Blogcritics

The L.A. Galaxy Come Back Down to Earth

Alessandro Nicolo — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 23:15:22 EDT

David Beckham plays for us? Really? Really.
Vasco da Gama says, "We're your galaxy now, Dave."Hal (2002: Space Odyssey): "Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?"For a team called the Galaxy they sure are touchy about David Posh's intergalactic journeys. It finally hit them like a meteor. I guess. Let's listen to the GM of the Galaxy Alexei Lalas shall we? "We (the Battlestar Galactica)...

Announcement: Short-content feeds

Phillip Winn — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 12:00:00 EDT

Sunday, August 26, 2007, marks the switch of all Blogcritics.org article feeds from full-content to short-content. This is the result of several converging factors, and is unfortunately a permanent decision (as permanent as any decision can be on the web, that is). We are aware of all of the reasons that this is a Bad Idea, and we are aware that some of you will be quite upset about having to click on something to read the free content, and we're sorry. Unfortunately, despite great effort, full-content feeds are not currently economically viable. Two other factors are involved: full-content feeds have resulted in an unprecedented level of content theft, with BC content appearing on many websites, usually spam sites, without attribution or permission. This duplicate content causes a cascading set of problems, not the least of which is that search engines generally aren't favorable to duplicate content, and don't always guess correctly. Finally, our RSS advertising partner is strongly in favor of short-content feeds. We hope that you'll continue to subscribe to BC via RSS, and when an article grabs your eye, it's only a click away, still free on the BC website. Thank you for your understanding.

