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Bend It Like Belichick

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So (sucks to be me) I got to sit in on (courtesy of ESPN) the Bill Belichick press conference this morning. And, as usual, the “sultan of scowling” did not disappoint!

Coach Belichick (complete with his patented “Boo Boo Kitty face”) was ready to face an arsenal of angry reporters who were more than eager to take down our neurotic New England “hobo in a Hefty bag” with many “illogical” questions (for his so-called superior mind, anyway) regarding these “Patriot Spy Games.”

But just Wile E. Coyote – Belichick, the apparent NFL equivalent of a Looney Tunes “Super Genius” – tackled reporters like “a mad dog in a meat market” – and their verbal bullets bounced of our glum head-coaching Gollum (like a sullen Superman) in the meantime.

“I’m busy focusing on the San Diego Chargers,” Belichick slurred like a stroke victim seemingly fighting ferociously for a guest appearance on Scrubs.

“But what about this…?” and “What about that…?” the insipid reporters continuously inquired about Coach Belichick and his video-taping follies.

And – just like the big, beautiful, bass (worth 15 points by the way) in Activision’s “Fishing Derby” – this “Tuna Helper” was simply not biting!

“I’ll answer any questions about our game against San Diego,” Captain Happy continued to graciously inform the curious crowd from his prestigious pedestal.

And so it goes…

Look, I covered the “coach with the most” during his tenure with the Cleveland Browns when I was but a mere “cub reporter” with the Cleveland State college newspaper. And, sure, like a younger (and less-talented) version of Thomas Pynchon (complete with the paper bag and cut-out eyeholes over my head) I foolishly cried on-and-on about Coach Belichick and his “foibles” in my columns – as (sigh) my shabby Ford Tempo continuously got ticketed down in Lot 49.

I was a witness (back before it was fashionable, folks) to the “quirkiness” of Bill Belichick even as he shamelessly threw our quarterback, Bernie Kosar, under the proverbial bus. Just like Jimmy Olsen trying to take down the Cuyahoga-counterpart of Lex Luthor, I felt the futile frustration of “pissing in the wind” when it comes to combating an NFL megalomaniac.

Hey, that’s life here in “Smallville,” I suppose.

But all “tender feelings” aside for the coach in the tattered turban, I’m letting his indiscretions against the Browns flutter away in the brown-and-orange breeze. Just like the dad from Dirty Dancing, I simply don’t see the point of putting this “Baby” in the corner anymore.  After all, when it comes right down to it: I had the time of my life.

Sure, I agree, Bill Belichick was “in the wrong” for what he was doing with his camcorder and the New York Jets. But his young Jedi apprentice, Eric Mangini, has apparently gotten the last laugh on Mr. Happy and thrown this ego-driven-Emperor down into the fiery depths of the Death Star shaft.

So again, young Luke, let go your anger: Because, honestly, what’s the point?

If Belichick could ever step outside his own self-absorbed shadow (for a moment), he would see that he has one of the best teams competing in the NFL today. Bill Belichick has been “blessed” with a stellar quarterback in the form of Tom Brady who is, quite frankly, a one-way “meal ticket” to the Canton Hall of Fame.

Regardless, outside of his own version of Sex, Lies and Videotape – what else, quite simply, does this egomaniac need to satisfy his own sense of self-worth? ANOTHER shiny Super Bowl ring to toss on the pile, perhaps?

Like Bud Fox (Charlie Sheen) telling Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) in Wall Street: “How much is too much?”

I have let the past go when it comes to Bill Belichick and the chaos he created with my beloved Cleveland Browns – what’s done is done. Belichick has gone on to create a winning dynasty in New England for himself (most importantly, it seems) – and their fans (somewhat less important in the philosophical scheme of things).

And yes, deservedly, Bill Belichick has been punished for his wicked crimes – and history, as they say, will decide the rest. I am not really interested that Mr. Happy has been hung out to squirm on the clothesline (for something every other NFL team has probably done at one time or another).

I honestly just think it’s sad that an NFL head coach with so much “talent” subsequently had to stoop to such stupid levels to win at any cost. Forget the fines and loss of draft picks – how sad (as a human being) is THAT?

Sorry, but like The Spice Girls, Beckham, and "pro" soccer coming to the United States: I just don’t care! (And who could blame me?)

So, maybe, I’ll just crack a beer with Bernie Kosar and laugh about the good times we had together as fans of the “old” Cleveland Browns – and let the Grinch who stole “play-calling” stew in his own pathetic existence in the meantime.

Because, after all, we need to focus on those dreaded San Diego Chargers, don't we, Coach Belichick?  All "diminishing skills" (past and present) aside…

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About Chris McVetta

Chris McVetta is a writer and comedian from Cleveland, Ohio. He is a graduate from Cleveland State University and an alumni of The Second City comedy writing program. His first job in journalism was as an Editorial Assistant working with Harvey Pekar ("American Splendor") at The Free Times. Most recently, his was invited to speak at the Ray Browne conference on Pop Culture at Bowling Green State University.
  • The Patriots are NOTHING without Tom Brady. Belichick’s ego tells the story that needs to be told…

  • The Patriots are NOTHING without Tom Brady. Belichick’s ego tells the story that needs to be told…

  • Chris McVetta

    Super Bowl XLII: This one’s for Bernie, Cleveland!

    No, NOT because Belichick was completely incorrect about Bernie’s “diminishing skills.” BUT, more importantly, because of the way the “hobo in the hoodie” so shamelessly treated Bernie Kosar and his legacy …in the end.

    Karma, as they say, can be a cruel boomerang.

    Especially when your Super Ego tells you not to kick a 48-yard field goal to possibly tie the game on 4th and long, huh? The videotape, it seems, does not lie…

  • The Haze

    How come the New England Patriots didn’t have to forfeit the game? In effect they got caught “cheating”,right? So how do you get caught but still keep the win? The ultimate punishment would be one in the loss column and whatever the commish wants to do after the fact.Now the Pats are 2-0 but got caught cheating so someone tell me how the punishment fit the crime?

  • Exactly. And for all those “professional” sports reporters out there who continue to stew in their own bile because of the way Belichick treated them over the years …take it from this Jimmy Olsen with a bow-tie shrug: It just ain’t worth it.

  • Seriously. Any coach that thinks that the videotaping gave the Patriots THAT much of an edge gave themselves too little credit and Belichick too much credit. Three Super Bowl titles pretty much speak for themselves.