Blogcritics

Announcement: Short-content feeds

Phillip Winn — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 12:00:00 EDT

Sunday, August 26, 2007, marks the switch of all Blogcritics.org article feeds from full-content to short-content. This is the result of several converging factors, and is unfortunately a permanent decision (as permanent as any decision can be on the web, that is). We are aware of all of the reasons that this is a Bad Idea, and we are aware that some of you will be quite upset about having to click on something to read the free content, and we're sorry. Unfortunately, despite great effort, full-content feeds are not currently economically viable. Two other factors are involved: full-content feeds have resulted in an unprecedented level of content theft, with BC content appearing on many websites, usually spam sites, without attribution or permission. This duplicate content causes a cascading set of problems, not the least of which is that search engines generally aren't favorable to duplicate content, and don't always guess correctly. Finally, our RSS advertising partner is strongly in favor of short-content feeds. We hope that you'll continue to subscribe to BC via RSS, and when an article grabs your eye, it's only a click away, still free on the BC website. Thank you for your understanding.

Top Ten Reasons Your Relationship May Fail

Laura Young — Wed, 17 Jan 2007 19:11:50 EST

According to a recent New York Times article 51% of women in the U.S. are now living without a spouse as indicated by their analysis of census results.The article states: "Several factors are driving the statistical shift. At one end of the age spectrum, women are marrying later or living with unmarried partners more often and for longer periods. At the other end, women are living longer as widows and, after a divorce, are more likely than men to delay remarriage, sometimes delighting in their newfound freedom." According to Prof. Stephanie Coontz, director of public education for the Council on Contemporary Families, a nonprofit research group, "On average, Americans now spend half their adult lives outside marriage.” I had no idea it was that high or that I was in such a minority. I've already spent over half my life in marriage, (albeit not the same one continually) or living with someone I would ultimately marry. I love being married. After nearly 15 years I can honestly say, without hesitation, that my marriage to Scott becomes richer every year, even as we become more individuated as adults (maybe because of this). Are good marriages really becoming a thing of the past? William H. Frey, a demographer with the Brookings Institution, notes “For better or worse, women are less dependent on men or the institution of marriage. Younger women understand this better, and are preparing to live longer parts of their lives alone or with nonmarried partners. For many older boomer and senior women, the institution of marriage did not hold the promise they might have hoped for, growing up in an ‘Ozzie and Harriet’ era.”This article disheartened me, but not because I think everyone should be married. I have no problem at all with people choosing to remain single. I'm discouraged because I see so many unhappy relationships and have talked to many people who really did want a good marriage (regardless of gender orientation). Many people are not single because it was their first choice. But even more, it saddens me that so many women in this article talked about the freedom they have now that they couldn't get in their relationships. For so many, marriage now feels like it would take something away from them that they value.Someone once said to me that they thought good marriages were an urban myth and I had to take issue with that because I am in one. But how have Scott and I avoided being another statistic? What have I learned in 25 years in personal development work as a therapist and life coach in addition to my 26 cumulative years of marriage? As I look at the increasing statistical evidence and have listened to the experiences of those around me, the single, the married and the mostly commited, I have drawn conclusions as to why most relationships will fail. Top Ten Warning Signs that a Relationship May End BadlyDemonstrated failure to support each other's growth, feeling threatened by a spouse's success, jealousy toward your partner. This can be communicated in directly undermining ways like when a husband handed divorce papers to his wife when she achieved a hard-earned business goal, withdrawing them later when her business began to flounder, or passively/passive aggressively by moping, irritability or other tension that result in the successful partner feeling they have to minimize their achievements or hide them in some way.Hypersenstivity to "control issues" in arguments, often translated as "I hate it when you call me on my shit and just remember you aren't the boss of me." Having every request for compromise or a change in behavior result in some comment referring to "not needing a mother/father."Selfishness/more focus on what you are getting than what you are giving. Keeping score, especially an internal hidden tally of all the times one has "given in" or done something for the other. Always taking note of who gets the biggest piece of cake.Resistance to taking responsibility for oneself and one actions "Oh yeah? Well you aren't so terrific either. Remember that time you..."Forgetting the "or worse" part of the marriage vows or whether married or not, failure to equally share the burden during hard times. Example (yes, I know this will be sexist but I have seen it more than once): Husband loses job, wife continues to spend like she always has, assuming he will be able to continue to provide in the same way he always did by pulling some magic rabbit out of a hat. Family goes into debt. Wife panics and maybe gets angry, wondering what "they" will do now. Husband feels pressure to seek high-paying job in organization he believes will eat him alive in return for his efforts while wife considers working part time at Hobby Lobby to help make ends meet until "they" get back on their feet and she can quit her hobby job. Beginning with the end in mind or "How will I protect myself when we break up and they try to screw me out of all my stuff?"Basic lack of respect, calling each other names, using sarcasm or demeaning each other in the name of humor. Cruelty in arguments, use of personal insults when angry. Using anger as an excuse to be hurtful. (Yes, I did say that. Anger is not an excuse to be cruel and hurtful in your speech or actions.)Sneakiness, "If you don't know about my shit you can't call me on it, now can you?"Framing every compromise as a win-lose proposition.Choosing a partner because something is better than nothing or for what they aren't ("They don't beat me. I could do worse."). If you can't say immediately and with enthusiasm why you are with your partner, well, why are you with your partner? Don't treat them like a place-holder until something better comes along or a way to stop from being alone if nothing does.Feel free to comment, agree, disagree, add your own thoughts. Relationships are hard. We have fewer and fewer models of solid working relationships around us all the time. If you have not given up on marriage and do want to be able to say after 20 or 30, or even five years, that your marriage has enhanced your life and given you more than you would have experienced on your own, please give these points some serious thought. While good marriages are not an urban myth but they do appear to be on the Endangered Species list.

