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Book Review: The Secret Lives Of Men – What Men Want You To Know About Love, Sex, and Relationships by Christopher Blazina, Ph.D.

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I can’t begin to tell you how often I wonder what possesses the men in my life to think, say, feel, and act the way they do. When it comes to this perplexity, I know I’m not alone. Without a doubt, countless other women share my sentiments. So when I was given the opportunity to read The Secret Lives Of Men: What Men Want You To Know About Love, Sex, and Relationships, I jumped at the offer. Excitedly, I reveled in the possibility that finally the mysteries of the male mind would be disclosed to me (and to anyone else who is interested as well).

Contending that men want to be understood and have better connections with the important people in their lives, Christopher Blazina, Ph.D., the author, provides insight into why males behave the way they do and offers suggestions on how caring and concerned significant others can help their guys discover, unlock, and affirm their finest personas. Drawing on his extensive background and many years of expertise as a licensed psychologist, professor, author of the well-read academic text The Cultural Myth Of Masculinity, as well as being the writer of over 25 scholarly articles on the psychology of men and masculinity, Dr. Blazina supplies the acumen for this subject matter.

In the first chapter of Secret Lives the concept of The Ten Commandments Of Growing Up Male is introduced. This list of rules that Dr. Blazina believes most men abide by are, (1) There is only one way to be a man, (2) Fear the feminine, (3) Men must funnel all of their feelings into sex or aggression, (4) Affection is always associated with sex, (5) Boy society is based on power, strength, and paranoia, (6) A boy needs a male role model or his sense of being a man is flawed, (7) If your father is rejecting, you must learn to please him, (8) If you don’t please your mother, you must marry someone like her, (9) Being a man is a 24/7 job, and (10) A man must follow the commandments even if it causes him to be emotionally stunted or leads him off track.

An interesting blend of assumptions that many males are brought up to believe and live by, Dr. Blazina addresses each of these “commandments” thoroughly, explaining the negative implications they carry throughout life. Clarifying the material are wonderfully personal anecdotes, stories, and examples of how these are portrayed in the popular culture.

The section focusing on sex and aggression delivers a detailed account of the various types of sex men engage in and why. Dr. Blazina delves into the pros and cons of Man Valium Sex, Hallmark Card Sex, Lustful Sex, Exploratory Sex, Power and Submission Sex, Procreation Sex, Makeup Sex, Checked out Sex, The Drunken Shag and Casual Sex. After reading this material, there won’t be any doubts as to the motive behind the type of sex you’re engaging in or have participated in previously.

In addition, Secret Lives explores a number of other issues including the roles parents play in molding and shaping the men their boys will mature into, why some men really never grow up and what prevents them from doing so. Also introduced is the concept of the V Spot. This is not the male version of the G Spot. Instead it’s a male’s sense of vulnerability. A complete explanation of what caused it, how you can provoke it, and how it ultimately affects who guys are, how they feel and behave is included.

Lastly, Dr. Blazina acquaints the readers to the concept of a “guardian.” This is a person (male or female) who takes on the role of helping boys and men thrive by honoring, respecting, nurturing, and supporting their path to becoming their true authentic selves.

The Secret Lives Of Men is overflowing with a wealth of thought-provoking information. It provides an interesting approach to understanding the male psyche, how to unlock the barriers to communication and create stronger, healthier relationships. If you are a female who wants a better understanding of the men in your life or if you are a male who craves awareness as to why you feel, think, and behave the way you do and you’re looking for better methods of communicating, reacting, and acting, this is a good read for you.

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  • Scott

    I was interested in reading “The Secret Lives Of Men – What Men Want You To Know About Love, Sex, and Relationships” to find out a male’s opinion of mens’ personalities and sexual motivation. I happened to find the book review written by Debbie Friend and i am glad i read it.

    Debbie provided a succint summary which was very well-written and more important was interesting to read. She has a very converstional writing style which I found appealing.

    The only problem is now that I read her review I am afraid to read the book. I thought i was a normal, well-rounded adult male driven by normal sexual desires. If I read the book I may find out just how screwed up I really am! Great job, Debbie, next time pick a topic less intiminating to guys like me. Are there any books abbout lounge chairs and big screen t.V.s???

  • Debbie Friend

    Definitely don’t be afraid to read the book. Most likely, it will just confirm how normal and well-rounded you are. All males aren’t screwed up. Unfortunately, way too many are. The Secret Lives of Men helps women figure out what makes the guys in their lives tick while also offering a means for men to figure out how to get over the barriers that keep them from having fuller, richer lives and enjoying better relationships with their significant others.

    As far as books about lounge chairs and big screen T.V’s, I’m sure they are out there, I haven’t had the pleasure of reading any of them yet!