We can all remember moments from childhood when we desperately wanted our parents' attention, approval, acknowledgment, support, or touch—but just didn't get it. That's normal. After all, parents are human and can't be "there" for their kids all the time. Parents can't be expected to respond compassionately, empathetically, and appropriately every single time their kids have a need. And sometimes parents simply don't have the material or emotional resources to do so.
But consider the above statement: We can all remember... Significantly, those moments when we felt disappointed, neglected, or dismissed by our parents stay with us long into adulthood. And if there are many such incidents, we quickly learn as children how to suppress our feelings of need in order to protect ourselves. As a result, when we grow up, we may not even be able to remember having unmet needs, even though we suffer from the emotional consequences.
Psychologist Jonice Webb, PhD has dedicated much of her professional life to studying this invisible phenomenon, which she named Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). CEN is invisible, she says, because it's about what didn't happen to us growing up, and it's about what we don't remember. Nevertheless, chronic childhood emotional neglect can have a devastating effect on us as adults, disrupting our health, personal life, relationships, and career.
In a new book, Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect (Morgan James Publishing, October 2012), Dr. Webb delves deeply into the subject, revealing the surprisingly serious consequences CEN can have on adults. These include feelings of emptiness, counter-dependence, unrealistic self-appraisal, guilt and shame, self-directed anger and blame, and difficulty nurturing. Feeling compassion for self and others is also affected, as is poor self-discipline, alexithymia (a poor awareness and understanding of emotions), and even suicidal feelings.
In addition to offering helpful insights for those who experienced CEN, Dr. Webb lays out practical solutions and strategies to help repair the damage. Based on more than a decade of research and clinical experience working with people suffering from the aftereffects of CEN, Dr. Webb presents detailed self-care practices and principles that have proven successful with her clients over the years.
Article comments
1 - charles altman
I heard an interview on NPR today with the author, and it was like someone lifted the blinders off my understanding of myself. I just got off the phone with my wife. I love her very much, but, I always joke around with her and tell her I want a divorce. This is a joke, but now I know where comments like this come from. I have major CEN and my parents died, yes I was there for the burials, but I never felt a sense of loss or anything. Now for the first time I know why. My parents DID NOT KNOW ME, AND I DID NOT KNOW THEM. It's a miracle I turned out semi OK.