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Back and to the Left — The Duke on “JFK RELOADED”

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If only, man. If only computers hadn’t been the size of Arkansas back in 1963. If only the internet hadn’t been a military tool being devised and eventually subverted by a buncha damn hippies. If only the mafia, the CIA, some Cubans, whoever the hell it was supposed to be, had been a bit more fluent in the language of blowing shit up on the Z-Bocks or Phillips Sonystations or whatever the hell.

What could have happened, is that instead of shady government types and Joe Pesci and organised gangsters shooting the hell out of John F. Kennedy back in the day, they could’ve just downloaded the game by the name of JFK Reloaded, and then instead of really shooting folks they could’ve maybe set up a LAN party or some shit and sat around yelling at each other about “That was cheating, you FAG!!!111″ and so on, other “gamer” speak.

JFK Reloaded, y’see, takes its cues from all those game affairs that wanna fling a fella head-first into the bowels of WW2-ravaged Normandy, or maybe Vietnam, although in that case probably there’ll be lots more loading screens that say about how awful it all was. “Shoot those gooks!” the pixellated soldiers cry, and then a page all about atrocities committed against innocent Vietnamese civilians, just so as you don’t get the wrong idea.

For sure, though, as an educational tool, The Duke is gonna have to go ahead and assume that a lot more kids know about what went down in Da Nang since Men Of Valor appeared than did hitherto. Granted, they might not understand the political shenanigans going on, but come the hell on, man, these kids are only, like, 32 years old or some shit. 33, tops.

So anyway, JFK Reloaded aims to make history much more fun, in much the same way as Medal Of Honor, for example, made it more fun to learn about D-Day or whatever. Screw you, various teachers and parents, is what the kids of today wish to announce. I want my history interactive, motherfucker, with swearing and blood.

Thanks to the old computer games, youngsters nowadays have gained much more insight into the plight of infantrymen, of anti-terrorist squads, of marines stationed on Mars who have to blow the fuck outta a loada Hellspawn monstrosities.

Where JFK Reloaded finds itself stumped, however, is that, unlike WW1 or WW2 or the time Hell opened up on Mars, the whole JFK assassination was over in a couple seconds. Just ask Kevin Costner. He knows more about it than anyone, and yet not one motherfucker would believe him.

In order to address this lack of a whole terrible lot to do, the makers of JFK Reloaded did the only thing possible for to make this a more worthwhile experience, i.e., offer ten grand to the player fit for to replicate Oswald’s shots most accurately.

And yeah, that’s Oswald. According to the makers of JFK Reloaded, it was Gary Oldman that pulled the motherfucking trigger, and neither Joe Pesci nor Fidel Castro nor the Mafia had one damn thing to do with it. How the fuck could all those sonsa bitches have fitted into that tiny little room, they probably wonder? Makes no damn sense. For sure, Joe Pesci could fit in it a thousand times over, but you’d be lucky to squeeze twenty regular people in there, much less the entire Mafia and a loada communist revolutionaries and government agencies.

JFK Reloaded not only assumes Oswald was responsible for the assassination, but seeks to prove it, by replicating every tiny little detail, from the caliber of the rifle to the time between shots to the exact angle he would’ve been standing and all sorts. It’s not impossible, they say, for to shoot a fella in exactly the manner JFK was shot from where Oswald was standing. And look, here’s the proof. And, as an incentive for to go ahead and prove it, we’ll fling you ten grand if you nail it.

I don’t know if you know, but The Duke could nail it like fucking that, is what, were I to be bothered trying. How about piercing a fella stood thirty feet away through the Adams apple with a motherfucking broadhead arrow, as I did not two nights ago in Thief – Deadly Shadows? What you think of that, fucking Oswald / Mafia / Government?

Now, incredible as it may seem, some folks have taken offense to JFK Reloaded. Some folks want to do nothing more than decry the state of morality and society and all sorts of fucking paranormal entities, and all because of the game where you shoot the president. Strange as it may be, though, I can’t seem to remember an instance of similar outrage concerning the availability of the Zapruder film on the net. In all the hoopla and bickering surrounding Oliver Stone’s masterpiece JFK, I don’t remember anyone saying “Hang on a minute, fuck the fact that he thinks Joe Pesci did it, what about the fact he shows the damn film in close-up, i.e., the footage of JFK being, y’know, shot?”

To be all the honest in the world, considering that the majority of the outrage has come from folks who assume, who accept as fact, that Oswald was the lone assassin, I think they should probably be singing the praises of this piece of interactive software. “Don’t take our word for it,” these folks can now say, “Try it yourself. It’s fucking easy as hell. I dunno what the fuck Costner was smoking, but he was obviously off his face.”

Thing is, see, games are for kids. Fuck off with your “mature” ratings, it’s kids who play these things, and therefore they ain’t got a damn lick of cultural credibility, so don’t be asking me to assume that this Shoot The JFK thing is worthy of maybe a bit of respect, at least as much respect as you would offer a flick or a book concerning the exact same incident. I don’t give a half-baked shit in a pastry what statistics you show me, nobody touches a joystick once their balls drop, that’s all there is to it. You might as well ask me to write a motherfucking thesis on Pogs as ask me to take this shit seriously for a second.

I don’t care that the technology being utilized is as sophisticated as anything this side of Hollywood, I don’t care that the narrative contained within some of these things is as intelligent and beautifully written as anything Jane Austin might have coughed up inbetween social shindigs, and I certainly give less than a nannygoat’s fuck that owing to the density and the depth of the world created within, a fella’s actually more likely to learn something than from even the most fact-packed of textbooks.

If you think I care that government agencies use very similar simulation programs as training tools, you can take that thought and shove it up your arsehole, alongside all the other thoughts about since the simulations are deemed so valuable to a person’s understanding of their chosen profession, then surely a game about assassinate JFK, would you ever, might increase a fella’s understanding of the incident in question.

And even if it doesn’t, even if it sucks, well so the fuck what, man? Plenty shitty flicks have been based on important, significant tragedies, and the worst that happens is reviews say about “By the way, Joel Schumacher, next time you’re thinking about maybe flinging together a flick, maybe take a walk and then smoke some crack instead.”

Live and let die, man, didn’t you hear a word that fucking Beatle said?

And mentioning Beatles, where the hell’s Mark Chapman’s video game?

Thanks folks.

Hear The Duke’s Damn New EP, With The Best Song About Kirsten Dunst Since In “Bring It On” When The Fella Made Her A Suspiciously Professional-Sounding Tape!

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About The Duke

  • http://www.zudfunck.com ZuDfunck’s Sampler

    Duke! My God, Who pissed in your Corn Flakes?

  • Eric Olsen

    hmm, along the way I sort of lost sight of whether this is a general yeay or nay. BTW, please fling me an electronical mail re a change in strategy

  • http://www.breakingwindows.com Matt Paprocki

    “it’s kids who play these things,”

    The average age of a gamer lies between 18-34. Try again with that one.

  • Shark

    Duke, thanks. Good stuff; very enjoyable is what it is.

    And better still: I got it is what I did.

    xoxo
    S

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    hey folks. Shark, thank you. i’m glad you got it, is what.

    “The average age of a gamer lies between 18-34. Try again with that one”

    Matt, that was kind of my point, in amongst the other points. The final act right there was The Duke’s democratic means of addressing the arguments put forward by the folks so up in arms about it all, and then ridiculing them in the same sentence. There’s a lot of very narrow-minded opinions being flung about in relation to JFK reloaded. Whether or not it sucks as a game, the point is it is at least as relevant as a product of any other media dealing with the same subject.

  • Eric Olsen

    I assumed as much but you almost out-subtled me