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Phillip Winn — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 12:00:00 EDT

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The Rocky 5 Plus One: The Worst College Football Programs Of 2006

Sal Marinello — Mon, 8 Jan 2007 22:49:10 EST

The Rocky 5 feature here at Blogcritics – named after the worst movie of all time - was created to point out all of the really bad teams that exist in the world of Division 1 college football, and served as a tonic for those of us who are sick and tired of all of the repetitive “who’s number one” nonsense that dominates the discourse during the college football season.As we got into the first few weeks of the season I realized that there were so many crap college football programs out there that deserved derision, I added a team to the mix and the feature became the Rocky 5 Plus One. I fully realize that there were many bad, rotten, putrid, fetid, foul and rancid teams out there this year. However, this poll is concerned with the bad programs, the perennially losers and the perpetually putrid, and not the teams that have had a bad year or two. Also, the teams from the better conferences always get harsher treatment than do teams from conferences like the Sun Belt and such.The First Rocky 5 poll looked like this; Duke, Temple, Buffalo, Syracuse and Kent State. Basically nobody ever threatened the top-three turds - Duke, Temple and Buffalo - and is why after Week 6 of the season I abandoned this exercise in the obvious. Duke, Temple, and Buffalo are clearly head and shoulders above the worst of the worst teams. These teams not only lost games, they lost games in ways that only true losers could pull off. Pathetic.There is no way that there is a worse Division 1 sports program than Duke Blow Devil football. Hands down the disaster in Durham is unprecedented as Duke - a major university with a commitment to athletic excellence – year after year allows this embarrassing product to be put on the field bearing the Duke Blue Devil logo. This is inexcusable. With the money and power possessed by Duke, there is no way that this football team should be this bad. Including the 2000 season, Duke has won 9 games and has had three winless seasons including this season’s “0-fer.” This goes beyond just being bad, this record is the result of total neglect by the entire university administration.If the administration ever decides to make football a priority Duke could overcome their recent history, become a competitive program and possibly turn into a desirable place to coach and play. Given the goings on in Durham, this is a big “If.”If Rutgers was able turn their program around, Duke certainly can. And if Wake Forest managed to build a winning team in Winston-Salem, Duke can do it in Durham.Duke is the worst program in all of college football, regardless of the division, and deserves much scorn and derision.The Temple Bowels started the year as the second worst program in college football, and if not for some truly uninspired work by the Blow Devils, Temple at 1-11 would be the nation’s worst program.Since the start of the millennium the Bowels have won 12 games and have given a new meaning to the word non-competitive. The Bowels have been so bad that a couple of years ago the Big East kicked Temple out of the conference. That’s bad. This season Temple was outscored by an average of 30 points per game, allowed opponents to score 40 or more points 9 times, with three of those teams scoring more than 60 points…all losses of course.Temple’s downward spiral is such that you have to wonder if they will ever be able to pull out of it. Despite the hire of recruiting whiz Al Golden, the stench of stench in Philadelphia will keep the vast majority of good players away. Given the rising quality and visibility of Division 1-AA football, good players posed with the choice of going to Temple or a decent 1-AA program will probably choose winning over stinking. As a matter of fact, Villanova runs a very good D-1AA program a stone’s throw from Temple and would be a much better choice for a kid who wants to play football in the City of Brotherly Love.To paraphrase W.C. Fields, “Better anywhere then in Philadelphia for D-1 college football.”It might seem to go against my stated philosophy of not picking on teams from lesser conferences, but the 2-10 University of Buffalo Blows of the MAC have been so bad since they started D-1 football in 1999 that they can’t be ignored. The Blows have only won 12 games since they rejoined the big time. Really, there’s no reason for this school to continue playing D-1 football. They can’t compete. They are a god-awful team in a lousy conference and they don’t have a shot. Surely the school can find something better to spend all of this money on. It’s bad enough that Buffa-blow is terrible – and that everyone knows that they’re terrible – but then they go and schedule Auburn, Boston College and Wisconsin. This isn’t brave or admirable or helping the team to get better, this is lunacy.The Illinois Non-Fighting Illini at 2-10 deserve to be recognized as being one of the 6 worst football programs in the nation. They possess all of the great features of a failed program; a bad hire at head coach, constant discipline problems, dismal performance over a 4-year period and being a big time university in a big time conference.Illinois is embarrassingly bad. Since a 10 win season and a Sugar Bowl appearance in 2001, the Non-Fighting Illini have only won 13 games. Ron Zook was bad as Florida’s head coach and has been abysmal in Champaign. This season the Illini beat a D-1AA team and Big Ten rag Michigan State. Losers like Illinois don’t get credit for losing close games – like they did against Ohio State – simply because they are losers.One more year of Zook will set the Illini program back 5 more years and will give Illinois a chance to rival Duke in terms of on-field suckiness. Here’s another instance of where kids would be better off going to a good D-1AA school rather than toil in obscurity and shame at a D-1 embarrassment. The Bleak Knights of Army from West Point are next on the list of flat-out crap football programs. I’m as patriotic as anyone – and I admire the grit and courage that West Pointers possess – but the fact is that Army’s football program is gruesomeness on the gridiron.Since we started the millennium the Bleak Knights have won only 14 games despite playing a less than top-notch schedule. And even though the Knights don’t currently play in a conference, they are West Point, for goodness sakes. They should be able to field a competitive football team. They don’t have to be world-beaters – not on the football field anyway – but Army shouldn’t get beat by the likes of Rice, Tulane, and Arkansas State. They’re ARMY for crying out loud. Disband the program or get better.The other service academies have suffered through some down phases, but no other service academy has had as miserable of a stretch as Army has since the 2000 season. And for these reasons, Army qualifies as one of the six worst football programs in the country.Last and kind of least we round out the list with the Mississippi Stank Bulldogs and their 3 wins per year. And if it weren’t for teams like Tulane and Jacksonville State, the Bulldogs would be lucky to get 2 wins in some years. Playing in the SEC isn’t a picnic, but Mississippi Stank hasn’t shown any improvement under head coach Sylvester Croom.Stank probably caused Mike Shula to lose his job by beating Alabama 24-16, but that doesn’t change six years of history, and they deserve to get noticed and should face the same kind of derision faced by Illinois for being a consistent loser in a big time conference. As a matter of fact, Stank’s loss to Tulane off-sets whatever positive that could come from beating the Tide.Looking at the Bulldogs season there aren’t many positives to build on and considering their losing history there’s little reason to believe they will turn things around anytime soon. There hasn’t been spectacular failure in Starkville, but being the doormat of the SEC for this many years without being competitive qualifies Mississippi Stank to round out the Rocky 5 Plus One.Granted there are other teams that might have been worse in 2006, but who really cares about Eastern Michigan (yet another putrid MAC team), Utah State, Florida International, Stanford (in another year or two maybe) or other lousy teams from the lesser conferences. Big name teams from the big conferences – or teams with a proud history – get all the glory when things are going well, so it’s only fair that they get kicked when they are down.

