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Author Archives: halfacanuck

Bush, Kerry in hi-tech war of words

Election debates entered a new hi-tech arena Thursday, with both candidates employing sophisticated electronic devices to help them in their verbal spar, halfacanuck can exclusively reveal. President Bush was in constant contact with advisor Karl Rove via a “completely-in-canal” FM radio earpiece, invisible to the naked eye, admitted Rove yesterday following a storm of controversy in the blogosphere. “It was ... Read More »

Florida residents line up for food, water, clue

VERO BEACH — People lined up more than half a mile for food, water and a clue today in the aftermath of the fourth devastating hurricane to batter the state in six weeks. Hurricane Jeanne, which smashed the state with winds up to 120mph over the weekend, left at least six clueless Floridians dead, all of whom stayed in the ... Read More »

Reality may be fake, bloggers warn

BLOGOSPHERE — In what major bloggers see as a defining moment for bottom-up journalism, major bloggers warned yesterday that the universe itself may be a clever forgery. The controversy began in a late-night entry on PhiloBlog.com, where a poster identified only as “Duckhead” challenged the notion that any kind of objective reality exists at all. “What is reality anyway?” the ... Read More »

What I want

9:14am I do not want to work out. I do not want to buy your shit. I do not want a second pizza free. I do not want 30% off. I do not want to drive a car. I do not want to listen to your version of events. I do not want to smile at you. I do not ... Read More »

The Last Thing

You lie there in your treacherous body, smoking and smiling at me, and both our hearts are in vices. Then you say the words I don’t want to hear, the words that will bring about the end of the world: “It’s time for you to go now.” How dare you say it? How could you? How can you be so ... Read More »

Sandler and the universe

A few weeks ago I was at someone’s house, and that someone’s child was watching 50 First Dates. Normally I would projectile vomit at the thought of watching an Adam Sandler comedy, but found myself irresistably drawn to it, with a sort of morbid interest. Imagine my surprise, then, when I began enjoying it. On the surface it’s a mildly ... Read More »