Today on Blogcritics
Home » Books » Book Reviews » Book Review: Raising Boys Without Men by Peggy Drexler

Book Review: Raising Boys Without Men by Peggy Drexler

Please Share...Tweet about this on Twitter0Share on Facebook0Share on Google+0Share on LinkedIn0Pin on Pinterest0Share on TumblrShare on StumbleUpon0Share on Reddit0Email this to someone

Raising boys without men: Benefit to society or slap in the face to fathers?

If you’re a single or lesbian mom who is raising a boy without his father and you want assurance that you can raise him to be a decent man, Raising Boys Without Men is the book for you. Peggy Drexler takes us on a feel-good journey through the lives of several boys being raised by single moms and lesbian couples.

What she found was these boys were essentially the same as the boys being raised in heterosexual families. She states, “I came to see that good, loving, growth-encouraging parenting is what sons need. Parenting, moreover, is not anchored to gender. Parenting is either good or deficit, not male or female…”

The women had, on the most part, thought long and hard about becoming mothers. Many were single-by-choice, some used in vitro fertilization and some adopted. These mothers knew they were on the cutting edge of society and were especially proud and concerned about doing a good job. Its no wonder Drexler found that these boys were exceptional in some areas. She describes the moms as having “the wherewithal to develop a parenting style that was both intense and considered.”

The mothers Drexler studied were not average single and lesbian mothers. These mothers had advantages that many single mothers don’t have. They were “older… better educated and more financially secure than average moms.” These families “turned out to be an extremely stable group.” This book gives some good ideas for situations that might come up for the reader, but I’d be concerned if all women assumed they would have it this easy.

Drexler admits, “As a specialist in the study of gender, I am extremely sensitive to the bad rap against mothers.” It disturbs me that Drexler writes, “…fathers seem to carry much less responsibility for the problems their sons may have.” In reality, there are fathers worldwide fighting to be more involved in their sons’ and daughters’ lives.

For instance, when it comes to child custody in America, women are given sole custody in 84% of the cases. Fathers who want equal custody, equal time, and equal responsibility are usually only given 14% of their children’s time and are degraded to “visitor.”

Studies show many divorcing and single mothers see no value in a continued relationship between their children and their father. Drexler touches on this conceit when she says, “There’s really no research to back up this notion of maternal omnipotence, but it sticks to us like glue.”

Even though Drexler states that gender doesn’t determine the quality of a person’s parenting she paints fathers in a negative light throughout this book. She makes statements like, “Cultural myth teaches us that to become a man, a boy must toughen up, turn away from his mother, and identify with his more aggressive father. This notion not only separates boys from their mothers; it can also propel them toward destructive men and destructive tendencies.”

Drexler states, “In our society, often we idealize and elevate the role of father in a boy’s life without giving credence to the fact that actual fathers can be destructive and a boy may be better off without his father.” This is a common problem for today’s men. From insulting advertising campaigns to the Violence Against Women Act that provides no services for battered men, fathers are put down and devalued.

Erin Pizzey, founder of the first battered women’s shelter wrote in her 2005 commentary Domestic Violence Is Not A Gender, “The feminisation of the family and Western society has caused men to become outcasts and a source of ridicule in their children’s eyes.” I believe Drexler’s book is one example as she suggests, “Could it be that today’s single and two-mother families are creating a new norm? … The boys… may even make better men.”

I believe with the right attention and efforts a responsible single mother or lesbian couple can raise a boy to be a decent man. I know because as a single mother I did it. Do I think it’s the ideal? I do not. It would be nice to see Drexler do a book on fathers raising daughters without their mothers. I know many men she could interview.

Teri Stoddard
Feminist4Fathers
Edited: PC

Powered by

About Teri in Cali, Feminist4Fathers, Queen of Equality

  • http://www.geocities.com/hotcrossbuns_40502/LeftTurned2Right.html Terry

    Your review posted at SYG.. I saw it at Free Republic… I’d just gotten done crosslinking your Feminist4Fathers site on a blog I started. You keep up with a lot of F4J stuff.

  • http://spaces.msn.com/members/avryan/ Andrew Ryan

    Thank You Teri for your observations on this propaganda against the Male of the species.

    The sad thing about such a book means that the boy’s these women raise to be men will feel like they will have nothing to aspire to. They will know that they are not needed to be a husband, know they are not required to be a Father, and generally -not wanted after a certain age.

    Just recently I read where a lesbian couple are going to give their adopted son of 2 years old a sex change!! Why, because they wanted a girl and hate men – boys.

    What sort of world are these people leaving to our children? Men that don’t feel wanted, needed and appreciated are just the type of men they fear most in the world – the angry and bitter ones.

    This experiment has failed – time to stop the rot.

  • http://journals.aol.com/vicl04/THESAVAGEQUIETSEPTEMBERSUN/ Victor Lana

    Teri,

    Raising children is difficult (and I speak as a parent). To do it by oneself (no matter what the gender) is just twice as hard. Two parents (whatever their gender) are really important in the home. Sons gravitate toward their mothers for some things, their fathers for others. It is the same for daughters.

    I don’t know what having same gender parents is like, but I can imagine that both parents in that dynamic take on maternal/paternal roles to fit the moments as necessary.

    I know that it was essential for me to be able to go into my father’s workshop and learn how to cut wood, use tools, and repair leaky pipes or change spark plugs. On the other hand, I learned how to cook watching my mother (and grandmother). These things have served me well in adulthood.

    Mine is a traditional upbringing and I am continuing in that mode as a parent; however, the key is the support parents give each other, and thus the children. Without the team effort, parenting must be one tough road.