Sal Marinello is a National Strength and Conditioning Association Certified Strength and Conditioning Specialist and Certified Personal Trainer, a U.S.A. Weightlifting Certified Coach, a full-time, private Professional Strength and Conditioning Coach, an assistant football coach and a Head Strength Coach for a suburban New Jersey High School. He writes a lot and has no free time.

The Rocky 5, Week 7: A Putrid Miasma Featuring Temple, Duke, Illinois, Buffalo, and Eastern Michigan

Sal Marinello — Fri, 20 Oct 2006 00:14:55 EDT

The positive slant that I used last week in discussing the worst programs in the nation didn’t seem to help any of the Rocky 5 in their games last weekend. However, Indiana pulled off a huge upset and won their second game in a row, thereby earning a dismissal from this list of dismal teams.So there’s no change to the Rocky 5 this week. In case you missed the headline, here’s the list.1)Temple Bowels2) Duke Doormats3) Illinois Non-Fighting Illini4) Buffalo Blows5) Eastern Michigan FecalsThe team formerly known as the “Plus One” team, is now going to be referred to as “The Cliffhanger” team in honor of Sly Stallone’s celluloid disaster of the same name.So this week we welcome the Stanford Stiffs to the party as "The Cliffhanger."At the top of this heap of gridiron garbage nobody should be surprised that the Bowels were beaten like a rented mule 63-9 by the nationally ranked Clemson Tigers. The Bowels have lost 19 games in a row and will probably lose their 20th in a row this week. In their 7 losses Temple has given up 62 points or more three times and 40 or more twice.This week the Bowels visit beautiful DeKalb, Illinois where they will face-off against future MAC mate, the Northern Illinois Huskies.The Doormats were beaten like a rented drum 51-24 by Florida State. There’s nothing worth discussing here except that Duke has lost 14 straight and this week will host a severely diminished – due to the “Coker Effect” and to suspensions - Miami Hurricane team. In years past Miami’s walk-ons could have beaten the Blow Devils by 40 points, let’s see if the Hurricanes can at least feast on a super-inferior team.Illinois under the “direction” of Ron Zook took another huge step backwards last week by losing to the Ohio Bobcats - of the MAC - 20-17 on a last second field goal. The details of the game are too depressing for me to relay, so you can read the game account for yourself. But suffice to say that Zook should be fired immediately in the hope that his taint can be removed from this formerly competitive program. For every game that Zook isn’t given the hook – whether they win or lose - the Non-Fighting Illini will be set back a year.As a matter of fact, whoever hired Zook in the first place should be fired as well. This week they play Penn State Nittany Lions, who are down to their third string quarterback. A storm-induced snow delay couldn’t help Buffalo overcome their own suckiness as they were outscored in the fourth quarter and lost at home to Miami of Oxford Ohio – a previously winless, lousy MAC team - 38-31. Due to the fact that nobody cares about this game, details of it are not easily found. The Blows face the Ohio Bobcats this week who – in a game mentioned above - are coming off a win against Illinois, the third turd in this poll.In their first week in the Rocky 5, EMU kept it close and even led the game 21-17 going into the fourth quarter, before losing to the Bowling Green Falcons 24-21. The Falcons scored very early in the final stanza, but the Fecals were unable to muster any offense in their futile attempt to win the game.The MAC keeps cropping up when we talk about the worst football teams in America. The mavens that run the conference must be so pleased to have Temple joining the fray next for next season so they can call at least two of the five worst teams in the nation their own.Our new member, The Cliffhanger team, is the Stanford Stiffs of the Pac 10. The Stiffs have been awful all year, but really outdid themselves to earn a spot in this week's poll.In their loss to Arizona, Stanford’s only points came in the third quarter on an interception return for a touchdown and their offense could only muster 4 first downs and 53 total yards for the entire game.Aside from a 35-34 loss to San Jose State back in Week 2, Stanford has not been in a close game all season, and besides their loss to Arizona have given up over 30 points per game while scoring on average only 11 points. Looking ahead, the Stiffs are a better than even money bet to go 0-12.Our Rocky 5 – and the Cliffhanger - may play in some close games this week, but if I were a betting man I’d say that we’ll be talking about these same 6 teams next week. But as the old saying goes, “That’s why they play ‘em.” So we’ll see you back here next week and continue to beat this dead horse.

