Raising boys without men: Benefit to society or slap in the face to fathers?
If you're a single or lesbian mom who is raising a boy without his father and you want assurance that you can raise him to be a decent man, Raising Boys Without Men is the book for you. Peggy Drexler takes us on a feel-good journey through the lives of several boys being raised by single moms and lesbian couples.
What she found was these boys were essentially the same as the boys being raised in heterosexual families. She states, "I came to see that good, loving, growth-encouraging parenting is what sons need. Parenting, moreover, is not anchored to gender. Parenting is either good or deficit, not male or female…"
The women had, on the most part, thought long and hard about becoming mothers. Many were single-by-choice, some used in vitro fertilization and some adopted. These mothers knew they were on the cutting edge of society and were especially proud and concerned about doing a good job. Its no wonder Drexler found that these boys were exceptional in some areas. She describes the moms as having "the wherewithal to develop a parenting style that was both intense and considered."
The mothers Drexler studied were not average single and lesbian mothers. These mothers had advantages that many single mothers don't have. They were "older... better educated and more financially secure than average moms." These families "turned out to be an extremely stable group." This book gives some good ideas for situations that might come up for the reader, but I’d be concerned if all women assumed they would have it this easy.
Drexler admits, "As a specialist in the study of gender, I am extremely sensitive to the bad rap against mothers." It disturbs me that Drexler writes, "…fathers seem to carry much less responsibility for the problems their sons may have." In reality, there are fathers worldwide fighting to be more involved in their sons' and daughters' lives.
For instance, when it comes to child custody in America, women are given sole custody in 84% of the cases. Fathers who want equal custody, equal time, and equal responsibility are usually only given 14% of their children's time and are degraded to "visitor."
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Terry
Your review posted at SYG.. I saw it at Free Republic... I'd just gotten done crosslinking your Feminist4Fathers site on a blog I started. You keep up with a lot of F4J stuff.
2 - Andrew Ryan
Thank You Teri for your observations on this propaganda against the Male of the species.
The sad thing about such a book means that the boy's these women raise to be men will feel like they will have nothing to aspire to. They will know that they are not needed to be a husband, know they are not required to be a Father, and generally -not wanted after a certain age.
Just recently I read where a lesbian couple are going to give their adopted son of 2 years old a sex change!! Why, because they wanted a girl and hate men - boys.
What sort of world are these people leaving to our children? Men that don't feel wanted, needed and appreciated are just the type of men they fear most in the world - the angry and bitter ones.
This experiment has failed - time to stop the rot.
3 - Victor Lana
Teri,
Raising children is difficult (and I speak as a parent). To do it by oneself (no matter what the gender) is just twice as hard. Two parents (whatever their gender) are really important in the home. Sons gravitate toward their mothers for some things, their fathers for others. It is the same for daughters.
I don't know what having same gender parents is like, but I can imagine that both parents in that dynamic take on maternal/paternal roles to fit the moments as necessary.
I know that it was essential for me to be able to go into my father's workshop and learn how to cut wood, use tools, and repair leaky pipes or change spark plugs. On the other hand, I learned how to cook watching my mother (and grandmother). These things have served me well in adulthood.
Mine is a traditional upbringing and I am continuing in that mode as a parent; however, the key is the support parents give each other, and thus the children. Without the team effort, parenting must be one tough road.
4 - Mona Lena
I remember when my 21/2 year old daughter was holding a tea party with her Dad, my Ex husband.
She built her own little table; she used a table cloth out of an old pillow case and found all doll necessities from her toy box she could find. (The only thing what was missing was an English hat and white little gloves!)
Her Daddy just got back from fishing, little did he know that she arranged this exiting adventure with just her Daddy him not knowing. He walked into the living room all surprised, changing his voice to be that of a 5 year old.
They both had tea (coke) and cookies sitting on the floor smiling at each other, yet they did not know that I made a picture while our 6 month old son was watching this as well, them not knowing.
All children need their Dad’s. A boy needs Dad to watch and experience the softer side of the male gender. A girl needs to be with Daddy for the same reasons, thank you Teri for pointing out our son’s desires for fathers,
and as well our father’s needs for their son’s as well daughter's.
A boy/son has got to be able to watch his Dad how to treat a woman and people in general in his adult life/future!! A Daddy does not only practice such by treating Mom/Grandma/sister and neighbors with Love and respect in the presence of the child but as well share sensible play time like sharing toys of the children and using then cleaning Dad’s tools in the garage. Daddy communicates while playing, yet he communicates not only play time and respect to another play mate, he teaches the child how a man is to become a great Dad as well! Just like his own Dad did before him or maybe it was Grandpa who taught his son how he should teach his own son while washing the truck yet ending up in a water fight but finishing the job at the end as well.
