Book Review: I Thought It Was Just Me by Brené Brown

"Shame on you!" These three words can be very damaging and they often need not be said to women who are prone to think, "Shame on me!" Does this surprise
you? Ring true to you? Whether you are aware of shame or have never given it much thought, Dr. Brené Brown's I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame can be an eye-opener. This thorough examination of shame is not only filled with examples but also presents a framework for recognizing and moving beyond shame.

What is shame and how does it differ from guilt? “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging." (p. 5) Shame results in paralysis and prevents clear thinking due to the flood of emotion.

Guilt, on the other hand, can be a motivator for change. The two get confused because "Guilt and shame are both emotions of self-evaluation; however, that is where the similarities end. The majority of shame researchers agree that the difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the difference between 'I am bad' (shame) and 'I did something bad' (guilt). Shame is about who we are and guilt is about behaviors."
(p. 13).

Shame is inextricably linked with fear: fear of being rejected by the group. Human beings are wired for connection and strive for it from birth when we require connection to survive. When people experience shame, it places a wedge between them and others, which can manifest in several ways such as withdrawal or lashing out. In other words, the disconnection of shame results in greater disconnection. It also promotes the use of shame against others, further reinforcing the cycle.

Through her research interviews with hundreds of women, Dr. Brown has developed a conceptual schema for shame. The first element is the "shame web," which identifies sources of shame starting with those closest to the person (family, friends, and oneself) and radiating out to society at large (magazine, TV, and advertising).

The second element is the "connection network," which consists of those people with whom we can share our experiences of shame and not be further shamed. The connection network promotes affirmation, belonging, and acceptance, which are crucial because the antidote to shame is empathy, compassion, and sharing.

Article Author: Nancy Fontaine

Nancy Fontaine is a librarian and freelance writer living in New Hampshire with her husband, two cats, and every four years during presidential primary season, the national press.

Visit Nancy Fontaine's author page — Nancy Fontaine's Blog