The Rocky 5, Week 6: Temple, Duke, Illinois, Buffalo, Eastern Michigan

Sal Marinello — Thu, 12 Oct 2006 23:32:05 EDT

Rather than just recount the foul goings on among the worst football programs in the nation, I’m going to find something positive to say about each team in this week’s poll.Here’s the Rocky 5 for Week 6. Utah State is out, but they’ll be back, and Indiana is still the “Plus One” team despite their 2-point win over fellow Big 10 and fellow Rocky 5er embarrassment Illinois.1) Temple Bowels2) Duke Doormats3) Illinois Non-Fighting Illini4) Buffalo Blows5) Eastern Michigan FecalsAnd the “Plus One” team is still the Indiana Loosiers.Last week the tainted Temple Bowels lost to the former Rocky 5er Kent State Golden Flashes, 28-17. The Bowels actually had the lead early in the game, but only could muster 194 yards of total offense and allowed their quarterback to be sacked 6 times, and lost as they always do. As I write this on Thursday night, the Bowels are losing 49-3 to Clemson at the half. UPDATE: The Bowels wound up losing 63-9, their 19th straight loss. On a positive note, football legend Glenn “Pop” Warner coached at Temple from 1933-1938 and had a 31-18-9 record, and in the mid-1980s Temple’s John Rienstra (OL-1985) and Paul Palmer (RB-1986) were Consensus All-Americans.The Doormats from Durham scared the heck out of everybody in the state of Alabama last week when they led the Crimson Tide at the half by the score of 16-14. However, the Tide woke up and saved Coach Shula’s job by scoring 20 unanswered points to beat Duke by the score of 30-16.On a positive note, Duke has had 4 Consensus All-Americans since 1933, the most recent being wide receiver Clarkston Hines in 1989. Also, the Blow Devils won 5 Southern Conference championships and won at least 7 games per season from 1933-1941. Last week the Non-Fighting Illini of Illinois lost a 34-32 barn-burner to fellow Rocky 5er Indiana Loosiers. Illinois was up 25-7 in the second quarter, but since they are really awful they couldn’t hold the lead and of course wound up losing. Indiana kicked a last second field goal to put everyone out of their misery. For their troubles -- and for making people spend time watching and covering this game -- both teams remain in the Rocky 5.On a positive note, Illinois has had 18 Consensus All-Americans since 1914. Among this list of august Illini alumni are football legends Red Grange (1923-25) and Dick Butkus (1963-64). Among the non-Consensus All-Americans at Illinois are Hugh Hefner and Roger Ebert. The Illini actually won something called the Micron PC Bowl in 1999 by beating Virginia, 63-21.The Buffalo Blows lost a horrible game to a not-great Ball State team by the score of 55-25. The Blows trailed 45-3 early in the third quarter. I kind of thought Buffalo might have had a chance to win this game since they went down to Auburn and didn’t get totally destroyed. I was obviously wrong.On a positive note Buffalo eliminated football in 1971.This week we welcome the Eastern Michigan Fecals to the Rocky 5. The Fecals have been on the lousy side of mediocre for a good long time, but really seem to be making the push to be all-out crap this season. They lost to Louisiana-Lafayette last week 33-14.EMU has lost a couple of close games this season, but they have the look of a team that is going nowhere fast; they are in the MAC, they are 0-5 and it looks like an 0-12 is happening and they are ranked last offensively in their offensive conference. On a positive note, EMU was 10-2 in 1987, won the MAC and beat San Jose State in the California Bowl. Also, former football coach and athletic director Dr. Lloyd Olds is thought to have invented the zebra-striped shirt worn by referees since 1914.Last but not least, the Indiana Loosiers are not going to get out of this poll just because they beat Illinois 34-32. As I’ve mentioned since the beginning of this feature, we’re recognizing really bad programs, not just really bad teams in a given year. So not only will Indiana be around for a while, don’t be surprised if you see Utah State crop back up. And Mississippi State is really looking like they deserve to be in the mix as well.But back to Indiana, and on a positive note, in 1967 the Hoosiers rebounded from a 1-8-1 record to go 9-2 and win the Big 10, to earn the Hoosiers their first ever bowl trip. They lost to USC in the Rose Bowl, 14-3. Anthony Thompson, the Hoosiers all-time leading rusher, finished second to Andre Ware in the 1989 Heisman Trophy voting.Over the first 6 weeks of the season some of the teams that have been mentioned here have responded to the negativity and won games nobody thought that they could win. I can’t wait to see what this week brings.