Laura Young is a life coach, author, photographer, and "deep water fish". If you enjoy her articles and are chewing over some big questions in your own life, please pay her a visit at Wellspring Coaching, where she has many additional resources for you. To view her photography, please visit Holy Moment Photography.

No Safe Distance (Part One)

Laura Young — Tue, 16 Jan 2007 03:18:55 EST

It was August when I learned of her death and October when I met her family for the first time to join them on a walk to benefit the domestic violence shelter she had sought aid from in the past. It is now January and I am only now telling you the rest of the story of that weekend.Old news, right?Unfortunately, no. Sue Weiland has yet to be buried. Her body is still being held as evidence, not yet released by the attorneys in the case. Peter Whyte pled not guilty at his arraignment on October 23rd of last year. The trial is slated to begin on May 7, 2007. For those interested in the felony procedure, a flow chart of the process from the Wisconsin Department of Justice guide is provided for you at the Justice for Sue site (scroll down to the Sept 9th entry).As for myself, I have been held in a different way, unable to write. Volumes of words have spilled out in this blog in the three months since I met the Weilands, but none of them have been the post I really wanted to write.I was locked, not blocked. Locked. Locked in a moment. Specifically this one:This is Ron Weiland, Sue’s father. I took this photo and I hated myself for doing it even as I pressed the shutter release.Sue's brother, Patrick, will understand this. Patrick Weiland is a multiple award winning journalist and was the senior producer for NBC's Dateline for many years. During our first evening together, after his mother went to bed and we sat up talking, he shared a perspective with me that I never had a full appreciation of before. When you see all those heinous images of one tragedy or another on the evening news, remember there are human beings behind those cameras. We get images. They get sights, sounds and smells, the heat, the chill, the damp. They get the energy of the place, the fear, the pain. Patrick recounted his visit to a Romanian orphanage being the first to bring the plight of these children to our national attention.“They would put children with similar problems all together. I walked into one place that was for children with cleft palate. There were something like 200 of these little children that had never been treated. Beautiful little children with these disfigured faces all looking at me. I didn’t realize at the time how traumatic that was for me but it was.” Then there was the plane crash off the California coast and the dead bodies strewn across the water. In the ocean, it doesn’t take long for flesh to become food. As I said, there are sights we don’t get to see. There are sounds they won’t let us hear, but they did hear them. A human is there, or a team of them, taking it all in, as much as their psyches will allow anyway, sifting through it all to determine what we could see, should see, and why.I think, as I contemplate Ron’s picture, that there was a first time for Patrick when he must have felt the weight of that moment. A frozen second in time when he felt himself step across that border that separates the everyday world you and I inhabit in our busy, half-conscious way, and the private world where you witness a life being changed, irreparably and forever. There is a pinpoint of time when the shutter clicks and the subject of your photo lets you take the shot because you both know the story is bigger now, bigger than either of you, but there is something else in that look. Something that says, “Watch closely girl, this could be you. This is you. There is no safe distance for us here.”I slept peacefully the night before the walk, nestled in sheets fresh from the line, the crisp night air wafting through the window left slightly ajar. Patrick tapped on the door and whispered that an owl might visit outside my window. He wished me a good night, chuckling that he couldn’t believe he was going to share a bed with his mom. They had given me the room in which he had been staying. Though none of us ever said it, it had also been the room in which Sue has slept during her last separation from the man who now will stand trial for her brutal murder.I slept peacefully. It was another in an entire weekend of incongruous events. Somehow, in the midst of this tragedy, I felt so welcomed by every member of the Weiland family it was like some strange family reunion. I was profoundly comfortable in their presence from the very first moment. The love they have for each other was palpable and they widened their circle to include me without hesitation.The morning of the walk, Patrick was in full swing, doling out t-shirts to us adorned with a haunting sketch of a wolf Sue had drawn. The back of the shirt emblazoned with the “Remembering Sue Weiland 1966-2006.” We donned our shirts and bustled around grabbing apples and water, blow drying hair, grabbing extra sweaters in case the weather shifted. It was a glorious autumn day at the peak of fall color in an idyllic country setting. We could have been going on a hay ride or to a pumpkin festival. But we weren’t.We were walking in memory of Sue to raise funds for the Turning Point Shelter. Mary and Ron Weiland, Sue’s parents, were each to say a few words before the walkers set off, marking a new chapter in their lives. Before August, they were parents. Parents with grown children all trying to make their way in the world, albeit with various degrees of success and a few wrong turns along the way. Parents who knew something of both pride and pain. But today, they were the leaders of a team, Team Weiland. “I didn’t want to be here.” Mary Weiland was the first to speak. Though tears streamed down her face she never faltered, displaying a strength and dignity matching the stand of oaks gracing the park in which we were gathered. Mary shared with us how she has simply wanted to be a mom, to have her children safe and healthy and able to live out their natural lives as all parents hope. She counted off the days since Sue’s murder and shared how the shock and reality of this loss was still working its way into her consciousness. Even though she did not choose this path willingly, she was willing to stand and walk with us and for us, determined that Sue was not to have died in vain. Ron Weiland was the next to speak. He shared how, on any other autumn day, he and Sue would have been out on their motorcycles, a long standing tradition of theirs. As did so many that weekend, he spoke of Sue’s loving and compassionate nature. “She never ended a conversation without saying ‘I love you’.” That was her gift to him. The last words of the last conversation they ever had were I love you. “Just three little words. I love you. Those three little words mean everything.” He closed by expressing his hope that we all would never forget just how important it is to share those words with those in our own lives.As the walk began, Patrick was swept away in a sea of people anxious to offer their condolences and share stories of his sister, leaving me to make my way among the unfamiliar faces. Before we set out, however, Patrick had whisked me from one cluster of people to another. “This is Laura. She’s the one who wrote that article I shared with you. She came all the way from Chicago to walk with us, can you believe it?”As soon as he mentioned the piece I had written, recognition would light their faces followed by bear hugs and kisses as everyone’s eyes welled with tears. It was overwhelming for me being on the receiving end of many heartfelt expressions of gratitude. The juxtaposition of their pain with the enthusiasm with which they treated me with something that felt very like celebrity was something I was entirely unprepared for, but it was okay. I know what it is like to have been touched deeply by words written by someone else. I know what it is to feel gratitude for the person who wrote those words that helped light my path regardless of any degree of success they may have achieved as a writer. Successful writing has nothing to do with publishing a best seller. It is about the connection the writer makes with the reader. They told me I connected. Our gratitude for each other was mutual. This wasn’t about ego or the writing or even how many hours it took to drive from Chicago. This was about humans being grateful for a connection with other humans in a fundamental and wholly present way that we rarely get to experience in our ordinary lives.“I know, it’s like I have a new sister!” Patrick was saying to a friend as several of us were chatting. Then he stopped and we both felt the truth of that simple statement. “It’s like Sue died and she gave me a new sister.” It’s true. In fact, it may surprise you to hear that Patrick and I haven’t actually spoken live since we met that weekend. We exchanged holiday gifts and a couple e-mails but we haven’t spoken. I tell you truthfully, even if we didn’t speak for the next seven years, if Patrick suddenly called out of the blue and said, “We need you here, will you come?” I’d be on the next plane. I can’t explain it. It’s just the way it is.I was in a sea of unfamiliar faces, but each one was open and friendly as I swam upstream and down talking with family and friends as we walked along.To be continued...

