Suss: Tiger Woods had successful reconstructive surgery on his left knee on Tuesday to repair his ACL. Woods said the procedure went fine, although he wasn’t all too pleased when the surgeon took X-Rays mid-swing.
Tuffy: The NHL has suspended Anaheim Ducks owner Henry Samueli after he pled guilty to lying to the SEC. This comes after a San Jose investor was accused of tricking a bank in New York to give him $10m to buy part of the Nashville Predators. In related news, commissioner Gary Bettman has approached Texas oilman J.R. Ewing to purchase a stake in an NHL franchise. Any one he wants, really.
Suss: Trade rumors continue to swirl around Denver Nuggets’ Carmelo Anthony this offseason. Nobody out of the Nuggets camp is saying anything to the press though, for fear of stitches.
Tuffy: All England Club officials have received complaints for their attempts to remove the danger of dive-bombing pigeons from Wimbledon with marksmen. Most of the disagreements have stemmed from the use of air raid sirens when the pigeons arrived and posthumously painting tiny mustaches on the birds.
Suss: Seattle Mariners pitcher Felix Hernandez became the first American League pitcher in over 30 years to hit a grand slam. Also Cleveland Indians pitcher C.C. Sabathia homeredTuffy: The Chicago Cubs swept the Chicago White Sox over the weekend at Wrigley Field, extending their lead in the NL Central and bettering the major leagues’ top record. Congratulations to the team on their current succe… this just in. If there is a maintenance technician near the closet located just outside the press box, could you please unlock the closet door? Jay Mariotti’s locked himself in and he’s hungry enough to eat his extensions.
Suss: Cowboys defensive back Adam “Pacman” Jones says he wishes to distance himself from his troubled past by shedding the Pacman nickname, requesting fans and members of the media do the same. Adam Jones further stated his longtime desire to introduce himself to strippers using a palindrome.
Tuffy: Germany will fight on Russia and Spain will battle Turkey in the Euro 2008 semi-finals o… excuse me, Germany will take on Turkey and Spain will play Russia in the Euro 2008 semifinals this week. This may be the most confusing swap since Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich.
Suss: NASCAR Sprint Cup points leader Kyle Busch won his 5th race of the season on Sunday at Infineon Raceway in Sonoma. Busch is showing everyone how to win with M&Ms, further demonstrating what Jimmy Spencer has been doing wrong all this time.
Tuffy: Big Brown now appears to have suffered a dislodged shoe during his Belmont Stakes run, which some are calling the reason for his last-place ride. Apparently, that’s where the horse kept his cyanide capsule in case of femur explosion.
Suss: And finally, legendary comedian George Carlin passed away at the age of 71. We here at the Treehouse Fort extend out best wishes to the Carlin family, as does Major League Baseball and the NFL, who finally have no moral objection to merging into one sport.Powered by Sidelines