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BodySlammed By Christ

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I was flipping through the television stations the other night, when I turned to TBN – Trinity Broadcasting Network; home of Paul and Jan Crouch, Benny Hinn, M.C. Hammer and other born-agains – and, to my amazement, saw professional wrestling.

I knew wrestling was a big draw, but come on now.

Two guys were beating the living hell out of each other in front of a cheering audience.

After the match, the lights went up, and one of the wrestlers – former WCW superstar Sting – took to the microphone.

He began witnessing, while in full Stingolicious black and white face makeup, to the audience.

It was a litany of misery.

He had tons of money, women throwing themselves at him, and he rode around in limos all the time.

It was pure hell on earth.

If I was a millionaire having sex with chicks in a limo, I wouldn’t be bellyaching but, then, I’m not Sting.

Yet with everything he had, he said, “I felt empty inside.”

“I had been wrestling with God for years,” he added, “and I was losing the match.”

So he turned his life over to Jesus Christ, and now performs evangelical “grudge matches” on TBN.

But, hey, he’s as happy as the proverbial clam.

Then, Sting turned to another wrestler – the “Million Dollar Man” (of ‘Wrestlemania 8’ fame) – and began preaching to him.

Since ‘Mil’ was a designated “bad guy”, it just followed there was some soul saving to do there.

But halfway through Sting’s “god spiel”, the ‘Mil’ interrupted him and revealed, “Brother, I’ll let you in on a little secret – I was saved some ten years ago!”

The cheers from the crowd eclipsed those heard during the previous match.

As it turns out, after the heady success of Wrestlemania, ‘Mil’ spent the whole night drinking and having hot limo sex, and then called his wife the next morning.

“She was a good woman,” ‘Mil’ said, “she never called me in the middle of the night, when I was on the road, to make sure I was where I was supposed to be.”

Her bad, I suppose. But, somehow, his wife had found out about his many extramarital affairs.

Obviously, the Million Dollar Woman was none too happy with her husband.

The call did not go well. She wanted to have it out over the phone, but ‘Mil’ answered, “Let’s talk about it when I get home tomorrow.”

“You won’t be coming home tomorrow,” she said, “because you don’t live here anymore.”

Jeez, getting nailed like that has gotta hurt.

So, ‘Mil’ did what many desperate men who’re about to lose their wife and kids will do.

He called the preacher man.

Basically, he was told to confess his sins, ask for forgiveness, then straighten up and fly right.

Oh, and turn his life over to Jesus.

He added that he found John 3:16 especially relevant, then commented, “Yes, it’s John 3:16… not Austin 3:16! That’s blasphemy in the eyes of God!”, thus admonishing obvious pagan-wrestler ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin, who most assuredly is damned to hell for all eternity.

Amen, and all that.

So now, the “Million Dollar Man”, Sting, and a whole host of other formerly heathenized wrestler-types are going to the mat for God.

They’re wrestlers. They’re Christians. And they’re going to take YOU down… the path to salvation!

Good night, Irene!

File this story under: “Just When You Thought Professional Wrestling Couldn’t Get Any More Absurd.”

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About Pete Petrisko

  • Eric Olsen

    If any of this came as a surprise to you, I must conclude you hadn’t read the bible of its genre: “Every Man Has His Price: The True Story of Wrestling’s Million Dollar Man”

    His name is Ted, by the way.

    He was kicked in the butt by love.

  • No, I guess I missed that particular Book-of-the-Month Club masterpiece.

    I take this Event as yet another sign of TBN struggling to stay “hip” and “relevant”, which began with its giving a show to “Jesus Shock Jock” Bob Larson, followed soon thereafter by MC Hammer (who – I’ll give the man his props – is actually a damn good preacher.)

    Oh, how I long for the salad days of “Davey & Goliath”.

  • Eric Olsen

    I do not care what any man alive has to say about him: MC Hammer has been good at everything he’s done (within reason)

  • Sarah e.g.

    I have this perverse fascination with TBN. I’m a Christian myself, but when I turn to TBN I feel like my TV’s picking up signals from some distant planet. Every time we see Jan and Paul while flipping channels, we have to stop to chortle over Jan’s attire and makeup.

    Anyway, I know you’ll all be jealous when you hear that I actually VISITED TBN’s studios in Costa Mesa last summer. I got my picture taken with a cardboard Jan cutout, marvelled at the many decorative uses of gold paint, and saw a “virtual reality” movie on the life of Paul.
    At the gift shop, I got a fridge magnet that sings “Let’s just praaaaise the Lord” in a goofy male voice, and a comic book featuring the (highly fictionalized) adventures of the TBN Wrestling Team. It’s kind of like a Chick tract, but featuring large, mulletted men in matching nylon running suits.

  • jeremy

    I think it is wonderful that wrestlers like Million Dollar Man and Sting have turned over to God. I too am a christian and i rejoice when I hear of others turning to God.

  • precious

    you dont know how happy iam to see and hear that wrestlers are also turning to God.
    i was a great fan of wrestling until the day that i read that stone cold was blasphemying about 3:16.
    i was realy upset about,the secound thing was that the wrestlers themselves look a little bit unplesant,take undertaker for example,kean,i mean even the way the fight-dead man walking!!!!
    buried alive!!thats crazyyy!!!

    i thank God for you steve…may people all arround the world take you as an example and may they turn to God because of your testimony.