Questions to Ask Before You Get Married

Laura Young — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 16:18:50 EST

A recent article in the New York Times poses a series of questions that couples should ask before marrying. As someone who has been married or living with the person I was going to marry for 24 years I offer you some perspective of my own. For reference, I got married the first time to a man 20 years older than me when I was 20 years old. Yes, I know. It's been an interesting journey, what can I say? You can read all about that saga here. With my "learning marriage" behind me, I married Scott as a reasonably mature adult. We have been married 14 years now and it's a richer experience every year.According to the Times article, the first question for a couple to consider is: Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care-giver?From someone who knows more infertile couples than she can shake a stick at (not that this is necessary, as they are nice people) and who happens to be a member of one herself, I highly recommend that you talk about your desire for and commitment to having children even if you run into fertility issues. I saw a friend lose FIVE babies, one just two weeks prior to term, while becoming increasingly depressed and obsessed with having a child with each loss. Hard on a marriage. Hard on friends watching. Hard on us when I chose not to join her obsession when I hit my own biological brick wall. How important is having a biologically related child? How will you feel about this if one or the other is not able to "give" the other a child they desire? Of course, you may not really know this until the situation is upon you. How we think we will feel in a situation may not be how we actually do feel once we are in it. I just have to say, especially for couples marrying in their 30s where there has never been a pregnancy, that it always makes me nervous when people talk as though pregnancy is a given.Next issue for couples: Do we have a clear idea of each other's financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?I would add, for those of you moving in the direction of a pre-nuptual agreement: be very honest about how you feel. I have said many times - and nothing you can say will change my mind - that they are a recipe for marital disaster. By definition you are building mistrust into the relationship. Don't believe me? I have evidence to back me up.Further, talk about your relationship not just with money, but with "stuff". Everyone can talk budgets but the proof is in the pudding. What spending habits are you actually demonstrating? How many times have you, or your partner, convinced yourself that a certain expenditure was exceptional because the price was so good, when the truth is you can't walk by a sale rack without getting sweaty palms? People are funny with money, one of the most abstract concepts there is. Numbers go into the account, numbers go out. If only I had a nickle for every man who complained to me that he had become a wallet for his family and that no one seemed to realize that their spending was obligating him to stay in a career he hated. Hey, wait, I do get nickles for that! Dollars even. On second thought, don't talk about this. You could put me out of business.But if you must, do talk about your career happiness and long-term goals and dreams. What if the primary breadwinner is laid off? Is the other partner willing and able to step up and become a full-time earner if necessary? Does one of you have a dream of self-employment? Is one of you entrepreneurial? How prepared are you both to deal with fluctuating incomes and career experimentation? Would a return to school be supported?The last question I'll expound on is #10 on NY Times list. "Do we like and respect each other's friends?" I would add this question as well, "Do we like and respect each other AS friends?" This probably sounds obvious but I see friendship deteriorate so rapidly in marriages. It's almost as if getting married makes the spouse lose status in some way. I've written more in-depth about this in Secrets of a Happy Marriage. Please, make that assigned reading for yourself. Divorce is no fun, nor is a marriage where the friendship has grown anorexic.There are fewer and fewer examples of long-term, happy, thriving and growing marital relationships out there. When you are lucky enough to meet some examples in your own life, ask what makes them tick. Marriages do require attention if they are going to evolve along with your own growth. Even if you are already married or are considering marriage and have considered these issues already, it is good to revisit them from time to time. I know I am not the same woman my husband originally married and my perspectives on these issues have certainly changed over the past 14 years as have his. Don't get caught in the myth Paul Simon so astutely speaks to in "You're the One."Nature gives up shapeless shapes Clouds and waves and flame But human expectation is that love remains the same It doesn't. It won't. And therein lies its beauty.