Rickey Henderson Considers Comeback, And How To Save Cycling

Alessandro Nicolo — Sun, 3 Jun 2007 19:49:08 EDT

1) Vasco da Gama thinks out loud, “Hmm, maybe I too can make a comeback too… are Isabella and Ferdinand still around?”Rickey Henderson is mulling a comeback. Who’s next? Wade Boggs? Archie Cianfrocco? Pascual Perez? Henderson might been overheard saying, “I got fed up of stealing bases at my local park. Damn kids can’t throw for shit.” It has been reported that in the past few nights, neighbors “caught” Henderson running around the bases high-fiving himself at 3 am. 2) Giovanni Caboto reports, “Ok, so I got confused between the New World and India. Get over it. But I did discover the A1GP…”The A1GP is the World Cup of Motorsport where nations compete for auto racing supremacy. The interesting aspect of the A1GP is that no team has a financial or technological advantage thus leveling the playing field. Twenty-two countries, including auto-racing powerhouses India and Pakistan, took part in the recently concluded 2006-07 season. Incidentally, the two border enemies entered thinking it was a race to see who could build a nuclear bomb faster. Um, in any event Germany won this year’s edition, followed by New Zealand. 3) Jacques Cartier pulls no punches: “Man, I’ve seen better fights between my crew and Indians than this one…”Ok. It wasn’t that bad but we did expect more from the fight between Oscar De la Hoya Floyd Mayweather. No? Both boxers went in with a specific strategy and stuck to their Swiss army knives. When it comes to close decisions De la Hoya is as lucky as a kid who gets to cut his father’s toenails. 4) Sir Francis Drake’s history tidbit: “When someone offers you a shoe, take it.”I’ve often wondered how the Magnificent Magyars from Hungary were not able to take the 1954 World Cup. I read all sorts of stories about the game but nothing gave me a thorough sense as to what happened. The Hungarians weren’t just better. They were superior. They dominated not just the European continent but also the entire world. They were it. Until I saw the following on a program. It might have been Dog the Bounty Hunter. I can't remember. Anyway, it turns out the Germans wore a new type of soccer shoe by Adi Dassler (the founder of Adidas) that allowed them to gain better traction on a wet field. In the “D’Oh” category, the Hungarian soccer federation declined the offer by the German company to supply the Hungarians with the shoe. Imagine that? Done in by a shoe. Reminds me of the famous 1977 Grey Cup (aka The Ice Bowl and Staples Game) where the Montreal Alouettes – perennial bridesmaids to the Edmonton Eskimos – managed to slaughter the Esks 41-6 on a freezing, icy conditions in Montreal’s Olympic Stadium? Turns out they stapled their shoes to gain grip on the slippery turf - not exactly scientific but ingenious nonetheless. 6) Magellan observes: “Close but no sugar cane…”John Hopkins defeated Duke 12-11 to win the NCAA lacrosse title. I ran into the streets naked screaming, “You’re my boy blue!” after the victory. While the story is not exactly emotionally stirring any Americans, it really was impressive how Duke made it to the finals, all things considered – and I’d rather not get into it here. If you don’t know already what happened to them you don’t deserve to be alive. 7) Lewis (but not Clark) kneels, “King James, please. Please take Cleveland…”Pass, shoot, pass, shoot! For days on end the media harped about the famous pass off by Lebron James. An act of selflessness led to questions about whether he was a true leader. In a team sport where one guy has the power to have a direct impact on a game, being selfish is a good thing. Your teammates expect you to be greedy. If you pulled out Excalibur from the rock then you must lead Camelot if you will. Maybe James was not ready to take it to the next level at that time. But, whoa Nellie, did he rise up to the occasion or what? 8) Mr. Peabody has an idea. “I can fix and save cycling.”On the heels of Bjarne Riis’s about-face regarding his 1996 triumph of the Tour de France, cycling is reeling under a dark suspicious cloud. No kidding. You try and ride up a mountain for 200km and see if you can do it on nothing but carbs and Kool-Aid. You need an aid to aid the aid if you catch my cool drift. You think Barry Bonds will admit ten years from now he was jacked up on something? “Ah man, I was sooo loaded and you guys couldn’t prove a damn thing, ha ha – cough – ha, h….”On to the suggestions:-Make it a race between vineyards. Bikers must gulp down a shot of wine at a predetermined vineyard. Sit, back, relax and watch them stagger to the line. -Increase peloton accidents. Have a bull or an unpopular politician pop out of nowhere and let riders try and negotiate avoiding the obstacles. -Or have one peloton start at one end and another at the opposite end. Kick back and watch the impending collision. Next time I will tell you how to make curling fun to watch. One way is to have the rocks explode each time they collide. What about sailing? Simple. Allow for pirate ships from Southeast Asia to partake. That’ll learn that elitist Ameri-Euro trash to play on the water. For the record: Cool name of the month? Vancouver Giants junior hockey player Wacey Rabbit … Speaking of the Canadian Hockey League, the Giants won the Memorial Cup (a tournament that pits the champions of the Quebec, Ontario and Western leagues) over the Medicine Hat Tigers. Is it time to start inviting NCAA teams to this wildly popular and prestigious hockey tournament? &ellip; AC Milan defeated Liverpool 2-1 to capture its 7th Champions League title … A wacky turn of events marred a recent Euro qualifying match between Sweden and Denmark. Denmark’s Christian Poulsen – the Ken Linseman of soccer – punched a Swedish player in the stomach. This remarkably stupid action rightfully earned him a red card that sent him off the field. As the Swedes prepared to take the penalty that would possibly have given them the lead, a fan jumped on the field and attacked the referee who subsequently called the game off in the 89th minute. It’s a shame because this was a crucial game for Denmark who trailed 3-0 at one point only to fight back and tie the game. Poulsen has put Denmark in a tough spot and UEFA may grant Sweden the three points … has anyone noticed Derek Jeter’s smug smirk has suddenly turned sober? The Chicago White Sox are hitting .233 as a team. Just something that caught my eye.

Alessandro Nicolo is an obtuse freelance writer living in obscene obscurity.

