Yes, yes, I know, most of you reading this probably are bloggers. I'll also venture to guess that you just might be wondering what gives me the authority to make such a strong statement. The answer? Absolutely nothing.
Now, assuming you're still reading, I'm guessing that you have made one of four conclusions:
- You agree with me.
- You find this amusing.
- Both of the above.
- You disagree with me so strongly that you feel inclined to pick apart this article and spit every last bit and piece of it right back at me.
Regardless of your motivations, I'm obligated to explain my reasoning to you, the opinionated reader. Seeing as I just ended a list, I'll explain my reasoning with another. Bloggers have no life because:
- They feel the need to express themselves to people they have most likely never met or shall ever meet in the entirety of their pathetic lives.
- They bitch, moan, and otherwise complain about things nobody else cares about.
- They think they matter.
It's a short list, I know, but it should be plenty for the average reader, or for those who happen to agree with me. Now I'll go on to give some ammunition to those who fall into list item number 4 of my reader demographic (i.e. #4 in the first list in this article).
1. Need-To-Express-Yourself-To-People-You've-Never-Met Complex®
Have you ever been standing in line at the grocery store, sitting down at a bench in the park, or even working on something at your job or school when some random, inane person starts telling you what they've been up to for the last 3 1/2 weeks? Did you find this person uncommonly irritating or more than a bit annoying? Congratulations, you've had the pleasure of experiencing the "Need-To-Express-Yourself-To-People-You've-Never-Met Complex®!"
The Need-To-Express-Yourself-To-People-You've-Never-Met Complex® is a tragic psychological condition that is caused by an abnormally strong feeling of unimportance and insignificance. What does this mean? It means that no one gives a rats ass about these poor fools, so they react inversely in a vain attempt to make someone care (note: Damien Wilson is not a licensed doctor of any kind, despite popular belief).
As I'm sure you all well know this tactic has the oppositely intended effect of making the listener bored, irritated, and in extreme cases, comatose. (Another note: The "Need-To-Express-Yourself-To-People-You've-Never-Met Complex" isn't really a registered trademark, so you're free to take as much credit for it as you like.)
2. The Constant Complainers
You know the type. Always pointing fingers, constantly looking for scapegoats, and never, ever content with how things are. This could potentially be a positive trait — that is, if they'd ever bother to criticize something that someone can do something about. Some common complaints:
- "Why don't people visit my blog?"
- "He makes money with his blog, why can't I?"
- "But I don't want to post on a schedule!"
- "Why does Bob keep talking about 'natural male enhancement' on my blog comments?"
- "My site looks fine in IE, you should use it."
What's even more irritating is when the dregs of the internet complain about each other. Can't anyone get them to can it?
3. The Ego Obsessed
Remember, bloggers think they matter when they really do not. I've lost count of how many of those numbskulls think they're any better than the next. Always talking down to people, pretending to know more than you do, and obsessing over each individual link that Technorati tells them they have. I've found that a bloggers ego can be calculated by a simple formula: Ego = (number of backlinks)³
For the math impaired, that means a blogger's ego increases three fold for each link their blog receives. This explains why a blogger with no backlinks has no ego, and a blogger with ten backlinks has more ego than a blogger with a three figure Adsense payout.
Get It? Got It. Good.
Well, that's about it. I've said my piece, and have but one thing left to say: believe me when I say I know what I'm talking about.