The Path is Made by Walking: Insight is Optional

Laura Young — Wed, 20 Dec 2006 22:32:46 EST

The New York Times had a very interesting article this week by Dr. Sally Satel, staff psychiatrist at the Oasis Drug Treatment Clinic and a resident scholar at the American Enterprise Institute. In the article, Dr. Satel discusses the role of insight in helping an individual overcome an addiction or other life problem and suggests that the need for insight may be over-rated and in some cases actually a detriment to further movement. I certainly recall a similar range of experiences from my own days as a therapist. While I worked with many clients who struggled to turn their lives around and made excellent use of psychotherapy, there were certainly exceptions to that rule. On more than one occasion I remember clients lighting up with some apparently life-changing insight into the roots of their behavior or emotional state only to come back the next week in the same place, stating that they didn't really think about the session again once they left my office. I distinctly remember confronting one client, much as Dr. Satel did, on how the quest for insight seemed to result in his stagnation in therapy rather than his moving forward. I asked him why he was in therapy. His reply? "It's a great conversation for $5 a week." That was his insurance co-pay. The act, in and of itself, of seeking self-understanding with the support of a concerned individual, whether a professional or a friend, often makes one feel better. The client who enjoyed his $5 a week conversation is certainly not unique. This is an often unacknowledged downfall of the model of using insurance for psychotherapy. While many highly motivated individuals benefit from therapy that they could not have access to without insurance support, there are certainly individuals who abuse the system. Many of my clients were very aware of their mental health insurance benefits and were clear they wanted all the sessions they were "entitled to" and not a single session more. Who wouldn't want to talk to a concerned and devoted listener week after week on someone else's dime? Just that process alone can tap off enough stress to make the rest of the week go slightly better until the next "great conversation." Therapists are humans and they like to help. Some have nice-sized egos, too, like people everywhere. It can be an unhealthy "win-win" when a therapist feels week after week like progress is being made, in part because the client knows just where to stroke, and both client and therapist get their superficial needs met.But what about those clients who earnestly do want to understand themselves and the roots of their problems better in the hope of creating a better life in the future? It’s tricky territory. As Dr. Satel points out, the whole quest is something of a fool's errand as we cannot go back and see what our lives would have been if one thing had been different. This is precisely why "It's a Wonderful Life" has such timeless appeal. We love the fantasy of it but in reality we don't get the chance to view all the different scenarios that might have played out in our lives. We don't get to look down the road to see the actual consequences of any of our actions much as we would like to. To make matters worse, just as we are unable to test out multiple future scenarios, the belief in 20/20 hindsight is a myth -- and a seductive one at that. No matter how earnestly we search our psyches, we are subject to our own revisionist histories. From a neuropsychological perspective, our brains are designed to make our stories complete, whether the story is accurate or not. And a complete story that makes sense to us will always feel “right”. Believe me, I know what it feels like to have the strength of one’s convictions that one knows, without a doubt that they have clear sight, both forward and backward. I’m an oldest daughter with Greek blood in my veins. You don’t have to tell me about conviction. But the strength of conviction does not increase the validity of a perception. How you form your perceptions is a physiological, neuropsychological phenomenon. If you see a round line drawing, looking like a circle with the exception of a gap just before the ends meet, your mind will see a complete circle. We expect the arc to continue all 360 degrees once we see the trend. We think we know the story of the line and the story is "circle". We don't expect the missing gap to jut out like a pointy party hat. We do the same thing with our personal histories, the stories of our lives. We fill in gaps and weave together memories into narratives that make sense to us, often including our own perspectives on the motivations and thoughts of those who act upon us. Our brains conveniently discard information that is inconsistent with the storyline it has chosen, much as we like to think we are objective. The same thing happens in relationships. When you've been in a relationship for a long time it is easy to believe you know what your partner will say once they start a sentence and sometimes even before. You see a twitch of the eyebrow and you say, "I know what you are thinking." It's a brain thing. We all do it. We do it when we imagine the course of conversations or arguments we are anticipating having and we do it when we look back and try to understand how life got to be the way it is for us. What's the alternative? To reinvent the world anew every day by assuming that everything is unpredictable? We can't do it. We will always see patterns and once we see them, we start to plan around them. They provide a sense of structure in our lives.So, if our ability to predict the future as well as our memories of the past are both flawed, why the dogged pursuit of insight and understanding?From my own clinical experience I offer you these additional insights to Dr. Satel's article. What follows are common myths the seeker of self-knowledge may fall prey to. I offer these not to dissuade you from seeking self-understanding, which I do believe is a noble pursuit, but to help you avoid traps that will derail your process by giving you a false resting place on the journey. If you are willing to take the journey, you owe it to yourself to be sure of your destination, and what you will need for the trip. Understanding gives us a sense of control. If I know why something bad has happened, I stand a chance of preventing it from happening again. Likewise, if I see something bad happen to someone else and can determine why, I can keep myself safe. You may have read my recent article on Michael Schwass, who just passed the 31st anniversary of the injury that left him quadriplegic. He deliberately entitled his book, Don't Blame the Game. He knew that many would look at his quadriplegia and conclude, "Oh, but he was playing hockey, a notoriously brutal sport. Ah, I get it." His answer is, "No, you don't get it." In Michael’s view, which is highly spiritual with a karmic perspective, pointing to hockey as the reason his life took the turn it did is too simplistic. Is his perspective right? Who are we to say? It may be a much more comfortable place for some to look at the risks of a dangerous sport than to think about life being subjected to such intangibles and mysterious forces as karma. Look at the flipside with Lance Armstrong's book, It's Not About the Bike. Same thing. If we seek to understand why someone does something well, we can increase the chances of our own success. When I put up my photography site, I got asked over and over what kind of camera I use. It's an old and extremely limited camera. It isn't about the camera.Understanding helps us assign proper blame. This is an extension of the first point. If I know for certain that my mother is the root of every trouble I have, I have a reason that allows me to let go of some responsibility. If the work of turning my life around simply feels too hard to me (and it may be VERY hard), I get a sanctioned way out of it if I hang on to the belief that it wasn't my fault to begin with. Personal responsibility starts to feel like an option. Let me just go on record saying, this: It isn't.In the end, it boils down to this: Your life has always been, and will always be, a paradox. We all have flaws and blindspots. We are all capable of wickedness and brutality as well as extraordinary kindness and compassion. We have been influenced by the world in ways that we cannot possibly have a full appreciation of with multigenerational, cultural, historical, and biological influences acting upon us just to name a few. Michael and I have this running joke in which I ask him in a fit of exasperation, "Guru or hockey puck?" His answer, before he wheels away leaving me to contemplate is "Yes." Sometimes that man is so wise it scares me and sometimes he is everything I would expect in a hockey player (read: a "typical guy and a good bit worse"). I have historically tended toward idealism, and I wanted him to be one or the other.I wanted the pattern to be consistent. Get thee to the mountain top and stay there! Same thing with his health. I wanted to know, "Are you living or are you dying?" Again, the answer is "yes" and it has been for years. In the end, what difference does it make? It only makes the difference I think it will make, and when I gave up the need to label it, a huge weight came off my shoulders. It only makes a difference when I feel the need to predict the future. It has only made a difference when I believed that if I could just study the map for a while that I would know what steps to take today. It's a way we deal with the fear of the unknown in our lives.The future is always unknown. You never know what's around the next corner, and you'll never know all the reasons you are where you are today.The path is made by walking.

