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Bloggers Have No Life

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Yes, yes, I know, most of you reading this probably are bloggers. I'll also venture to guess that you just might be wondering what gives me the authority to make such a strong statement. The answer? Absolutely nothing.

Now, assuming you're still reading, I'm guessing that you have made one of four conclusions:

  1. You agree with me.
  2. You find this amusing.
  3. Both of the above.
  4. You disagree with me so strongly that you feel inclined to pick apart this article and spit every last bit and piece of it right back at me.

Regardless of your motivations, I'm obligated to explain my reasoning to you, the opinionated reader. Seeing as I just ended a list, I'll explain my reasoning with another. Bloggers have no life because:

  1. They feel the need to express themselves to people they have most likely never met or shall ever meet in the entirety of their pathetic lives.
  2. They bitch, moan, and otherwise complain about things nobody else cares about.
  3. They think they matter.

It's a short list, I know, but it should be plenty for the average reader, or for those who happen to agree with me. Now I'll go on to give some ammunition to those who fall into list item number 4 of my reader demographic (i.e. #4 in the first list in this article).

1. Need-To-Express-Yourself-To-People-You've-Never-Met Complex®

Have you ever been standing in line at the grocery store, sitting down at a bench in the park, or even working on something at your job or school when some random, inane person starts telling you what they've been up to for the last 3 1/2 weeks? Did you find this person uncommonly irritating or more than a bit annoying? Congratulations, you've had the pleasure of experiencing the "Need-To-Express-Yourself-To-People-You've-Never-Met Complex®!"

The Need-To-Express-Yourself-To-People-You've-Never-Met Complex® is a tragic psychological condition that is caused by an abnormally strong feeling of unimportance and insignificance. What does this mean? It means that no one gives a rats ass about these poor fools, so they react inversely in a vain attempt to make someone care (note: Damien Wilson is not a licensed doctor of any kind, despite popular belief).

As I'm sure you all well know this tactic has the oppositely intended effect of making the listener bored, irritated, and in extreme cases, comatose. (Another note: The "Need-To-Express-Yourself-To-People-You've-Never-Met Complex" isn't really a registered trademark, so you're free to take as much credit for it as you like.)

2. The Constant Complainers

You know the type. Always pointing fingers, constantly looking for scapegoats, and never, ever content with how things are. This could potentially be a positive trait — that is, if they'd ever bother to criticize something that someone can do something about. Some common complaints:

  • "Why don't people visit my blog?"
  • "He makes money with his blog, why can't I?"
  • "But I don't want to post on a schedule!"
  • "Why does Bob keep talking about 'natural male enhancement' on my blog comments?"
  • "My site looks fine in IE, you should use it."

What's even more irritating is when the dregs of the internet complain about each other. Can't anyone get them to can it?

3. The Ego Obsessed 

Remember, bloggers think they matter when they really do not. I've lost count of how many of those numbskulls think they're any better than the next. Always talking down to people, pretending to know more than you do, and obsessing over each individual link that Technorati tells them they have. I've found that a bloggers ego can be calculated by a simple formula:  Ego = (number of backlinks

For the math impaired, that means a blogger's ego increases three fold for each link their blog receives. This explains why a blogger with no backlinks has no ego, and a blogger with ten backlinks has more ego than a blogger with a three figure Adsense payout.

Get It? Got It. Good.

Well, that's about it. I've said my piece, and have but one thing left to say: believe me when I say I know what I'm talking about.

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About Damien

  • Yes, yes, I know, most of you reading this probably are bloggers.

    So is the person writing it.

  • Aren’t you writing for a blog? I just do it because I enjoy it.

  • Orchid

    I’m actually not a blogger but I am an avid reader and enjoy writing (letters to friends and textbooks in my work). I’m not sure that everyone writes blogs for the reasons you mention though I’m sure some do. There are a lot of narcissists out there but I think some people just like to write.

    How are bloggers different from authors of novels or other books who write for a future “audience” of strangers? The internet has just set people free from having to rely on publishers to get their words in front of others. Will you now give us a list of reasons all authors are irrelevant or have “no life” because they write for people they don’t know?

  • That was a very amusing and well written piece Damien.

    So let me get this straight though…you yourself are a blogger right?

    So whats your point?


  • The three groups you mentioned are indeed obnoxious–and seemingly ubiqitous– in real life, so at least blogging keeps them off the streets, where you can avoid them if you wish.

    Funny stuff!

  • Thanks for the feedback, all. Still new to Blogcritics, and I thought I’d start things off on a note off pitch. 🙂

    And yes, I am a blogger, hence my a-thor-a-tae.

  • Hilarious damien. I confess that i belong to the third category – I think I matter ;).

  • cat

    Sadly I think I fall into category #1 with a caveat; see I don’t bore people with my complaints/thoughts/what-have-you in person–my mother trained me all to well in the arts of politeness and common courtesy–so I come online and dump it into the little blog box. I figure with the blog, people have the ability to escape the boredom of my opinions by clicking the “X,” unlike IRL where most people (myself included) don’t have the guts to say: “I don’t give a fuck about what you think. Now shut up and let me get back to my crossword puzzle, loser.” (Thereby exhibiting my own pathetic status by actually trying to complete a crossword puzzle.

  • cat


    No more late night/early morning commenting for me.

  • Damn. The shoe is fitting rather tightly here. I need a drink. Better yet, I’ll get a drink and blog.

  • Amusing, but you are calling yourself bitchy, self-centered, and needy (for attention).

  • Mohjho

    or…I blog to solidify my thoughts for review. By putting my opinions on a blog, others can verify or tear apart my logic and facts.
    As for “getting a life’, which cookie cutter life do you propose for us?

  • You know I would love to keep my thoughts on a notebook but I realize its better to post them in a blog and share my experiences to those who might find them useful.

    Anyway, I blog because I love to write.

  • Amelia

    Hey, What’s up, Blogger?

  • jayjay

    i dunno whose a bigger looser?? you for writing this or me for commenting on it