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Benny Hill Gets Shafted Yet Again

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The people chosen by the BBC’s internet poll as The Most Famous Britons of All Time deserve to be in the top ten in some way, shape, or form, I guess. But given I vacationed in England for two weeks during the summer of 2000 and have eaten crumpets, I think my own list of most famous Brits is the definitive one. So here then are my greatest British people of all time. Read and learn, mates.

10. Richard Dawson
No list of great Britons would be complete without the sexiest game show host of all time. Richard Dawson was awesome. He got to kiss all the women on the show. Some were ugly, but some were pretty too. Man, that guy was lucky. I remember rushing home from school everyday to watch “The Feud.” Sometimes I watched the show bare-chested. I rooted for the black families because they always seemed to need the money more. Unless there was a white family that’s members all sort of looked alike in a really off-putting way, then I’d root for them, even though they scared me. I always loved it when a contestant guessed “makin’ whoopee” for an answer…wait, that was “The Newlywed Game.” Man, that show rocked too…Is Bob Eubanks British? If he is, then take Richard Dawson out and put in Bob Eubanks. Now there’s a guy with style!

9-5. Rhona Martin, Margaret Morton, Fiona MacDonald, Janice Rankin and Debbie Knox (The 2002 Gold Medal Winning British Women’s Curling Team)
No quintet of women ever rocked the sporting community harder than these five lasses did in Salt Lake City during the 2002 Winter Olympics. Just when you thought curling couldn’t get any sexier, these five ice foxes dazzled us with their sweeping and sliding. While they haven’t been the best at responding to fan mail, I understand that they are probably swarmed with hundreds of letters daily, so I’m doing my best not to take it personally.

4. Julie Andrews
Babe alert! Never in the history of nannies has there been a more fly nanny than Julie Andrews. Whether as the rebellious nun, Maria, from “The Sound of Music” or as the cheeky Mary Poppins from “Mary Poppins”, Julie Andrews was my ideal woman during most of my adolescence. She helped give me a picture of what being with a woman was going to be like once I got the courage to talk to them and not always look towards the ground when one should pass me by on the street or accidentally bump into me on the train.

3. Ivan Putski
While not technically a Brit, Ivan Putski is a true hero of mine, and no list, be it my Top Ten Famous British People of All-Time or my Favorite Breakfast Cereals in the World shall not include “The Polish Power”. Putski had muscles on top of muscles on top of muscles on top of muscles. He was a mighty man. Plus he defeated many a mean wrestler: Jesse Ventura, Superstar Billy Graham, and The Iron Sheik to name just a few. I pumped my fists in bloodthirsty joy every time he used his signature “Polish Hammer” move. I once used the “Polish Hammer” against an aggressor (my neighbor’s smaller, but meaner son). I missed and wound up hurling myself into the hedges, but there was a split second when I thought I was going to land the blow, where I felt on top of the world–where I felt like I was the great Ivan Putski. I’ve voted for Ivan Putski in every general election.

2. Judy Swallow
I don’t know much about her other that she is a BBC radio personality and has a name that forever captivates and enchants me.

1. Paddington the Bear
He started out as just a little bear from darkest Peru, but over the course of his fascinating, fun-filled life he’s ended up as The Most Famous Briton of All Time. You can’t deny Paddington’s strong sense of right and wrong and charming good looks. No one, whether bear or human, sports a duffle coat and hat better than Paddington. And what about his awesome suitcase that is full of jars of sticky marmalade? Talk about class! Yes, there was that period of the early 90s where he declined into the world of drugs and gun-running, but he never used the stuff, he just sold it, so cut him some slack. I dressed up as Paddington for Halloween all through my teens and early twenties. Sure, I got some attitude and a few broken bones for it, but the trouble and conflict was worth it, because nothing could replace the feeling of faux bear fur against my supple skin, or how that red hat fit snugly over my abnormally large head. God save the bear!

So there you have it. No doubt you’ve been nodding your head in agreement while reading my list. I’m sure you’ve been thanking me as well, as now there is an authoritative list that puts the BBC’s list to shame–TO SHAME! Well, it was my pleasure, friends, my wholehearted pleasure. Cheers!

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