It is a given right at birth for each son to have a father in his life. Yet for same sex relationships and their children it is yet for these parents to find their way to defend and speak out for themselves, not others to speak for them as if they are no less capable as any woman who seeks her children to be in her life yet has no access due to known facts in the childless world of any father.
It is an equal right for all party's involved.
Mona Lena
5 - Robert Brown
Great review Teri!, I will have to read more of your writing. There is much on your blog to read!
6 - Kevin
Teri, thank you for your commentary. What the author also misses is the tremendous effect of modeling. If a woman chooses to parent a child alone or as a lesbian. They cannot model for a boy what it is to be a man. They aren't men and have no experience at being men. It would seem the boy doesn't completely belong.
This type of action just because you want a child does not look out for the best interest of the child. Two men or two women cannot bring the same things to a childs life that a man and a woman bring. It is selfishness on the part of the "parent or parents".
Men can and do have softer sides, but its not woman soft, there are also times when male aggression is a needed commodity, who better to teach the proper application that the one that actually knows what it is and when to use it.
7 - Luke
in reponse to comment:2
Andrew, is that for real, do you have a link, what kind of sadistic bitch would have her adopted sons genitals removed? That's seriously fucked up.
8 - Victor Lana
Luke, Andrew may have read some piece somewhere about that, but it seems highly improbable. Besides, I believe adoption laws and court appointed visitation would never allow such a thing.
If it is true, it's as dastardly a thing as a heterosexual male raping his adopted (or biological) kid.
9 - DcFather
First of all, there is no such thing as "lesbian parents". Just because some sleazy judge put some politically correct nonsense on a piece of paper does not change reality, including biology. Its just one more form of abuse child(ren) must eventually struggle to overcome.
Second, this book is clearly an attempt to devalue fatherhood regardless of the damage to children. Of late, feminazi propaganda like this has abandoned even the slightest show of concern for children. Notice how the title alone refers to "men" instead of fathers. This is an an attempt to not only devalue the importance of fathers to children, but to cast aside the even the much less valuable "father figure", i.e. the guy mom wants to sleep with this month.
Third, this book is an attempt to make a generation of extremely selfish women feel good about abusing children, and to make a buck in the process.
10 - Choice Mom
I appreciate your review. I finally got my amazon order of Drexler's book myself, as I've been curious if she makes the claims I've read from others that she does. I haven't had a chance to read it yet.
Terry: I'd be interested in having you take a look at my book for possible review. Check out the 'excerpts' under ABOUT THE BOOK and 'Q&A' under ABOUT THE AUTHOR to get a sense of what I'm saying about fathers for women who are considering having a child on their own.
11 - Choice Mom
The website I'm referring to, since my post didn't list it, is www.choosingsinglemotherhood.com
12 - Bruce Joyner
I was raised by a single mother until i
was 10...My mother was a strong straight
female who knew her mind...She was too busy trying to feed us ..to show any bad feelings towards my real father..who was not much of a father...As a child i watched her work hard and I learned the values she had...She later married again and my stepfather only made me determined not to be like him...I did adore my grandfather who was a great role model too...Today i am a straight male..but a bit out of place around other males..I treat women how i think my mom would have liked to be treated..and most males do not...so i do not relate to their attitudes of dominance over women.However i have recently met others like myself...that are females...life is good.This idea of whatever gender writes a book.. must degrade the other sex to support their position is a bad joke..
13 - One Man
Children benefit from both parent's involvement even if the parent's are separated. Both. We hear single moms complain all the time about dead beat dads. It is a shame to push away the ones that want to be there for thier kids even after divorce; a waste of a good father.
14 - Teri
Thank you all for your thoughtful comments!
15 - Jeremy
To all of you putting forth the lesbian mom giving her son a sex change thing. That was proven to be an urban legend started by the Weekly World News (known for such things as Bigfoot mating with aliens and the like). Here's a Snopes link.
16 - D
Hello Teri,
Interesting site you have here.
You seem an intelligent woman & I'm a bit disappointed in your criticisms against women raising boys or children alone. It's my experience that many women don't do this (parenting alone) because they just want to, but given the options of men today and encouragement they receive NOT to commit to their wives or families for the entirety of their lives, what exactly are these women to do when abandoned, abused or in an adulterous/fornicatous relationship?! Mens' irresponsibility, and mental and physical abuses and just plain sinful acts take quite a toll on the weaker sex.