A Powerful Story of Survival: Thirty-One Years and Still Standing

Laura Young — Sun, 3 Dec 2006 16:55:05 EST

Meet Michael Schwass. He's a member of the National Speakers Association, a therapist, a coach, an author -- and quadriplegic. The first quadriplegic ever to walk again without the aid of braces. I encourage you to read his compelling autobiography, Don't Blame the Game, for details of his personal journey. I met Michael sixteen years ago when he spoke at a group I was leading on the spinal cord unit of Marianjoy Rehabilitation Hospital in Wheaton, Illinois, during my doctoral internship in counseling psychology and we became fast friends.Michael was a star hockey player injured in a high school playoff game 31 years ago this Sunday, later watching his team go on to win the Illinois State Championship. He never stopped being an athlete though, and his grueling daily exercise routine has been critical to keeping him functioning at his absolute maximum. While he is no longer able to walk, he is still able to stand, a miracle I witnessed myself this past June.Despite his phenomenal strength of spirit, the long term physical effects of quadriplegia are devastating. In 1997 he survived a staph infection such as took Christopher Reeve several years ago. I've known him to be very close to death three different times since I have known him. And maybe there were more times than that which he forgot to let me know about -- he's cagey that way. He's had many surgeries (twenty-something?), including a life saving surgery in Ecuador a few years ago in which nerves were harvested from his legs to rebuild part of his spinal cord.The aging process is sped up to double time in quadriplegia and over the years, I've seen the change in him, though remarkably I'm the one with the most gray hair. I've seen him transition from a manual to an electric wheelchair. He's not as strong and independent as he was when we first met although his wit has sharpened to compensate for this. Contrary to common belief, quadriplegics may still experience physical sensations below the level of their injury and certainly can experience high levels of pain. With arthritic changes, stresses on various bodily systems and our famous Chicago winters, Michael is no stranger to "discomfort" though I have yet to see him let that spill out in negativity directed toward others. He is one of the most gracious and disciplined people I know. If you were to have the pleasure of meeting him, you would experience a vibrant, wonderful, sweet, and funny man. Very spiritual with a Buddha smile. You can forget, if you want to, that this is a man who has to pay attention to every little detail to keep that bod running. He has to put up with a lot of missteps by the rest of us and he does this with a grace that humbles me. Like the time I spilled tea on him when I had the slightest lapse of attention while holding the mug for him to sip from. Or the wacky time I almost flipped his chair in the van taking a turn too fast. Oh, how we laughed about that one!For me, Michael is a confidante, a true friend. He feels like a childhood friend even though we were adults when we met. We're a couple of old river rats who have done away with pretense long ago as you can see from this scraggly picture. Maybe you have someone like that. I hope you have someone like that. Someone that really sees you right through all your neuroses, or masks, or ups and downs and highs and lows. Your years of being in your game and those chapters that you'd rather forget and loving you just the same either way. My husband is like that for me. And so is Michael. And, I know that Michael doesn't have the expected life span that I do. He's my peer but he won't get old with me. Now, he could be here three more years, or five, or longer. But I can tell by the way he looks at me when I say "five" with that neutral look directly into my eye that says "be here now", that patient look that somehow tells me that five is maybe too big a number that I have to be ready. A few of you saw me through a lot of kicking, screaming, sobbing and general existential meltdown a couple years ago when this started to really get into my consciousness. Michael worked very hard with me and I worked even harder on myself to get ready. I'm not saying I won't grieve the hell out of him when he goes. But I am saying that I see him with very clear eyes and know today what a gift I have in our friendship and how blessed I have been to have these sixteen years. I can sit now on his grave site and feel calm. I know he has suffered tremendously in his life in ways that you and I could never conceive of. He was given one hell of a hand and he's played it marvelously. When the game is finally over for him, how could I be anything but proud and grateful?On this, the eve of the 31st anniversary of his injury, I am humbled and struggling for the words to express what his life has meant to me. He has given me gifts that would cause most of us to shudder. He gave me the gift of recognizing mortality and of recognizing that time is finite. He made death real to me. He taught me about love and friendship in a way that precious few men and women are able to grasp. It's been an amazing paradox to come to terms with, loving someone who is both vitally alive but that I could lose at any time.It's a fierce love.We are all ephemeral and all our stuff means nothing in the end. Love is all that matters, truly. This is the undercurrent that is running through my life, the awareness that life is so temporary and so precious. I hope as I share my continued learnings guided in part by Michael's wisdom and influence that you will feel free to share yours as well. I could think of no better way to honor Michael's influence in my life than to invite you to share your sources of inspiration as well, creating a vortex of strength here that any of us can draw on at any time. I love you, Michael.Thanks for making it through that first night. In other news: Michael's wry sense of humor and ability to laugh in the face of adversity never cease to amaze me. When his van died this weekend, in the middle of a Chicago blizzard, he left me a message that was more laughter than words. "You can't fight the universe!" and then laughing and "... serpentine belt went just as we were getting to the highway" and more laughter and finally, "I'm going to go pray now," followed by more laughter. The serpentine belt is only the latest in a growing list of vehicle problems that have plagued the "Starship". The ten-year-old van is dead and this presents a predicament. People with disabilities typically have vast stores of cash and precious jewels... hahahahahaha... okay, maybe not. Anyone with any leads on reliable wheelchair vans and funds to obtain them, we're all ears. Thanks!

