http://blogcritics.org/ A sinister cabal of superior bloggers on music, books, film, popular culture, politics, and technology - updated continuously. en Copyright 2005-2007 by the authors Wed, 19 May 2004 15:03:27 EDT http://backend.userland.com/rss Blogcritics.org custom software http://blogcritics.org/ Phillip WinnSunday, August 26, 2007, marks the switch of all Blogcritics.org article feeds from full-content to short-content. This is the result of several converging factors, and is unfortunately a permanent decision (as permanent as any decision can be on the web, that is). We are aware of all of the reasons that this is a Bad Idea, and we are aware that some of you will be quite upset about having to click on something to read the free content, and we're sorry. Unfortunately, despite great effort, full-content feeds are not currently economically viable. Two other factors are involved: full-content feeds have resulted in an unprecedented level of content theft, with BC content appearing on many websites, usually spam sites, without attribution or permission. This duplicate content causes a cascading set of problems, not the least of which is that search engines generally aren't favorable to duplicate content, and don't always guess correctly. Finally, our RSS advertising partner is strongly in favor of short-content feeds. We hope that you'll continue to subscribe to BC via RSS, and when an article grabs your eye, it's only a click away, still free on the BC website. Thank you for your understanding. Administration0@blogcritics.org Sun, 26 Aug 2007 12:00:00 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/05/19/150327.php The Raging CriticAs a proud and dedicated Duck Activist, I must admit that Fox Network's new reality television show, "The Swan," initially ruffled my feathers, so to speak. For decades, we Duck Activists have been trying to convince the world not to discriminate against us. Our history is long, and our struggle for equality has been a tough one. I realize that many people in this world may judge the contestants on this show. Therefore, in order to prepare you for Monday night's pageant finale, I must give you an account of our fight for justice. But I do this not only for the ducks, but for our beloved swan friends as well. 1844: Hans Christian Andersen was a tall and effeminate man. He was ostracized by his human society for being a little "different." In those days, the term "queer" was used to describe someone "different." In a fit of self-loathing homosexual rage, Hans ran out behind his Danish cottage and ran out to the pond to drown himself (drama queen). But when he got to the edge of the water, he noticed a cute little duck paddling along the shoreline. "Quack-Quack-Quack," the duck yapped with glee. You see, ducks were happy back in those days...Hans thought the animal was ugly. After all, it waddled when it walked and it made an obnoxious quacking noise all the live long day. On top of it all, it was shaped weird. Hans thought to himself, "why does such an ugly little creature get to have all the fun while I suffer in shame." So, he snatched the little duckling from the water and displaced his own anger upon the happy little creature. He tried to drown it but realized that he was being just as evil as his the fundamentalist whackos. He then plucked the largest feather from the little duck's behind and mercifully tossed it aside. He ran into his cottage, jammed the feather into the ink jar on his desk, and feverishly started to compose a story to express his anger to the world.The resulting piece of work was titled, "The Little Ugly Duckling." Although Mr. Christian Andersen's story appeared to be a story of triumph and personal achievement, many ducks were offended by his work. They felt alienated and victimized by his message because it seemed to carry an underlying message. They felt as if they had to be beautiful like a swan in order to overcome their ugly little strife. To them, they wondered why the duckling could not have grown up to be a big ugly duck and still find happiness.As the story achieved notoriety, the whole perspective of ducks started to change. Everyone started ridiculing the ducks for being ugly. The poor little creatures tried to disguise themselves as swans, but the clever fundamentalist hatemongers forced them out of their little closets by yelling, "If it walks like a duck, and if it quacks like a duck, then the animal is surely a duck." But it wasn't Hans' fault. Nor was it the swans' fault. The poor little duckies were victimized by a hate-infested world filled with fragile little egos. As a result, the age of SPECIESISM was born and the world has never been the same since. Over the course of time, others joined in on the duck-bashing. Children started to play Duck Duck Goose and suddenly, even the equally-ugly geese were far superior to the ducks. They lobbied the car manufacturers and even preserved their own sound once the car was invented. "HONK HONK if you're happy" became the new way of life. And "HONK HONK get out of my way" soon became the voice of power. If you ask me, those damned geese should have just stayed in Canada.Summer 1922: Hortense and Quackmore Duck, along with their twin baby ducklings, Della Thelma and Fauntelroy, set out for a nice day at a remote pond in Kissimmee, Florida. The day was perfect and calm as the family waddled their way along the dirt path and into the water. Hortense and Quackmore nudged little Della Thelma into the water. As Quackmore lifted her wing to help little Fauntelroy leap in for a swim, they were all startled by the sweeping sound of a fishnet. WOOOOOSH! Within an instant, little Fauntelroy was gone. Rumors began to spread and all of America started to talk. The specists were finally asserting their power over the waddling birds. Apparently, a man named Walt Disney had abducted little Fauntelroy and turned him into a slave. Every civil right's movement is spawned by a horrifying moment in time and Fauntelroy's abduction (and subsequent conversion) was the defining moment in Duck Activist history. It was then, that the Duck Activist Movement was born and the search for little Fauntelroy was underway. During the search, poor Hortense and Quackmore were killed by a group of Chinese poachers who were opening a restaurant in a nearby town. They were tossed into a kettle and later served in a bowl of Mandarin Duck Soup.June 9, 1934: Della Thelma, at the age of 14, was living her life as an orphan. She would often times sneak into the movie theatre to catch a glimpse of the silver screen. She loved the cartoons because they often depicted animals in a loving way. On opening day, she snuck into the movie house and watched the anticipated release of "The Wise Little Hen." When Della Thelma looked up at the screen, she quacked with sheer horror as she saw her twin brother Fauntelroy dressed up onscreen as a sailor. Apparently, Mr. Disney brainwashed Fauntelroy and he now went by the name "Donald." He was lisping and spitting and running around while not wearing any pants. She was horrified to see that her little brother was being forced to perform in a gay porno film. She later heard that poor Fauntelroy - er um - Donald, underwent torturous scenes involving enemas and electromagnetic butt plugs. As a result, Della Thelma went off the deep end and joined a bizarre duck cult at the Peabody Hotel in Memphis, Tennessee, where she still remains today.Donald was a slave for the sake of the almighty dollar. The producers would frequently force him to perform explicit scenes with - GASP - rodents. Yes, indeed it was terrifying, but Donald suffered through three long years of torture while that annoying little mouse got all of the notoriety. Mickey was the dominant creature, while poor Donald was forced into subservience. They even casted Donald in a Nazi flick, but the movie was quickly banned. WHEW! Obviously, life was quite different in the 1930's than it is now. Thank goodness for our Duck Activists! If it weren't for these pioneers, we would still be watching that little mouse whip poor Donald as if he were some low-life loon.Luckily though, the Duck Activism movement was gaining momentum. They raided the movie theatres and started throwing pigeon shit all over the place. They were angered that their one and only movie star idol was being forced to live a second class life while that filthy little mouse got all of the praise. They carried signs that said, "birds of a feather, shall only flock together." In essence, they were saddened to see their hero being forced into animated orgies with other kinds of animals. On one occasion, poor Donald was forced to do a sexy scene with Winnie the Pooh. Nine months later, the platypus species was spawned. HOW TERRIBLE!But the activists were ultimately successful. People all over the world started developing lung problems due to the pigeon shit and the movie houses closed down for a while. The producers nixed the sadomasochistic tone to the films because Naziism was no longer the in-thing. However, the platypus remains the symbol of our strife.The idea behind the early duck movement had good intentions. However, the activists realized that they too were discriminating against the platypus, and even the little black mouse too. After all, Mickey was probably caught in a trap somewhere and brainwashed - just like Fauntelroy. Nevertheless, the blackness of the mouse triggered an idea with the activists and they subsequently waged a war against BREEDISM. You see, there were no black ducks being represented in the films. So after the activists were successful in ending the abuse of poor Donald, they set out to find a black duck to save the day and put an end to discrimination.April 17, 1937: By now, Donald was earning a little bit of respect for the ducks. However, only the white ducks seemed to get all the glory. That's when Jack, Sam, Harold, and Albert Warner jumped in to save the day. They found a little black orphan with yellow feet. His name was Daffy. And yes, he too was a duck. The whole duck world was ecstatic that their black brothers and sisters would finally be represented. Daffy had survived a horrible wind storm that blew him far away from his nest. Actually, rumors suggest that it was a result of a disaster during the filming of "The Wizard of Oz." When the brothers looked at little Daffy, they realized that he was a little girly, but figured, "hey, this was acting right?" So, the Warner Brothers scooped him up in their arms and the rest is history. The black ducks finally had their hero....or did they?Daffy's experience proved to be no different than poor Donald's. However, rather than forcing him to submit to the awesome power of a black mouse, they threw him into a barnyard and laughed as a stuttering pink pig was given the lead role. This was by far the most devastating blow to the black ducks, and even ducks in general. It is well known that pigs are the vilest creatures on the planet. they snort, they stink, and by golly, Jewish people won't even eat them. As a result, the Duck Activists took action and decided to form a group to spearhead the gruesome portrayal of ducks in film.The Anti-Defamation Paddle, as they would call themselves, stuck their bills into this fiasco but could not save Daffy's career before he destroyed it