He knows if you’ve been naughty or nice, he’s checked his list twice, and he’s read every wishful letter children send him. Now, Santa is writing back and he isn’t so happy-go-lucky. In Santa Responds: He’s Had Enough and He’s Writing Back, Santa responds to children’s letters with a cynical, mildly cankerous, attitude and voices his real opinion of them. And yes, Santa Claus wrote this one himself.
Responds is comparable to John Updike’s, The Twelve Terrors of Christmas and Christopher Moore’s, The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of a Christmas Terror. Only, this time the quirky, humorous side of Christmas is straight from the fat man’s mouth. And let’s just say he’s not holding back.
And why should he? Seeing how he just spent a long, cold night on a sleigh, his face in nine reindeers’ butts, delivering toys to little monsters who write barely legible or completely insincere letters.
Printed by Running Book Publishers, the book is laid out with the kids’ letters, in some goofy child-like font, on the left, and Santa’s letters, on what appears to be official letterhead, on the right. And the book’s front cover presents a pot-bellied, mildly alcoholic Santa with a stogie and a tattoo. Clearly this book is meant for laughs and without a doubt we get them, over and over.
So in Responds we learn of Santa’s frustration in dealing with devious, demanding, dishonest, and greedy little brats, why his toy-making is outsourced to China, and what he really thinks of marriage and Mrs. Claus. We also learn that the supposedly jolly fat man isn’t so jolly and that he isn’t so optimistic about the future of our children.
But we can’t forget the suspicious, cynical, and pessimistic children out there either. Their letters range from seeing Santa’s name as an anagram for Satan, to demanding gifts to rule the world, and to not believing he exists. No worries, Santa is on top of his game as he responds to these children and no one’s taking over the world any time soon.
Article comments
1 - Santa Claus
Kelsey: My legal name is Santa Claus. I'm a volunteer advocate for the 2 million children in the U.S. annually who are abused, neglected, exploited, abandoned, homeless, and institutionalized through no fault of their own. You do me, personally, a disservice when you write, "And yes, Santa Claus wrote this one himself...straight from the fat man's mouth...a pot-bellied, mildly alcoholic Santa with a stogie and a tattoo...here's the real Santa Claus..." I did not write SANTA RESPONDS.