April Showers For Pacman, Chris Henry Were Acid Rain

Alessandro Nicolo — Tue, 1 May 2007 23:24:34 EDT

Vasco da Gama says, “At least girls gone wild take off their tops. What are these guys giving back?”Lordy, Lord, Lord, Lord. This was not a good month for Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones, Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry, Islanders defenseman Sean Hill and Panthers goaltender Ed Belfour. All deserved what they got. As for Belfour, he did learn from the last time he tried to bribe police with billions of dollars. This time he toned it down and offered Miami police a more plausible amount reported to be in the thousands. I kid. What a bunch of nappy hea….um, losers. Giovanni Caboto teaches, “They say history repeats itself…”Barcelona’s striker Lionel Messi scored one of those timeless goals we will continue to hear about and see for years to come. What made the goal he scored against Getafe in Spain’s La Liga was so interesting was how close it mirrored a goal 21 years earlier by a fellow Argentine. Soccer fans will forever remember Diego Maradona’s stunning work of art against England during the 1986 World Cup. These Argentinean’s sure know how to score goals. Recall the 24-pass masterpiece they scored in Germany 2006.Jacques Cartier has a suggestion: “Why not do the same for basketball, hockey or soccer?”I read Jerry Kramer’s Instant Replay this past week. I was in a bookstore and headed for the sports section and stumbled upon it. I had no intention of buying a sports book – I wanted to buy Calvin and Hobbes or the complete works of Jeremy Bentham. Anyway, I don’t regret it for a minute. What a wonderful piece of sports lore. Reading about Vince Lombardi and the Green Bay Packers sent shivers down my spine. It got me thinking. As far as I know, there are two sports classics in the form of a diary. Jim Bouton’s Ball Four and Kramer's Instant Replay. By the way, diaries kill autobiographies by a mile. They are more raw. Anyone can look back and sugarcoat in an autobiography. I’m surprised basketball, soccer, nor hockey have done the same. For soccer, I would ask a player to keep a diary during the World Cup. In fact, I would suggest the following to a publisher: why not do the same thing again for the NFL and MLB but with two different players? It would give fascinating insights as to how the game has changed – if at all - over the years. Sir Francis Drake giggles, “You know when you have a problem when PT Barnum takes precedence over your sport…”At the end of the NHL season the Montreal Canadiens and New York Rangers played an important game with playoff implications. Canadiens head coach Guy Carbonneau complained that his team could not practice because the circus was in town. He wondered why the NHL allowed such things to happen. Because, Guy, PT Barnum gets higher ratings than the NHL. De Balboa asserts, “Is there a tougher championship or trophy to win than the Stanley Cup?”Bad ratings aside, when I was kid I watched every damn sport religiously. I played soccer at a high level. Naturally, many debates and discussions took place about sports. The one thing we always believed and still do to this day is that the Stanley Cup playoff grind is by far the toughest thing in pro sports. If there is something harder to achieve I’d like to hear about it. Columbus notes, “Man, who knew door mats can rise?”I remember reading in Mad Magazine years ago about how the Seattle Mariners were never going to win a World Series. I thought to myself, "How low can you sink as an organization to be spoofed in Mad?" The Golden State Warriors (why aren't they called Oakland?) were always one of those laughingstocks. Not anymore after their 103-99 victory over Dallas Mavericks to take a 3-1 series lead. On another basketball note, how does one explain the Heat going down while whimpering (and whimping) in four to the Chicago Bulls? Magellan offers gambling advice: “Randy Moss is a good gamble…”Seriously, for a 4th round pick? Maybe the Moss Migraine will prove a better fit than T.O. in Dallas. Maybe Randy Moss will finally settle down and actually help a team. The New England Patriots – along with the Philadelphia Eagles – are among the best organizations in pro football so you have to figure they know what they are doing. With Moss (and Donte' Stallworth, who hitched a ride into town from Philly) New England sees its average yards per catch shoot up to 15 (15.8 Moss and 15.1 Stallworth) from 11. The Pats made some smart signings during the off season and New England haters just may have to face the prospect of them reaching the Super Bowl again. Everyone hates the the bad boy - until they are on your tea team. Lewis but not Clark: “Oh could you all just please shut up we’re trying to play here!”Am I the only one tired of the antics of Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho, Sir Alex Ferguson of Manchester United and Arsenal’s Arsene Wenger? Together they comprise the Whining Triumvirate of English football. Everything from officiating, fan violence to conspiracy theories these three need to chill and take a pill.Mr. Peabody: “First Darryl Kyle five years ago and now Josh Hancock. The St. Louis Cardinals family mourn again.” For the record, Sherman: While AC Milan may be the lone non-English side remaining in the Champions League semi-finals they are the most distinguished. The rossoneri have won nearly as many titles (6) than Chelsea (0), Liverpool (5) and Manchester United (2) combined. In addition, they have reached the finals 10 times as compared to the eight (six for Liverpool and two for Man Utd.) by the other semi-finalists ... Turns out Romario – in his quest to become only the second player after Pele to score 1 000 goals - over stated his goal count by over 100 goals. It’s not surprising. This sort of poor cataloging has always plagued soccer … Newsflash: the Yankees are 9-14. Hey, at least their ahead of the Royals … Roger Federer reached 500 career wins during the Monte Carlo Masters … Max Chilton is like any other 16-year-old. Except he recently became the youngest F3 driver in history … Coolest name in April? That goes to Australian rider Casey Stoner who recently overtook the legendary Valentino Rossi in the overall MotoGP standings … Anyone catch Lindy Ruff at the end of Game 2? Man, and the Sabres won that game! You probably already know but the De La Hoya-Mayweather fight on May 5 will take place on Cinco de Mayo.