What are they to do when the 'perfect-all-righteous, never wrong man' takes the role of 'father' and doesn't own up to it?! Abandon their children like the men have? Surely you don't advocate abortion?! What are the women to do to MAKE a man a responsible father?! What happened to their responsibility! Men devalue and debase themselves when they do not live up to their part in contributing to the requirments for a successful family life: both physical and spiritual contributions are needed. One cannot just work and throw money at a house, car and a wife to raise one's children for you while you take credit for a wonderful family life. It's not sufficient. Successful fathering requires his presence - for his entire life! The best way you can be a great father is to genuinely love your wife, or at the very least respect publicly and in the presence of the children, the woman who risked life to bear his offspring! Big 'ups' to the women who are (as usual) taking up the slack for men and getting no credit for it. When I think about all that they do and sacrifice for their families, it angers me to no end to read of your comments and that of your readers who would dismiss them and criticize and berate them. Single mothers are not whoring around and do not think a father is not important, but people like you and your readers make life very easy for a man to justify leaving, abusing, or failing a woman or his family for the slightest displeasure or flaw in them. It's very easy to pull an "Adam" and blameshift his failure on the woman. No one's making the man NOT be around...but look who stays and at least tries to raise the children they put on the planet and who doesn't. You seem to support the man no matter what. Surely criticism IS in order. You and your readers are only encouraging this slackness and failure by not dishing out to men the hefty complaints you have against women. I don't see any praise reports from them. Even you are defending men who more than likely wouldn't do so for you in the same situation. Where are the "machismos-for-motherhood" sites?! Men are failing their families in and outside of their homes by their own choices and criticism and accountability is in order. simply put. Securing a full-time man these days is not easy. it's much easier for the man to woo, court, mislead, get involved with a woman, stay for his 'prime', leave and move on to another woman and leave a family neglected (with full societal support and protection)! You know these men...you play basketball with them, hunt with them, recommend stock to them, fix dinners, and introduce other women to them! You're responsible too for this 2-parent family ideal failure you uphold!
It's much easier for men than it is for a woman to just go out and get another mate/parent for herself and an abandoned family. Women are still less educated and receive lower wages than men, so for them to stay (when men leave or stay in abusive relationships) and raise their children in these conditions is worthy of great praise to me. I'll leave the slack-daddy adorations to you! Big 'ups' to the single moms and the responsible fathers who stick around! Some of you forget that your Jesus (who was a man of color) was conceived by a teenaged single mother and an Unmarried male GOD! I'm sure you don't seem to mind 'washing away your sins' in his blood! With all of the kids who are abandoned and abused by their fathers, who are you to judge these women for sticking around and getting it done the best way they can! If you're not going to encourage or help, at least shut up and show respect anyway!
Signed: DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!
17 - Teri In Cali
Hello D,
If you will take a look at recent studies you will find that husbands and wives are both guilty of cheating pretty much equally. Wives are also just as guilty of domestic abuse when you factor in child abuse. So for you to act like we're all angels is just plain silly.
Most divorces are initiated by the wives, and the most common reason is boredom, lack of common interests, not abuse or because the guy is an idiot, as you might want readers to believe. As a matter of fact, in child custody cases, only 5% are high conflict.
I advocate for the children. I have never said being a single mother is a thing to be guilty of. I'm a single mother! I've raised 4 children, 3 of whom have been abandoned by their dads. I've seen how it hurt and harmed them to not have their father's influence.
My son told me at the age of 14 the reason he had been in a street gang for 2 years was, "because I don't have my dad in my life and I needed to learn how to be a man." So...don't try to tell me I don't understand this issue.
Teri
18 - TerriLynn
Every now and then I have to call BS on sites like this. This is one of those times. Let's start at the top of this heaping pile smoldering manure.
Politicians too often write the laws to pander to what ever the largest voter block is. That happens to be women. To call any of what is written into law some sort of "male domination" practice is absolute horse crap. Do you really think any clear thinking person believes that the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) was designed to further male domination?
The biggest problem radical feminists have these days is they assume everyone, but them, are imbeciles. The post above by dbro is just one of many examples of this.
Lets cover child support; how is child support, in any way, men trying to control women? I can't for the life of me figure how anyone would think there is anyone stupid enough to believe a law that forces men to starve, while their ex-wife or girlfriend gets all their money, is some sort of male domination scheme. But for reasons that defy any sense of logic we keep seeing manure like this spread all over message boards.