himself. You see, poor Daffy couldn't handle the pressure of being the only black duck in America. He knew that the whole world judged his fellow black ducks by every move he made, and quite frankly, he could not live up to the macho expectations that so many people attribute to black ducks. He turned to drugs and alcohol and the downward spiral started to spin. One night in the 1940's, while hanging out at the underground duck bar with his best pal Donald (duck bar's were still illegal until 1969 - but that is another story altogether), Daffy snorted a line of bird seed so long that his bill almost fell off. He began bouncing all around the place while shouting, "WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO, WOO-HOO." He is still living today, but he has not stopped bouncing around ever since. From that day forth, he would always be known as the Looney Tunes duck. The stuttering pig soon got sick of his antics, so the producers tossed Daffy in with an asshole of a rabbit that treated Daffy like a mental case. QUACKING was suddenly the thing for crazy folks, and it was not long before the psychiatrists were seeing people for being "Quacked Out." It is a low-down dirty shame that America judged the entire duck kingdom for poor Daffy's ill-mannered behavior. Then again, it should come as no surprise as people. The movies and the media have contorted reality so much, that everyone is conditioned to be afraid of anything that is different. It sure does give a new meaning to "What's up doc" doesn't it?Poor Daffy - - - but even poorer ducks, indeed. However, the activists continued fighting and it was not long before the American Psychiatric Association declassified quacking as being a mental illness. It seems that all ducks suffered from the stereotype that Daffy manifested.December 1, 1974: On a very hot day, the steroid-induced Big Bird lifted his leg and out popped a little egg. Since Big Bird was male, it was obvious that this was some sort of immaculate egg-laying. He wanted to keep it, but he had no room in his nest. After all, he had to save room for his furry elephant friend, Snufalupagus. Everyone always thought he was imaginary, but little did they know he was actually hiding in the nest while sticking his trunk where it might not belong. EEEEW! But hey, their relationship has at least ignited a sense of hope for the platypus.Big Bird did not know what to do. He asked Snuffy for advice, which Snuffy in turn referred him to another friend who was into Bird-Elephant relations - his faithful friend Horton. So, Big Bird asked Horton what he should do. Horton looked deep into Big Bird's eyes and said, give the little chick up for adoption. Big Bird then asked Horton if he was sure that this was the right thing to do. Horton looked back up at Big Bird and said, "Yes indeed, an elephant's faithful one hundred percent." Big Bird then remembered that two young "bachelors" from Miami had recently moved to his neighborhood. One was tall and yellow and had a unibrow. The other was short and fat and laughed so much that spit shot out of the sides of his mouth. They seemed happy and appeared to be suitable parents. In fact, they even tried to adopt a child in the past, but the evil legislature of Florida would simply not condone it. When the egg finally hatched, out popped a rubber duck. Apparently, Snuffy and Bird tried to use protection. Anyway, Big Bird scooped up the duck and gave it to a stork. The stork then delivered the baby to its new home. The new couple lived together in an apartment at 123 Sesame Street in East Greenwich Village in New York. To many across the globe, this would be known as Burt and Ernie's house. Ernie opened his orange face and the words, "rubber duckie you're the one" resonated throughout every home across America. Although the fundamentalist anti-duck organizations claimed that this would harm society, their hateful message was ultimately ignored. People all over the world FINALLY fell in love with the ducks and bath houses all over the Village became much more entertaining!Despite this new found freedom, many ducks did not feel as beautiful as the rubber duckies. The rubber ducks were always considered "the cute ones" and the regular ducks were merely walking around the world were suddenly dodging the daily woes of life and getting themselves redone. You see, although they despised the outside world, they They would find refuge within the toy factories as they dipped themselves in yellow rubber. These ducks were then sold all over the world and the ducks became the most-loved feathered creature of all.The Duck Activists had finally achieved victory. The war seemed over and it all came with the saving grace of a little bit of plastic. Therefore, even artificial outsides have tremendous long-lasting effects on the inside. Thank goodness for plastic surgery and thank goodness for designer clothes. It was finally time to celebrate our beauty.April 7, 2004: We flash forward to our present day. The ducks have surely had their ups and downs - all the way from Howard the Duck to Ducktales, and from Duckman to the Disco Duck. Many cities even parade rubber duckies around town in little races. However, just when we Duck Activists thought it was safe to go back into the water, the story of the Ugly Duckling has reared its ugly head once again. When I first saw the commercial for The Swan, I was frightened. I thought the curse had returned to kill all of the ducks once and for all. But then I realized that this show was for people - and I wiped my brow with relief.Nely Galan, already a gorgeous Swan herself, dreamed up a show that regurgitated the Hans Christian Andersen tale. Sixteen women were selected to undergo complete transformations, including head-to-toe plastic surgery, full dental makeovers, physical training, dieticians, stylists, and psychotherapy. WOWZA! This sort of thing would normally costs hundreds of thousands of dollars. However, because they are participating in a network television extravaganza, all of it is handed to these women for FREE!For the past eight weeks, we have watched two women undergo these total transformations. The kicker is that they do not get to see themselves in a mirror for over three months. Each week, two women are allowed to finally see themselves in the mirror to witness this reconstructive miracle. Each timne, the women place their hands over their faces and scream and have a healthy nervous breakdown. The judges then decide which of the two women will then move on to the final round - the beauty pageant. I realize that this sounds like a major dose of garbage, but trust me folks, The Swan is a marvelous presentation. These women came to the show looking even worse than our little duckling friends from the 1800s. They lacked self-esteem, confidence, and some even lacked the will to LIVE! Folks, there is no denying that people in this world can be utterly cruel. And if we only live once, we might as well feel beautiful while we are here. People are often quick to judge someone else's lack of self-worth; however, they fail to realize that the very notion belongs to a SELF - one that nobody else will ever truly know. Once the women see their new self, you can almost see their spirit transform into a beauty that parallels their outside.Therefore, it is my assessment, that this show is fantastic. In fact, tears have welled up in my eyes as I am reminded of the pain and suffering that people endure on a daily basis. For anyone that judges these women, I would like to quack out a big PLUCK YOU! Go mind your own business and let these women heal themselves in any way they can.May the best swan win! And to the rest we shall say - CONGRATULATIONS GIRL - YOU STILL LOOK FABULOUS!The moral of this story: Nobody wants to be ridiculed, but we all want to be loved. Love the duck who is comfortable being a duck. Love the swan who is comfortable being a swan. And for Duck's Sakes - stop ridiculing the poor duck who merely wants to be a swan. They aren't hurting anyone! They are simply trying to get comfortable enough to swim in the pond and smile!It is true that ducks are not as pretty as swans. If we stop judging ducks for their appearance, they will not strive to become swans. We should simply let them waddle along their merry way and appreciate them for what they are. However, as long as ducks are repeatedly ridiculed, beaten, tortured, plucked, or maimed, many will try to become something they are not. In an ideal pond, one could only hope that each duck has the strength and courage to overcome this sort of hatred. However, because each duck has a different set of feathers and a different set of experiences, the way one deals with one's own oppression is merely a resulting consequence. Therefore, we should not judge the poor little duckies who try to become something they are not. Why? Because it is none of our duck-damned business - THAT'S WHY!Having said that, it is also important not to turn our hatred to the swans. They cannot be hated simply because they are beautiful. I am sure that many swans are stuck-up and pretentious fowls, but to judge the entire species for the strife of the duck is absolutely unfair. Believe it or not, some swans are beautiful on the inside too - even the ones who were born that way. CU Friday for Part 2 of the Preview. I will give a brief rundown of our favorite Swan contestants and offer you my favorites to win. Then, on Tuesday, I will review the pageant and the whole world will embrace the Swan. But this time, the ducks will still be happy because nobody is a loser on THE SWAN!The two-hour finale airs on Monday, May 24, 2004 at 8:00 p.m. EST.I am The Raging Critic, and I approve this message. Video15795@blogcritics.org Wed, 19 May 2004 15:03:27 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/04/29/084209.php The Raging CriticAmerican Idol Devours Another Victim Chapter 13: Little Red Riding Opie By: The Raging Critic Once upon a time, there lived a little wannabe crooner with red hair. His name was John Stevens, but the locals in the Village of Mayberry always called him "Little Red Riding Opie." He sang so bad that everyone in America started to develop poor taste in music. They rode along for a lyrical ride that always ended up in the middle of nowhere. Psychologists often refer to this as classical conditioning, but I shall refer to it as brain damage. Either way, the tale is a Grimm one indeed. One day, Opie's mommy sent him to the American Idol tryouts. She had given him the same ancient secret that had turned the Pied Piper into a great success - the gift of disillusionment. She sent the young lad off to Hollywood and asked for him to sing a song for his grandmother. Opie slipped on the dinner jacket he bought at K-Mart and waltzed onto the stage to sing "the music of his heart" - all for his sweet little grandma. GAG ME WITH A PITCHFORK!Meanwhile, the big bad wolf (a.k.a. Ryan Seacrest) leaped out from behind the curtain and frightened Little Red Riding Opie. He wanted to eliminate Opie from the show right then and there, but knew that all of America was watching. So, he handed Opie the sheet music (you see, he sometimes forgets the words) and sent him out to sing for grandma. The wolf then told Opie that he would do just fine and that he would do America proud. If it weren't for the cameras, the