some huge cultural shift from cereal or toast to red meat and un-fertilised chicken ovum?
16 - Christopher Rose
I'm still laughing over the imagined force of this guy's ejeculation! "the force of his release into Jennifer shot her to the other side of the elevator"
Classic!
17 - A.L. Harper
Are you glad to see me darling or is that just a canon in your pants?
18 - Jet in Columbus
Uh huh... And I was worried about my posts?
19 - A.L. Harper
What? This is as clean as this post could possibly be.
20 - Jet in Columbus
And that's saying something!
21 - A.L. Harper
Yes I've read your posts. They are very good.
22 - Jet in Columbus
Thank you, that means a lot. Have you checked out my personal blog? There's one there that I can't publish here you might like.
23 - A.L. Harper
Very interesting Jet. Well done.
24 - Scott Butki
Spontaneous lactation? Oh my god this is so bad it sounds campy.
25 - Natalie Bennett
This article has been selected for syndication to Advance.net, which is affiliated with newspapers around the United States. Nice work!