Top Ten Things Learned on the Road to Full-Time Self-Employment

Laura Young — Sun, 3 Dec 2006 15:40:04 EST

As we wind down the year, I know many of you are considering your career directions and setting some resolutions to launch your own ventures in 2007. Allow me to give you some food for thought from the other side of that transition. Going from over a decade of salaried work in a licensed profession where I had a clear role and status to full-time self-employment in a profession that is a bit like the Wild West was not without its challenges. If you are an entrepreneur or considering making the leap, here are a few tips I can offer you from my own insights and dope slaps along the way. 1. Admit it when you need help and then ask for it. Pay for it if you have to. Stubborn independence is not an asset when you are stuck.2. Accept help and support without worrying that people will think you less of you if you aren't a 100% Self-Made Success. There is no such thing as a successful person who was not given help along the way.3. Don't overplan. Once you start moving, new energy, new people and new opportunities always show up. You may even discover talents that were previously dormant. Leave some room for synchronicity.4. Develop work habits that bring out your best. It may take a while to shed old habits and the remnants of burnout. Be patient and persistent with yourself and make sure you don't just substitute one stressful job for another. Experiment with what workflow is best for you. 5. You don't have to catch every ball thrown at you. If you are working from home, it does not mean your schedule is free and that you are on call to fill everyone else's needs. Know the difference between a business and a hobby.6. Take a look around you once in a while. One's environment is a very strong, clear reflection of one's overall life balance. Mix business and pleasure. Your work should support and energize you, not drain and consume you. Not sure if you are balanced? Look around you and take note of areas that are being neglected and make a plan to handle them.7. Just because you are good at something doesn't mean you ever really enjoyed it. It's natural to gravitate toward our strongest skills, but they may just be overworked muscles. No one likes feeling incompetent, but if there are skills and talents you would like to explore, make it a priority to devote time to developing them.8. Don't let small stuff serve as a distraction; you will fool no one. We are always making choices, and what we choose to tolerate are the most powerful choices we make in determining how high we will reach in life. Handle the little stuff and be a good gate keeper before clutter accumulates. You may feel like you are busy but is it with the right stuff? If you were on trial for running your business, would you be convicted?9. You won't do it exactly like anyone else. Don't assume that all the experts know the secrets to your success. Study good models but listen to your gut.10. Take care of yourself, you are your greatest asset. People are attracted by the person, not the message. You will succeed when you walk the talk because a powerful life is the greatest attractor.

NaNoWriMo as a Path to Enlightenment? Sara Completes Her Novel

Laura Young — Wed, 29 Nov 2006 10:59:45 EST

Remember young "Sara's" post on NaNoWriMo? For those of you who have been curious about where the process of writing her unauthorized autobiography took her, I am pleased to announce she has successfully completed her novel. The process finished just as strongly for her as it began. I received this from her this morning:It's hard to describe all of my feelings and impressions about this process because I'm still so close to it but a year or even several years from now I think that I'll look back and say, "You know, all of that started when I decided to write a novel." It sounds absolutely crazy - "I'm going to write a 50,000 word novel in thirty days." I've never written fiction outside of school assignments. I had no ideas about plot or characters or anything remotely novel-ish. But I wanted to go through the experience of writing a novel and find out where it would take me, so I decided to do it.Probably the best decision I made early on was to scrap all pretense of a traditional novel and instead write something along the lines of a third person diary, like Jane Goodall scribbling field notes while observing the life of "Sara". That decision served two purposes: 1) it took away any expectations about what my novel "should" be and 2) it allowed me to capture all of those thoughts that had been rattling around in my head for years, the thoughts that always seemed simultaneously too silly and too serious to recognize and commit to paper.It was like taking a vacuum cleaner to my brain and I was shocked at how much that vacuum cleaner collected. The thing that surprised me the most about the writing process itself was that the faster I typed, the faster the ideas came to me. The typing fueled the thoughts, not the other way around. So how has my perspective changed since starting NaNoWriMo? For one thing, I feel much less judgmental toward my own thoughts. When I find myself with those silly/serious thoughts I'm much more likely to let them "be" - to recognize them and give them psychological space instead of shoving them into the attic of my brain.I've noticed a similar mellowing in observing my actions. A whole month of wearing the Jane Goodall hat in observing yourself is bound to affect how you see yourself. I've seen myself take much more of a "well that was interesting" approach to judging my own actions. I think it's no coincidence that I've also started seeing connections between cause and effect, action and reaction, in my daily life where I didn't before. Those tiny little flashes of self-awareness can add up to significant improvements. Maybe the biggest shift caused by my writing experience has been that I feel excited about the future. I don't feel stuck in a rut anymore. I never would have expected that writing 50,000 words that I don't intend for anyone else to ever see could have that effect, but it happened. I can't totally explain the how's or why's of my new energy but I think it comes from doing something so crazy and outrageous and yet also so SAFE.I knew that no one would ever read this novel (or even want to), so I allowed myself to be stupid. And clumsy. And juvenile. And talent-less. The only thing that I DIDN'T allow myself to do was to stop typing before 50,000 words. With such a simple tactile goal, I could focus on the process, not the outcome and that has made all the difference. Because the fun is in the process. Yes, I felt a bit of a rush when I hit 50,000 words, but that rush wouldn't have been worth all the effort I put in over the course of a month.The effort was worth it though. The frenetic typing at six o'clock in the morning, the exhausted encouragement of "just two more minutes", the sigh of relief when the fifteen minute timer beeped (or even better, the decision to keep typing right through it), the occasional shock of "oh my gosh, that idea ISN'T complete crap". Those moments were TOTALLY worth the effort.And now I want to find more of those moments because I know that they're out there. Laura, you know that the traditional "American dream" model of success has never really motivated me. The dream house fills up with junk, the new car smell fades, the big screen TV sucks away your life.But I got so much joy out of a process that didn't cost me a penny and didn't require years of misery to earn. All because I approached this with the intention to enjoy the process, rather than hanging all of my hopes on a short-lived high of elation at the end.What I hope to take from all of this is that I don't have to angst over the horrible question "what am I going to do with my life?". There are millions of ways that I could choose to spend my time and in the end which ones I choose probably won't matter that much. What matters is what I bring to that chosen activity NOW, not what I hope that activity will bring to me maybe, someday.""Sara"Visit NaNoWriMo for more information on how to participate in it or support it.