Alessandro Nicolo is an obtuse freelance writer living in obscene obscurity.

Tank Johnson Fires Back At Probation Sentence

Alessandro Nicolo — Sat, 31 Mar 2007 23:00:00 EDT

Vasco da Gama says “They don’t call him Tank for nothing…”Have you read Tank Johnson’s new book? So, You Wanna be a Private Military Contractor. Kidding aside, I’m a strong believer in it’s the collection of the “small” stuff that lends insights into the state of our society. In deeming his 120-day sentence (for violating his probation) as being “unnecessarily harsh,” Tank reveals how being unwilling to stand up and be accountable is reaching cultish status. This from a guy who not only hangs around with alleged crime figures and was found to be in possession of six guns and two assault rifles, but was allowed to play in the Super Bowl despite being under house arrest and not being allowed to leave the state of Illinois. Giovanni Caboto comments, “Chris Simon is mental….”What else to describe it? I’m on record as saying that the NHL is not stringent enough when it comes to dirty play. Not “Pig Pen” dirty but Claude Lemieux dirty. What Chris Simon did was indeed assault, but spare me the legal action talk. Let sports govern itself. We don’t need all sorts of cumquats coming in prosecuting sports violence. You never want to mix the two. The NHL has to govern itself. Despite this, the talk all week was about whether fighting has a place in the game. Of course it does. Gary Bettman said it was so it must be right. How about the NHL crack down on cross checking from behind and the psycho stick work before we discuss how fighting should be governed or outlawed. Right?Jacques Cartier brags, “You stupide Americans and Canadiens. Roogby is beeger than all your little sports…”I know. Hard to believe that a Frenchman who let some of his buddies die of scurvy can be right. Here are the facts: the Rugby World Cup is the third biggest spectacle in the world (with roughly 3.5 billion spectators in 205 countries) after the Olympics and the World Cup. Cricket is mighty big too. But I don’t care. Sir Francis Drake sympathizes, “Hey, I’m always being called a pirate even though I give back to the community…”Everyone deserves a second chance. Even John Rocker. Come on. Was he that wrong? I can barely handle chicks with tattoos. Anyway, Tim Hardaway has expressed regret for his remarks about gay people and is willing to make amends for this. Hey, it’s not like he bought Tank Johnson’s book (see above). All things considered, Hardaway can be saved. Who will be doing the saving I don’t know. Now to do something about former NBA star Michael Ray Richardson’s classic, "I've got big-time lawyers, I've got big-time Jew lawyers." And Jew doctors, Jew accountants, Jew bankers, Jew… you get the picture.Aug. 12, 1950 N.Y. Giants 20, Ottawa Rough Riders (CFL) 6 Aug. 11, 1951 N.Y. Giants 38, Ottawa Rough Riders (CFL) 6 Aug. 5, 1959 Chicago Cardinals 55, Toronto Argonauts (CFL) 26 Aug. 6, 1960 Pittsburgh Steelers 43, Toronto Argonauts (CFL) 16 Aug. 2, 1961 St. Louis Cardinals 36, Toronto Argonauts (CFL) 7 Aug. 5, 1961 Chicago Bears 34, Montreal Alouettes (CFL) 16 Aug. 8, 1961 Hamilton Tiger-Cats (CFL) 38, Buffalo Bills 21De Balboa swears, “I once saw a CFL team beat an NFL team… I swear, or my name isn’t… Rocky de Balboa…” I have to verify that historical fact. Rocky? In Portugal? Where was I? Who am I? Why am I here? Oh, between 1950 and 1961 the