The Rocky 5, Week 5: Temple, Duke, Utah State, Illinois, Buffalo

Sal Marinello — Fri, 6 Oct 2006 09:28:19 EDT

Here’s the Rocky 5 for week 5. Illinois might have won, but they still stink.1) Temple Bowels1) Duke Doormats3) Utah State Agonies4) Illinois Non-Fighting Illini5) Buffalo BlowsAnd the “Plus One” team is the Indiana LoosiersWe’ll start at the top of the bottom with Temple, losers once again this week keeping it distant as they got lambasted 43-14 by Vanderbilt. As usual with the Bowels, they never had a chance once the coin was flipped and trailed 24-0 before they caught the Vandy defense napping and scored on a 78-yard run as time ran out in the first half.The Bowels managed 270 total yards -- 122 yards on the ground -- but if you take out the lucky 78-yard run Temple’s numbers are just as putrid as usual. Without this one run the Bowels total yardage was 198, with 48 rushing yards on 33 carries. Add in 3 turnovers and you’ve got a whole lot of “Yuk.”This week Temple hosts former Rocky 5 member Kent State and will surely get beat once again.Now let’s move on to the Duke Doormats who are redefining the word "inept" as it applies to football and deserve to be recognized as the co-worst program in all of college football. Duke managed to “gain” 100 yards on 61 total plays, with minus one yard coming on the ground in their 37-0 loss to a bad University of Virginia team. From news accounts, most of these yards were “earned” in the fourth quarter when -- as usual for Duke -- the outcome of the game had already been decided. Duke also managed to account for 5 turnovers and 7 first downs on offense. Wow, what an attack.This week Duke travels to Alabama where they will be trounced by the Crimson Tide. By the way, if Alabama loses to Duke Alabama Head Coach Mike Shula should be fired on the spot before he can even get his headphones off. If Duke beats Alabama the state trooper that always escorts head coaches off of the field after games should just take Shula right out the tunnel, into the parking lot and to his car. Bye-bye.Utah State stays in the number 3 spot this week as a result of losing at home to the Idaho Vandals 41-21 despite being up 14-0 early in the game. On a bright note for the Agonies, the resignation of their offensive coordinator last week seems to have been a good move as Utah State had -- for them -- an offensive explosion.But as losers do, after being up 14-0 early the Agonies gave up 41 unanswered points to an Idaho team that had only scored a total of 54 points in the previous 4 games.This week the Agonies will host a Fresno State team that has underachieved this season, and that will be licking its chops at the prospects of feasting on the defenseless -- and offenseless -- Agonies.Next... Despite the fact that they were 26-point dawgs, despite the fact that they won their first Big 10 game since 2004, despite the fact that their win was one of the biggest upsets of the season and despite the fact that they beat Michigan State 23-20, Illinois is still rock solid as the number 4 team in the Rocky 5. One win against a below-average intra-conference rival doesn’t change the fact that Illinois stinks and that the Illini program is an embarrassment.Serving as an illustration of the decrepitude of the Illinois program is the fracas that ensued after they won the game. Showing what good sports that they are, the Illinois players attempted to plant their flag at mid-field in Lansing. This kind of character insures that Ron Zook and his Non-Fighting Illini will be losers for years to come. That is if Ron Zook is still around.The fifth place Buffalo Blows had the week off, but come back this week with a chance to win a game as they host the 1-4 Ball State Cardinals. The loser of this game could spend the rest of the season in the MAC conference’s cellar. A week off after getting pasted by Auburn two weeks ago could really help Buffalo. Speaking of losers, your Indiana Loosiers dishonored themselves in a 52-17 loss to Wisconsin last week. Wisconsin ran through the Loosiers like Grant ran through Atlanta rolling up 540 total yards. In every category Wisconsin players posted impressive stats as Indiana was outclassed in every phase of the game.This week Indiana and Illinois will hook up in Champaign for the unofficially designated “Crap Bowl.” As far as the Rocky 5 goes, this game will not have much impact on the rankings as both teams are an embarrassment to major college/major conference football. A fitting resolution to this game would be if it ended in a 0-0 tie and is called on account of awfulness after 10 overtime periods in which each team missed 10 field goals. One can always hope…Until next week.

The Rocky 5, Week 4: Temple, Duke, Utah State, Illinois, and Buffalo

Sal Marinello — Fri, 29 Sep 2006 00:16:12 EDT

Here’s this week’s Rocky 5.1) Temple Bowels2) Duke Blow Devils3) Utah State Agonies4) Illinois Non-Fighting Illini5) Buffalo BlowsAnd the “Plus One” team is your Indiana Loosiers.If you’re paying attention, you’ll notice that Utah State is making their first appearance in our poll, as the Agonies vault into the number 3 position based on the weakness of their horrendous effort over the first four weeks of the season. In case you’ve missed it, the Agonies are winless in four tries, rank last in the nation in scoring -- which happens when you haven’t scored an offensive point after 4 games -- and are last in total offense. Utah State has been outscored 144-7; their defense scored on an interception against Wyoming back in the first week of the season.To make matters worse the program has been in disarray since before the season started as a series of drug charges involving a bunch of Agonies have resulted in suspensions and indicate an overall lack of discipline in the program. And this past Monday their offensive coordinator resigned citing “philosophical differences” with the head coach as the reason. I guess the head coach’s philosophy involved scoring points.And for those of you who are interested, Utah State has won 13 games in 4-plus seasons, and a horridly non-competitive 0-12 finish for the year is quite probable. Benvenuto, Utah State!This brings us to our other new member, the “Plus One” team, Indiana Loosiers. The Loosiers are 2-2 so far this season, and have been contending with some serious team turmoil due the illness of their head coach. However, this team has stunk for years and shows no signs of getting better.Last week Indiana lost to UConn by the score of 14-7, and from the accounts of the game that I’ve read it sounds like this contest may have set football back 60 years. The Loosiers mustered zero yards rushing on 15 carries for an average yards per rush of -- let me do the math here -- ZERO! Their passing game wasn’t much better as two quarterbacks went 20-43 for 192 yards and 3 interceptions. Putrid, thy name is Indiana Loosiers football.Two weeks ago Indiana lost to D-1AA Southern Illinois and the week before barely beat a terrible Ball State (MAC Conference) team. Looking ahead, the Loosiers only hope for a win is against fellow Big-10 member and fellow Rocky 5 member Illinois Non-Fighting Illini. Feestelijk inhalen, Loosiers!Back at the top of the poll the Temple Bowels lost 41-7 to Western Michigan in solid, turd-like fashion. The Bowels turned the ball over 4 times and only managed 149 total yards, nine of which were the result of their running game averaging .3 yards - that's point three yards - per carry (that’s 29 carries for those of you who don’t want to do the math). This week Temple travels to Vanderbilt to play a game that both really bad teams will have a chance to win.The Duke Blow Devils didn’t lose last week! That’s because they didn’t play. And in a very sad development for the ACC, the Blow Devils will actually have a chance to win this Saturday as they face off at home against a very bad University of Virginia squad.Illinois solidified their hold on the fourth spot in our poll as they stumbled their way to a 24-7 loss to the sleepwalking Iowa Hawkeyes. Even though Iowa seemed as disinterested as a $20 a trick hooker on a $1000 night they never were challenged by the Ill. The Ill rolled up over 300 yards of total offense, but none of it came when the game really mattered. The 4 turnovers they committed did matter though.No matter which team wins on October 7 – Indiana or Illinois – both teams will remain in the Rocky 5 because teams from conferences like the Big 10 should never, ever be this bad and non-competitive.The Buffalo Blows dropped to the fifth spot despite getting creamed by Auburn in Auburn. I’ll give the Blows credit for traveling into very hostile territory just so that they can make some money and get some exposure while getting their asses kicked. Actually, Buffalo fought the whole game and made Auburn work a little bit on the way to the blow out. After getting pasted by the number 2 team in the nation Buffalo’s next three opponents -- Ball State, Miami from Oxford, Ohio and Ohio -- will look even worse than the awful MAC teams they really are, and should give Buffalo a chance to win all three games. However, if the Blows don’t win games against these MAC patsies, they will be in the Rocky 5 for good.We wish former Rocky 5 Plus One members – Kent State and Mississippi State - well in their efforts to stop sucking. Kent State has won 2 games now and has a chance to get out of the MAC Conference’s basement, which is kind of like being in Norman Bates’ basement. Based on the Golden Flashes winning efforts they may actually have a chance to win 5 or 6 games and maybe turn their program around as a result.Mississippi State beat UAB last week in a close game to get out of our dog house, while other bad teams played a lot worse and earned a spot in our poll. However, things don’t look as rosy for the Bulldogs as they do for Kent State, and it’s quite possible that Mississippi State will be back with us before the season is over.We’ll see you next week and recap the worst football games played on Division 1 football fields throughout this great land of ours.