wolf would have devoured him before giving him a chance to perform. WHEW!The night came to a close. All of America nestled themselves fast asleep as sugarplums danced in their little heads. However, due to mass exposure to a highly overexposed Latin cabaret band, The Raging Critic threw up some porridge and lost many hours of sleep. Alas, we now come to part two of this fateful tale tonight - the fairy tale ending!The show starts off on a peculiar note. The dramatic announcer sounds a little different. The big bad wolf then appears onstage and tells us that America broke the record again. He reassures us that the show has not lost any ground in the wake of the devastating show last week. 28 million calls were made. Then again, who would know for sure, we have not heard word from Ernst & Young have we?????? In a flash, the American Idol tour info zips past my face. I did not catch the whole thing, but I think it said, "bend over" somewhere in the message. OOOOH - SOUNDS KINKY!The wolf then introduced our panel of esteemed judges. Randy is decked out in a bland 70's-print shirt. Paula's boobies look candy-striped in her funky little get-up. And Simon is wearing - YOU GUESSED IT - black! Wolfie then tells us that the contestants blew the roof off the place last night. Ummmmm, yeah, because it was sooooooooooooooooooo poopy last night that all the steam forced the ceiling to give way. P-U! But before the viewing public even had a chance to relive the nightmare, the scary sequel unfolded right before our very eyes - - The Big Group Number! YEHAAAAAAAAAAW!That's right people, the 6 remaining finalists belted out a gargantuan "YEHAW" to start off their little medley tonight. KIDS - THIS IS LATIN MUSIC, NOT CARMEN MUSIC!!!!!!!!!! Meanwhile, the group starts singing about "Party Time" and they are waving their hands back and forth as if they were Ice Capades minus the silly skating gimmick. i QUE HORRIBLE ! Diana was shouting the 1-2-3-4 while LaToya was still trying to shake the spirits from last night's splendid performance. Jasmine was busy humping thin air while all of the perverted old men found themselves giving the show their utmost attention. Fantasia is begging for attention of her own as she screams out, "c'mon baby say you love me, 5-6-7 times." But before we could do the 8-9-10 and 11, the sextet forms a conga line. I was so lost in numbers that I could have been 69ing without ever taking notice."come-on-baby-lemme-see-ya-do-the-conga-i-know-i-can't-stand-john-stevens-any-longer-feel-the-anger-across-america-getting-stronger-his-head-is-even-redder-than-a-rotten-beet."OH-AYE OH-AYE!Folks, this performance couldn't have been squirrellier even if it was performed by the Teletubbies - even if all six of them were dressed as Tinky Winky. In other words, it was STINKY STINKY!The wolf then returned to the stage. It was finally time for him to pluck out the three little piggies and devour one of them whole (apparently, the big bad wolf has been in one too many fairy tales). He tells us that he is going to divide them into two groups again - yes people - AGAIN!Fantasia - Guuuuuurlfriend. You have proven to America that you can get down with the get-down, but can you do the Cha-Cha? Only time will tell my pretty, cuz you dear are in group A.Diana - You stole the brushes off the electric car wash and slapped the audience half-to-death last night. But will you get waxed tonight????? We'll see in a moment, cuz you are also in group A.LaToya - The Raging Critic may be livin' la vida LaToya, but only time will tell if you will be livin' la vida caca. You too are in group A.Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, what? Were the first three out of six just tossed into the same group????????Little Red Riding Opie - If you thought the Texas Braceface Massacre was scary (remember the moronic Subway commercial last night????), then just wait til you get a load of grandma wolf. You are in group B. But before you try to run away, you are forced to stay put on the couch. DAMNIT!Jasmine - "Here we are" Jazz Tree. You know where you sit tonight, so just keep your ass planted there. You too are in group B. (YAWN) Jasmine tried screaming home for help but it appears that Hawaii is on a time delay.George - Your face looks a little worn down, but you can give your feet a rest because you too are in group B. George then looked into the camera and yelped, "Awwwwwww shucks."OH MAH GAWD! DID THE WRITERS GO ON STRIKE OR WHAT? CAN I CROSS THE PICKET LINES AND SAVE THIS SHOW FROM COMPLETE IGNORANCE! I mean, are these people more transparent than swiss cheese or what????? Tonight, they tried to show America that the show is not scripted for dramatics! That's right! They purposefully wrote the least suspenseful sequence of dividing these kids up tonight. They realized that they screwed up last week and needed to find a way to make it look like this is merely the way the cookie crumbles. DO THEY THINK WE ARE IDIOTS? (wait, don't answer that). Anyway, they then tried to add a little suspense by making us think that the bottom three were already in the middle of the stage. They gambled that America would not see their tactics because we would all be relieved that the best three singers were safe. Call me crazy, but while the blind viewers were wiping their brow in relief, I was busy wiping my butt with their script.THANK GOODNESS IT WAS 2-ply!But before this place really started to stink tonight, the wolf told America that the best three singers from last night were safe. WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Poetic Justice for everyone! So group B is about to be somebody's lunch! As they walked to the center of the stage, George started dropping bread crumbs so he could find his way back if he was lucky enough to get outta this alive. One never knows though because the redhead has been awfully lucky in recent weeks.The wolf then calls out George's name. Everyone, including our dopey soul man, thought he was going to be picking up the bread crumbs, but apparently, the writers are trying to give poor George a nervous breakdown. The wolf told him to get out of the way and let Jasmine gobble up the dough and head back to the big cottage in the Hollywood Hills. Jasmine then made a mad dash back to the couch. Had this happened last year, Ruben would have eaten the bread and poor Jasmine would have been stranded. OH THE HORROR OF IT ALL!!!!Seacrest, all dressed up like Opie's cute little grandma, hugged John Stevens and told him that everything was going to be alright. Little Red Riding Opie looked up and said, "My - grandmother, what big arms you have!" "All the better to hug and caress you with, my dear," said the wolf."Grandmother, what big legs you have!" The wolf exclaimed, "All the better to throw in the air backstage after the show, my child!" "Grandmother, what big ears you have!" "Thanks to you, my child, they are in dire pain," shouted the wolf."Grandmother, what big eyes you have!" "Yes," whispered the wolf, "but they are blinded by your pasty-white skin, my child." "Grandmother, what big teeth you have!" Opie then noticed his best friend, Goldilocks (a.k.a. Carmen Rasmussen) and Baby Bear (Matthew Rogers) were mangled inside the jaws of our trusty host!The wolf then got angry and started to scream, "I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your whole house down!" Just then, the producers of the show got angry. America's ears stood up in confusion! THAT WAS NOT WRITTEN IN THE SCRIPT YOU JACKASS!!!!! That was supposed to happen when Georgie got the boot!!!!!!! The big bad wolf (remember, this is our blonde metrosexual host we are talking about here) leaped out with his teeth gnashing. He gained his composure and looked at the teleprompter for his cue."Oooopsies," said the wolf, "I meant to say that my big teeth are so big that there ain't nothing better to eat you with, my dear." Little Red Riding Opie shrieked with horror. "Go ahead and eat me then!"Seacrest tore off the grandma costume and then tore off the wolf costume. He opened his mouth, tipped back the stage, and devoured Little Red Riding Opie and spit him out into the mailbox and shipped his remains back to Mayberry via Federal Express. It cost $4.95 to be exact> I know this because I offered to pay the postage. All of America cheered, except for those who suffer the ill effects of brain damage. But hey, sh!t happens, even in the land of make-believe.....and America lived happily ever after!Moral #1: Be sure to select a song that compliments your voice, unless you are purposefully trying to get yourself voted off the show. That is what I think John Stevens did this week, and I thank him for it. I know you do too, unless you are on the waiting list for a lobotomy at Cedars-Sinai this week!Moral #2: 4 million Americans are brain damaged! CU Next Tuesday!I am The Raging Critic - and I approve this message! Video15206@blogcritics.org Thu, 29 Apr 2004 08:42:09 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/04/29/083951.php The Raging CriticAmerican Idol Tries To Turn The Beat Around Chapter 12: The Magical Afro-Cuban Samba By: The Raging Critic I swear!!!!!! The American Idol demons must have been released with John Peter Poltergeist's dismissal. First we have the Jennifer Hudson Catastrophe (a day that shall be forever called, Black Wednesday - - - - - no pun intended). Then, the producers give us the ole' one-two punch by shoving SALSA down our throats! GADZOOKS! You see - - - I live in Miami (a.k.a. Cuba Minor). I am married to a Cuban (well, sorta) and I am the closest thing to Cubano that any gringo can ever strive to become. As you already know, Gloria Estefan is the queen of my newfound people. She is the beat that ticks within every little hoochie mama who dances on the bar at Mango's Cafe. She is the ebb and flow of today's Cuban pop culture. However, she is also the ebb and flow of my esophagus. When I hear her music I practically toss all of the cookies that Ruben Studdard tried to steal from my cookie jar last season. PEOPLE - - - - - - - - - I LOOOOOOOATHE GLORIA ESTEFAN! In preparation for tonight's show, I made a quick trip to get my shells read from a Santera lady. For those of you who live in the cornfields of America, Santeros and Santeras are priests of Cuba's syncretized religion - Santeria. To save you any confusion, let us just assume it is the same thing as Voodoo (even though it is a little different). Santeros beat drums to call down the spirits! It is suuuuuuper cool. Spirits come down and possess people and they shake all around - sorta like John Peter Lewis. Anyway, these drum beats are still found today in almost every Jazz or Latin CD. So, Santeria is more significant to your everyday life than you might have originally thought. Now, back to tonight's show - - - I am out to RID THIS PLACE OF JON OPIE STEVENS!!!!! Sooooooooo, I paid the Santera lady my 21 dollars tonight. I am on a mission to save this show from any further disasters. We had to sacrifice 205 chickens. You see, Santeros also sacrifice farm animals. But hey, that is way better than listening to Jon Stevens sing right? If he does not get booted tomorrow, I am gonna march back over to that Santera's house and demand for my twenty one dollars back - and I am taking half of America with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COMPRENDE PAPIS? The drums started to roll and the show was underway - Cubano-style! Seatriscuit does the Macarena onto the stage. He is covered with feathers and is grinning from ear to ear. He flounders across the stage and introduces the Queen Mommy herself - Senora Gloria Estefan. GAG ME WITH A MOJITO! So, without further ado (and before I get sick to my stomach), let's line up our amigos from seis to uno (for all of you Jon Stevens fans out there - that means "six to one")! SEIS. Jon Stevens- "Music of My Heart" Ladies and gentlemen - - - I have found the solution to peace in the Middle East! We must pack up Jon Stevens and ship him to Baghdad. We must force him to sing the morning prayer across the city's loudspeakers so we can bore them all death!!!!!!!! Opie makes his smashing return. UGH! Meanwhile, the accountants across America are tuning in as if this performance were a Viagra pill. Opie appears onstage composed and confident. He is here to sing for grandma. Awwwwwww! How cute! Maybe we can all get together and snort lines of Geritol while we're at it! It practically sounds like a hot night at the nursing home!