I recently found out my live in fiance is addicted to porn. At first he was "mad" that I found out… then said he was glad I knew. My problem is, how do I deal with it? Do I try and make him accountable for his every move on the computer? Do I "shut off" the computer? Put on a porn blocker? If I take away the computer somehow, what do I do when he "gets mad"?
Please help… this is now controlling my every thought.
You can block and restrict and whatever else you may think of, and none of it is going to do any good. For one thing, in spite of your Sun Venus in Cancer, you are not this guy's mother. And even if you were, it still wouldn't work! And it may help you understand if you take the 'porn" out of the equation and just think in terms of "addiction" because they all work the same. So lets do that.
Does hiding the bottle from the alcoholic stop them from drinking? It doesn't. Does hiding the donuts help the overeater? No. Does screaming at someone, "Quit smoking those fucking cigarettes," do any good? It does not. It doesn't work when the addict is 16. And you're 40. So I assume your man is of similar age and what he has is a problem.
He has a problem that you cannot affect in any way at all. Figuring this out… coming to understand this and accept this is your problem. Beyond that, deciding what you want to do is your problem. Do you want to marry a man who is addicted to porn? Personally, I think you should postpone that decision and go educate yourself and I have some leads.
Specific to porn, there is a book out there, “Pornified: How Pornography Is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families”; which is a comprehensive unbiased look at this subject. The whole book is excellent, and includes very good information specific to porn addiction.
Now once you read that book you're going to know exactly what you're dealing with and if you still want to deal, then you are going to have to learn about boundaries and co-dependency. Check the Al-Anon model. "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it…" Because this is the reality.
Now it's possible your man may decide to get help, or to help himself but you know addicts….
Or maybe you don't but I do. So I'll tell you. Some of them get sober but many never do. Most never do. And the ones who do manage do so with tremendous struggle and in their own time. And their own time could be years. Or decades!
For example your man may lose you and three more like you before he decides to confront his addiction. Or he may decide relationship is too much trouble just on principle and opt to just stick with his porn for the rest of his life. After all he's forty-ish, yes? Old habits die hard.
I am sorry I don't have better news. However I am confident thse ideas will get you moving on this issue… in whichever direction you decide is best.