Child support was born of the Social Security Reform Act of 1972, your local Domestic Relations office is required by law to have this information available (most have nice little pamphlets explaining it). For those old enough to remember (and the rest who may be intelligent enough to study the facts on an issue), that was the last time Social Security almost went broke. Mostly due to the Social Security trust being opened up as a general slush fund to cover the costs of "The Great Society." Instead of closing the trust and canceling the biggest waste of tax dollars in history, the morons in Congress decided to do a study of "all other spending" instead. What do you think was the largest cost center besides pay outs to retirees? The Aid to Dependant Children program. So child support was made law to pay back that fund. In a nut shell, it was intended to subsidize single mothers with the hope of keeping them off the welfare roles and pay back the welfare fund when they did end up dependant on the welfare system. That is a historical fact.
The fathers of those children were legislated out of the house, as it was a requirement for the mothers to qualify for welfare not to be living with them. Those men didn't leave because they were more interested in bopping their secretary than being a parent, the law forced them out.
That fact is so well known it was often the subject matter of sitcoms of the day (re: Good Times as one example). What we have today is the results of the evolution of the single greatest disaster social democracy ever created - fatherless children. But you say, "No one's making the man NOT be around ..." - you forgot one thing that is, the law.
"What are the women to do to MAKE a man a responsible father?!" - That one is easy, stop lying in court and stay off welfare. The rest of us taxpayers are tired of single mothers trying prove women are the "incompetent gender" - we aren't.
Add to that the concurrent fight for "women's rights" which created the most vindictive and myopic voter block in the history of mankind. To this day laws that are grossly gender biased fly through our Congress with out any regard to what the real facts are. VAWA gets passed, with not one cent to support male victims of domestic violence even though the over whelming evidence indicates that domestic violence is committed almost equally by the genders. Child custody is predominately awarded to the mother even though the facts clearly show that a child is most likely to be abused by their biological mother or her boyfriend (or both together) more than any other two groups.
"Single mothers are not whoring around and do not think a father is not important" most fathers that have no access to their children are in that state due to a court order that resulted from the mother's filings, not by his choice.
There are no "machismos-for-motherhood" sites because women have no problem getting custody of their children. Today the laws permit hearsay to entered as evidence, there is no due process or equal protection under the law when custody, domestic violence, child support or child abuse is the issue. Why, because that's what the law says.
"Women are still less educated and receive lower wages than men." I defy you to come up with a study done by any non-partisan group of scientists to support that. The fact is, females are out numbering males in colleges not the reverse.
This next comment I'll address is by far the most laughable comment you have made yet; "It's much easier for men than it is for a woman to just go out and get another mate/parent for herself and an abandoned family." What a colossal load of BS. I'm a women, I guarantee you if a woman walks out her front door right now and pull her pants down she is more likely to get offers of companionship than anything else. If her husband did the exact same thing, he'd be arrested. There are no ifs ands or buts about it - women control the sex and can act as lewdly as they want any time they want and the only people at risk are men that agree with them. We decide when it happens and with who (I do mean sex by the way - not rape, which has nothing to do with sex). The fact is, women can walk out scott free. When they do, by the way, they are more likely not to pay child support (even if court ordered) than men are: 36% of women that owe child support have paid nothing toward that obligation since ordered, of men that owe child support 18% have paid nothing at all toward their obligation since order (source: US Census Bureau).
"Some of you forget that your Jesus (who was a man of color)" more unfounded commentary. You seem great at posting things that have no basis in fact.
If you can't post something fact based, try being a wee-bit less insulting. For you act like there is no gender bias against men in society and its laws is just plain idiotic.
Seriously though, you are just a troll right, no one in their right mind would believe a word of your post. If you really do, please wear a sign the says "LUNACHIC" so innocent bystanders can run away.
Signed: GET YOR MEDS CHECKED!
19 - diana hartman
i haven't read the book but would be interested in knowing what kind of family/extended family the parents have in their children's lives...as a single father, my brother raised his two sons and one daughter alone...his sisters (including me), his mother, his grandmother, our aunts -- all these women have made major contribtions to his daughter's life to include sex talks, dating stuff, etc...
she didn't suffer as much as one think she might have without a mother because of the relationships with other woman my brother fostered and made available to his daughter...
we all were examples of womanhood for to follow, and she did...
just as importantly i must note something that has been overlooked at least in this discussion (again, i haven't read the book) is that she chose good men to date, good men to hang out with, good men to befriend, and a good many to marry...
additionally, my nephews have grown up to be good men because of the example my brother set with not only the way he treated women but also the way he treated his daughter...
my own experiences with single mothering followed by marriage to someone who is deployed 6 months out of the year has led me to believe that the ideal situation for raising children is love, caring, nurturing, all that -- regardless of who's doing what...
when so many times family and extended family have so much influence on a child that they know "mom" and "dad" as two people in a long list of people who love them and not by "they are the only two people who love me", then one less parent than the norm(?) isn't such a big deal...
it's only a big deal when a child is less loved...