  • http://amnesty-4-families.com/ Mona Lena

    I remember when my 21/2 year old daughter was holding a tea party with her Dad, my Ex husband.
    She built her own little table; she used a table cloth out of an old pillow case and found all doll necessities from her toy box she could find. (The only thing what was missing was an English hat and white little gloves!)
    Her Daddy just got back from fishing, little did he know that she arranged this exiting adventure with just her Daddy him not knowing. He walked into the living room all surprised, changing his voice to be that of a 5 year old.
    They both had tea (coke) and cookies sitting on the floor smiling at each other, yet they did not know that I made a picture while our 6 month old son was watching this as well, them not knowing.

    All children need their Dad’s. A boy needs Dad to watch and experience the softer side of the male gender. A girl needs to be with Daddy for the same reasons, thank you Teri for pointing out our son’s desires for fathers,
    and as well our father’s needs for their son’s as well daughter’s.
    A boy/son has got to be able to watch his Dad how to treat a woman and people in general in his adult life/future!! A Daddy does not only practice such by treating Mom/Grandma/sister and neighbors with Love and respect in the presence of the child but as well share sensible play time like sharing toys of the children and using then cleaning Dad’s tools in the garage. Daddy communicates while playing, yet he communicates not only play time and respect to another play mate, he teaches the child how a man is to become a great Dad as well! Just like his own Dad did before him or maybe it was Grandpa who taught his son how he should teach his own son while washing the truck yet ending up in a water fight but finishing the job at the end as well.

    It is a given right at birth for each son to have a father in his life. Yet for same sex relationships and their children it is yet for these parents to find their way to defend and speak out for themselves, not others to speak for them as if they are no less capable as any woman who seeks her children to be in her life yet has no access due to known facts in the childless world of any father.
    It is an equal right for all party’s involved.
    Mona Lena

  • Robert Brown

    Great review Teri!, I will have to read more of your writing. There is much on your blog to read!

  • Kevin

    Teri, thank you for your commentary. What the author also misses is the tremendous effect of modeling. If a woman chooses to parent a child alone or as a lesbian. They cannot model for a boy what it is to be a man. They aren’t men and have no experience at being men. It would seem the boy doesn’t completely belong.
    This type of action just because you want a child does not look out for the best interest of the child. Two men or two women cannot bring the same things to a childs life that a man and a woman bring. It is selfishness on the part of the “parent or parents”.
    Men can and do have softer sides, but its not woman soft, there are also times when male aggression is a needed commodity, who better to teach the proper application that the one that actually knows what it is and when to use it.

  • Luke

    in reponse to comment:2

    Andrew, is that for real, do you have a link, what kind of sadistic bitch would have her adopted sons genitals removed? That’s seriously fucked up.

  • http://journals.aol.com/vicl04/THESAVAGEQUIETSEPTEMBERSUN/ Victor Lana

    Luke, Andrew may have read some piece somewhere about that, but it seems highly improbable. Besides, I believe adoption laws and court appointed visitation would never allow such a thing.

    If it is true, it’s as dastardly a thing as a heterosexual male raping his adopted (or biological) kid.

  • DcFather

    First of all, there is no such thing as “lesbian parents”. Just because some sleazy judge put some politically correct nonsense on a piece of paper does not change reality, including biology. Its just one more form of abuse child(ren) must eventually struggle to overcome.

    Second, this book is clearly an attempt to devalue fatherhood regardless of the damage to children. Of late, feminazi propaganda like this has abandoned even the slightest show of concern for children. Notice how the title alone refers to “men” instead of fathers. This is an an attempt to not only devalue the importance of fathers to children, but to cast aside the even the much less valuable “father figure”, i.e. the guy mom wants to sleep with this month.

    Third, this book is an attempt to make a generation of extremely selfish women feel good about abusing children, and to make a buck in the process.

  • http://www.choosingsinglemotherhood.com Choice Mom

    I appreciate your review. I finally got my amazon order of Drexler’s book myself, as I’ve been curious if she makes the claims I’ve read from others that she does. I haven’t had a chance to read it yet.

    Terry: I’d be interested in having you take a look at my book for possible review. Check out the ‘excerpts’ under ABOUT THE BOOK and ‘Q&A’ under ABOUT THE AUTHOR to get a sense of what I’m saying about fathers for women who are considering having a child on their own.

  • Choice Mom

    The website I’m referring to, since my post didn’t list it, is http://www.choosingsinglemotherhood.com

  • http://thereconstruction.com Bruce Joyner

    I was raised by a single mother until i
    was 10…My mother was a strong straight
    female who knew her mind…She was too busy trying to feed us ..to show any bad feelings towards my real father..who was not much of a father…As a child i watched her work hard and I learned the values she had…She later married again and my stepfather only made me determined not to be like him…I did adore my grandfather who was a great role model too…Today i am a straight male..but a bit out of place around other males..I treat women how i think my mom would have liked to be treated..and most males do not…so i do not relate to their attitudes of dominance over women.However i have recently met others like myself…that are females…life is good.This idea of whatever gender writes a book.. must degrade the other sex to support their position is a bad joke..

  • http://hatemalepost.blogspot.com One Man

    Children benefit from both parent’s involvement even if the parent’s are separated. Both. We hear single moms complain all the time about dead beat dads. It is a shame to push away the ones that want to be there for thier kids even after divorce; a waste of a good father.

  • http://feminist4fathers.blogspot.com/ Teri

    Thank you all for your thoughtful comments!

  • Jeremy

    To all of you putting forth the lesbian mom giving her son a sex change thing. That was proven to be an urban legend started by the Weekly World News (known for such things as Bigfoot mating with aliens and the like). Here’s a Snopes link.

