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Are You a Blogcritic? Take the Test!

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Take the Test!

1) I started my own blog because:

a) I’m over thirty, still live in my mother’s basement, and she never listens to me — even when I’m off my meds.
b) I’m under thirty, have lots of friends, but no one understands me.
c) my incredibly boring life sounds much more interesting in print.
d) I hope to be the next “Drudge”.

2) I’m qualified to write for 400,000 readers a week because:

a) a number of my family members think my poetry chapbook “rocks.”
b) I have nothing to say, but I’m very articulate.
c) they’re probably just as bored and barely literate as I am.
d) I really do know the Top 100 Guitarists. Really.

3) My favorite phrase is:

a) Well Duh!
b) Grow up!
c) Ignore him; he’s just another troll!
d) I refuse to undertake a battle of wits with an unarmed man.

4) I refer to my political opponents as:

a) Liberal, leftist America haters
b) Right-wing Christian Fascists
c) Nazis (can either be liberal or conservative)
d) window-lickin’ asswipe motards.

5) I think the greatest threat to the future of America is:

a) gay marriage, abortion, and Satan’s control of all popular culture
b) Pat Robertson, George W. Bush, and Satan’s control of all branches of government
c) the biased mass media (can either be liberal or conservative)
d) high taxes, government regulations, and people who’ve never read Ayn Rand

6) I grew up with:

a) classic films, great books, all types of music, and an unquenchable thirst for knowledge.
b) Pokemon, role-playing games, video games, and chronic Attention Deficit Disorder.
c) a deep insecurity and lack of self-esteem.
d) a family of violent, perverted, meth-addicted televangelists.

7) My religious beliefs can be summed up by saying:

a) Just read John 3:16 …and all you others can go to Hell!
b) I’m not religious, but I am very spiritual.
c) I’ve thought about joining a Wiccan cult group — just to get laid once in a while.
d) God made me highly skeptical.

8) Most of my personal blog is about:

a) Pop culture, especially new movies, books, and CDs.
b) Politics, especially the latest long-term solutions offered by both major parties.
c) what I did last night with my alcoholic, sexually-diseased friends.
d) pets.

9) At my high school, Community Junior College, or some obscure minor university, I was:

a) a journalist
b) an editor
c) a columnist
d) all of the above — …okay, screw you; I used to proofread marketing materials for my local Meals on Wheels.

10) Although I had those wonderful, professional-type experiences, I’m currently:

a) a computer techie who wants to be an entrepreneur someday.
b) a stay-at-home mom who is working on the next Great American Novel.
c) a musician living off my girlfriend.
d) unemployed — and about one stroke of bad luck away from getting a high-powered rifle and finding a nearby water tower with a good view of passing school buses.

11) If I were to name one of my personality faults that could have a negative impact on Blogcritics.org, it would be:

a) I’m racist.
b) I’m a homophobe.
c) I’m a misogynist.
d) I can Google, cut, and paste like a motherfucker!

12) Among the following, the most important subject for me to write about for Blogcritics readers would be:

a) a disaster that killed thousands of innocent Americans.
b) the threat of nuclear destruction from Fascist rogue-states.
c) the ongoing debate about the aging population, threats to Social Security, and various attempts to increase health insurance.
d) J. Lo’s latest music video.

13) If I could wave a wand and exterminate one person without guilt, punishment, or retribution, I would pick:

a) Osama Bin Laden
b) George W. Bush
c) President Chavez AND Pat Robertson
d) the dude who left Slash off The 100 Top Guitarists List. Idiot.



a = 1
b = 2
c = 3
d = 4

0-13 — Go back to that proofreading job.
14-26 — You belong over at FreeRepublic or CodePink.
27-35 — You belong in an insane asylum. Let’s hope they don’t allow you access to a keyboard and a modem.
36+ — You’re not a Blogcritics writer: you should be contributing to the Mensa Newsletter.


Other Sharkian Questions for the Curious:
“ARE YOU A RACIST? Take the Test!”

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About Mark Shark

  • Well, I scored over 36 — but being a Mensan means I’m smart enough not to associate with those boring nerds!

    (Besides, they’re entirely too likely to call me on my BS…)

  • woot!!! I got a 3. But really I got a 25.