Canadian Football League and National Football League played seven exhibition games all played in Canada. A special rule book was designed since both leagues played with different rules. It didn’t matter: The NFL won six of the seven games. Small note: while Canadian football and the Grey Cup had been around for decades prior the CFL did not official form until 1954. It went through a similar evolution as the NFL with amalgamations of different leagues. Columbus shouts, “Bunch of cry babies…”So who complains more in Europe? F1 teams that lose to Ferrari, Arsenal genius manager Arsene Wenger or France’s head coach Raymond Domenech? Is it me? Or has it grown tiresome to hear coaches and teams complain like babies? F1 teams are especially annoying given the colorful accusations and wild conspiracy theories they throw around. They cry bloody foul every time they lose. Let me rephrase this. Each time they lose to Ferrari. F1 had to change the bloody rules to please the losers and Ferrari still finds a way to win. Hmm. Methinks grapes are sour in the cock pits of the teams. Here’s a thought: how about you build faster cars. Can it be that? Nah.Magellan laments, “Man, I coulda used that guy on my crew…”It’s now six gold medals and counting for American Michael Phelps at the World Aquatics Championships. So. Is he among the most dominant athletes? I definitely rank him ahead of Tiger Woods. Golf versus swimming. Hmm, tough one. Lewis (but not Clark) reminds, “Remember Kids, those Canadians are up to no good…”Canadians are MVP’s in three of the four major sports (assuming hockey is a major sport). Justin Morneau, Steve Nash and Joe Thornton. Just thought I’d mention this.Mr. Peabody was seen slapping Sherman off the side of the head, “You paid how much to watch this? Haven’t I taught you anything? You’re as dumb as that moose sometimes.”Rock, paper, scissors. Where would we be without it? How would we choose our captains in disorganized sports? Who would we know bats first? Who goes QB?” RPS was a brilliant invention in this manner. Did you know there’s an RPS World Championships? I kid not. I’m too serious to jest. Anyway, check it out. What’s your favorite throw? Yeesh.RIP: Former MLB Commish Bowie Kuhn.For the record: Mike Modano surpassed Joey Mullen as the all-time leading goal scorer for American-born players. Mullen had 502 goals. For those of you wondering about Team USA sniper Brett Hull and his 741 goals: Hull was born in Canada. And who is the all-time leading American point getter? Phil Housely with 1232. Modano is next with 1223 including this season …Who the bleepin’ is John Tavares? Some 16 year-old kid who plays for the Oshawa Generals of the Ontario Hockey League recently broke Wayne Gretzky’s record for goals in a single season which stood at 70. The kid hit 71. That’s who. Of course, he has a long, long, LONG way before reaching 99's 894 NHL goals … Vasco da Gama striker Romario expects to score his 1000th goal this weekend in a match against Botafogo in Brazil. When he does, he will become only the second player to ever do so … Ever hear of David Healy? Me neither. Hey, they don’t pay me for this. So what’s his story? In scoring both goals for Northern Ireland’s upset 2-1 victory over Sweden earlier this week, David Healy now leads all Euro 2008 scorers with 9 in six games. Tiny, little Northern Ireland now stands atop Group ahead of such notables as Sweden, Denmark, and Spain.