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEW! Salsa queen in the house or no Salsa queen in the house, this performance royally sucked tonight! It lacked any artistic integrity what-so-evah! The song was monotone. He was off key and out of tune from start to finish. And to make matters worse, his high notes sounded as if Orca and Shamoo were having a three-way with Free Willy. I mean - - it sounded just like Daryl Hannah's mermaid name in the movie Splash! What the hell was this?????? Randy said you were horrendous. Gloria said you made your abuela proud. Paula put on her fake face and said you did your best. Simon said you were like chocolate ice cream and an onion. I say - if this is the music of your heart, then go see a doctor - - cuz you got ANGINA of the throat! CINCO. George Huff - "Live For Loving You" OOOOOOOOOOH LALALA LALALALA! Georgie Huff is gonna live for loving us tonight! It's so sweet and so cute. It almost makes me wanna stick my finger in my nose and rip a big fart! I mean, can this dopey-innocent-thing give it a rest already??????????? I was waiting for George to glance over to the camera and sing, "my mama done told me to sing you this so-oooong." DUUUUUUH! Let's all hug him and squeeze him and call him George!!!! George starts his song with his best face-aerobics routine. His eyebrows go up while his lips go to the right. His nostrils flare while his ears wiggle. His cheeks blow up while his tongue sticks out. GEORGE - WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN AND TAKE A LOAD OFF YOUR FACE, BUDDY??? I say we send him to the esteemed team of doctors over at the Transsexual Swan studio and ask them to reconnect a few neurons so he can finally give his poor face a rest. But Georgie fluttered about the stage and tried to eek out some Cuban Fla-Vah! He tried to dance like he was J-Lo but he kept tapping his feet all about. EARTH TO GEORGIE- THIS IS LATIN MUSIC - IT'S ALL IN THE HIPS DEAR! Regardless though, George Huff is an excellent singer! It wasn't the best performance in the whole world, but how can we really judge him on this? He was forced to sing GLORIA-FRICKIN-ESTEFAN for cuh-rying out loud!!!!!!!!!!!Randy said it was hard to get with the rhythm with the latinos (speak for yourself Randy). Gloria just loves your personality. Oh jeeeeze Gloria - don't be so transparent!!!! Paula couldn't stop playing footsie with Simon and she giggled like a total goofball. Simon called it amateur-ish. I say it sounded like POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP LALALA LALALALA! QUATRO. Jasmine Trias - "Here We Are" Jasmine is looking super tonight. She is wearing her hair all spikey as if she were Miss Lucy Liu herself. It is almost as if she shipped it back home with fellow island girl, Camile. At any rate, Jasmine is here to prove to America that she really belongs in this gig. Since she was part of the ridiculed top three last week, she had to sing something extra special in order to save herself from all of the angry Fantasia and LaToya fans. Unfortunately, Jasmine delivered a subpar performance tonight. She just did not measure up - even during a night of mediocrity.The song had a few tosses and turns and the high notes needed tweaking. It wasn't excruciating but it wasn't really enjoyable either. She then sang the line, "and no one knows what's going on inside." When I heard this line, I perked up and screamed into my television set, "I KNOW - YOUR RANGE WENT ON A SIESTA - THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE - HONEY!" Randy said it was a total 7. Gloria called you beautiful but secretly wants you off this gig. This country is not big enough for TWO ISLAND GIRLS - and by golly, Gloria is the reigning queen. Paula called it better than pleasant as she and Gloria practically started necking like lesbians. Did anyone else pick up on this???????? Simon said it sounded like an imitation elevator song. Um, GOING DOWN ANYONE??????? TRES. Fantasia Barrino - "Get On Your Feet" OHHHHH! MAH GAWD! No she didn't run onstage and scream, "THIS ONE IS FOR JENNIFER HUDSON YA'LL!" I sat in my chair and wondered whether I thought it was cool or whether it was cheesy. I then realized that it was probably cheesy if I had to actually stop and think about it. Bobo made a Boo Boo, but I ain't gonna be mad at her for it.Fantasia perks up with her new groovy flat hairdo. She is bouncing around in her superfly sistah dress and she is trying to get America on their feet. As much as I love me some Fantasia, this song was just not good for her. She screamed the song out. It was not controlled. She did not hold a note longer than one single solitary second. And quite frankly, this girl cannot do the salsa. Randy said it was a great performance but he hesitated on your vocals. Gloria said you haven't missed a note yet. Paula then defies all logic and tells America that this show had suddenly gone from a singing competition and changed into a performing competition. HELLLOOOO PAULA! Make up your friggin' mind already!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Simon said you looked like Donald Duck in high heels. OOOH BOY! Fantasia, I say we take off those heels of yours and re-enact my favorite scene from Single White Female and we wallop Simon in the face. That was just plain rude (then again, look who's talkin' - wink wink). DOS. Diana DeGarmo - "Turn The Beat Around" John and Patsy Ramsey are in the audience tonight. Their daughter, Diana, is here to turn the beat around. Diana ran onstage caked with makeup and dressed in streamers. I think she robbed her Sunday school teacher's classroom for her costume tonight. THAT EVIL LITTLE WINCH! And speaking of evil, John Peter Lewis was in the audience tonight. I think he came straight to the studio after filming that stupid COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO Ford Focus commercial. The performance was dynamite, especially for Diana. She hammed it up with the guitar player. She commanded the stage like she owned the place. She didn't miss a note. And folks, this number was energetic. It was fun and colorful and it made me smile. Diana DeGarmo had her best night thus far. Randy said you had mad talent. Gloria thanked you for giving her Sound Machine some recognition. WHATEVER GLORIA, YOU ARE THE SELFISH ONE THAT DROPPED "MIAMI SOUND MACHINE" FROM YOUR BAND'S NAME! You self-centered sucia! Paula said she was proud of you and Simon said you needed to go shopping (HEY - CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE CALL TRENYCE??????) Although the show failed to turn the beat around tonight, you managed to turn yourself around. Good for you Diana! UNO. LaToya London - "The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You" OOOOH-AYE OOOOOH-AYE! OH-AAAAYE OOOOOOYA! Shazam. LaToya London is here tonight and she is going to call down the spirits tonight. She has come to sing an ode to Oya (she is and Orisha in Santeria, which us gringos commonly refer to as "the wind"). She has decided to bypass the whole chicken business and she is going to call down the spirits by throwing a drum party in American Idol Arena. That's right, we are organizing a group conspiracy to rid this show of Opie once and for all. When she sings "The Rhythm is Gonna Get You" I feel as if I am hearing the old song, "they're coming to take me away - ahah." It was that I-N-S-A-N-E! As the bata drums pounded away, Miss LaToya started to groove. She spun around milliseconds after rolling her head across her shoulders. She then regained her balance in an instant and marched this number all the way to the finish line. She came here to win this thing and by golly, it's time!!!!! For the first time all season, I can safely say that my favorite contestant was the number one singer of the night. Wait a minute . . . make that NUMERO UNO! Randy said you knew how to work the band. RANDY!!!!!! You dirty dawg! Gloria said she knew you were going to be better. HUH???? Paula said she wants more than a minute and a half of you. EEEEEEEEEEW! Paula - stick with Gloria and leave my LaToya alone! Simon said you saved yourself from being boring. WHATEVER SIMON! I'm with the nerd in the audience with the sign - - - I AM LIVIN' LA VIDA LATOYA! The rhythm got me alright. Whether it was LaToya or Oya is something I shall keep a secret.(and George, take some lessons from LaToya..........that is how you move your hips, dear) My Take: Tonight is serious business folks. I am still trying to shake my ill feelings toward the show. Then, they bring Gloria Estefan into the mess????? Needles to say, I am not surprised that everyone totally sucked tonight. Although Miss Estefan may be a super nice person, I am just not inspired by her music. Apparently, our idols weren't inspired by it either. I think the bottom three will be Opie, Jasmine, and Fantasia. Jasmine will get the boot. But remember, there are 205 chickens who died for Opie's sins. So, PETA better send Vanessa Olivarez in to pick up Jon Stevens. Cuz if he doesn't go home tomorrow night, I'll go after the goats. Opie's fans are so lost in la la land, that they don't realize how retarded America really thinks they are. These people are nerdy brainiacs in our population. We all know one or two. One half spends 100 hours a week building model airplanes while the other half spends 100 hours a week building machines that power dial for this red-headed stepchild. Either way, I think they are all sniffing glue - or better yet, GERITOL! Diana must be doing well in the voting world. Otherwise, there is no way Simon would have criticized her performance tonight. It is apparent he wants either Fantasia or LaToya to win, so maybe Diana is a legitimate threat????? Hmmmmmm. Now there is an interesting twist. But tonight, I am going to have a heart to heart regarding Fantasia. Yes I realize that LaToya is my favorite, but I am here to make my case for a girl that is not as popular as she should be.... If one more person compares this girl to Macy Gray, I am going to sh!t fire. Macy Gray sounds like she is wheezing when she sings. Fantasia does NOT! Sure, she can sing rough and raspy when she wants to, but what makes her FANTASTIC is that she