20 - T A Dodger
Hey Teri,
Great review. You give the reader a good idea of what the book is about and how the author approaches the issues, while examining some things the author didn't address. From what I've seen on blogcritics, you are a persuasive advocate of child custody reform. You don't demonize single mothers or suggest they are incompetent. You don't attack women who seek divorces, and you don't minimize the impact of domestic violence against women. So often people who post on this subject seem to hold a grudge against women in general or (more often) one woman in particular, but you seem genuinely concerned for the welfare of children. I'll check out your web site for sure.
21 - Harry
I have not read the book either, but I saw a recent presentation by the author. Her admiration of motherhood and blended families is nothing short of worship.
Are there decent single mothers who raise decent children, absolutely? However, other than this book and ideological drivel, to my knowledge there is no evidence to even suggest single motherhood is the best way to raise children, all other evidence clearly shows that two loving biological parents raise the most well adjusted children.
Here's an example of the hundreds of good mothers I become closely familiar with:
Two days ago I got a referral from the military about a man who had just been released from the hospital after having his head laid open with a telephone by his wife. There was a disagreement about her not coming home for four days because she was out bonking another sailor, who she'd been doing for three months or so. Because of the woman's irresponsibility and infidelity the man, her husband, missed several days of work and lost his job, since he stayed with their three children during their agreed upon time that she would watch the kids. Of course, she was out partying and failed to make other arrangements dropping the responsibility on her husband with no warning. She was arrested, booked, arraigned for domestic violence assault and battery, and released on bail. She immediately filed for a restraining order,lied about the circumstances, and was granted the order. The man is now homeless, unable to see his children, without work, and the unfaithful violent wife has the house and kids, where now lives her boyfriend. From all accounts she has a history of child abuse, violence, and infidelity, but she gets the kids. I doubt very much that that is in their best interests. Bye the way, the abuser, the woman and mother, is the enlisted military member, not the abused man.
As a victim advocate I see this all the time. Anyone who knows anything about abuse knows that women commit over 75% of child abuse and almost all infanticide, and those are mostly single mothers, or single mothers with boyfriends. The safest place for a women and children is in a home with the children's natural father, which research clearly shows.
And why should any of the millions of mothers who commit paternity fraud retain the right to raise any children, since their whole relationship is based on a lie. What sort of lesson is that to teach children.
Harry
22 - T A Dodger
even though the over whelming evidence indicates that domestic violence is committed almost equally by the genders.
I found this very difficult to believe, but people on these fathers' rights threads keep asserting it, so I started sniffing around the internet looking for data. I was surprised, because some sites cited research that said the rates of pertner abuse between men and women were about equal, others said that men were only the victims of about 10-15% of domestic violence.
That seemed like a big difference to me, but I think this site addresses the issue pretty well.
QUESTION: You're assuming women are the victims. Don't women hit?
ANSWER: Yes, indeed women use assaultive behaviors. Research on a national, random sample of households (Strauss, Steinmetz, Gelles, 1980) seems to show that women are as equally likely as men to hit. However, when you look at who gets "hurt" the story changes. Analysis of police reports in Santa Barbara, California indicated that in 90% (in instances where injuries were noted) the injuries were women only. In the remaining 10%, both parties had injuries. In all cases where both parties had injuries, the woman's injuries were more severe than the man's.
I hope people find this information helpful. :)
23 - T A Dodger
As for women being more abusive towards children, I'm pretty sure that has something to do with the fact that 84% of the time sole custody goes to the mother, and the fact that usually women are the primary care-givers for children when the parents are married. Women just spend more time around children than men, and that's reflected in the abuse stats.
24 - Teri
tadodger,
Yes, and that right there is proof of the imbalance. Fathers are begging for more time with their children. They want to take some of the burden off the moms. This would automatically reduce some of their stress. Child abuse would go down.
Teri
25 - T A Dodger
They want to take some of the burden off the moms. This would automatically reduce some of their stress. Child abuse would go down.
Hey, that sounds just fine to me. I think it's great when men want to be involved with their children and I am ALL FOR a more equal share of parenting between men and women, whether they're married or not.