http://blogcritics.org/ A sinister cabal of superior bloggers on music, books, film, popular culture, politics, and technology - updated continuously. en Copyright 2005-2007 by the authors Thu, 5 Aug 2004 13:01:46 EDT http://backend.userland.com/rss Blogcritics.org custom software http://blogcritics.org/ Phillip WinnSunday, August 26, 2007, marks the switch of all Blogcritics.org article feeds from full-content to short-content. This is the result of several converging factors, and is unfortunately a permanent decision (as permanent as any decision can be on the web, that is). We are aware of all of the reasons that this is a Bad Idea, and we are aware that some of you will be quite upset about having to click on something to read the free content, and we're sorry. Unfortunately, despite great effort, full-content feeds are not currently economically viable. Two other factors are involved: full-content feeds have resulted in an unprecedented level of content theft, with BC content appearing on many websites, usually spam sites, without attribution or permission. This duplicate content causes a cascading set of problems, not the least of which is that search engines generally aren't favorable to duplicate content, and don't always guess correctly. Finally, our RSS advertising partner is strongly in favor of short-content feeds. We hope that you'll continue to subscribe to BC via RSS, and when an article grabs your eye, it's only a click away, still free on the BC website. Thank you for your understanding. Administration0@blogcritics.org Sun, 26 Aug 2007 12:00:00 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/08/05/130146.php in10sityI'm not good at remembering when holidays are coming up. That's why I'm lucky that there are always commercials on TV around the time of the holiday that remind me. Like around Father's Day stores will start to advertise their Father's Day sale. Or maybe you'll see a commercial for a certain product saying to buy it and "make this Mother's Day special." I always see this and think, "Ohhh right, Mother's Day is this week, I almost forgot."But... I've noticed that they only do this for the big well known holidays. I wish these commercials could be even more specific. Like, for the birthday's of people I know. "Make Tim's birthday special this year." Ohhh right, it's Tim's birthday this week. "Make your brother's 18th birthday one that he will remember forever." Ohhh yeah, he turns 18 in two days. "Our 'Your Grandma's 90th Birthday Sale' starts Friday!" Damn that's right... thank god for these commercials.I think I want to be a comedian. Culture18313@blogcritics.org Thu, 5 Aug 2004 13:01:46 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/07/23/150932.php in10sityEver ask someone a normal everyday question, and they answer by telling you that they don't have a clue? Like one time I asked this guy if he had the time... he said he had no clue... it was as if we were trying to solve some sort of strange time related mystery. All of a sudden we became time detectives. "Hey look, footprints! This clue will surely lead us to the time!"Just once I'd like to ask someone a question and have them answer "I have a clue" and then play some kind of fun guessing game with them. "Excuse me, do you have the time?" "I have a clue! It's after 4:00, but it's before 9:00. "I still don't know, I'm going to need another clue..." "It starts with the letter S." "Hmmm..." "Upside down it looks like an L." "Hmm..." "It rhymes with heaven..."I think I want to be a comedian. Culture17763@blogcritics.org Fri, 23 Jul 2004 15:09:32 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/07/12/120245.php in10sityWhenever you get a bug bite and it itches, they always tell you not to scratch it. "Scratching only makes it worse!" ...That just seems to work out so very unfairly. It itches and we aren't allowed to scratch it... damn... who made up this rule? The mosquito?I can just imagine the first mosquito finding out about their bite:"Porcupine... your way of defending yourself is with your mighty quills. Snake... your way of defending yourself is with your poisonous bite. Mosquito, your way of defending yourself also involves biting." "We bite people too?!? Awesome!! This is great! And then what happens? They die 10 minutes later? Do they go completely numb in the area that we bite them? Do they go blind or maybe gradually lose their hearing??" "Well, actually... it kinda just gives them an itch." "An itch?" Yeah, ya know, let's say you bite a person on their arm... within a few hours it will start to itch a little." "Uh huh... I see... and then after it itches for a while the poison starts to kick in and they die right?" "Well no... it kinda just keeps itching. Nothing else really happens after that." "Ok so let me get this straight, we are the size of a pea, people can crush us between their fingers, and our only defense is giving them a slight itch?" "Uh, yes, that is correct." "Well this certainly sucks." "Ya know, you're right, it kinda does suck. I guess I didn't really think this one through." "Yeah obviously." "Tell ya what... what if we were to make it so that after you bite someone and it starts to itch, they wouldn't be allowed to scratch it?" "Hmmm. That's not too bad. People will have this itch, and when they want to scratch it, everyone would be like 'You can't scratch that, it will only make it worse!' Ya know, that's pretty good. Ok, you got a deal!...I think it would be interesting if there was a bug that bites you... and it just makes you feel like you don't want to scratch anything. What would people say then? That you can't NOT scratch it? "You better scratch!! Not scratching only makes it worse!"I think I want to be a comedian. Culture17349@blogcritics.org Mon, 12 Jul 2004 12:02:45 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/07/05/214611.php in10sityI think it's terrible whenever parents hit their children. You always hear these horrible stories about parents taking off their belt and hitting their kid with it. I think that's just terrible. But, I think the best way for a kid to avoid this... is by getting their parents pants that fit. "YOU DIDN'T CLEAN YOUR ROOM AGAIN TIMMY!! THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GONNA GET IT NOW!!! ....oh ....wait a second ....my pants fit ....I don't have a belt ....I guess you're off the hook this time." I think I want to be a comedian. Culture17136@blogcritics.org Mon, 5 Jul 2004 21:46:11 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/06/28/194728.php in10sityI think our court system needs to find a more advanced way of getting people to tell the truth. All we do is make them promise. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" This is the same way a 7 year old and his friends figure out if someone is telling the truth. We put a guy up on the stand for supposedly killing 10 people and then eating them... "Ok Mr. serial killer... do you promise to tell us the truth?" "Yes." "Did you kill these people and then eat them?" "No." "Cross your heart and hope to die?" "Yes." "Do you swear on your mother's life?" "Yes." "Would you be willing to pinky swear on this?!?!" "Yes!" "Sir, let me remind you that you are under oath." How many people are they catching with this reminder? "Ohhh yeah, I forgot. Yes, I did kill them. I totally forgot I was under oath. I apologize. Thanks for reminding me." What year of law school do they start teaching the oath reminder?I think I want to be a comedian. Culture16904@blogcritics.org Mon, 28 Jun 2004 19:47:28 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/06/22/123537.php in10sityAspirin is mostly used for headaches, but it has other medical uses too. Like for example, it is sometimes used as a blood thinner. Aspirin is like a weight loss pill for blood... it makes it thinner. I think advertisements for aspirin should feature before and after pictures of blood. ...and maybe some blood testimonials. Type O Blood says "I just started using aspirin 2 weeks ago, and just look how thin I am today!" I think I want to be a comedian. Culture16732@blogcritics.org Tue, 22 Jun 2004 12:35:37 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/06/20/102630.php in10sityPeople are always ranking things on a scale of 1-10. I wish there really was a scale of 1-10. You would put stuff on it and it would tell you how good it is on a scale of 1-10. Like you'd rent a movie... "I heard this movie was supposed to be really bad, let's see what it gets on a scale of 1-10." Your friend would tell you his girlfriend is a perfect 10, and you would disagree, so you'd get her on the scale of 1-10. "Ha! She's a 7! Told ya!" You'd buy a new shirt... "The lady at the store said this shirt looked great on me. Let's check it out on the scale of 1-10... A three?!? Fuck this, I'm bringing it back!Have you ever heard someone say "On a scale of 1-10, I give it an 11!" Or, "I give it a 0." This person thinks they are being clever and cool by saying something is either so good or so bad that's it's not even on the scale... but really.... they just aren't following directions. There is no 11 on a scale of 1-10, that's why it's called a scale of 1-10. What's wrong with you? Sometimes people throw half's in there too. "I give it a 9 and a half." Who said you could use half's? On a scale of 1-10, your ability to correctly use the scale of 1-10 is a 1.When things are ranked, they are usually ranked in a certain group of numbers. Like the top 10 is very popular, or the top 20, or maybe the top 3. You never see the top 7 of anything, or the top 11. But, sometimes people try to rank things this way. Like "Our son Jimmy finished in the top 11 of his class!" Oh come on man, just admit it, Jimmy finished #11. If he was somewhere in the top 10, you would just have said top 10. You're not fooling anyone.I think I want to be a comedian. Culture16670@blogcritics.org Sun, 20 Jun 2004 10:26:30 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/06/17/115129.php in10sityWhenever I pass by the park, I always see elderly people sitting on the benches feeding the birds by throwing them bread. I think there is something very wrong with this picture. They are elderly people, why were they assigned the job of feeding the birds? They shouldn't have any jobs at this point in their lives. If anything, it should be the other way around... birds should be feeding the elderly.I think the best part about being an elderly person is that you are able to get the senior citizen discount. It is a beautiful thing. And it's so easy to get... you just gotta be there... and be old. The reason for the senior citizen discount is that most senior citizens don't work, so they don't have an income. But, neither do little kids. I think there should be a little kid discount. People with no job don't have any income either. Where's the unemployed discount?When an illegal immigrant turns 65, are they still considered a senior citizen? I think I want to be a comedian. Culture16594@blogcritics.org Thu, 17 Jun 2004 11:51:29 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/06/15/111744.php in10sityWhen you are shopping in a clothing store, lots of times someone who works in the store will come up to you and tell you things like "Yeah, that shirt would look great on you" or "Those pants are perfect for you." They do this because it helps them sell more clothes. You'd think other businesses would adopt this method... like the grocery store. You'd go down the aisle and pick up a can of corn and someone would come up to you... "Ohh your gonna love the taste of that corn! That corn is perfect for you! ...If you don't like this type of corn, I have other corn in the back that I can show you."I think I want to be a comedian. Culture16539@blogcritics.org Tue, 15 Jun 2004 11:17:44 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/06/13/101410.php in10sityIs it just me, or does Sesame Street seem like a really strange street to live on? No one who lives there seems to mind that most of the houses are lived in by puppets. How do you explain this to people that you invite to your house for dinner? "Ok, so come by at around 6:00 tonight. You have my address right? Ok good... oh.... and by the way... all of my neighbors are puppets." They'd be like "Uhh, excuse me? Puppets?" And you'd go "Yeah, you might park the car and start walking to my door and then all of a sudden a blue puppet could come up to you asking for cookies. Don't worry about it, it's perfectly normal." How would a real estate company sell a house on Sesame Street? What would that ad look like in the newspaper. "For Sale: 1 family duplex, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, fireplace, puppet in a garbage can"I think I want to be a comedian. Video16489@blogcritics.org Sun, 13 Jun 2004 10:14:10 EDT