The Rocky 5, Week 3: Temple, Duke, Buffalo, Illinois, Kent State

Sal Marinello — Thu, 21 Sep 2006 00:31:17 EDT

There was a ton of bad football played last weekend by hundreds of NCAA Division I football players, and we’re here to recognize those who tragically gave their all and have so little to show for it. There’s so much badness to go around that the Rocky 5 is going to have a sixth member that will be referred to as the “plus one” team until the next Rocky movie is released and we can officially change the title of this poll to the Rocky 6.First off let’s bid a fond Rocky 5 adieu to Syracuse as we dismiss the Orangemen for soundly thrashing the similarly orange-garbed Illinois Fighting Illini.And let’s give a warm Rocky 5 welcome to the Ill Illini for getting soundly thrashed by the departing Orange. I said last week that the winner of this game -- the Rocky 5 Bowl, if you will -- would be excused from this recognition of football futility, while the loser would be brought into the fold.Illinois, on the strength of their lack of effort against the visiting Orangemen, is the newest members of the Rocky 5. Don’t let the final score of 31-21 -- or the Illini’s 400 total yards -- fool you as the game was never close, and Illinois was down 31-7 going into the final quarter. Their hideous performance against Rutgers the week before, a game in which Illinois only managed 126 yards of total offense, was a springboard that propelled the Illini into another week of crap football and right into the Rocky 5. Looking at their schedule for the rest of the season if the Illini are lucky enough to win three games, they will have won a total of 8 games since the 2002 season and as a result will be a shoe-in to finish this year, and start next year, in the Rocky 5. Mazel tov, Illini!And it’s not only new faces this week, but new places as well, as the Temple Bowels are now sitting atop the Rocky 5. The Bowels must be saluted for their remarkable achievement of losing by a score of 62-0 in two consecutive weeks, this time to the Minnesota Golden Gophers. I’m no Elias Bureau stat whore, but my bet is that you’d be hard pressed to find another Division I team in recent years to lose so spectacularly -- and ineptly -- two weeks in a row.There’s no reason to recount the follies of the football fops from Philly; the score speaks for itself. Looking ahead to their next game Temple visits the Western Michigan Broncos, who have to be on a high coming off of their win at the University of Virginia. As odd as it may seem, the Bowels may have a shot to sneak up on the Broncos this week, as the Broncs could suffer from the dreaded post-upset hangover. Hey, stranger things have happened as Kent State –- a charter member of the Rocky 5 -- actually won a game last week against MAC Conference rival Miami of Ohio.And while we’re on the subject, Kent State will be in the Rocky 5 this week despite their upset win. A team is going to have to do a lot more than just beat a MAC team before it is allowed to check out of the Hotel Rocky 5. As a matter of fact, the MAC Conference is doing more than its fair share to propagate the ranks of tainted football, and could be nicknamed the Rocky 5 Conference, especially if they admit Temple as a full-fledged member.The Duke Doormats lost in their typically impotent style and managed only 139 total yards in a 36-0 loss to Virginia Tech. Virginia Tech showed remarkable restraint and good manners as they played host to the Dorks from Durham, as the Hokies looked like they could have scored 100 points if they so desired.The Blow Devils actually might have a shot to keep it close this week as they play host to a surprisingly bad University of Virginia squad, a team that has been showing up on the radar here at Rocky 5 World Headquarters. Al Groh has been alleged to have done quite a good job in recruiting over the past few years, but without any real on the field success Groh could join the ranks of current ACC head coaches who will soon be former ACC coaches.The Buffalo Bulls solidified their place in the Rocky 5 by losing 31-13 to fellow MAC Conference member Northern Illinois. This game was so inconsequential that ESPN.com doesn’t even provide the briefest statistical summary for us to laugh at.This week the Bulls from Buffalo visit Auburn to play Auburn … yes, THE Auburn. It is rumored that famous coroners Michael Baden and Cyril Wecht will be on hand to assist the Auburn and Buffalo training staffs.So if you’ve been able to keep track of all of this, through my stream of conscious confusion, there you have this week’s Rocky 5. But if I lost you, here’s the Rocky 5.1) Temple Bowels2) Duke Doormats3) Buffalo Blows4) Illinois Ills5) Kent State Golden TurdsSo that leaves the “plus one” team to add to the mix, and that team my friends is *drum roll* the Mississippi State Bulldogs.Mississippi Stank has really been trying to get noticed this season. Actually from 2001 on through this moment “the Stank” has won only 14 games. In their 32-29 loss to Tulane this past weekend Mississippi Stank scored their first points of the year, which is good. The bad part, and the part that punched their ticket for entry into this elite group of crap football teams, is that Miss. St. fell behind by the score of 31-7 before they got their act together.Looking at their schedule, their sloppy play and their offensive ineptness Stank has what it takes, and is a lock to move up the ladder and into the core of the Rocky 5 over the next few weeks. Rather than recount their recent missteps, I’ll leave that to future editions of the Rocky 5 as it is a long season and things are just getting started.The Rest of the WorstDon’t you folks at Indiana relax just yet. The Hoosiers -- averaging about 3 wins per season over the last 5 -- lost last week to Division I-AA Southern Illinois 35-28 which was the first time that a team from the Gateway Conference beat a team from the Big 10. This week UConn comes to town and the Hoosiers can’t afford a letdown or else they may slide right into the Rocky picture.The Utah State Aggies have been terrifically terrible over the past 5-plus seasons and are begging for our committee to take notice of their ineptitude. Last week the Aggies lost to rival Utah 48-0, managed only 98 total yards, fumbled twice, threw 4 interceptions while allowing over 400 yards of total offense. With an 0-12 record a possibility, the Aggies are a team to watch.Also in the mix are New Mexico State and the Stanford Cardinal, who after a horrid loss to Navy are looking like a team that’s headed for an “O-fer” in 2006.See you next week, same Rocky time, same Rocky channel.

