‘Funny?’ she interrogated.‘Hilarious!’ he expostulated. ‘Surely not?’ she doubted. ‘But how little you know!’ he exclaimed. ‘Says you!’ she objected. ‘That’s the last I am willing to say,’ he concluded.

And then later, another problem new writers run into is when the writer “punctuates hysterically.

Suddenly! she spotted Jack, and her heart melted – like a heart that had been frozen, but then was subjected to heat. ‘JACK! It’s ME! I am so glad to see you!’ she said, and ran to him, All her doubts were forgotten.

How Not to Write a Novel not only covers dialogue, but plot, character, and style are all present with their own corresponding faux ideal. There are also sections on setting, theme, research, pacing, and treatment of your villain character that your future readers will more than appreciate. At the end of the book there is a bonus chapter on how not to sell your novel with passages from cover letters that would likely hit the bottom of the wastebasket faster than you could say “William Morris Agency.”

So before you drop that envelope-pushing masterpiece off to publishers that are drooling over you next work and go spend that excessive option check on a pair of diamond-studded sneakers, do the readers and reviewers a solid and pick up How Not to Write a Novel. We’ll thank you later.

How Not to Write a Novel is published by HarperCollins and is now available for purchase. Howard Mittelmark also authored the novel Age of Consent. His work has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, and the Hollywood Reporter. Sandra Newman is the author of novels Cake, and The Only Good Thing Anyone Has Ever Done. Her writing also has appeared in Harper’s and Granta.

Article Author: James O'Neil

James O'Neil is a book reviewer and blogger. He has been a Blogcritics contributor since 2005.

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