  • D

    Hello Teri,

    Interesting site you have here.
    You seem an intelligent woman & I’m a bit disappointed in your criticisms against women raising boys or children alone. It’s my experience that many women don’t do this (parenting alone) because they just want to, but given the options of men today and encouragement they receive NOT to commit to their wives or families for the entirety of their lives, what exactly are these women to do when abandoned, abused or in an adulterous/fornicatous relationship?! Mens’ irresponsibility, and mental and physical abuses and just plain sinful acts take quite a toll on the weaker sex.
    What are they to do when the ‘perfect-all-righteous, never wrong man’ takes the role of ‘father’ and doesn’t own up to it?! Abandon their children like the men have? Surely you don’t advocate abortion?! What are the women to do to MAKE a man a responsible father?! What happened to their responsibility! Men devalue and debase themselves when they do not live up to their part in contributing to the requirments for a successful family life: both physical and spiritual contributions are needed. One cannot just work and throw money at a house, car and a wife to raise one’s children for you while you take credit for a wonderful family life. It’s not sufficient. Successful fathering requires his presence – for his entire life! The best way you can be a great father is to genuinely love your wife, or at the very least respect publicly and in the presence of the children, the woman who risked life to bear his offspring! Big ‘ups’ to the women who are (as usual) taking up the slack for men and getting no credit for it. When I think about all that they do and sacrifice for their families, it angers me to no end to read of your comments and that of your readers who would dismiss them and criticize and berate them. Single mothers are not whoring around and do not think a father is not important, but people like you and your readers make life very easy for a man to justify leaving, abusing, or failing a woman or his family for the slightest displeasure or flaw in them. It’s very easy to pull an “Adam” and blameshift his failure on the woman. No one’s making the man NOT be around…but look who stays and at least tries to raise the children they put on the planet and who doesn’t. You seem to support the man no matter what. Surely criticism IS in order. You and your readers are only encouraging this slackness and failure by not dishing out to men the hefty complaints you have against women. I don’t see any praise reports from them. Even you are defending men who more than likely wouldn’t do so for you in the same situation. Where are the “machismos-for-motherhood” sites?! Men are failing their families in and outside of their homes by their own choices and criticism and accountability is in order. simply put. Securing a full-time man these days is not easy. it’s much easier for the man to woo, court, mislead, get involved with a woman, stay for his ‘prime’, leave and move on to another woman and leave a family neglected (with full societal support and protection)! You know these men…you play basketball with them, hunt with them, recommend stock to them, fix dinners, and introduce other women to them! You’re responsible too for this 2-parent family ideal failure you uphold!
    It’s much easier for men than it is for a woman to just go out and get another mate/parent for herself and an abandoned family. Women are still less educated and receive lower wages than men, so for them to stay (when men leave or stay in abusive relationships) and raise their children in these conditions is worthy of great praise to me. I’ll leave the slack-daddy adorations to you! Big ‘ups’ to the single moms and the responsible fathers who stick around! Some of you forget that your Jesus (who was a man of color) was conceived by a teenaged single mother and an Unmarried male GOD! I’m sure you don’t seem to mind ‘washing away your sins’ in his blood! With all of the kids who are abandoned and abused by their fathers, who are you to judge these women for sticking around and getting it done the best way they can! If you’re not going to encourage or help, at least shut up and show respect anyway!

    Signed: DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!

  • http://feminist4fathers.blogspot.com/ Teri In Cali

    Hello D,

    If you will take a look at recent studies you will find that husbands and wives are both guilty of cheating pretty much equally. Wives are also just as guilty of domestic abuse when you factor in child abuse. So for you to act like we’re all angels is just plain silly.

    Most divorces are initiated by the wives, and the most common reason is boredom, lack of common interests, not abuse or because the guy is an idiot, as you might want readers to believe. As a matter of fact, in child custody cases, only 5% are high conflict.

    I advocate for the children. I have never said being a single mother is a thing to be guilty of. I’m a single mother! I’ve raised 4 children, 3 of whom have been abandoned by their dads. I’ve seen how it hurt and harmed them to not have their father’s influence.

    My son told me at the age of 14 the reason he had been in a street gang for 2 years was, “because I don’t have my dad in my life and I needed to learn how to be a man.” So…don’t try to tell me I don’t understand this issue.

    Teri

  • http://ncsc.childrensjustice.org TerriLynn

    Every now and then I have to call BS on sites like this. This is one of those times. Let’s start at the top of this heaping pile smoldering manure.

    Politicians too often write the laws to pander to what ever the largest voter block is. That happens to be women. To call any of what is written into law some sort of “male domination” practice is absolute horse crap. Do you really think any clear thinking person believes that the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) was designed to further male domination?

    The biggest problem radical feminists have these days is they assume everyone, but them, are imbeciles. The post above by dbro is just one of many examples of this.

    Lets cover child support; how is child support, in any way, men trying to control women? I can’t for the life of me figure how anyone would think there is anyone stupid enough to believe a law that forces men to starve, while their ex-wife or girlfriend gets all their money, is some sort of male domination scheme. But for reasons that defy any sense of logic we keep seeing manure like this spread all over message boards.

    Child support was born of the Social Security Reform Act of 1972, your local Domestic Relations office is required by law to have this information available (most have nice little pamphlets explaining it). For those old enough to remember (and the rest who may be intelligent enough to study the facts on an issue), that was the last time Social Security almost went broke. Mostly due to the Social Security trust being opened up as a general slush fund to cover the costs of “The Great Society.” Instead of closing the trust and canceling the biggest waste of tax dollars in history, the morons in Congress decided to do a study of “all other spending” instead. What do you think was the largest cost center besides pay outs to retirees? The Aid to Dependant Children program. So child support was made law to pay back that fund. In a nut shell, it was intended to subsidize single mothers with the hope of keeping them off the welfare roles and pay back the welfare fund when they did end up dependant on the welfare system. That is a historical fact.