Rocky 5, Week Two: Duke, Temple, Buffalo, Syracuse, Kent State

Sal Marinello — Mon, 11 Sep 2006 00:27:16 EDT

It was another banner weekend for deplorable football as last week’s Rocky 5 was winless this week. Four of the five teams obviously were stung by their inclusion in this poll since all the teams but the Terrible Temple Owls lost close games.Let’s start at the top with the Duke Doormats. They lost their game in typically pathetic fashion, as they had a final-play-of-the-game 28 yard field goal attempt blocked, allowing the Wake Forest Demon Deacons to escape with a win and their dignity. Say all you want about the Blow Devils keeping it close and trying and playing hard and blah, blah, blah … they still lost. The Pukey Dukies managed to have the lead late in the game and rolled up a bunch of total offensive yards, but have nothing to show for it but another “L.”Next week they’ll lose to Virginia Tech in Durham.The Number 2 Temple Turds (Get it? Number Two? Turds? Plus the alliteration?) were embarrassed by the 13th-ranked Louisville Cardinals 62-0. As if it wasn’t bad enough getting pounded by 62, the Temple Bowels could only manage 230 total yards of offense while letting the Cardinals roll for over 670 yards. And Louisville led 42-0 and had accumulated almost 450 yards by halftime.The Turds actually got the ball down to the Louisville two-yard line after a big 67-yard gain, but promptly – and laughably – fumbled away the ball on the next play. By the second half the Louisville backfield consisted of two cheerleaders and the Cardinals’ mascot.On the bright side for Temple, nobody was killed. Next week the Bowels will travel to Minnesota to get beat up.The Number 3 Buffalo Bulls lost a heartbreaker in triple overtime to fellow MAC conference member Bowling Green Falcons by the score of 48-40. In typical sad sack fashion the Bulls lost a fumble in the third OT session, thus dashing their hopes of scoring an upset victory.The Bulls only managed 243 total yards, but scored a TD on a kickoff return (their first one since joining I-A football) and another on a blocked punt. They also converted on a short field goal after intercepting a pass deep in Falcon territory. Buffalo allowed Bowling Green to tie the game with 1:30 to play in regulation, and hung tough before living down to people’s low expectations in the third OT. Next week the Bulls will go on the road to play a pissed off Northern Illinois Husky squad that got peppered by Ohio State last week and were upset this week by the Ohio Bobcats. The Syracuse Orangemen, the Number 4 Rocky 5er, lost a 20-13 double overtime heartbreaker to the Number 14 Iowa Hawkeyes. ‘Cuse hung tough all game and tied it late, but just didn’t have enough to upset the Hawkeyes who were playing without their starting quarterback.Frankly, I was thinking about taking the Orangemen out of the Rocky 5 this week as the game was in its waning moments. However, after failing to score a touchdown in the second overtime despite running seven plays from the 2 yard line, Syracuse has earned another week in the bottom 5.Next week the Orange travel to Illinois to play a team that is looking more and more like they deserve to be in the Rocky 5. Illinois lost to Rutgers this past week 33-0, could only manage 126 total yards and never got beyond the Rutgers 48 yard line. Losing this game will earn the loser a spot in the Rocky 5. This match up is made even more interesting by the facts that the teams both prominently feature orange in their uniforms. Let's call it "The Rocky 5 Bowl."Finally, the Kent State Golden Flashes lost an overtime game to Army 17-14. Both teams stink and -- no coincidence -- both teams wear black and gold. There’s no reason to waste time rehashing the mind-numbingly mundane details of this turnover-laden exercise in football futility. Suffice to say that Kent State sucked like they have sucked for much of the past 40 years and there’s no reason to believe that they will stop sucking anytime soon.Next week Kent State will lose to Bowling Green and if Syracuse beats Illinois, Kent State will move up a spot.Besides this potential upsetting of this applecart of atrociousness, there’s no reason to believe there will be many other changes among the Rocky 5, but there’s always the possibility that the list can be expanded since the rest of the worst are doing their best to get noticed.There were some very noticeable performances of the past week as Indiana defeated Ball State 24-23 and trailed for most of the game, Mississippi State was destroyed by Auburn 34-0 and is scoreless for the season, and the aforementioned Army debacle.If Indiana loses to Southern Illinois and Mississippi State loses to Tulane you could see two new teams in the mix next week, so stay tuned.

