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Bears at Packers: Or, It Take a Long Pull to Get There

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I got rhythm
I got music
I got my man
Who could ask for anything more?

– George Gershwin

So you think you can dance in the NFL?  That's certainly what the Chicago Bears wanted us to believe as they stepped on the national stage Sunday night against a relatively quiet Green Bay squad.  Jay Cutler will sew the costumes, Matt Forte will build the sets, and soon we'll take this team all the way to Miami!

Unfortunately, the syncopated rhythm between Jay Cutler and his gritty band of receiving hoofers provided anguish for Bears fans not unlike that of the attendees of Talent Night at Payton College Prep (though not as painful as it was for attendees of Kozlowski High School of Music and the Art of Fisticuffs) in a 21-15 loss to the Green Bay Packers in the charming hamlet of Green Bay.

Sadly, Jay and the Cutlerettes failed to remember the keys to dancing success, leading to four interceptions and more missed connections than Craigslist (17-for-36) while the Packers brought it on in the form of intense pressure on Jay Cutler all night.

Therefore, we at Minstrels of the Midway provide a public service to the Bears' offense by offering a cheat sheet with the steps to victory, starting with a ball change:

1. Practice, practice, practice.

Remember how Earl Bennett was supposed to have a mindmeld with Jay Cutler because of their years at Vanderbilt (team motto: the SEC school that also has classes)?  Remember how bringing them together was like reuniting an old couple and they would be finishing their sentences while finishing TD receptions?  

Instead, Bears fans were gifted with the plot from Hancock, where bringing them together makes them mortal and makes us underwhelmed. A little work on those timing plays (in other words, all of the plays) might help a smidge.

2. Don't stop mid-routine.

Bears' receivers pulled up before the end of their routes so often it was a bit of a shocker that Johnny Knox didn't dissolve in teats while lifting up his shoe to referee Ron Winter to show him his broken cleats.

That just won't do; the judges hate it as much as defensive backs love it.  Remember that your work isn't done until the music stops (or the whistle blows).

3. "This house is wide open and you people have no clue what real security is or what it takes to achieve it."

Until the Bears can somehow stop a blitz or grow a set of receivers that can identify one and break off their routes to run their blitz pattern, Chicago will have to pay heed to the quote above (from the cinematic masterpiece, "The Bodyguard") and assign someone to Jay Cutler to take a series of human-shaped bullets for him.  Protect the talent, people.

4. Play up your Forte.

25 runs, 55 yards.  While that might be impressive for an asthmatic chain smoker with narcolepsy, that's not a night to remember for an NFL running back, especially one on the sweetheart list for half of America now that he's on one or more of their fantasy teams.  

On the other hand, who else ya got?  The Cutlerlettes apparently aren't ready for prime time yet, so lean on Matt Forte until further notice.  He'll handle the lifts if you stick the landings.

5. "Chaps who did taps aren't tapping anymore/They're doing choreography!"

You can never go wrong in life listening to Danny Kaye.  This one goes out to Ron Turner, who's finally got a quarterback and a running back and someone that looks a little like Orlando Pace, who used to be a great offensive lineman.  

Unfortunately, he's stuck with a collection of left feet at the moment with his receiving corps and little encouragement that it'll change in the near future. Devin Hester still looks his best being told where to go and Johnny Knox has Willie Gault written all over him.  (In other words, he'll make a great Raider in 2012.)  

Therefore, Turner might have to avoid complex choreography and stick with chaps doin' taps.  Simplify the routes and (more importantly) the decisions for his route-runners until they can be trusted.  For now, everyone dances strictly ballroom.

Follow the diagram of dance steps above and the Bears will have their fascinatin' rhythm back just in time for a Super Bowl shuffle.

If all this doesn't help, though, kneecap your opponent.  It's a long season and you can't tiptoe around the problem forever.

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  • Maddy Pumilia

    Great article. Very funny.

    I only say the last 2 minutes or so, but it looked like Cutler blew it. Next week … the Pittsburgh Steelers.

  • zingzing

    yay! both of these teams looked vulnerable tonight. i hate both with unequal passion. the vikings were the only nfc north team today that looked half (2nd) good. and with our pancake early schedule, both these teams will feel out of it by midway. if favre can keep from getting hit too often and survive the cold weather, we’ll, given the performance gb and chi put on tonight, run away with this thing. god bless the schedule makers. and god bless minnesota.

  • klondikekitty

    Thanks for the most comical review of an NFL football game I have read in a long time!! Keep up the good work!

  • The roar of the crowd, the smell of the greasepaint… I’ll probably sprain a finger warming up.

  • Okay, now will you be able to write that again in full costume?