In light of the upcoming Homeland Security Department report outlining a dozen “frightening if hypothetical scenarios,” terrorist-mastermind Osama bin Laden has reportedly sent gourmet gift baskets to President Bush and others in the administration.
“On behalf of myself, and my fellow terrorists, I’d like to personally thank the Bush administration for their wonderful suggestions as to how to best destroy the Great Satan,” said the world’s most wanted terrorist, on a videotape aired on Al Jazeera television this morning.
“Spreading pneumonic plague in public restrooms…Infecting cattle with foot and mouth disease…these are some seriously great ideas,” said bin Laden.
“Sure, we were already thinking about the nuclear, excuse me, my English is not so good, I mean nukyaler, option, but blowing up a chlorine tank? That’s genius. Who would’ve guessed a single tank could kill 17,500 infidels? Certainly not me,” he continued.
“And did you know that an ‘estimated 350,000 people could be exposed to an anthrax attack by my Holy Warriors spraying the biological weapon from a truck driving through five cities over two weeks’? I didn’t. But according to this report, an estimated 13,200 people could die. That’s great news. For us, at least.”
Bin Laden went on to say he hopes the President and other administration officials enjoy the gourmet gift baskets. “I’d love to give Mr. Bush a something a bit more personal, perhaps some homemade falafel, but something like that is a bit hard to arrange when you’re living in a cave. All I have to say is thank Allah we still get the Internet.”