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Are You “Male” or “Female”? Take the Test!

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Welcome to Shark’s

HANDY-DANDY
GENDER DETERMINATION TEST

Neurological scientists have found evidence that there are some distinct physiological differences between the male and female brain structures. This implies that some behavioral tendencies are also gender-based, but as with most aspects of the complex human mind, few persons can be simplified as ‘all or nothing’ when it comes to gender behaviors.

Evolutionary trends have insured that most of us contain aspects of both male and female personality dispositions; otherwise, long ago we would have wiped out the species through war and violence — or constant nagging and bitching.

Below is a test to help you determine what percent of your mind is MALE and FEMALE.

Choose the sentence that best suits you.

#1: My basic philosophy about personal appearance is:

A) I like to look nice by being well-dressed and well-groomed, and I find those same qualities attractive in a mate or companion.
B) Who cares what they look like; you don’t fuck their face.



#2: My idea of a nice evening at home alone would include:

A) chocolate and a Nora Roberts novel.
B) a six-pack of Keystone and a porno movie.



#3: A MALE friend of mine wants to talk about relationship problems he’s having with his significant other; I respond by:

A) …sending him a nice, thoughtful Hallmark card that contains encouraging words of friendship and sympathy.
B) …getting him drunk, taking all of his money in a few games of pool, mocking his sexuality, joking about his family life — and finally beating the shit out of him on his front lawn at 3:00 A.M. ’cause he got smart on the way home.



#4: A FEMALE friend of mine wants to talk about relationship problems she’s having with her significant other; I respond by:

A) …spending hours listening, sharing tears, and giving good advice.
B) …pretending to be sympathetic, and then offering to share my bed in case she wants to leave him for an hour or two some Saturday night.



#5: While watching the Olympics ice skating competition, I can appreciate:

A) the skill, beauty, coordination, and sheer artistry of these incredible athletes.
B) the fact that most of the guys are faggots, and the women in those short little skirts probably have the tightest asses and most muscular legs I’ve ever seen.



#6: If I wrote a fairy tale, I would include:

A) a handsome prince, a beautiful princess, and a happy ending.
B) a powerful evil king, a harem of big breasted virgins unable to speak, and a climatic Kung Fu fight between naked Swedish fashion models.



#7: I think the pictures from Abu Ghraib were:

A) evil, disgusting, perverted — and they were very damaging to American moral authority abroad.
B) very similar to hazing rituals I participated in at college — and they demonstrated to those murderous sand-niggers that America means business when it comes to punishing people who we suspect might be even remotely related to terrorist activities.



#8: Michael Jackson is…

A) …incredibly gifted and talented, but I wouldn’t let him my children near him.
B) …a goofy monstrous freak, but I’d like to have fifteen minutes locked in a room with him, a whip, and a jar of Vaseline.



#9: Driving through the country, I see a young deer run across the road late at night; I think…

A) …of Bambi — and remember my wonderful childhood.
B) …of Bambi’s mother — and remember I need to clean my 30.06 before November.



#10: Women are a great contribution to the workplace, because…

A) …they balance out the decision-making process by perceiving what men often miss, add a sympathetic emotional approach to customer service, and contribute to a healthy diversity of outlooks and attitudes.
B) …they flirt, wear short skirts, and show lots of cleavage on ‘dress-down’ Fridays. Oh, and somebody has to make coffee and clean up the office kitchen.





SCORING:
For each A, add 1 point.
For each B, add 5 points.

If you scored 10 or less, you’re ALL WOMAN. Estrogen drips from every pore; you can cry at the drop of a hat; you are a mother to birds, animals, and the young — a sister and soul mate to every women you meet, and you can sympathize with inanimate objects.

If you scored between 11 and 30, you’re very CONFUSED — and probably either a repressed homosexual or lesbian. (*To find out, see Homo/Lesbo Test below) You often find yourself fluctuating between being an arrogant, aggressive asshole and a relentless, petty bitch. You can eviscerate another human being in a heartbeat, but then turn around and give them a hug.

If you scored between 31 and 50, you’re ALL MAN. Testosterone drips from every pore. You can get a titanium boner watching sports, violence, Sesame Street, or two dogs fucking in the park. You can drink your weight in beer and still navigate the Ford F-150 into the garage at 4 A.M. You can kick someone’s ass at the drop of a hat; you have no sympathy or compassion for anyone or anything; you tend to see every women you meet as a vagina with legs; you think of Mother Earth as something to exploit, conquer, control and generally fuck over for profit. You love Pro Wrestling, deep-fried pork rinds, and picking your nose while stopped at a red light in traffic. You tend to vote Republican — and if not, you still think Zell Miller would make the best Democratic president in history.

NOTE: Kill yourself now — for the sake of the species and the planet. Thanks in advance.





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* The Supplemental Homo/Lesbo Test

Which of the following would you prefer as the perfect pet?

A) A Siamese cat, a Rottweiller, or an obnoxious talking bird.

B) A big fwuffy kitty, a toy poodle dyed pink, or a young Richard Gere?



SCORING:

If you choose A, you’re a repressed Lesbian.

If you choose B, you’re a repressed Homosexual.



=================



“…Who are the sackers of cities and makers of war? Who massacres the innocent and grinds the faces of the poor? Who are the enslavers, pirates, and vandals? Who the witch-hunters, the inquisitors and torturers? I cannot name them one and all; but this much I know: whatever their names, they will not be names of women. If I walk through a burning village strewn with bodies, I may not know the race or nation of those who committed this crime; but have I any need to enquire after their sex?”

From The Memoirs of Elizabeth Frankenstein by Theodore Roszak



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Another SHARK Test: “ARE YOU A RACIST?”