    The fathers of those children were legislated out of the house, as it was a requirement for the mothers to qualify for welfare not to be living with them. Those men didn’t leave because they were more interested in bopping their secretary than being a parent, the law forced them out.

    That fact is so well known it was often the subject matter of sitcoms of the day (re: Good Times as one example). What we have today is the results of the evolution of the single greatest disaster social democracy ever created – fatherless children. But you say, “No one’s making the man NOT be around …” – you forgot one thing that is, the law.

    “What are the women to do to MAKE a man a responsible father?!” – That one is easy, stop lying in court and stay off welfare. The rest of us taxpayers are tired of single mothers trying prove women are the “incompetent gender” – we aren’t.

    Add to that the concurrent fight for “women’s rights” which created the most vindictive and myopic voter block in the history of mankind. To this day laws that are grossly gender biased fly through our Congress with out any regard to what the real facts are. VAWA gets passed, with not one cent to support male victims of domestic violence even though the over whelming evidence indicates that domestic violence is committed almost equally by the genders. Child custody is predominately awarded to the mother even though the facts clearly show that a child is most likely to be abused by their biological mother or her boyfriend (or both together) more than any other two groups.

    “Single mothers are not whoring around and do not think a father is not important” most fathers that have no access to their children are in that state due to a court order that resulted from the mother’s filings, not by his choice.

    There are no “machismos-for-motherhood” sites because women have no problem getting custody of their children. Today the laws permit hearsay to entered as evidence, there is no due process or equal protection under the law when custody, domestic violence, child support or child abuse is the issue. Why, because that’s what the law says.

    “Women are still less educated and receive lower wages than men.” I defy you to come up with a study done by any non-partisan group of scientists to support that. The fact is, females are out numbering males in colleges not the reverse.

    This next comment I’ll address is by far the most laughable comment you have made yet; “It’s much easier for men than it is for a woman to just go out and get another mate/parent for herself and an abandoned family.” What a colossal load of BS. I’m a women, I guarantee you if a woman walks out her front door right now and pull her pants down she is more likely to get offers of companionship than anything else. If her husband did the exact same thing, he’d be arrested. There are no ifs ands or buts about it – women control the sex and can act as lewdly as they want any time they want and the only people at risk are men that agree with them. We decide when it happens and with who (I do mean sex by the way – not rape, which has nothing to do with sex). The fact is, women can walk out scott free. When they do, by the way, they are more likely not to pay child support (even if court ordered) than men are: 36% of women that owe child support have paid nothing toward that obligation since ordered, of men that owe child support 18% have paid nothing at all toward their obligation since order (source: US Census Bureau).

    “Some of you forget that your Jesus (who was a man of color)” more unfounded commentary. You seem great at posting things that have no basis in fact.

    If you can’t post something fact based, try being a wee-bit less insulting. For you act like there is no gender bias against men in society and its laws is just plain idiotic.

    Seriously though, you are just a troll right, no one in their right mind would believe a word of your post. If you really do, please wear a sign the says “LUNACHIC” so innocent bystanders can run away.

    Signed: GET YOR MEDS CHECKED!

  • http://dianahartman.blogspot.com/ diana hartman

    i haven’t read the book but would be interested in knowing what kind of family/extended family the parents have in their children’s lives…as a single father, my brother raised his two sons and one daughter alone…his sisters (including me), his mother, his grandmother, our aunts — all these women have made major contribtions to his daughter’s life to include sex talks, dating stuff, etc…
    she didn’t suffer as much as one think she might have without a mother because of the relationships with other woman my brother fostered and made available to his daughter…
    we all were examples of womanhood for to follow, and she did…
    just as importantly i must note something that has been overlooked at least in this discussion (again, i haven’t read the book) is that she chose good men to date, good men to hang out with, good men to befriend, and a good many to marry…
    additionally, my nephews have grown up to be good men because of the example my brother set with not only the way he treated women but also the way he treated his daughter…
    my own experiences with single mothering followed by marriage to someone who is deployed 6 months out of the year has led me to believe that the ideal situation for raising children is love, caring, nurturing, all that — regardless of who’s doing what…
    when so many times family and extended family have so much influence on a child that they know “mom” and “dad” as two people in a long list of people who love them and not by “they are the only two people who love me”, then one less parent than the norm(?) isn’t such a big deal…
    it’s only a big deal when a child is less loved…

  • http://www.blogcritics.com T A Dodger

    Hey Teri,
    Great review. You give the reader a good idea of what the book is about and how the author approaches the issues, while examining some things the author didn’t address. From what I’ve seen on blogcritics, you are a persuasive advocate of child custody reform. You don’t demonize single mothers or suggest they are incompetent. You don’t attack women who seek divorces, and you don’t minimize the impact of domestic violence against women. So often people who post on this subject seem to hold a grudge against women in general or (more often) one woman in particular, but you seem genuinely concerned for the welfare of children. I’ll check out your web site for sure.

  • Harry

    I have not read the book either, but I saw a recent presentation by the author. Her admiration of motherhood and blended families is nothing short of worship.

    Are there decent single mothers who raise decent children, absolutely? However, other than this book and ideological drivel, to my knowledge there is no evidence to even suggest single motherhood is the best way to raise children, all other evidence clearly shows that two loving biological parents raise the most well adjusted children.