can tone it down and give you something crisp, clear, and DE-VINE! Sure tonight's song wasn't the best, but let's face it, the theme sucked! It is simply too far removed from the concept of this whole show. We are looking for the next American Idol, NOT the afterbirth of Shakira!Some people don't think Fantasia is "idol material" because she has a bad attitude and talks back to the judges. UMMMM. Hellooooooo people? She is not a twelve year old in school!!!!!!! Our President used to snort cocaine. Our former President used to smoke marijuana. They both captured enough votes to rule the free world. Priests, Michael Jackson, and R. Kelly all molest children, but America has not abandoned these upstanding people yet. But somehow Fantasia Barrino is a bad example????? I shall shake my head while America distracts themselves from the truth. I walked away from my television set and another Ford Focus commercial popped on - - - COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOOOOOOO! BANG! (correction = 206)Now - who wants chicken for dinner tonight? Cuz, I've got plenty! CU Tomorrow Nite! (ADIOS!)I am The Raging Critic - and I approve this message! Video15205@blogcritics.org Thu, 29 Apr 2004 08:39:51 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/04/22/231420.php The Raging CriticGood evening.This week's episode has prompted many of you to e-mail me, especially after the response I gave on this website. After reading each and every one of your thoughts, I am able to categorize the vast majority of your e-mails into four different opinions.The first group of people are the people who support my decision to stop writing. Not only do they agree with my why I am upset with the show, but they think I should boycott the show altogether. I shall call these people "THE RIGHTEOUS BITCHES."The second group of people are those who think I should continue writing because they were Clay fans who boycotted the show after Clay got beat last year. I am baffled by these people and their contrived way of thinking. I suppose it's okay for them to stop watching the show, but I should be the one to suffer????????? Someone pass me the crucifix please!!!!!!!!!!I shall call this bizarre affliction "CLAYTARDATION."The third group of people are the ones who are angry at my decision to quit. Top to bottom, they are in total disagreement with everything about my decision. I shall forever call them "THE PISSY POSSE." And as much as I want to slap them all right now, I can't help but love the backhanded compliment. I practically feel tingly inside.The last group, but certainly not the least, are those people who think I have stopped writing about the show merely because the show did not go "MY WAY." They perturb me to no end as they apparently do not have a clue as to what really makes me tick. I mean, do these people really read what I write? Or do they think I talk out of my ass?????? (Nevermind, don't answer that one)I am going call these people "CARMEN FANS!"(hehe, sorry, I had to go there)Well, I suppose there are a few other people out there who don't fit into any of these categories. However, in America, the majority opinion is the only one that counts and these people are simply too far removed from America's POPULAR opinion. I shall call these people "THE SCREWED POOCHES." By the way, how does the Alpo taste when you are getting screwed?But no matter how many categories I can attribute to these opinions, they all boil down to 2MAINGROUPS. Group A thinks I should quit - - - - Group B thinks I should continue.???????Now, I want each of you to identify with the group in which you belong. Now walk over to that group (If you are a fan of Alice In Wonderland, then pretend I am a green pill or a red pill and EAT ME!) ............................so, are you Group A or Group B? Please e-mail me at theragingcritic@aol.com and tell me whether to boycott the show or to keep on writing.No matter which group The Raging Critic decides to go with, the other side will feel betrayed. I can assure you though - it is not a good thing to know you are betraying someone.Just ask George Huff.They made him betray three people last night - ON PURPOSE! They made him choose the group he thought was the BEST (which the vast majority of people seem to agree was Fantasia, Jennifer, and LaToya). Then, they shipped him off to live in a mansion with three people he had just stabbed in the heart. I am smart enough to realize that George Huff was on the spot. The writers knew he would go to Group A. Why else would they have built up such a dramatic new twisty finish? If you go back and watch the show, the cameraman screwed up earlier in the show and caught a shot of Ryan reading the teleprompter. Sooooooooo, we all can safely assume that the dialogue IS scripted (duh). What do you suppose was the motivation behind writing George Huff's lingering "scene?" Well, it was done for the sole purpose of ridiculing Jon Stevens, Diana DeGarmo, and Jasmine Trias. THAT'S WHY! You don't really think it all just accidentally happened that way do you? They don't just pick up any writer on the street to write for a television show. If that were the case, then I would be doing it. The writers they hired are not stupid people. They want to write a show that keeps the ratings going. There is certainly nothing wrong with writing for ratings, but these people dropped the ball last night - right on Diana, Jasmine, and Opie's red little head.So, if you are voting for these three chaps, THEN YOU SHOULD BE MAD TOO! Your favorite singer was purposefully degraded last night, all for the sake of GREED!That goes far beyond the ridicule that these contestants opted to endeavor. They came on here expecting to be judged by a panel of judges and AMERICA. What they did not probably expect is for the writers of this show to magically turn into a bunch of puppeteers. They are essentially saying, "Thanks for singing your ass off every week while we crank up the ratings with a little controversy. It's only matter of time before you get dumped from this little soap opera anyway."So, here we all are. The Raging Critic is having an intimate moment with people who are crazy enough to read a bunch of idiotic reviews.Ummmmmm - yeah - that would be you!!!!!!!I now feel I owe this website to every one who finds me interesting. So because I am not just doing this for me, I wanna know, SHOULD I WRITE THE REVIEWS OR SHOULD I NOT WRITE REVIEWS? But keep in mind that I have a completely different perspective of this show, and I think their writing team needs to be fired!I am going to call a vote of my own. The polls will remain open until Sunday April 25, 2004 at 11:00 p.m. However, unlike a certain little show on television, I promise to adhere to the final answer, an answer that YOU will decide. But before reading any further, I want you to take the time to step back and look at your computer screen. You will notice that the blue letters on this page appear to be cut out from a white piece of paper. [This actually has more of an effect on my actual website].Well folks, looks can be deceiving.American Idol contestants sign a contract agreeing that producers could ultimately decide the winner or change the rules in midstream. Whether they do or whether they do not is something we will never know. WHY? Because the voting results are not revealed, or at the very least, audited by Ernst & Young or some other hot shot company. Sooooooo, if the show wants to maintain its integrity, it needs to establish a system that America can trust. Before I end what might be - my last message to you...I promise each of you that I will not use such a disclaimer here! I will not place the shadow of a doubt into your minds about the results at MY VOTING BOOTH! Yes - I may live in Florida, but I do promise to be honest with you - THIS TIME AROUND. So, if you still cannot find a way to believe in this SHOW, you can rest yourselves assured that you can still believe in me!-------pass the barf bag please.I am The Raging Critic and I approve this message. Video15014@blogcritics.org Thu, 22 Apr 2004 23:14:20 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/04/21/093453.php The Raging CriticAmerican Idol Meets Bathhouse Barry Chapter 11: Transsexxual Swan By: The Raging Critic Hi everyone, I'm baaaaaaack. I am so sorry for abandoning you all last week. However, I am going to be on a new reality television show and I was away from my computer! I was too busy being strapped down on the operating table. YIPEEEEEEEE! You see, I am going to be competing on "The Transsexual Swan" this season. The doctors gave me a gender reassignment and sucked a ton of fat out from my body. I am competing for the pageant next week and I am just hoping to beat that other tranny for the prize. I think my new name is going to be "Fantasia" when I compete on the show. Oh drats, that name is already taken isn't it?Nevertheless, I am your critic and I am back to rage on. Yes, I had a quick recovery, but man is my hoo-hoo sore.I am tuning in once again to bring you the unfiltered, peculiar, bizarre, most ridiculous review of the American Idol show that you will ever find on the Internet. The Raging Critic is back (minus a few parts). And he will also tell you how it "tee-eye-is" too...And wallah! Our hero, Ryan Seatriscuit, shimmers onto the screen (as if we are not used to this whole drill by now). He tells us that seven singers are at our mercy. HIP HIP HOOOORAY!Ryan introduced the peanut gallery. Simon has apparently decided to join the "Transsexual Swan" crew too because Ryan called him "Lola Falona." Randy was deemed the stereotypical bass strummer while Paula smiled the night away. What's more, our guest judge and themesake has escaped from the bathhouses and landed right smack dab in the middle of American Idol Arena. Ladies and gentlemen may I present - THE ONE, THE ONLY - BARRY MANILOW!Barry has a long list of credentials. He is a writer, composer, entertainer, musician, poet, singer, and last but not least - he is THE MOST BORING staple of the 1970's. He edges out the famed mime team, Shields and Yarnell, by a country mile.When Barry was still a musical tater tot, he started singing in bathhouses. He would do a few songs in the glory holes at 10:00 p.m. with follow-up encore performances in the steam room at 11:00. But I would imagine that the leather sling room at midnight was the showstopper! EEEEEEEEK! But quicker than any half-naked gay man could have ever snapped him with a towel - Mr. Manilow sprang out from the gay ghettos and straight into superstardom. To be quite honest, that's fine with me. Let the straight folks keep Barry Manilow, but the gay folks get to keep Madonna!The gay team wins! So let's go STR8 to tonight's rankings. Here they are folks, your idols from Totally TRANSparent to Total TRANSformation!7. Jon Stevens - "Mandy"The light goes from dark to dim and Jon Stevens is on our stage. He is sitting on a stool wearing a dark mod-ish suit. Holy CLAY AIKEN SOLITAIRE RIPOFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Before he even opened his mouth I was wincing. And then OUCHIE-WAWA - he started to sing and the pain started to writhe within me.Opie chose a song that droned away in the 1970's. In fact, it bored America half-to-death. Not in a million years could I ever imagine that it could get any