Alessandro Nicolo is an obtuse freelance writer living in obscene obscurity.

NFL Commissioner Not About To Take The Points

Alessandro Nicolo — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 22:12:10 EST

Vasco da Gama says: "Methinks Charles Barkley is writing Roger Goodell's speeches..."Here's one from the desk of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and his position on gambling. I kid not. Earlier this month he stressed the importance of "keeping a strong line between the NFL and sports betting. I don't think it is in the best interest of the NFL to have any association with sports betting."Huh? Wha? Huh? Who will be the first commentator to say, "Colts win the Super Bowl! More importantly, they covered!"Giovanni Caboto says: "Jose Mourinho proclaims he is bigger than The Beatles..."The cult of the divinity would have suited the Chelsea manager just fine. It's one thing to be regarded as a fine coach by peers and quite another when you thump your own chest. For the record, after a public spat with Arsenal's French manager Arsene Wenger, Mourinho stated that he was one of the greatest coaches ever and definitely the greatest coach to come out of Portugal. Get this guy a purple robe and a red carpet. Now!Jacques Cartier says: "I was on YouTube and found this brawl. Reminds me of the good old days when we used to rumble in the forests with les Indiens."I was never prouder to be Canadian that day in 1987. Once upon a time we Canadians knew how to stand up and act barbaric. We couldn't beat the godless commies militarily, but on the ice all we needed were basic resources like wood and frozen water. The gold medal was ours, but after being disqualified for freaking the girlie Europeans out, this was the next best thing. It's a shame we did not beat up everyone. Refs, people in the stands, officials for interpreting hockey the wrong way; you name it. When I went outside after the game I punched the first person I saw. Yeah, I know. Little old ladies don't count but this one had it coming for keeping my orange hockey ball a few years earlier. Canada is the best. Sir Francis Drake says: "I'd rather be called a pirate any day than be Trevis Smith."Former Saskatchewan Roughriders linebacker Trevis Smith was sentenced to a total of six years for knowingly spreading the HIV virus to two women in Canada. Throughout the trial Smith refused to admit his guilt. It's okay, Smith. Ever read Dante's Inferno? Something tells me Charon will be talking you across the River Styx to your condo in hell. De Balboa says: "In my day, gay people never came out of the gallows." Oof, Tim "I do it the Hardway" Hardaway. I hate gay people? There's no place for them in the United States? Yikes! How to respond to such raw honesty? Didn't he ever watch Seinfeld? Not that there's anything wrong with that. Columbus says: "I like when the Sabres play Ruff."Has there been a more underrated coach in the NHL these past few seasons? In fact, I will submit that Lindy Ruff is one of the best coaches in sports. How do he and GM Darcy Regier do it? How do the Sabres consistently take discarded players and turn them into a cohesive, menacing and relentless success story? More importantly, here's a coach and organization that never made excuses when faced with adversity (to say nothing about his personal life. Ruff lost his brother in the famous Swift Current Broncos tragic bus accident and his daughter had successful surgery to remove a brain tumour a year ago) in the way of injuries. Now that's a team. I seriously would not mind if the Sabres win a cup. Magellan says: "Gilbert stank out the Arenas." Gilbert Arenas promised to score 50 points against the Portland Trailblazers. He gave the Wizards nine. He recently went 4 for 22 from the field against the T-Wolves. I'd lay off the promises for this year, Gilbert. I hope he doesn't gamble. Lewis but not Clark: "Chicago Blackhawks GM Rick Dudley and Adam Morrison of the Charlotte Bobcats are related."One looks like he knows his way around a porn set as a seasoned "actor" and the other has peach fuzz that gives the impression he is about to join Dudley. Mr. Peabody says: "R.I.P., Dennis Johnson."He was a member of a timeless team from a bygone era. Amen.For the record: Why is it when it comes to discussing the greatest receivers of all time, it seems that Green Bay Packers receiver Don Hutson is never mentioned? It's a strange omission. Between 1936 and 1945 he only led the NFL in receptions eight times. The receivers closest to him were: Billy Wilson, Pete Pihos, Tom Fears, Raymond Berry, Sterling Sharpe and... Jerry Rice. Each led the league a mere three times. And I would like to add someone to the most current dominant athlete debate. My selection is motorcycle racer Valentino Rossi, widely regarded to be one of the greatest racers of all-time.