    Here’s an example of the hundreds of good mothers I become closely familiar with:

    Two days ago I got a referral from the military about a man who had just been released from the hospital after having his head laid open with a telephone by his wife. There was a disagreement about her not coming home for four days because she was out bonking another sailor, who she’d been doing for three months or so. Because of the woman’s irresponsibility and infidelity the man, her husband, missed several days of work and lost his job, since he stayed with their three children during their agreed upon time that she would watch the kids. Of course, she was out partying and failed to make other arrangements dropping the responsibility on her husband with no warning. She was arrested, booked, arraigned for domestic violence assault and battery, and released on bail. She immediately filed for a restraining order,lied about the circumstances, and was granted the order. The man is now homeless, unable to see his children, without work, and the unfaithful violent wife has the house and kids, where now lives her boyfriend. From all accounts she has a history of child abuse, violence, and infidelity, but she gets the kids. I doubt very much that that is in their best interests. Bye the way, the abuser, the woman and mother, is the enlisted military member, not the abused man.

    As a victim advocate I see this all the time. Anyone who knows anything about abuse knows that women commit over 75% of child abuse and almost all infanticide, and those are mostly single mothers, or single mothers with boyfriends. The safest place for a women and children is in a home with the children’s natural father, which research clearly shows.

    And why should any of the millions of mothers who commit paternity fraud retain the right to raise any children, since their whole relationship is based on a lie. What sort of lesson is that to teach children.

    Harry

  • http://www.blogcritics.com T A Dodger

    even though the over whelming evidence indicates that domestic violence is committed almost equally by the genders.

    I found this very difficult to believe, but people on these fathers’ rights threads keep asserting it, so I started sniffing around the internet looking for data. I was surprised, because some sites cited research that said the rates of pertner abuse between men and women were about equal, others said that men were only the victims of about 10-15% of domestic violence.

    That seemed like a big difference to me, but I think this site addresses the issue pretty well.

    QUESTION: You’re assuming women are the victims. Don’t women hit?

    ANSWER: Yes, indeed women use assaultive behaviors. Research on a national, random sample of households (Strauss, Steinmetz, Gelles, 1980) seems to show that women are as equally likely as men to hit. However, when you look at who gets “hurt” the story changes. Analysis of police reports in Santa Barbara, California indicated that in 90% (in instances where injuries were noted) the injuries were women only. In the remaining 10%, both parties had injuries. In all cases where both parties had injuries, the woman’s injuries were more severe than the man’s.

    I hope people find this information helpful. :)

  • http://www.blogcritics.com T A Dodger

    As for women being more abusive towards children, I’m pretty sure that has something to do with the fact that 84% of the time sole custody goes to the mother, and the fact that usually women are the primary care-givers for children when the parents are married. Women just spend more time around children than men, and that’s reflected in the abuse stats.

  • http://feminist4fathers.blogspot.com/ Teri

    tadodger,

    Yes, and that right there is proof of the imbalance. Fathers are begging for more time with their children. They want to take some of the burden off the moms. This would automatically reduce some of their stress. Child abuse would go down.

    Teri

  • http://www.blogcritics.com T A Dodger

    They want to take some of the burden off the moms. This would automatically reduce some of their stress. Child abuse would go down.
    Hey, that sounds just fine to me. I think it’s great when men want to be involved with their children and I am ALL FOR a more equal share of parenting between men and women, whether they’re married or not.

  • http://www.blogcritics.com T A Dodger

    They want to take some of the burden off the moms. This would automatically reduce some of their stress. Child abuse would go down.

    Acutally, on second thought, I don’t know if it would automatically reduce the rate of child abuse. It might just decrease child abuse by women while increasing child abuse by men. And when you take into account that men are stronger and more likely to cause injury….
    I’m not saying this is a reason to favor mothers over fathers, I’m just saying we can’t say for sure what effect changing custody laws would have on the overall rate of child abuse. There are too many factors.

    That said, I think what the effect on abuse rates you describe is perfectly logical and possible, since presumably niether parent would feel as stressed by the responsabilities of child rearing.

    It’s just really hard to preduct that kind of effect because there are too many unknowns.

    Sorry, just thinking out loud here

  • http://www.gndzerosrv.com Jim Untershine

    I must commend you Teri on your wherewithal to read this book in the first place. The title of the book only begs the question “How does a single mother or lesbian couple define an exceptional man?”.

    Is the title supposed to lend credence to the concept of excluding a father from raising his own son, or is it to celebrate the fact that women who hate men can finally perpetuate themselves if they can coax a heterosexual man into having unprotected sex with them or by purchasing a man’s seeds to grow their own child.

    The sinister underpinnings of the single mom / gay marriage / gay parent empowerment campaign revolves around the divorce industry and their attempt to keep parents walking into Family Court. Show the Family Court a child and 2 parents and they will maximize the cash flow between them by denying custody of the child to the breadwinning parent regardless of gender, lifestyle, religion, or race.

    Was this propaganda paid for by the divorce industry?

    Jim Untershine, http://www.gndzerosrv.com

  • http://www.blogcritics.com T A Dodger

    Jim,

    All lesbians hate men?
    All women who want to have children hate men?
    Those of us who support the rights of gay people to parent their children and formalize their relationships are just trying to “feed the divorce industry?”
    According to your website, NOW is a terrorist organization?

    Misogynists like you are the reason feminists can’t get behind the fathers’ rights movements. It should be a discussion about equality, and I think some people are genuinely trying to make it that. People like you make it about re-asserting partriarchy.

  • http://www.blogcritics.com T A Dodger

    The second line should have been:
    “All single women who want to have children hate men?”

  • http://www.gndzerosrv.com Jim Untershine

    T&A

    Maverick = “An independent individual who does not go along with a group or party”

    A maverick mom is a female parent who chooses to break the rules – to hate the father of her child enough to deny him the right to help raise his own son. This book’s author wishes to promote this concept and attempts to suggest that sons are all the better for it. Do you agree?

    Lesbians don’t hate men? Gay parents grow children to formalize their relationship? Gay parents will formalize their relationship when one of them decides to go to family court and forces the breadwinning partner to pay 25% of their net income for 18 years to the other partner to support a child that may not be biologically theirs.

