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Ben Roethlisberger’s Elusiveness, And Why I Can’t Sleep At Night

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I saw it again on Sunday, Dr. Malinowski. I saw that dream I keep having. But … I wasn't dreaming. It was in real life.

Go on.

Well, you remember that time I told you about the 2003 Mid-American Conference football championship. The one where Miami University smoked my beloved Bowling Green Falcons 49-27 in BGSU's home turf. The one where Ben Roethlisberger ruined BG's ranked season with 440 yards passing in one game, just weeks after beating them in the regular season too.

Of course.

Well, the worst part of it that I haven't told anybody else was that, well, the BG defense … they … I … nobody on the line could get any damn pressure on him! And when someone did break through, somehow that large man evaded him without a problem and would find an open receiver. I mean … the guy is a 6'5", 240-pound quarterback. How in the hell can someone that large be so…

…covered in cocoa butter?

See, I thought that could have been the reason too! But no, I guess he's just naturally elusive. Anyways, that image has always haunted me, causing several sleepless nights. Just out of nowhere the dream will recur, and it's been over five years now. I thought I was over it, but Sunday night, there it was again. That … that final drive of Super Bowl XLIII. Roethlisberger was leading the Steelers down the field to victory. He was finding open receivers, but after dancing around the backfield and dodging the sack. I thought I wasn't going to see this while awake again, since the Cardinals' Darnell Dockett was bringing him to the ground so often earlier in the game. But … holy crap, there it was again.

And how does this make you feel?

I just feel like, well, it's not fair. If you're that big, you're supposed to not be able to avoid everything that runs your way. Some people are blessed with size, and others aren't. Those that are diminutive in stature should be able to be "mobile" and "elusive," like Jeff Garcia. Or wood nymphs. Think about people that are larger than life yet untouchable. Bigfoot. The Loch Ness Monster. M.C. Hammer. Nobody likes these people!

And the worst part is, this guy is only 26-years old. He already has twice as many Super Bowl rings as I have sleeping disorders. To make it worse, he has many more years ahead of him where he can successfully duck and dodge blitzes and pass rushes, and every time I see it, another sleepless night will be upon me. I want to forget that 2003 MAC Championship. But I just can't! It was so cold in the stands … and all those points on the scoreboard … mommy …

Well, if it's any consolation…

…yes, doctor?

He's not completely untouchable.

Doc, you always know how to make me feel better.

Same time next week?

You know it. I'm still seeing images of the 2006 World Series in my morning oatmeal.

About Suss

  • becky R

    reading your post made me happy. always great when Miami smashes the pumpkins!

  • Larkin

    Yea, I remember that game too. I enjoyed it, for some reason.