The Rocky 5: The Worst Division I College Football Programs In America

Sal Marinello — Thu, 7 Sep 2006 00:50:04 EDT

Do we really need multiple polls to tell us fans which colleges have the best football teams in the country? How many different ways does it need to be said that Texas, Ohio State, USC and Auburn are the four best teams in the country, especially during the first week in September?Quite frankly I find all this attention to excellence quite boring. And of the top 5 or 10 teams in America, are there ever any surprises? What is so damn interesting and news worthy about USC or Texas being great?Talk to me about USC when they suck, because that will be an interesting story. USC will be a story when the program sucks because it’s in one of the most glamorous cities in the world, in a place where it’s always 80 degrees and sunny, that has local access to the finest high school athletes in the country and is attended by some of the most beautiful creatures on this planet. When it goes bad at USC, then it will be interesting. Until then … yawn, yawn, yawn.In the face of all of this excellence at the top of the college football hierarchy failure is much more interesting, which is why we present “The Rocky 5” poll to recognize the worst that Division I football has to offer.Why the Rocky 5, you ask? Well – I answer – because Rocky 5 is the worst movie of all time, and what better way to honor the memory of a horrible movie by coming up with a weekly list of the 5 worst football programs in the nation. And I use the term “program” to distinguish between the teams that are awful in a given season and the teams that have made a long term commitment to being awful over the long haul.A team will have to do a lot more than get blown out by 50 in a given week or go 2-10 for the season to be able to crack this top 5. The Rocky 5 will concentrate its attention on the teams that are putrid and non-competitive, week in and week out, year in and year out. So without further delay here is the first Rocky 5.1) Duke Blue Devils. Hands down Duke is the number one worst D-I college football program in the nation. I was on the fence about which team to place atop this heap of football excrement before week one of the season, but the Dukies loss to the Division I-AA Richmond Spiders last week made my choice a simple one. The loss to Richmond is just the perfect summation of what the past 4 decades of football – with the exception of the 1987-89 Steve Spurrier teams – have been like in Durham.Against the Spiders, Duke barely managed 200 yards of total offense and lost the time of possession battle by almost 7 minutes. Duke had to rely on two rookie quarterbacks – one a kid who was a wide receiver last season and the other a freshman - because their returning starter had been kicked out of school this summer for plagiarism. How much more embarrassing can things get?Duke has been so bad since 1991 – you’ll see why I start in ’91 a little later on – that they have only won 17 conference games in the ACC in this 15 year period. The Blue Devils won 5 of these games in 1994, a year that can be explained by the saying that even a broken clock is right twice a day, and actually appeared in the Hall of Fame Bowl. They have had an above .500 winning percentage only 8 times since 1970. There’s a reason the “Cameron Crazies” that show up for Duke hoops games are so crazy; they have to watch Duke football all fall.Duke has a firm grip on the number one spot here precisely because they are Duke. There is no excuse for this kind of athletic ineptitude, high academic standards or not. Duke possesses all of the tools that are necessary to build a real football power, but has decided not to. The Duke administration has decided that it’s acceptable to put a fetid football team on the field, and for this they must be held up to public scorn and derision.Looking at their schedule there is no reason to believe that Duke can win a game this year. Duke faces Wake Forest on Saturday afternoon and the autopsy is scheduled to begin 20 minutes after the final whistle.2) Temple Owls. For sustained crappiness I don’t think any program can rival the brand of crappiness that the Temple Owls have shoveled around Philadelphia. On the field they have been worse than Duke. The Owls have only won 30 games since 1991 (when Temple joined the Big East) and only won 14 conference games in 14 years before the Big East showed Temple the door. That’s right folks; Temple was so bad that they were kicked out of their conference. Now they are hoping to be included in the Mid American Conference starting in the 2007 season. Now that’s a feather in the cap for the MAC, isn’t it?By comparison Duke has won 38 games and 17 conference games since ’91.And while both Duke and Temple have been bad for a very long time, Temple hasn’t been as bad for as long as Duke, that’s why Duke’s at the top of this poll. Also, Temple isn’t exactly in the garden spot of the universe … no offense. Temple hardly has the allure of Duke and doesn’t have the same opportunity to turn things around that the Blue Devils have.This past weekend Temple lost in overtime to the equally-lowly Bulls of the University of Buffalo 9-3. In their first game under new head coach Al Golden the Owls lived down their reputation as they managed a total of 183 yards from scrimmage. Rumor has it that inmates that are incarcerated in the New York State penal system were forced to watch this game without interruption. Again and again.This week as Temple faces Louisville at home, the Masochists Association of America will sit in the Temple section, will wear Temple gear, will drink a lot of beer and eat lots of bran muffins and will not be allowed to get up and use the rest rooms.3) Buffalo Bulls. If the Duke Blue Devils are the blue bloods of bad football, the University of Buffalo Bulls are the nouveau louse (pronounced lau-say) kids on the block. Since the Bulls returned to the ranks of Division I football in 1999 as a member of the Mid American Conference they have won 7 conference games, and 10 games overall for a 10-69 record. That boys and girls, is crap football at its best. Give the Bulls another 15-20 years and you’ll have a combination of Duke and Temple. And I don’t want to hear any guff from the optimists out there, if I want to hear about positives I’ll read about the good top 10 teams. You can talk all you want about Turner Gill coming in and taking over, and you can talk about the great facilities and about what a great sports town Buffalo is, but the bottom line is the team stinks.And don’t give me the sympathetic nonsense either, and cry that this is only the Bulls’ eighth season in D-I and