  • This is the best thing on the Internet. We should all stop right now.

  • Aw, the Shark (bottom-feeder that he is) is just trying to hijack the all the clueless folks who comment (up to 136 today) on the “how to sign up” post.

    Oops, forgot I typed a few comments in there myself. Scratching out the adjective…

  • No, I think he’s smart. Somebody said on another thread that sharks are still evolving so they’re not perfect.

    I have to humbly disagree.

  • I like the fact that NO score actually qualifies you to be a blogcritic.

    Despite his many shortcomings and scoring at least 60 on his own test, Shark has once again proven that he is at least sometimes moderately amusing.


  • Sharky’s just clever like that. He’s the best. Can I give your phone number to my moms?

  • Timmy

    I’m pretty sure that Shark is in high school.

  • Shark

    Dear “Timmy” — which, ironically — is not the name of an adult:

    They wouldn’t let me in High School; the Vice Principal said I would be a “detriment to the school and the community.”

    I put it on my resume.

    BTW: that was almost 40 years ago.

    window-lickin’…. mumble mumble…


    Dave says I’m “moderately amusing”. That’s equivalent to saying “I didn’t HATE it.”

    Dave, you want me and you know it.


    DrP, on the hijacking accusation; any guesses as to how many people show up, take the test, and expect some legitimate, official results from Mr. Olsen?


    Like he needs more emails.

  • Baronius

    I grew up with classic films, Pokemon, and meth, and it certainly had no ill effects.

  • Baronius aside: “Ignore the occasional twitch…”

  • Shark

    Baronius, um, yer not my wife… are ya?

    Katy? You usin’ another screen name? Jeez, I thought you were in bed!

  • OHMYGOD!!!! Shark has come. Praise Jesus. Like honey from heaven. We are mere mortals. My day is complete now. My life. How could I have been so blind to the artistry of Shark? Considering. I’m wide awake now. Shark’s writings deserve only praise. I have seen the error of my ways, but am not worthy of forgiveness. Yeeeah. Picture me clapping my hands. I’m so so happy.

    — —
    0 0
    { | }
    { }
    { }
    \ /

  • Oh boo I wanted my smiley for you face to work for you. Oh well. Giddy …

  • Shark

    Temple, *this always works for me:

    [insert smiley face here]

    *Sorry ’bout the advice; lawd knows I don’t wanna appear a smarty-pants in your eyes.

    Just tryin’ to be helpful.

  • And here I thought the emoticon was a sideways shark…

  • Shark, Fuck me with a blockquote, that post is a TOTAL CLASSIC.

  • Shark, THAT was awesome. I wish I had some Depends before I read this one but WalMart’s shelves were empty.

  • Underneath it all Shark has a good head, humor and the soul of a fox.

  • RJ

    Can you still be a BlogCritic if you don’t know how to close HTML “center” tags?

  • Holy crap, me score 247. Me really smart.

  • Eric Olsen

    Sharky, you’re on a roll – imagine if you ever put all that ability toward the betterment of mankind.

  • Timmy


    Almost 40 years ago? You’re pretty old to be so bitter.

    Here’s a thought: Shark is the Sean Hannity of BlogCritics. Most everyone who posts feels obligated to kiss his ass.

  • That’s because we all appreciate the finery of it as we kiss it, Timmy.

  • Mr. Timmy, you clearly know not of what you speak.

    Oh, and those who are young and bitter usually are trying to be fashionable. Those who are old and bitter generally have justification for it.

  • I’m old and bitter but I can be very sweet.

  • with karate ill kik ur ass

    well i couldnt really answering any of those questions since im under 18.

    ronald C mckito

    r u by any chance from scotland?

  • Shark

    EricOlsen: “Sharky… imagine if you ever put all that ability toward the betterment of mankind.”


  • And did mankind get any better, Shark?

  • What kind of no-Al-content bullshit is this? I should be a choice under question 13.

  • RogerMDillion

    “I should be a choice under question 13.”

    But then it wouldn’t be multiple choice

  • Why thank you Roger.

  • I’m not old and bitter, I’m just pickled…

  • Egad! I missed this in my best-of-satire post for 2005. My apologies

  • Shark

    Aaman, you missed A LOT.


  • I scored 32.

    Oh no! That makes me Mary reborn literally!!