Alessandro Nicolo is an obtuse freelance writer living in obscene obscurity.

Bill Belichick Leaves Bargain-Bin Impression On Today's Fashion Scene

Alessandro Nicolo — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 18:49:17 EST

Each and every month I will channel the spirits of the explorers of yesteryear and expound on their opinions regarding the past month in the sports world. Vasco da Gama says: "I swear I saw Bill Belichick at Home Depot wearing an apron selling plywood."Did anyone catch him on the sideline with a pencil in his ear? Seriously, someone has to sit the New England Patriots coach down and tell him a grown man must enhance his attire to project some dignity. It's one thing to be called a genius and quite another to try and look like a mad scientist. Giovanni Caboto reports: "The Cincinnati Bengals lost to a collection of former NBA basketball stars 14-7 in a local prison pickup game."I just want to know where the Bengals are drafting these kids. What, nine arrests in one month? Someone should tell them that the NBA is that way. Steve Yzerman is the essence of what a leader is. Tim Duncan too. Sadly, something along the way was lost in translation. Jacques Cartier wonders: "Le hockey all-star game is more painful to watch than CSI Miami."I watched exactly six minutes of the NHL all-star game. The thing keeps getting worse and worse. No hitting. No slap shots. No naked chicks. No nothing. Ovechkin and Crosby had as much chemistry as the time I went on a date with my 8th grade teacher. Either the league has to come up with an incentive or scrap it out right. Sir Francis Drake Drake witnessed: "….and then Mutombo accidentally sat on that little Asian lady during the State of the Union address."Watching the State of the Union Address should provide us all with enough material for the next year. Like, I was concerned that some of those people were going to get up for the very last time given that it was probably the only exercise they've had in, like, years. Did anyone stare at Nancy Pelosi and wonder that once upon a time she must have been hot? Or is it just me? Anyway, good for Dikembe Mutombo. He's a U.S. citizen now. There's no turning back. De Balboa observes: "When I went to the urinals earlier I saw Beckham call Posh on his cell and told her that he went by himself. He then smiled in the mirror."So. Just who is making the decisions in the Beckham household these days? Scratch that. Make that the Spice household. We now all know who wears the panties and who wears the pants. Columbus declares: "Sepp Blatter is full of urine."If I were outgoing UEFA President Lennart Johansson I would be upset with Sepp Blatter also. Mind you, who hasn't Shlepp rubbed the wrong way? Good going, Shlepp old boy. It seems Shlepp, who happens to have a very hard time keeping his trap shut, threw his support behind the recently elected Michel Platini before the vote. What a guy that Shelpp. Recall that this is the joker who broke with World Cup tradition by not presenting Italy with the trophy in 2006. Magellan offers his two cents: "Didn't Andy Reid get off easy?"When compared to Marty Shottenheimer? Yes, I suppose he did. Marty has a thin black cloud over him. Ain't his fault the Browns lost on two freak drives led by Elway. Nor was he to be entirely blamed for the fact that the Chargers couldn't put away the Patriots. Reid on the other hand has made one to many questionable play calls that directly affect the outcome of the game. 4th and 15….he should have gone for it. Easy for me to say - I click the TV off if it doesn't work.Lewis but not Clark predicts: "The Colts will either win 41-6 or 21-20. The Bears will either win 38-14 or 17-14."That just abut covers that. It's a tough one to read indeed. Since I joined the BC insane 500 challenge I'll stick with my 27-23 score line in favor of......the Colts. Mr. Peabody recites: "By the time he's done Roger Federer will be the greatest tennis player of all-time. He may even finish as the most dominant athlete -- period."Amen to that. Until next month.

Alessandro Nicolo is an obtuse freelance writer living in obscene obscurity.