    NOW is not a terrorist organization? The National Organization for Women accused the California Family Courts of being corrupt when breadwinning parents (who happened to be women) were denied custody of their children. NOW is a supremacist organization (not equality), they will sacrifice their own to push their agenda and grab federal funding.

    Parents are trying to feed the divorce industry? The divorce industry is trying to feed on parents. Don’t help fathers shut down Family law because of their rights – shut it down for your rights and those of your children.

  • http://www.frozenheart.org Karl Hindle

    What is a child’s paramount family right ?

    I would argue it is the right to both parents in their lives.

    Raising children single handed is for many the only option, but for far too many sole parenting is a conscious decision in which the child’s interests do not factor and that is inherently wrong and deeply disturbing.

    Raising exceptional children is something as parents we all do – every child is exceptional, each is unique. These children here are no more exceptional than your children or mine.

    As a caring society, the interests of children must come before all else and that includes those children this world has yet to see.

    Evry child has a right which should be inalienable – a right to their mother and to their father.

    A feel good expose is not a justification for the proliferation of single parenting….the children must come first.

    Karl

  • Wonder_Woman

    I advocate for the children. I have never said being a single mother is a thing to be guilty of. I’m a single mother! I’ve raised 4 children, 3 of whom have been abandoned by their dads. I’ve seen how it hurt and harmed them to not have their father’s influence.

    Between which of your children’s 4 fathers were you actaully a single mother? You’ve had 4 children by 4 different fathers wasn’t that what you said Teri?

    My son told me at the age of 14 the reason he had been in a street gang for 2 years was, “because I don’t have my dad in my life and I needed to learn how to be a man.” So…don’t try to tell me I don’t understand this issue.

    [edited] I know many single mothers and fathers that raise their children sucessfully. They are dedicated to their children and are not out on the prowl looking for a new mate and producing more children. Bringing new partners in and out of children’s lives is not good for the kids. [edited]

  • wonder_woman_usa_1

    Raising boys without men? Do these women live on menless islands? Do they not have fathers, brothers or male friends to provide male role models for their sons? Just because a boy doesn’t have a father to take interest in his life, doesn’t mean he has to grow up without good male role models. I am sure most single mothers have males somewhere in their son’s life.

  • http://vision4children@yahoogroups.com tom porter

    Dear wonder woman..(janet)

    We all know you’re a parenting hero.

    [edited]

    there is overwhelming support for Teri as she is a mom not a slob looking for forgivness for abanndoning her kids and their dad for a cheap thrill.

    noone is perfect not me not Teri but should’nt you try to come up with at least ONE redeeming quality as a human being before questioning another?

    [edited]

    my pity

    Tom

  • Wonder_Woman

    Yes, and that right there is proof of the imbalance. Fathers are begging for more time with their children. They want to take some of the burden off the moms. This would automatically reduce some of their stress. Child abuse would go down.

    Teri

    Three of your children’s dads didn’t do much begging, did they Teri?

  • Wonder_Woman_Usa_1

    Tom,

    Since we had all that internet sex, as you claim, I would like to inform you that you are now the proud father of a ten pound resistor, and I am now in the process of getting an order for a DNA test on you and seeking child support.

    WW

  • Wonder_Woman

    At one time that young mother could have been me.

    At one time that young mother was you Teri, or have you forgotten?

    I have made many disparaging comments about my ex-husbands, and I felt completely justified in doing so.

    Comments like loser and deadbeat dad Teri?

    All three of the men had let me down in one way or another, and it made sense to place blame when I spoke about my divorces.

    [edited]

    They weren’t my fault; after all, they were always my ex-husbands’ fault.

    Yes, of coarse Teri none of your failed marriages were your fault were they?

    That’s what I liked to say at least. That’s what I needed to believe.

    I have experienced a phenomenon within my own family that I have now learned is common, tragic, and very often avoidable. I’m talking about the phenomenon of the fatherless child. Three of my children are in that 40 percent, the kids who never see their dads. They had fathers who it seemed, simply walked out of their lives. The thing to note is that of the four men, it was the three who I divorced, the three who had to deal with the family court system

    The Teri court system!

    and the state child support enforcement who went missing, not the man who fathered a child with me when we were both unmarried, who wrote a parenting plan with me without involving the court system.

    Yeah this poor guy took the easy route and paid you child support while accepting your terms and the visitation you allowed him to have.

    I’ve successfully co-parented with that man for 18 years.

    Yes, on your terms it seems.

    So what happened to the men I married and divorced? Why were they the ones who walked? It wasn’t like they were never in their children’s lives. These were the men who attended childbirth classes with me, who walked the floor, changed diapers, and played with our babies. We were thrilled to have children together and co-parented successfully while we were married. What exactly had happened during the divorce? Everything changed. The relationships between my children and their fathers disintegrated.

    [edited] We would all love to hear from them. Why don’t you pose as one of your ex’s again and tell us all how wonderful you are and what a scumbag they were?

    At the time, all I knew was that I had divorced men who had deserved it, as far as I was concerned, and they were proving exactly how bad they were by abandoning their children. My only choice, as I saw it then, was to be the best single mom I could be;

    [edited]

    to fill in the gaps, to play both parental roles, to make sure as best I could that my kids felt loved and wanted. I chose a career that allowed me to work from home.

    In home daycare. While collecting child support/welfare checks?

    I supported my family and provided my children the benefits of a stay-at-home mother.

    Good little feminist, who needs a man?

    But while I was enjoying close relationships with my children I also knew they were missing something. I resented my ex-husbands for rejecting them, and for any disadvantages they experienced by not having two parents in their lives.

    So I went out and found another man and made more babies with him!