The Effect of Money on Our Thinking

Laura Young — Tue, 28 Nov 2006 09:33:37 EST

According to a recent report in Science, the mere thought of money changes people and not necessarily for the better.Psychologist Kathleen Vohs, now at the University of Minnesota, has been studying the influence of money on behavior with surprising results. Even the most seemingly benign exposure to images of money, such as seeing a poster depicting different types of currency in the research area resulted in increased "self sufficiency" as well as selfishness in the subjects. People who had received cues to think of money were significantly more reluctant than their non-money exposed counterparts to ask for assistance solving difficult problems. They were far less eager to offer help as well, spending only half as much time, on average, assisting others around them who were in need of assistance. Consistently, money-primed subjects chose individualistic activities, apparently not wishing to depend on nor be depended upon by others.If merely thinking about money primes people to behave in more narrowly self-interested ways, social scientists contend that financial success as a goal may have an eroding effect on societies standing in direct opposition to community-focused goals.The scientific study of psychology of money is a relatively recent phenomena but with results such as these, expect to see more in the future. The article concludes, "Being overly preoccupied with money, especially for the 'wrong' reasons, is characteristic of those who score highly on a measure of materialism, and such people tend to be less happy than others. Given the centrality of money in modern societies, gaining a more comprehensive understanding of the causes and effects of behavior toward money is clearly not just a scientific project; it also has a contribution to make toward understanding, and perhaps enhancing, human happiness and well-being."And from what I understand, it can't buy you love, either.Personally, I find these findings quite intriguing when I reflect back on the "money issues" my clients have brought to me over the years. One fear often stated by individuals I have spoken with is that they associate wealthy individuals with such characteristics as selfishness and lack of compassion for those of lower socioeconomic status and harbor concerns that money may cause them to develop some of these same qualities. Knowing these individuals the way I did, I was disinclined to share their fears, as I knew them to be generous, conscious, and socially minded individuals. Perhaps they had been attuned to the subtle effects that money played upon their psyches as demonstrated in this research, making their caution warranted. There is quite a delicate balance to be struck as we live in a world that requires greater sums of money every year to maintain a basic standard of living with access to food, clothing, shelter, transportation, education, and healthcare. Particularly for those who are self-employed or business owners, for whom so much thought must be given to income streams and the monetization of their lives, the issue of money and the place it has in one's life may be a psychological minefield. The costs of attaining financial prosperity may pose more of a threat to the peace of mind and sense of security we assume money will bring than we realize.I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. In your experience and observation, have you seen the trend toward selfishness or more narrowed self-focus play out?