that it’s tough to draw kids to the city that was the home to Unger Gum. Boise State joined D-I in 1996, and after their first two seasons where they took their lumps in going 6-17, the Broncos have gone 79-21 and have appeared in 6 bowl games. Boise State has developed a formidable program in the most isolated city in the country, so don't tell me how tough Buffalo has it. The Bulls need to get better in a hurry or give it up. There are enough old, bad football programs and we don’t need a new, bad program hanging around and getting in the way.What the Bulls have in their favor is that they play in a conference that seems to be the home for wayward and rancid football team. In addition to the turds from Temple, the Bulls will face Ball State, Ohio, and Kent State and will have the chance to beat their record for wins in a season, which currently stands at 3.In upcoming weeks the Bulls will face Bowling Green, Northern Illinois and Auburn – FREAKING AUBURN – all on the road. This stretch will either make or break the Bulls program, for if they come out of these games with enough healthy bodies to put on the field against Ball State when they return home, they could salvage this season by winning three or four games.4) Syracuse Orangemen. This selection illustrates just how little tolerance I have for big-name, successful Universities that allow nidorous football teams to represent their institution. This is a program that was 10-3 in 2001 and beat Kansas State in the Insight.com Bowl, how can the Orange be in the Rocky 5? Because they stink, and they got stinky in a hurry, that’s how.After a great 2001, three bad years resulted in Head Coach Paul Pasqualoni being shown the door. Because of a three year bump in the road that any program in the country could have gone through, the Syracuse administration felt that Pasqualoni and his 107-59-1 record – good for a winning percentage of 64% - should be booted out. I’ll bet that now the Orange faithful would kill for a chance at the 14-20 record that Coach P had during his last three years on the job.For some reason the University felt that the program needed to be shaken up, and decided to boot Coach P and replace him with an NFL coaching reject. New coach Greg Robinson promptly went 1-10 and fielded a team that was as uncompetitive as any team in the nation, and was by far the worst team in the Big East.What’s happening in Syracuse is a cautionary tale for Universities that are impatient and ungrateful. Syracuse made a change for the sake of change and as a result have immediately become non-competitive. The Orange won one game last year and will be lucky to repeat that feat again in 2006. In the world of major college football this kind of slide into oblivion can happen quickly, and if the recovery isn’t achieved just as quickly Syracuse is looking at a decade as a doormat.There is no excuse for Syracuse to allow this kind of football to be played in their name, and if this isn’t turned around in the next season or two Syracuse will be a fixture in the Rocky 5 for years to come.Looking at the schedule the Orange have only two realistic opportunities for a win; September 16 at Illinois and September 30 hosting Wyoming. But before they get these chances, they’ll have to survive at Iowa this weekend.5) Kent State Golden Flashes. The Kent State brand of football is that kind of just-below-the-radar, abysmal sub-mediocrity that can’t be allowed to continue without being noticed. They have had only 6 winning seasons since losing to Tampa in the 1972 Tangerine Bowl and have had 10 zero or one win seasons in the same stretch. They have won 34 games, 28 of them in the Mid American Conference, since 1991. If it weren’t for the fact that they play in the MAC, Kent State would probably have the fewest wins of any team in this poll since ’91.I don’t know all that much about the Golden Flashes, but looking at their record over the past 40 years or so, I’m quite glad that I’m not familiar with these men from Kent.Looking at their schedule combined with the fact that the school is located in an area that is a hotbed for high school football recruits, you can’t help but wonder how this team has been so bad for so long. Thanks to the kind of schedule only available in the MAC, the Golden Flashes will get shots at Ohio, Ball State, Temple and Buffalo as well as Army in a non-conference match up. If they can’t manage a win or two the Flashes will solidify their spot in the Rocky 5 for years to come.The Rest of the Worst.There aren’t just 5 horrendous college football programs in D-1 and here is a list of some other potential Rocky 5’ers.New Mexico State. They beat Southeastern Louisiana last week 30-15 but have to keep their momentum going into an archrival game against New Mexico this week. If the Aggies win again they may be able to slink out of our view, but any team that was 0-12 last year won’t be too far from our thoughts at poll time.Illinois and Indiana. Two Big 10 programs that are too lousy given the Universities - and the traditions of excellence in all fields of endeavor - that they represent. Remember the Rocky 5 has no tolerance for bad programs from great institutions.Mississippi State. Averaging just about 3 wins per season over the last 5 seasons is a good way to get noticed by the Rocky 5 committee. It’s tough enough rebuilding, but rebuilding in the SEC from these depths is near impossible. Looking at the Bulldogs schedule it’s hard to imagine them hitting their average even with uber tomato can Jacksonville State coming to town in a few weeks.Kentucky Wildcats. Another big-name school that permits small-time football. Divert a little of that hoops money towards football and take some thunder from Louisville. The Cardinals have build a real football program, why can’t the Wildcats?Vanderbilt Commodores. Besides the Jay Cutler years they’ve played football like the Lionel Ritchie Commodores. Heck even with Cutler the Commodes only won 11 games in 4 years. A one or two win season will prompt us to expand this poll to at least the Rocky 6 to coincide with the latest installment in the Stallone-based series.Rice Owls. The little school that couldn’t. 1-10 last year and lost their opener to Houston. Besides a game with Army it doesn’t look too good, but who gives a hoot anyway?Army Cadets/Black Knights. It seems unpatriotic to pick on the Military Academy, but the fact is that they stink. They are more like the Knights who say "Ni!" Games with Kent State, Rice, VMI and Tulane may give the Cadets/Black Knights a chance for wins, but they still will stink if they win.What will this week bring? My bet is that we won’t see much change at the top of the Rocky 5.