    Those kids deserved another cheerleader on their team. So if the name of one of my ex-husbands came up in conversation I did not hesitate to use a term like “the loser.”

    Rah! Rah! Give me a L! Give me an O! Give me a S! Give me a E! Give me an R! Whats that spell kiddies? DADDY!

    Ms Stoddard when do you take any responsibility for what you put your children through? Now you have the nerve to portray yourself as the champion of fathers rights? Now you have the gall to portray yourself as the Queen of Equality? Your track records stinks.

  • http://www.blogcritics.com T A Dodger

    [edited] We would all love to hear from them. Why don’t you pose as one of your ex’s again and tell us all how wonderful you are and what a scumbag they were?
    Have you considered that maybe there is NEVER an excuse for abandoning one’s children???

  • wonder_woman

    Have you considered that maybe there is NEVER an excuse for abandoning one’s children???

    Most certainly! My ex husband was a non custodial father. After being beaten down, falsely accussed of molesting his daughter, he just gave up! I am sure there are many non custodial fathers that can relate. Sometimes an ex can be such a vindictive b**ch that some fathers feel its easier on them and the children if they just dissappear altogether.

  • http://www.templestark.com Temple Stark

    This comment thread seems like a whole group of strangers moved in, started a conversation begun elsewhere and the rest of us are left clueless.

    To be honest, the review feels the same way.

    The book seems close to useless, if only because the mothers in the book were not typical. That’s almost the entirety I got from the review, and I agree.

    -Temple, as a reader, not an editor.

  • http://feminist4fathers.blogspot.com/ Teri In Cali

    Hi Temple,

    Parents who miss their children can be very passionate about their loss. I’m grateful they have a way to express their pain. And yes, there are some people who are afraid of change and who fight our cause. There are also people who lost their kids by their own doing and who can’t forgive themselves, taking it out on others. I hate seeing families hurting like this. There doesn’t need to be so many families torn apart by archaic laws.

    Teri

  • http://feminist4fathers.blogspot.com/ Teri In Cali

    Janet/Wonder Woman,

    You are commenting on another one of my articles. This one is about the book Raising Boys Without Men.

    Teri

  • IgnatiusReilly

    the heck with the kids. let’s see the topless puctures.

  • wonder_woman

    the heck with the kids. let’s see the topless puctures.

    LOL!!!! Ask Tom Porter to send them to you! (.)(.)

    Wonder Boobies ;)

  • Wonder_Boobies

    You are commenting on another one of my articles. This one is about the book Raising Boys Without Men.

    I was tying in your past article with your present comments on raising children as a (sometimes)single mom.

    Wonder Boobies (.)(.)

  • Wonder_Boobies

    I know how to, raise men. ;)

  • http://www.blogcritics.com T A Dodger

    I know how to, raise men.

    Even though you don’t know how to use commas.

  • RogerMDillion

    The comma was used correctly. She’s obviously trying to create a pause in the way the sentence is to be read.

  • reality

    “I was tying in your past article with your present comments on raising children as a (sometimes)single mom.”

    How typical. How many artificial “daddies” have you had in your childrens lives?”

    a REAL Father is irreplacable.

  • http://www.blogcritics.com T A Dodger

    Roger,
    The comma was used correctly. She’s obviously trying to create a pause in the way the sentence is to be read.

    This is really unimportant (and obviously I was just being snarky), but I have to say: no, the comma wasn’t correct.

    You should never seperate the subject of your sentence from its verb with just one comma, no matter how much you want your reader to pause.

    See this site for details.

    Here’s how they put the rule:
    Never use a comma that would separate the subject from the predicate.

    “The Senate Sub-Committee for Indian Affairs decided that the government should give control of Indian programs to the tribes.”

    A comma after “Affairs” might seem like a good ideas but would separate the subject from the predicate.

  • http://wonder_woman_usa_1@yahoo.com wonder_woman

    How typical. How many artificial “daddies” have you had in your childrens lives?”

    Just one daddy. I don’t believe in having children with more than one partner. Also, I do not think that bringing one man after another, into your children’s lives, does much for the kids. Once you have kids, its not about what you want anymore. My ex was a nc father. I was married to him 18 years, we had 4 children before he decided to end the marriage. I did all I could, to help him keep contact with his children in UK from his first marriage. I did succeed in reuniting him with his daughter. Its ironic that he committed all the same abuses on me and our children, that his first wife committed against him. I am pleased to say thats all behind us now though. We co parent successfully. : )

  • wonder_woman

    Its there because I wanted it that way. Author’s privilage! :P

  • RogerMDillion

    T A,

    save your English lesson for other “writers” on this site. The rule you quote has nothing to do with this incident, and a comma after “Affairs” doesn’t seem like a good idea.

    Read the sentence out loud; the pause is used for comedic effect.

    You probably shouldn’t read the poetry of cummings or “All the Pretty Horses” by Cormac McCarthy.

  • http://www.blogcritics.com T A Dodger

    Roger,
    Wow. Calm down.
    I was just giving womder_woman a hard time. She seems to have taken my weak jab pretty calmly.

    You’re the one who decided to claim that the structure of that sentence was correct, which it wasn’t.

    Oh, and wasn’t that you telling ryan he’s lucky we don’t give people the death penalty for bad spelling and grammar in comment 41 on this thread? I thought so.

  • wonder_woman

    Giving me a HARD time Todger? Oh goodie! ;)

  • RogerMDillion

    I am calm and WW’s sentence was correct as written. That’s what made your jab weak. The rule you refer to has nothing to do with dialogue, which has its own set of rules.

    In reference to cryin’ ryan, which has nothing to do with this incident, his post is poorly written. Posts have more prominence and their quality reflects on the site. They can also be corrected by the author whereas a comment can’t be.