Developing Creativity (Final): Creative Risks, Creative Gambles and Critics

Laura Young — Mon, 27 Nov 2006 22:54:57 EST

Just joining the article series? Part one can be read in Culture’s November 23 lineup.Creative Risks/Creative GamblesIf you are new to exploring your creativity, make sure you don’t scare yourself silly by taking on something too big or too public. It’s okay, and sometimes very wise, to let your first creative efforts stay under the radar of family, friends, and talent scouts. Accept that you will have a technical learning curve as you master whichever medium you adopt and that this learning process will result in a deepening of your understanding of your own creative voice (or artistic eye). Your understanding will lead you to learn more specific technical aspects of your work and this in turn will enrich your voice. This conversation between you, yourself, and your medium will be plenty at first. Later you can pick the most comfortable of the uncomfortable options for making your efforts more public. Put one or two eggs in your psychic basket and let the feedback develop you. Resist the temptation to base your ultimate worth as a creative being on what you produce and share when you are still learning. And you will always be learning. You may always need a day job to support your creative endeavors. Don’t let that derail you or force you to devalue your creative process. The process is the thing… let yourself enter the dialogue without demands on the outcome. Creativity is a process through which you will discover yourself. This will be a lot easier when you are willing to believe you are someone worth getting to know.Finally, A Word About Critics (from within and without)Don’t confuse the significance of your creative voice with the quality of your creative technique. Work on technical growth, but while you are on your way to mastery keep a look out for your artistic perspective. Technique can always be developed and your artistic stirrings will tell you where technique needs developing for its most potent expression.When you show your work to others, don’t be surprised if most people assume you want a response to the technical merit of your creation. And, of course, you do. But be sure to take an expanded vision of your work and don’t let technical critics put spells on you that silence your artistic voice. If someone launches in to a technical evaluation of your work without bothering to express curiosity about what you were trying to say or what attracted you to the subject or the medium you chose, the value of the critique is compromised. If the intended message is understood it is much easier to assess where and why the work did or didn’t live up to what you have envisioned. With that level of understanding, and with your ego out of the way for the sake of your development, your skills can be grown and developed. Critique without context is dangerous. Critique born out of understanding and a true desire to communicate something that is important to you to share is priceless and can be transformative for a creative person. Comparing your technical expertise to the student next to you in art class, or to your best friend, or Picasso simply compares tool kit to tool kit. Let it inspire you and motivate you but never let that stop you from being curious about your unique creative perspective. Allow yourself to imitate styles, try different approaches, and willingly immerse yourself in the process of allowing your perspective its truest expression.Let yourself surprise yourself.Now go play, your aliens await…

Developing Creativity (Part Four): More on Courting the Muse

Laura Young — Sun, 26 Nov 2006 19:25:40 EST

Just joining the article series? Part one can be read in Culture’s November 23 lineup.Be curious about your creative process and expect creative rests.There is a tremendous difference between being creative and simply being productive. For those of you who are used to multi-tasking, learning to release yourself into your natural creative rhythm can feel downright torturous. We have such an emphasis on personal productivity and speed to market for businesses in our culture that our internal processes very often are discounted, if not discouraged outright.The reality is actual creative output is merely the tip of the iceberg that is the creative self. Each of us carries within ourselves a huge lab where great experiments are under way. Even as you read this, your internal alchemists are busily relating these words to other thoughts, insights and experiences you have had and spinning them into your own unique perspective. Some of you reading this will be quite aware of this process and may be even be making notes in the margins while you read. For others, this process may be happening largely outside your conscious awareness.Whether you are aware of it or not, you are always taking in information from your environment and fitting it together in a way that tells the story of how you see the world and your place in it. Creativity is the process of turning that story into a dialogue within whatever medium you choose. And, as we should do in any good conversation, sometimes we just need to shut up and listen. And, sometimes, in really close relationships like those between best friends or old married couples in love, silence can be full and rich.If you befriend your creative process and engage it in a conversation based on trust and respect, it will not disappoint you. Sometimes those internal alchemists simply need time to mull things over a bit but, rest assured, they will mull them over. They can’t help it. It’s what they were built for. And they work without your conscious manipulation and control. That’s the hard part for most of us; trusting that something is going on in there even when you aren’t in control of it and don’t see evidence of it on the outside. But if you have ever had a great thought in a dream, solved a problem while weeding your garden or remembered that forgotten song title while you were in the shower, you have evidence that your mind will give up the goods once you relax a bit.Once you trust yourself, you can actually program yourself to be ready when you need to be outwardly creative. I do this every time I have a project do. I look at the calendar, tell myself, “Okay, Brain, you have to be ready to write that chapter next Thursday, start working on it. I’m going to go do laundry now.” Because my creative self and I have an open and trusting relationship this process has never failed me. I had to work up to trusting it with really big projects, but it has passed every test.Pavlov’s Dog… what every pet knows If you are a pet owner, you are aware of the uncanny way your cat seems to know when you are about to open the can of cat food, or the way your dog knows when you are getting the leash for a walk. Pavlov’s dog knew that the sound of the bell meant food was on its way and would begin salivating just at the sound. In psychology, this is called classical conditioning and, I hate to break it to you, but you and Pavlov’s dog have a lot in common. The good news is, now you have a wonderful opportunity to train yourself to be creative when you want to be!You may have heard that some artists and athletes have rituals they employ when they are being called upon to perform. This is the same principle we are working with. Our environment and our rituals become associated with the activity we are engaging in. I was accidentally conditioned in childhood when we did our Sunday house cleaning while my dad played his stereo. To this day, whenever I hear Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Goin’ On?” I get a nearly uncontrollable urge to clean the kitchen. In fact, when I need to clean and am not in the mood, I put Marvin on the stereo and instantly I become the White Tornado.You can do exactly the same thing. Create the environment that most supports your creativity and set it up consistently. Consistency is the key here. Your brain will then associate the environment with the activity. When I write my coaching newsletter, I always begin with my cup of tea and burning incense while at the computer. In fact, I have incense going right now. This sends the signal to my brain, “Oh, it must be time for some focused writing now,” and the process begins to flow almost effortlessly as a result.Speaking of cleaning… move your body, use your hands!I can’t emphasize this enough. Just as I said earlier that you are always taking in information from your environment that can be used as creative grist for the mill, it’s important to realize that your entire body is taking in information. You are taking in smells, sounds, physical sensations, tastes, just as you are taking in visual input and information. Creative processing takes place on a whole body level. Watch people’s hands while they talk if you don’t believe me. Even if your creative mode of expression does not involve your entire body, your creative processing will be enhanced by the use of your body. Simple repetitive tasks, like weeding the garden, ironing, walking, riding your bike and washing dishes can be wonderful focusing tools. Cleaning closets is nearly a silver bullet for removing creative blocks. Don’t be deceived. These activities are not procrastination when you have developed the relationship with your creative self which allows you to trust that internal processing is going on. You just have to keep your promise to show up and give it an outlet later. Don’t forget that those rituals to coax it out will help that process considerably!Next up: Creative Risks, Creative Gambles and Critics