Recently there was a rash of crimes involving a sword instead of the more traditional firearm – or maybe there was a rash of media fascination with pointy-thing-related crimes. It might also just be a rash.
Getting It All Sworded Out
It’s a familiar story: boy meets girl, girl tells him to leave, boy goes after girl with a sword. A guy in Salt Lake County, Utah unsheathed a sword at his woman, who in turn picked up a bat. She’d told him to move out and left, but when she came back he was drunk and punched her several times.
The only image Google could come up with for “sword” and “bat.”
That’s when she picked up the bat, he picked up the sword, she picked up the phone to call the police, and the police picked him up out of his backyard where he’d been hiding.
Remember that, kids: drunken people suck at hiding from the cops.
Sorry, I Meth-ed Up
Elsewhere in Salt Lake, a man was asked to leave a residence because he was smoking methamphetamine. He plucked a large, blunt sword from a neighbor's garden and threatened to kill the group of people who’d asked him to leave.
Sword fern? Seriously, who the hell is in charge of the clip art around here?
It isn’t known how the sword got in the garden or how the man knew it was there. Local horticulturists were of no help and further wanted to know why meth-head didn’t opt for the equally lethal throwing of a gnome or the less lethal but still newspaper-worthy flinging of stinging nettle.
I’d Like to Buy the World Some Coke
In Kirkcaldy, United Kingdom, Andrew Smith and James Crawford used a samurai sword and a telescopic baton to kill Alan Cruikshank in his bed. Smith owed Mr. Cruikshank a lot of money for drugs Cruikshank had given him to sell to others.
Different kind of powder.
Actual quote from Smith: “Can I plead insanity because I was a bit out of my face at the time with coke?" Smith has been jailed for life.
Trying to Get a Foothold
Elsewhere in the United Kingdom, Rodney Barnes donned a helmet before using a samurai-type sword to stab his neighbor in the foot. The neighbor had returned from a wedding when Barnes asked him if his car was an illegal taxi. After he was told it wasn’t, Barnes took off the helmet and attacked his neighbor.
My dream of being a city code enforcing podiatrist is ruined, but safety first!
Barnes is said to suffer from depression and alcohol problems, but it’s a good bet there’s more going on here than any sad alcoholic could account for.
Tuck and Roll
In Phoenix, Arizona, James Alden Tuck used a three-foot sword to try to attack officers who had responded to a call that someone had a knife. Police found Tuck in his apartment lying on his tummy. He refused to respond to the officer's request that he move.
Oh my god! I stabbed myself in the colon – again!
At first, the officers couldn’t tell if Tuck was hiding anything, but then he jumped up and started waving the sword around at the police. He did agree to put the sword down when officers asked him to do so.
Police are still trying to locate the witness who made the call. The witness may require some optical care since there is about a two-and-a-half-foot difference between what the witness thought s/he saw and what Tuck was wielding.
Splay it Again, Sam
Repeat offender, Donald D. Rice of Baltimore, Maryland, had only been out of a jail a few days when he was killed by John Pontolillo. Rice broke into Pontolillo’s garage. Pontolillo, whose home had been robbed just hours earlier, armed himself with a samurai sword before investigating noise coming from his garage.
Not that kind of rice, but if he was a food he probably wouldn’t agree with you.
Rice lunged at Pontolillo, and Pontolillo got Rice with what police called a “spear laceration.” Rice died at the scene. It isn’t known if Pontolillo will be charged or not.
In Shepparton, Australia, Christopher John Maddox went after William Woods with a samurai sword and a modified nail gun because Woods told Maddox he’d done something to his daughter he shouldn’t have. Maddox told police that Bert, Maddox’s imaginary friend since age two, stepped in to finish the attack on Woods.
Saddle up, boys. We’re goin’ in!
Maddox told authorities, "What Bert says goes." Doctors haven’t yet been able to diagnose Maddox’s mental illness. Maybe Ernie knows.