    And the actual quote is, “Lucky for Ryan there’s no death penalty for spelling and grammar. I had to abort reading this post because there were too many errors in it.”

    It was in reference to his comment that “It would also be cheaper if we gave every criminal the death penalty.”

  • http://www.blogcritics.com T A Dodger

    The rule you refer to has nothing to do with dialogue, which has its own set of rules.

    Then we just have treat posts on the internet differently. I treat them as writing; you treat them (or some of them, anyway) as a sort of trascription of the spoken word. I guess that’s a fair difference of opinion…

    P.S.
    This is, by far, the most ridiculous internet disagreement I have ever been a party to.

  • http://musical-guru.blogspot.com Michael J. West

    I COMPLETELY agree that this argument is ridiculous, not to mention completely irrelevant to the topic.

    That said, I’m a professional editor and can’t help but weigh in on it.

    I am calm and WW’s sentence was correct as written. That’s what made your jab weak. The rule you refer to has nothing to do with dialogue, which has its own set of rules.

    Dialogue does not have its own set of grammatical rules and WW’s sentence was not correct as written. A comma splice is a comma splice, dialogue or no. If WW wanted a pause, she should have used an ellipsis.

  • http://www.bhwblog.com bhw

    Totally irrelevant, indeed.

    But I teach writing and can’t help but weigh in on it. 8-)

    The sentence is incorrect as written, but the problem is not a comma splice or a comma between the subject and verb. (Comma splices separate two independent clauses.) The problem in this case is a comma between the two halves of an infinitive verb.

    Okay, back to your regularly scheduled ranting about shrews who use the courts steal children and money from innocent, unsuspecting men.

  • http://musical-guru.blogspot.com Michael J. West

    Well, at least we all agree that the comma is the problem. :-)

  • http://www.blogcritics.com T A Dodger

    The problem in this case is a comma between the two halves of an infinitive verb.
    Wait… “to raise” is all together on one side of the comma. Is “how” part of the infinitive for some reason?

  • http://www.bhwblog.com bhw

    Comment 46 has the comma between “to” and “raise.”

    I know how to, raise men.

  • http://www.frozenheart.org Karl Hindle

    I, am, laughing, my, butt, off !

    The second American Civil War commenced over punctuation….[pause]…..come on guys you all speak American anyway ;-)

    frome ye olde countrie – anglelande

    Karl aka unpunctuated stuffy pompous Brit

  • http://musical-guru.blogspot.com Michael J. West

    Now if ever there was a war that was truly “civil,” it would be a war over comma placement. :-D

  • http://www.bhwblog.com bhw

    Thank you for putting that comma inside the quotation mark, Michael.

    Now, who’s going to tell that stuffy British guy that it’s 3 dots in an ellipsis, not 4? ;-)

  • http://www.blogcritics.com T A Dodger

    Comment 46 has the comma between “to” and “raise.”
    Oops, you’re absolutely right. :)

  • http://feminist4fathers.blogspot.com/ Teri In Cali

    Wow. Boy am I glad my comma placements are okay. And I thought parents losing custody of children was wrong. Now I have my priorities right, thank goodness. lol

  • http://www.blogcritics.com T A Dodger

    Now I have my priorities right, thank goodness. lol
    Never underestimate the draw of a good comma fight.

  • wonder_woman

    Wow. Boy am I glad my comma placements are okay. And I thought parents losing custody of children was wrong. Now I have my priorities right, thank goodness. lol

    What is wrong with this paragraph class?

    You may have your commas in the right place but your grammer and sentence structure leaves much to be desired. Its a good thing you have educated journalist friends to correct your blog articles before you post them.

  • http://musical-guru.blogspot.com Michael J. West

    Which paragraph? Both of them have errors.

  • wonder_woman

    Oh NO!

  • R. E. Flair

    Well, after skipping over alot of hog wash some people wrote, I’ll comment on wether I think kids
    need both parents or not. My mother, who is 48 now, started having kids when she was 16, 4 boys
    me being the oldest. She raised all 4 of us boys on her on and we didn’t have any father what so ever in are lives. She done jobs I bet some wouldn’t do just to put food on the table and shoes on are feet, even if it meant she done with out. She taugth us to work hard and treat others
    like we would like to be treated and that if you
    ain’t got nothing good to say don’t say nothing.

  • http://www.laryholland.org/serendipity/ Lary Holland

    Teri,

    This was a spectacular review of the book that generated lots of feedback on both sides of the fence. Ultimately, there is no refuting that a child benefits from the experience of both parents, and unless one parent is truely unfit, there should be no question of presumed equal custody.

    I and alot of others appreciate your efforts in showing us that a lot of propaganda exists that is shaping today’s public policy. When it boils down to the bottom line, Justice used to be blind, but then it found a lot of money in the divorce industry with its attorney kin. Justice needs to be blind and not look at the color of skin or the gender of the sexes and issue rulings based on Equal presumptions. Remove the money from the equation and you have removed the greed and the constant fighting. Thank you for your help and efforts in reforming a system bent on profiting from the destruction of families.

    Lary Holland
    http://www.laryholland.org
    http://360.yahoo.com/frcmichigan
    http://standuptoday.blogspot.com

  • HelmRock

    Men must be present in a young man’s life, sorry but that’s just common sense. Children model themselves after role models, and the most intimate role models they have are their parents. I learned a lot from my mother growing up in a household where my father was very frequently out of town or absent (working hard to provide for us). I didn’t blame my dad, but I wish I didn’t have to wait for him to retire to develop the great relationship we now have. I would be absolutely lost without my dad, who has experienced life as a man and knows the unique challenges of being a man.

    Are kids without dads going to be messed up? Not automatically. But look at the US prison system and you will find an unbelievable number of men who grew up without fathers. It DOES make a difference, no matter what you say