There seem to be two kinds of people in this world: the reasonable, open-minded folk who trust their own judgment and senses, who know what’s what. And then there are those who ignore the facts staring them right in the face, who won’t acknowledge that Elvis is alive even when they see him special- order a TCB Whopper with peanut butter and ‘nanner. Who won’t believe in Bigfoot until he’s strangling them with their own descending colon. These people are called “skeptics.”
The heralds of truth at Weekly World News have done it again, blowing the lid off another suppressed story that skeptics refuse to believe. Thanks to the uncompromising WWN journos, along with a dauntless, daring scientist-substitute teacher, Dr. Barry Leed, we finally learn the untold story of the mutant sensation that has captivated the nation, the incomparable Bat Boy. Going Mutant: The Bat Boy Exposed! may just be the greatest mutant expose since that documentary showing how Hugh Jackman got his metal skeleton.
Leed holds the MBS (Master of Bat Studies) from the University of Indianapolis, so is basically what you’d call an unimpeachable expert. (Plus, I’m pretty sure only presidents can be impeached.) Who better than the expert known to his students as “Dr. Squealgood” to stalk the world’s most accomplished human-bat hybrid and bring his story to light?
No one, that’s who.
The sheer breadth of Leeds’ research, the steel of his tenacity, the enormidad of his cojones will leave you blubbering in amazement. You may not believe some of the astounding accomplishments and startling revelations until you see the numerous supporting photos and, as we all know, photos don’t lie!
Beginning with the 1992 discovery of Bat Boy, Leeds has unearthed the entire life story of a simple, bulgy-eyed, pointy-toothed flying boy, from humble beginnings in the caves of West Virginia, to distinguished U.S. military service, to flying on the space shuttle. By the time you reach the end of this pulse-pounding account, you won’t be asking why Bat Boy’s picture is now on the five dollar bill, you’ll be digging out a few “bats” to buy the book!
Along the way, the authors separate fact from insinuation, innuendo, and other words you’ll have to look up, finally putting to bed the rumored romance between Bats and Brittany — it was actually BB g.f. Betty Barnett, a virtual double for Ms. Spears, down to the crossed eyes and pointed teeth. They uncover the mighty mutant’s likes (Count Chocula cereal, featherless lizard chickens) and dislikes (modern art, disco balls, and any recording by Cher since 1984).
There are enough interesting — and in true Weekly World News style, inflammatory — facts in Going Mutant, well, to fill a book! Along with the kind of value-added content that makes the WWN the world’s only reliable news source, such as, according to experts, one in ten lap dancers “sport silicone butt implants.” And valuable advice for those visiting West Virginia: when you hear banjos, paddle faster, and, in that state, a virgin is defined as “a girl who can outrun her brother.”
Just try getting that sort of information from your high-falutin’ newspapers, bub! There is simply no other source for the kind of journalism that, as Dr. Leed eloquently puts it, covers events that are like “Woodstock, Caligula, and Plato’s Retreat rolled into one.”
Once you’ve read Going Mutant, you’ll realize you didn’t know how much you don’t know about Bat Boy and his role in the events that have shaped our current world in which we live in. Sure, there will be skeptics who deride valiant works like this. To them, in the words of the great psychic, The Amazing Criswell, we say: Can you prove that it didn’t happen?