worse. That was - until the red-headed stepchild decided to flood my ears with it. THIS SONG WAS A DISASTER!!!!!!!!! If my name was Mandy I would hate this show forever! Therefore, it is my own belief that Fox should can him!Randy said it was aiight. WHAAAAAAAT? Are you kidding me? This kid was a mess! Mr. Manilow said you were worse than that guy who used to sing in shower stall #7 at the Castro Street Country Club. Simon said he thinks Mandy fell asleep. I SAY TAKE IT FROM THIS NARCOLEPTIC CRITIC - Mandy died!!!!!!!! Opie - although you had me rooting for you at times - I think it's time you stopped whistling and give Mayberry Idol a rest.6. Diana DeGarmo - "One Voice"Sorry folks, but I warned everybody weeks ago when Jasmine sang a Kelly Clarkson song. For those of you who missed it last season, Kelly Clarkson made a guest appearance and sang this song during the same night that Ruben beat Clay. Anytime you sing a Kelly song, you are competing against the woman who practically created American Idol. Poor Diana. And just as I predicted, the song was an utter disaster. She started wailing around like a lost little girl in a nursery school rhyme gone awry. And then, her range was so out of control that it sounded as if more than ONE VOICE was coming from her mouth. I simply could not figure out what I was listening to. She then held another looooooooooooooooooooooooong note. It was so long that it reached my gag reflex, thus causing me to vomit. PEOPLE - THAT'S HOW BAD THIS PERFORMANCE REALLY WAS TONIGHT! PUKEY!Randy said it was shaky. Barry gave it some drab compliment. Paula loves your big mouth. And Simon congratulated you. I am a fan of yours, but I say if it weren't for Opie tonight, this would have been the single worst performance out of all of the contestants this season - eeeek, even worse than that ghastly "You Keep Me Hanging On" number that got Leah LaBelle booted. 5. George Huff - "Get That Feeling Again"George has been improving each week. He has impressed me every time he gets on stage. And then Barry Manilow dropped by just in time to sabotage him as the competition has started to shape up - - - - poor guy. During the intro, George told us that Barry Manilow structured his song around George's style. I suppose it's a bathhouse thing - - - you wouldn't understand. Meanwhile, George started out of the gate sounding awfully hoarsey. It was almost as if he was experiencing laryngitis. His change-ups were jolting (and not in a good way). I was stupefied because I was starting to really like this guy. But tonight was just not his night. But then again, can anyone make Barry Manilow exciting?????Randy did not like your rendition. Barry dissed you after coaching you along all week- THAT BITCH! What a total backstabber! And then, as if it were deja vu, Paula looked Georgie in the eyes and said, "great job." Simon said you made a mess of the song. I think if George is wants to maintain his momentum, he needs to make a big recovery next week.4. Jasmine Trias - "Never Love This Way Again"Jasmine has gotten chic and she decided to ditch the flower. Now that Camile has been gone for awhile, she does not need to maintain that Hula Hula Girl gimmick any longer. Jasmine gets onstage and delivers a commendable performance. It was not the greatest performance in the world, but it was certainly worthy of competition tonight.I am puzzled as to her future though. The Superfly Sistah Squad (a.k.a. J-Hud, Fantasia, and LaToya) are a notch or two ahead of her. I have a feeling that she is going to be toast tonight. It is just a funny feeling I have. But then again, I am the one who is vying for the title of Transsexual Swan 2004.Randy said it was a very good job. Barry complimented your competitive spirit. Paula said, "grrreeeeat job." Simon said he was amazed that Barry Manilow could make girls sing as well as he did. DUH SIMON - isn't Barry Manilow essence of every gay men's choir?????3. Fantasia Barrino - "It's A Miracle"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Fantasia Barrino show. She is bringing the gospel into our Barry Monitone evening and she is gonna shake some spirit back into this gig tonight. Unfortunately, her entire family seems to be competing for votes too. I love me some Fantasia Barrino - but for crying out loud - why does the camera pan to her mother in the red room and why does she get the baby scene? If the producers are not subliminally trying to encourage people to vote for her, then someone oughta be fired. Such subtleties can boost a performers star power and create an unfair advantage! BOOOOOOOO to the producers!But yeah for Fantasia! Despite the technical error, Miss Fantasia managed to take the entire world to church. That's right America - - - tonight you had your first church sermon at "The Church of What's Happenin' Now." Fantasia delivered a great performance. It was so good that her mom even went ballistic on the other parents in the red room. Just as the camera panned to Mama Barrino, she started slapping the daylights out of someone. The moment was truly classic. You really are a Superfly Soul Sistah!Randy felt-your-spirit-yes-he-do-felt-your-spirit-how-bout-you. Paula said, "grrrrrrrrrreat." Simon said you bring excitement and danger. Barry said you should open your own church! Ummm, Barry, I think she just did! And I want another sermon. 2. LaToya London - "All The Time"It is no secret that I personally want LaToya London to win. Her voice is amazing. She is stunningly beautiful. She makes me smile each time she sings. But as strange as can be, someone always seems to outdo her each night. Oh well. Overall, I think she is the best singer in this gig. But whether she wins or not is a whole different issue.Miss London starts her number and there is a subtle hindrance with her volume control. She turned up the decibels and pulled off a highly esteemed little number. I do not think it was the best LaToya London we have seen this season. Nevertheless, it was still a work of excellence, minus the one little drop in pitch - - - - but shhhhh I won't tell anyone.Randy said it was great. Barry is proud to be your writer. Paula said it gave her chills and Simon said you were great. I say, I am proud to be your writer too. You are MY Superfly Soul Sistah! TRIPLE KISSES! 1. Jennifer Hudson - "Weekend In New England"Ahhhhhh. Jennifer Hudson's presence tonight was as refreshing as the crisp clean air in New England. She looked marvelous tonight. She sounded marvelous tonight. SO, in essence, JENNIFER HUDSON WAS SIMPLY MARVELOUS TONIGHT! There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it.Jennifer delivered the second die-hard performance in recent weeks. She commanded the stage as if she already owned the American Idol moniker that hovered above her head. She sang the line, "When will our eyes meet" and that's when it hit me. OH MA GAWD! She has tamed those googly eyes as they are no longer popping out of her head. WOW! THIS SUPERFLY SISTAH means BIZ-NESS!Tonight, the producers of the show inadvertently blindsided me. They threw the cast from The Swan onto our television set and I had the scariest flashback of my entire life. I was so stunned by their presence on the show tonight that I completely forgot what the judges said about J-Hud tonight. However, I can tell you that the SWANS loved you. Did you see me sitting with them in the audience (tee hee hee). I stand corrected - somebody can make a Barry Manilow song exciting, even outside the friendly confines of the Chelsea Saunas.Jennifer Hudson - - - - YOU GO GIRL!My Take: I really feel a devastating surprise looming tomorrow. First, I think the bottom three will be Jasmine, Diana, and Opie. But while all of the sane Americans are sitting at home and waiting for Opie to finally get dismissed, Seatriscuit will give Jasmine a shocking blow.Call me crazy, but it might be an aftershock of freaky energy considering the fact that John Peter Poltergeist was booted only 5 days ago. So, I am afraid we might all be packing for another luau folks. But this time, I won't be as excited.One Final Message:I get e-mails from time to time from readers who want to know what gender I am. They want to know what color I am. They want to know what religion I am. Some even think I am Simon Cowell himself. I also get e-mails from time to time from people who yell at me because they are John Peter fans (by the way - ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaa - plllllt). Any way you slice it, the e-mails I receive are often times more entertaining than the show itself. But I can honestly say that I never expected the warm reception I received during this week's absence (while I was prepping for my new reality show). I received a few e-mails from people who were concerned that something was wrong. Well, I want to extend my gratitude to you for your concern. However, just know that I was a little under the weather - nothing more, nothing less. So thank you for the e-mails. I appreciate your continuing support and your boggling interest.Now - back to the conclusion of this American Idol jumpathon.Tonight I will conclude this review with a very brief explanation illustrating the type of people who are voting for Jon Stevens at this point in time. Now, I can assure you that I am inevitably going to receive a few e-mails from people who are curious to know whether I really did have a sex-change operation. Well folks - these are the same people who would vote for Jon Steven's performance tonight - - COMPLETELY CLUELESS! CU Tomorrow Nite!I am The Raging Critic - and I approve this message! Video14947@blogcritics.org Wed, 21 Apr 2004 09:34:53 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/04/08/102309.php The Raging CriticFor One Idol Hopeful, There's No Place BUT Home Chapter 8: The Wizard of Odd By: The Raging Critic"For nearly three years this story has given faithful service to the Young in Heart; and Time has been powerless to put its kindly philosophy out of fashion. To those of you who have been faithful to it in return...and to the Young in Heart... I dedicate this review."Yippeeeee. Tonight is a night of pure love and joy. The show had 24 million calls last night - the audience is holding neon colored signs all over the place - and Ryan Seacrest is simply mad about all of the glitter again! Wait a minute???? Wasn't Elton in Vega$ last night??? He introduces the judges and tells America that he is sick and tired of their beading eyes glaring at him across the stage. UM HELLLOOOO! Can we say D-E-L-U-S-I-O-N-S of P-E-R-S-E-C-U-T-I-O-N???? Someone please get Ryan a therapist. The last time he got insecure they booted his co-host of the show the following season! Or, that's at least what half of America thinks.The show gets down and dirty in a jiffy and our hostess with the mostess is interviewing our contestants. John Peter Ingalls Wilder is wearing a t-shirt that says "treasure hunter." Apparently, he is not too confident that he will win this gig, so treasure hunting has become "Plan B." Fantasia is flapping her monstrous mouth all about and tells America that Simon was sleepy last night. Yes Fantasia - and so was half of America after sitting through three snor-ific performances last night!!!! Camile wanted to send daddy birthday wishes. Hopefully, America can send you off with a one-way ticket to Japan tonight and you can tell him face to face!!!!!!!! Opie seems to thing he is one red hot number, while Jasmine and Diana are begging America for pity as they apparently have a really bad case of NERVOUSITIS. LaToya then tells America that she would have no shame singing at weddings. GAAAAASP! My mind then started racing. LATOYA - WILL YOU SING AT MY WEDDING???????AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I got on the phone and started making the calls. I called and booked a date with the Metropolitan Community Church. I got the photographer all squared away for a dynamite photo shoot (HERB RITZ - OF COURSE). Abel could be our DJ and Power Infinity could be the flower girl. Oh - and we could have the reception at the beautiful Vizcaya on the banks of the Biscayne Bay! OHHHH how lovely it would be!And then I realized that I was merely daydreaming. After all, I am not allowed to get married in this country. Apparently, some former cocaine addict supposedly has a better sense of "family values" than me. Oh well. Maybe LaToya would settle for a cold, boring, and lifeless civil union ceremony???? I guess I'll just have to ask her after she becomes a singing sensation.I thought to myself, "Oh the misery of this world - Oh how I wish I could escape from reality. I feel trapped inside a world only comprised of black and white. Gimme some color damnit!!!!"Before my dream sequence could get any more controversial, the producers then shove the finalists new CD right into our faces. It whisked past my screen like a cyclone. The next thing I know, I land smack dab in the middle of a Technicolor world - one filled with hopes and dreams. Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore. That's right, I was back in American Idol Land again! Weeeeeeeeeee!And then wallah! The American Idol finalists were onstage doing their big medley performance. J-Hud's eyes were blowing out of her skull. Diana looked like she stole Mariah Carey's look right from the very pages of the "Glitter" dress rehearsal room. LaToya looked like she was three feet tall. Heck, she might even be too short to join the Lollypop Guild. The group then started singing "Benny and the Jets" as if it were the Cell Block Tango. Can we say - Lipshits??? The three men then come out while singing "Daniel" and the choreography practically scared the living daylights out of me. They closed out the number singing "Saturday Saturday Saturday" in a scene quite reminiscent of my old days touring with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. WEIRD!It only got worse from there though. The contestants were sent on their annual fieldtrip to get a taste of stardom. They traveled all over the red carpets of Los Angeles and got to hang out with the Olsen twins, Nickelodeon, and Jennifer Love Hewitt. They even got to have a race to the center of the stage at some ignoramous awards show for kids. PEOPLE - THIS was simply too horrifying for words! The Olsen twins?????? Nickelodeon??????? Jennifer Love Hewitt?????? I mean, was this American Idol or was this the 700 Club?????Tamyra Gray (the good witch from season one) then materialized and delivered her very own composition. It was called "Raindrops Will Fall." Tamyra started the song off and it sounded okay at first. Unfortunately though, she did not hit the high notes. I was actually a bit embarrassed for her - but not because of her singing, but because of her songwriting. I mean - what was that thing??? She would have been better off singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" just like she did last year. And then, without warning, the Wicked Witch of Season Two appeared right before my very eyes. OH NO! It's JULIA DEMATO AGAIN! EEEEEEEEEEK! She shocked the world when she revealed that she would be releasing a single soon. And then suddenly, a big double-wide trailer came crashing down on top of her (I think it was Carmen's). I bent over and snatched her DJ Ruby Rhod slippers. I placed them on my feet and started parading around my living room - - - - Folks, we're off to see the wizard!I'm just hoping it isn't the Imperial Wizard?!?!?!?! Wouldn't that suck!By the way, Seacrest tells us that he is going to do something different tonight. Instead of giving us the bottom three, he is going to separate the group into a top three, middle three, and bottom three. OOOOOH HOW INTERESTING!We then started our journey down the proverbial yellow brick road. In a nutshell, Seacrest then divided up the contestants into three groups:Group A (Scarecrow) - Jasmine, Diana, CamileGroup B (Tin Man) John Peter, Opie, FantasiaGroup C (Cowardly Lion) J-Hud, LaToya, George Sooooooooooooo, my pretties, I look into my crystal ball and see that Diana and the two hula hulas are going to boil in the pot tonight. The other six then wandered back over to the sofas and it was time to find out who gets sent back to Kansas.Diana was given the key to the shelter, which left us with the two Hawaiian Wahines. Jasmine started squealing. She was terrified of the thought of losing this battle. Not only would she not be the American Idol, but she would also be the runner up to Ms. Hawaiian Idol. She ripped the flower out of her hair and threw it across the stage to distract Camile. I guess sheep like eating plants??? Jasmine then reached for the closest bucket of water and threw it all over Camile."AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Camile started screaming. "I'm melting!!!!! I'm meeeeeltiiiiiiiiing!"Camile Velasco - - - say goodbye to the yellow brick road because you have been eliminated!I then leaped from my couch and almost tripped (those damned ruby slippers) from excitement. I began dancing and singing like a munchkin....."Aloha-haAloha-ho And a couple of tra - la - las That's how we laugh the day away In the Merry Old Land of Oz..." I then ran across my room and flicked off the television set. I clicked my heels three times and started saying, "there's no place like home, there's no place like home,there's no place like home." [After repeating the magical phrase, this review fades out on my radiant face] CU Next Tuesday!I am The Raging Critic - and I approve this message! Video14537@blogcritics.org Thu, 8 Apr 2004 10:23:09 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/04/07/120127.php The Raging CriticAmerican Idol Does The Crocodile Rock Chapter 7: Three Ring Circus By: The Raging CriticLaaadiiees and Gentlemen and children of all ages, Sir Elton John has tried to steal the thunder from Sir William Hung! I had recently been shocked and appalled that this wretched little Riki Martinomo routine had popped into the spotlight. Nevertheless, he has managed to grasp my approval. Why? Because he will hopefully distract all of those looney tunes circus roadies who are punching their phone pads for Opie and Carmen - I mean Camile - Velasco! People are starving for attention in Los Angeles and we are feeding them a bunch of pity votes! WHAT'S WITH THESE PEOPLE??????? They are turning this show into a three-ring-circus!Here is my full and final statement - - - last year it was the Carmen fans. This year we have the Jon Stevens and Camile fans! These people have to fall into one of the "stupid people voter" categories I established last season. That is, unless they really think these kids are the best????? (which I find to be veeeeeeery peculiar) Meanwhile, Sir Elton is looking as knightly as ever. He rode my trusty steed, Seatriscuit, into this gig - but I didn't see any armor. Isn't he supposed to be a knight????? And why didn't he bring the pips this time? HEHE.By the way, I forgot to mention - - - Seatriscuit is a Dancing Lipizzaner Stallion. The breed became particularly famous when they got a bad case of herpes while traveling with the circus in the 1970's. And honey, lemme tell you - it just ain't pretty when they are at the circus when that happens!!!!!! NO WONDER ELTON DIDN'T STICK AROUND TO BE A GUEST JUDGE!?!?!?! Eeeeeeeew!But never fear ladies and gentleman and children of all ages, The Raging Ringmaster is here to bring out the finest acts in the land (cough - hack). Here they are folks, starting with the clowns and ending with the thunderous roar of a surprising lion.9. John Peter Lewis - "Rocket Man" JPL must have been sucked back into the light with me last week. He did not seem to have that demonic spirit living inside himself anymore. He came onstage with his brand new Michael Landon Little House hairdo and a peppy green jacket. The only thing missing were some cute little lace socks and a kite! I mean, what happened to this dude?????John Peter opened his mouth and three hundred different singers were singing out of his mouth tonight. One line would be convincing while the next line would be painful. He sounded confident and commanding in one breath and then timid and meek in the next. And then it dawned on me - - this guy is a total poser! I wouldn't be surprised if he made a crazy bet with someone to enter this competition and has somehow managed to make it this far. He simply did not have any confidence tonight.Randy said it wasn't your favorite. Paula insinuated that you had no range. Simon gave you the ultimate insult and said you needed singing lessons. As much as I have NOT liked JPL this season, I at least secretly admired his weirdness. Tonight that fuse has fizzled. So, if you are the rocket man, then I say we shoot you outta this circus like a great big cannonball cuz Mars ain't the kind of place to raise our kids. KA-BOOM!8. Camile Velasco - "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" The Scarecrow wants to find his brains. The Tin Man wants to find his heart. The Lion wants to find his courage and now, The Hawaiian Sheep wants to find her voice. Thank Goodness you are lucky enough to have a friend of Dorothy's drop by to offer a little inspiration and some voice coaching![Enter Elton John]Camile could not stop crying in rehearsals this week because she is obsessed with Sir Elton John. He is a big gay white man with a whole lotta black woman living inside him. Camile obviously tried to achieve this bizarre feat tonight but managed to blow it all outta proportion. She tried to add a little R&B flavah to this number, but she ended up jerking the lyrics all over the place.Randy said it was a little shakey. Um, Hellooooo? It was so shakey that it apparently knocked the demons out of John Peter this week!!!!!!!! Paula looked like she was trying to catch her balance as your vibrato almost rattled her chair off of the stage. Simon said this might be the end of the road for you. I say - if I were you, I'd be saying goodbye to that yellow brick road too. Your voice might sound less jerky if you traveled along some smoother pavement.7. Jon Stevens - "Crocodile Rock" Opie is almost as red as Elton's piano. Elton wants this crooning little snapper to spice up his personality. After all, clowns do need to keep the audience peppy! So, Opie decided to bring out a little bit of zaniness tonight as he picked the most up tempo-Elton song on the planet. This show can't get any more crazy can it???????Opie starts flapping his red face and his fingers start snapping away. I started to watch him and I actually got a smile on my face. It was not boring. It was not dreary. By golly - this guy actually did a decent job tonight - - - - - - that is - - - - - - until he started