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About Mark Shark

  • Eric Olsen

    “…what Venus and Mars should have been…”
    Kirkus REviews

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    ROTFL!

  • Shark

    Wow. Kirkus Review was here! I’ll be using THAT on my resume!

  • Eric Olsen

    “NO one expects the Kirkus Inquisition”

  • http://selfaudit.blogspot.com Aaman

    ?? The Kirkus Review was here?? Pl. explain.

  • Eric Olsen

    I explain it by saying I made it all up

  • http://www.angel-and-soulmate-selfhelp.com/blog.html Angela Chen Shui

    Thanks, Shark! LOVED # 6 and the Theodore Roszak quote. ;-)

  • http://birdiefoster.lockergnome.net/blog/ Annie

    The only person on the planet that`d choose #8-B IS Michael Jackson!

  • SFC SKI

    Funny stuff!

  • Shark

    Why is it that no one is posting their scores?

    YOU’RE REQUIRED TO POST YOUR GODAMMED SCORE!

    NOW!

    I DEMAND IT!!

    (umm… mine was a perfect 50. Can you tell…?)

  • http://darkeroticism.blogspot.com swingingpuss

    Darn it Shark – I loved most of the Bs and thought the As to be soppy. Does that make me a testosterone driven babe? Your post had me in splits.

  • daddio

    Hey, what the hell happened? I scored a 100. Of course being a redneck carpenter I don’t like to do math unless I can use a ruler and cheat a little. You know like being a red cunt hair off. That’s approx. 1/32″ by the way.

  • Felix S.

    Shark,

    Took your test and scored in the low 40s but am sure I could have done a lot better. My wife recently left me for a truckdriver so I found it difficult to concentrate. I also feel the grading was too strict.

    Felix S. in Schenectady

  • http://murasaki.blog-city.com Purple Tigress

    I guess these physiological differences only surface in redneck counties in white America?

    Using power tools and being able to hit a target where the heart would be with a semi-automatic and driving stick aren’t factors? Or maybe that’s just urban survival training.

  • Dan

    Hilarious! But as a repressed Lesbian, I find it hard to see the humor in this.

  • http://gratefuldread.net Natalie Davis

    Hmmm. I’m all woman and a repressed homosexual man. OK.

  • http://theugliestamerican.blogspot.com/ andy marsh

    I’m all man and a repressed lesbian! Woo Hoo!

  • Raffyboy

    What the f*** is that quiz anyway!! XD Apparently that I’m a confused repressed lesbian… XD Scored 26! lol! Nice one! :P

  • not telling

    What the fuck do i do on this shit site

  • kuki

    wow…it’s either a good joke or a bad attempt at actually helping people ditermine weather they r a guy or a girl on the inside

  • Rod

    Since I was 4 I thought I was a girl but I have never had the (balls) to do anything about it I have always loved dressing as a woman and going out but the sex change I am frightened

  • Rod

    My brother’s pal kissed me when I was 10 yrs old and I dressed as a girl then I think (I am still a virgin) I should be a woman

  • Rod

    I now dress as a woman every time I can I am now more selective when I get dressed and I have used padding in the right places I have wigs and a lot of dresse and shoes and boots I wish I was a woman

  • http://delibernation.com Silas Kain

    Oh my God. I’m a LESBIAN male. And I’m still straighter than Eric Cantor.

  • http://thingsalongtheway.blogspot.com/ Cindy

    Must be why I like you so much. If there can be lesbian males then maybe I can be gay!

  • http://takeitorleaveit.typepad.com/ roger nowosielski

    I thought you liked Eric, Silas. You two would make a great pair, methinks.

  • http://delibernation.com Silas Kain

    Nah. Men have to be masculine. I’ve no use for men who have their wrists lubricated every 6 weeks. Don’t mean to be so judgmental, but that’s just me. Some of my best friends are queens but they will only be friends – no more, no less. And sometimes friends are better anyway — there’s no performance anxiety.

  • http://takeitorleaveit.typepad.com/ roger nowosielski

    But Silas. Some men like effeminate men, no?

  • ABHIRAJ

    SEXY

  • Anne I was Rod

    Now I am a happy woman do your own thing girls and be happy I am a happy woman

  • Anne

    Have the sex change if you want to become a woman it will let all the tensions out of your body

  • Anne

    Anyone want to talk to a tall red/blonde long haired goddess who wears short leather miniskirts and knee high boots on her fishnets and her low cut blouse that shows her ladies that are beautiful

  • Anne

    Silas I think you would like me and I think I could please you

  • Me

    LOL I scored 30 so I got I’m a repressed lesbian (In the body of a male)

  • Rod I think I will become Anne fully

    I want to be a real woman I want to know all you out there should I have a sex change I want to know will people accept me as a woman and will men find me attractive and someone desire me?

  • ANNE

    I am so confused I want to be a woman and I need some support do any, person want to help me and help me become a woman and I would love him in so many ways

  • Anne

    Hello any person who could love me and I would love them back as much as I could

  • frederic

    what!!
    ..and you can sympathize with inanimate objects.

  • zan

    I’m a girl according to this test or more likely I’m not a jerk

  • lame

    this quiz is very stupid. the questions only represent the minority of each gender and should not be taken seriously.. “you dont fuck her face” really??!! im pretty sure males care a LOR about what a woman looks like!! and in multiple polls the majority have said the most important quality to them is a womans smile. and this is coming from a man-hater.. just get a more valid set a questions because whoever made this looks really uneducated.

  • lame

    *LOT not LOR..
    and sorry for the insensitivity. i cant help it.

  • I

    How can you score below the 10?
    So there’s only one change of being a woman, that is every question answering with one.

  • BloodyNight

    A female with All Male. Good.