Is there a connection between being beautiful and being brave enough to own that beauty; to have people look at you and be the center of attention? I ask that because more than once when I was getting my looks together, something would happen to undo that. People who are beautiful or handsome have people looking at them all day long and projecting stuff onto them good and bad. I’m not saying that I’m beautiful but when I was starting to look good I’d be surprised by the irrational anger and jealousy from other females. I always got along well with other women so that knocked me for a loop. I had to get into my forties to take certain kinds of coldness and pissiness as compliments. Not that that happens a lot but when it does I don’t let it bother me. It’s a problem when the people stirred up by you have some kind of power over you. Thankfully I’m not working for anyone, but it’s just bad when I get banned from Asian restaurants because the owners are jealous of my clothes and my bustline.
I still have a lot of problems with my looks and I wonder how much of this is a deeply buried fear of attention? Attention looks so good from the outside but when you’re in it, you’re in a sea of faces all looking at you with their expectations. You have to be fairly tough to play that for your benefit rather than getting sucked down by it. You have to be in your forties, by which time it’s getting late.
I wonder about people who are incredibly beautiful. How can they stand to be that way in this world? Are they tougher than anyone? Are they protected by something I’m not? Are they blessed or are they just not afraid? How do you get to be beautiful?