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What is boanthropy?

In cases of boanthropy, victims come to believe that they are in fact cows. Having arrived at this belief, they begin to act like cows.

According to the probably fictional Peabody Institute, victims first become vegetarians and, if that isn’t bad enough, soon take to mooing and snorting and hanging out in fields. The ‘Peabody Institute’ claims that the ox in the stable at the birth of Jesus was actually a peasant afflicted with the condition. I tend to disbelieve them, though. Joseph and Mary would’ve had to have been incredibly nearsighted.

Attack of the Were-Cows

Boanthropy is related to lycanthropy. People afflicted with lycanthropy think that they are wolves. Legends of were-wolves were probably started by individuals afflicted with the condition. One could refer to an individual with boanthropy as a ‘were-cow’. Were-cows have gained nowhere near the notoriety of were-wolves, perhaps because no one cares what happens to grass.

Boanthrope = Misanthrope

Boanthropes are obliged to crawl about on all fours, a task to which the human frame is ill-adapted. They eat only grass and other green vegetables, but prefer not to use their hands. The volume of their lowing serves as a warning to oncoming traffic, but precludes much social contact. And if all that isn’t bad enough, an angry boanthrope will charge when provoked. As someone who has many times been in the path of an angry boanthrope, I would like to assure you that they are dangerous creatures. Most of them have not managed, through force of resolve, to grow horns, but they are not to be deterred by pleas for mercy, or even by the offer of a nearly fresh ham sandwich.

Neb the Cow

Nebuchadnezzar was afflicted with the first known case of boanthropy. The King James Bible says:

Let his heart be changed from man’s, and let a beast’s heart be given unto him; and let seven times pass over him.

This is one of those cases where God engaged in ‘cruel and unusual punishment.’ He said to Nebuchadnezzar, “Either heed my words and commands or I will turn you into a cow.” Then he said, “No, better yet, I will make you think that you’re a cow, and leave you as a man! Oh, I even surprise myself sometimes, omnipotence be damned.”

Neb understandably didn’t believe that God would do something so ridiculous as make him think he was a cow, but God always keeps his promises. Nebuchadnezzar thought he was a cow for seven years before finally he knuckled under. “You’re the greatest, God. Oh look, a dandelion.”

Neb was probably kept in a private wood by his loyal aides, in hopes that some day he would stop believing himself to be a cow, and return to rule his kingdom with an iron hoof. Today, ‘Discovery Magazine’ uses the story of Neb the Cow to convince children of the scientific veracity of the bible:

Some people who do not believe the Bible is God’s Word have said that this story could not be true. But today we know that there is a rare medical condition that can cause people to act just like Nebuchadnezzar. It even has a name: boanthropy (bo-AN-thra-pee). When people are sick with boanthropy, they do not like to be indoors; in fact, they will spend almost all of their time outdoors, if allowed to do so. Further, they gladly will eat grass (like an ox or cow), and even will drink from muddy puddles (like a dog, or other animal). The hair on their body becomes coarse, and their fingernails and toenails become thick and long.

See kiddies, the Bible never lies! It was right about the existence of compulsive moo-ers, and it’s right about everything else. Why, it’s only a matter of time before we discover the pre-historic wind machines which caused the parting of the Red Sea.

Boanthropy Today

Boanthropy diagnoses have largely ceased. People with the disease are now simply ‘loonies.’ Still, if you have ever wondered what grass tastes like, you have experienced a symptom of boanthropy. If you have ever ingested grass or even mooed, you could be classified a low-grade boanthrope. Boanthropy is a condition that affects all of our lives. Inexplicably, there is no charitable foundation established to research and cure this disease, which causes more than -1 fatalities every ten years. If you would like to help the cause, simply help a cow. Look a cow in the eye, and say, “I understand. Oh, I understand.” Then give that cow a hug. And eat some grass.

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About Leoniceno

  • anonymous

    Peabody institute is an actual conservatory and preparatory school located in the Mount Vernon area of Baltimore, Maryland. It is a branch off of John Hopkins U.

  • halarious!


  • Mary

    Thanks for the knowledge. Nebuchadnezzar’s Madness is intresting. There is a foot note in my Bible that says that “In antiquity insanity was looked upon as possession by a deity.” I read, demon. I wonder about the guy who tattoed spots all over himself and lives in the wilds, I think in England, as a leopard and of the Carnaval worker who split His tongue up the middle and got snake tatooes all over his body…. I think he may even wear contacts so his eyes look diamond shaped…
    I, of course, naturally look like a werewolf in the morning, but not because I want to. ha ha…no, actually – scary stuff!…
    sorry for the mispelled words, I went to a community college…for about a year and a half…yeah,so.(shrugs shoulders)

  • Linda

    You missed the fact why Nebuchadnezzar became a person with this problem. In Daniel 4:30, he took all the credit for the great things done in Babylon, instead of giving God the praise for his great feats. In Daniel 2:21, Daineal told the king that God sets up kings and takes them down. God gives us our very life. After 7 years,Nebuchadnezzar blessed the most high God and gave Him honur.(Daniel 4:34) At which time Nebuchadnezzar was restored to his place as king of Babylon.

  • James

    Does anyone know more detailed articles about boanthropy? Any clinical cases documented?

  • neil

    Actually if you read the whole story in Daniel chapter four you see that God was very gracious to Nebuchadnezzar. He repeatedly warned him of his pride and arrogance and gave him several opportunities to change. Then when he finally did, God restored his kingdom to him and then some. Nebuchadnezzar realized truth from his encounter with the power of Jesus Christ. He realized that the Most High is sovereign and man is “nothing.” God is good and full of love, mercy and patience. He loves you too.

  • Amster

    HAHA UMMM k God did not say that. way to be completely incorrect. Misleading others is not cool. you may not believe it, but don’t bring people down with you, give them a chance to decide for themselves based on what the bible does actually say “Either heed my words and commands or I will turn you into a cow.” Then he said, “No, better yet, I will make you think that you’re a cow, and leave you as a man! Oh, I even surprise myself sometimes, omnipotence be damned.”

  • Amster

    the bible does not say either heed my words……no better yet I will make you think that you’re a cow, and leave you a….oh I even surprise myself, omnipotence be damned.
    this is wrong

  • Thomas

    The passage in Daniel 4 re: Nebuchadnezzar does not picture God as a malevolent, punishment-oriented deity. The action flows thusly: 1. God gives Neb a dream; 2. The dream, interpreted by Daniel says that Neb can fall into boanthropy if he gets arrogant, but predicts that he will come out of it nevertheless; 3. Neb doesn’t heed the warning, defies God and descends into madness; and 4. Recovers after perhaps seven years with greater glory, after acknowledging the sovereignty of God. A mean god would have just wiped him out: whereas God here not only disciplines him harshly but effecting complete restoration, but additionally provides an opportunity to avoid it all by giving him a preview of the possibilities and a chance to change before, rather than after.

  • Bobby

    Only a fool would have no respect for the God of the universe and His decisions. Never mock God.

  • At first glance I would have thought Boanthropy was where people come to think of themselves as a certain kind of snake!

    It was undoubtedly one of those so afflicted who first coined the expression “I’ve got a crush on you”…

  • RC

    I have got to say, that while I admire your style of writing, Your sarcasm, jest and undermining of just about everything you wrote about seemed rather juvenile. The typical “I don’t understand therefore I will make fun of it.” Shame on you, You had the opportunity to educate, instead you belittled. Aren’t I lucky to be part of such an ignorant generation