hitting those high notes....... "Laaaaaaaaaaaaah Ack ack ack ack aaaaaaaaaaaaaack. Ack ack ack ack aaaaaaaaaaaaaack." Somebody call in the Crocodile Hunter in a jiffy and get this guy outta here. I think Camile has given this guy her sinus problem!!! It must be CONTAGIOUS!!!!Randy was cracking up and said you were worse than a high school play. Paula then gives what seemed like a benediction, but she basically said you were pitchy. Simon said you were the musical equivalent to Plan Nine from Outer Space. I say - you were the sound equivalent to a homeless woman's queef. Dial 1-866-Idols-OhNo.6. Diana DeGarmo - "I'm Still Standing" Diana is here to show her SASSY personality. She is wearing a butterfly infested shirt and is running through the rafter while high-fiving the audience. As she ran by and smacked these people half to death, I noticed many of them wiping their hands on the front of their jeans. EEEEEEW. Diana must have cooties! I mean, what else could explain her screaming tonight.Diana simply had her worst performance ever tonight. She had no control of her depth. She had no control of her volume. She had no control of her giddy clapathon disaster. The only thing missing was a little slobber and a lollypop to go with that finger licking bad performance. CLAP ON CLAP OFF - THE CLAPPER - [clap clap].Randy said you were aiiiiight. Paula said that she still thinks you are talented. In other words Diana, you were really crappy tonight. Simon said he had nothing to say. Well - - while you are still standing Diana, I am gonna try to pick myself up from laughing at your performance - - and I do apologize for interrupting Mr. Cowell's moment of silence for you.5. Jasmine Trias - "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" Jasmine takes her turn at tonight's Big Top Extravaganza. She has came here tonight to make Elton proud. She is dressed in Cher's half-breed get-up (minus the feathers). She stormed onstage and delivered another excellent performance.Jazz Tree wails away and I started to get all warm inside. Her voice has returned after a 2-week vacation. YIPPEEEEEE! However, while she was singing about not letting the sun go down on her, her vocal cords took a surprise nosedive. She dropped a note toward the end and warbled out a creeky little finish to her number. Although the ending was a bit off, the song was an overall success.Randy said you were pitchy. Paula said you were pitchy. UGH!!!!! Last year we were subjected to the over-usage of the term "upper register" and now we must suffer through the word "pitchy" all season. Simon basically said the sun went down on you tonight. THAT PERVERT! Well, I say these people were too caught up in the pitch, because that performance was outstanding!4. LaToya London - "Someone Save My Life Tonight" LaToya is sitting on the steps. She is begging America to save her life tonight. That's right. People were busy voting for morons last week instead of letting their fingers walk for this lyrical gem. She was dragged through the trenches of the bottom three barrel and is out to campaign for your support. And why shouldn't you?? She is terrific!LaToya has finally dropped her nasty Christina Haguilera genie outfit and is back to her normal self. I was a little nervous as she sang the first verse or two. It sounded like she had a weak grasp of her chords. But never fail - - she took hold of herself and commanded a spectacular finish. She held her notes and controlled the change of her tone very nicely. And if you add the aesthetic quality of this girl's teeth, you have yourself one sparkling performance. Randy thanked you for singing great. Paula said you were magical. Simon said your first two-thirds were a little iffy, but overall you had a great performance. I actually agree with Simon tonight. I only hope America did too. We need to pick up our phones and save your life tonight in order to prevent you from further humiliation.TRIPLE KISSES!3. George Huff - "Take Me to the Pilot OOOOOOHHH Our hot little flight attendant porno theme song has found its way to the gospelized vocals of our Humpty Huff. George is begging the world to clear the chambers and to get him up to that cockpit in lickety-split fashion. Well, all I can say is that it must have been one hot pilot!Georgie starts singing this ditty and America was suddenly riding the friendly skies of Fabulair Airlines. We were rocking and a rolling and it felt like a good ole' night in the bayou. If it is possible to even say it, I think he may have actually put more soul into this number than Elton himself. I used to think this guy was a clown like Rickey Smith. But I have since been proven wrong.Randy said you worked it out. (Hmmmm, that's what the pilot said). Paula said you were a singing machine (mmm hmm - a 747)! Simon said you saved the show tonight from the death-defying sideshow we have witnessed tonight. I say you were absolutely brilliant in picking a lesser-known song tonight. It allowed America to see your vocal ability without the hazy image of His Royal Soulness. You keep surprising me every week!!2. Fantasia Barrino - "Something About The Way You Look Tonight" For Fantasia Barrino, the best thing after having her baby is being able to sing with Elton John. Elton fell in love with Fantasia during rehearsals. He said she was incredible. Meanwhile, Fantasia looked right into the camera and then told America that it was time for her to "get it ooooooooooooooh-n."Fantasia started her number way up in the audience. She looked like a kid being dragged down the stairs to play the Grand Prize Game with Bozo the Clown. Thankfully though, she was no Bozo tonight. In fact, she managed to nail this grand prize game bucket for bucket. I was astounded by her captivating spirit as it transcended upon those of us who packed into this tent. And it wasn't the way she looked tonight, it was the way she sounded - - - SUPERB!Randy said you sounded like Aretha. Paula said there was nothing about you she doesn't love. Simon said you screeched it and that it was your weakest performance ever. WHAT-EVER SIMON - YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK - GOODBYE! Fantasia - you are a freak-of-nature and I love you for it!!!1. Jennifer Hudson - "Circle of Life" Where do we even begin?Within the past two to three weeks, I became convinced that J-Hud needed to get the heck outta here. She had thrown too much "HALLELUJAH" into her performances lately. As much as I love black gospel music, I did not like the country or Motown mixmaster flash versions that we suffered through the past two weeks.Excuse me while I convert. I have just become a J-Hudson's Witness. She came onstage tonight with the spirit of the Lion King. She opened up this number with a thunderous roar - and refused to stop until all of us doubting hyenas stopped laughing at her. I quit laughing and my jaw dropped to the ground. WOW!Randy said it was the best performance by anyone ever on this show. Paula said you finally found yourself. Simon said that you finally proved you belong in the top twelve. What an understatement that was, Simon! Tonight, Jennifer Hudson took the Fantasia-LaToya diva competition and turned it into a three ring circus.My Take: I am starting to get totally confused for the first time in my American Idol career (hehehe). I mean - I love me some LaToya. I really want her to win, but Fantasia is wowing me more and more each week too. George Huff has blown me away lately and I am finding myself rooting him on as well. Jasmine has thrown a couple of tricks into the mix and I can't help but wonder if she has something even bigger up her sleeve. John Peter has shaken his demons and moved to Walnut Grove with Nelly Olsen. That Michael Landon coif has gotsta go! It sure is getting wild and crazy up in here folks.But what was with the judges tonight? Just when you think you got these people figured out, they throw us some alter egos. Paula was not nice enough tonight. I mean - that is why she is there right? Simon actually managed to ridicule a contestant without getting booed (JPL). I mean, what is going on here?I have no idea who will go home this week. If this is the circus, then the Ringling Brothers might have a run for their money. The only thing missing here is the Big Top. ....speaking of which - where is that pilot Georgie was telling all of us about?????CU Tomorrow Nite!I am The Raging Critic - and I approve this message! Video14498@blogcritics.org Wed, 7 Apr 2004 12:01:27 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/04/01/092917.php The Raging CriticAmerican Idol Torches A Spark Chapter 6: Poltergeist By: The Raging CriticLast night was a crazy night I tell ya! Before I laid me down to sleep, my television turned on all by itself. I sat up and shrieked with sheer horror. And all of a sudden, I could hear a little girl screaming. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I leaped to my feet and instantly ran to the tube. I pressed my hands firmly upon the screen to ask who was there. I started to yell out "Carol Anne, run from the light - RUN FROM THE LIGHT!" Within an instant, Carol Anne reached out and grabbed me and sucked me into the tube!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! There's John Peter Poltergeist! I was terrified! I have been captured by him and that creepy Carol Anne girl! No, wait a minute - - - - - COULD IT BE???? Yes folks, I was sucked right inside the American Idol television show tonight. YIPPPEEEEEEEEEEE!Seatriscuit floats across the room like Casper the Friendly Ghost. He is dodging all of the signs carried by scores of loony tune fans! He tells us that the show of the popularity is soaring. Well, now that America has gotten to know these kids, all of the maniacs have brought their signs and they are ready to toss their least favorite into the bonfire.He introduces the top ten and they are looking as valiant as ever. George Huff was smiling ear to ear tonight. He was relieved to hear that the woman he almost drowned in the audience last night fully recovered. LaToya is looking like a GENIE in a bottle as she pirouetted around the stage. And suddenly we are in our first big group number!!!!!WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!The gang strutted out and was chirping out a little Motown tune written by Ashford of Nairobi and his trusty sidekick, Simpson - - - "Ain't No Mountain High Enough!"And away they went. They danced all over the stage like a bunch of Old Navy commercial rejects. The only thing missing was Morgan Fairchild and some creepy looking twins with glowing teeth. BLING! J-Hud has gotten herself a Marlo Thomas, "That Black Girl" hairdo. FIERCE! Opie was snapping his little red self all over the place. Camile decided to pull off the Hawaiian version of Bjork with that hair she was wearing. Just call her C&H PURE CANE SUGARCUBES!Even though the singing was pretty decent, it got gayer and gayer and gayer as the song waged on like a longstanding war. HOLY SHOW CHOIR IDOL!!!!!!!!!! They were waving and clapping and "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOhhhhh-ing" until I started to turn green. I looked just like Linda Blair and then I realized, that I was under John Peter's hypnotic spell!!!! EEEEEEEK! But I held back the bile and it only got worse. They started doing a pom pon squad routine like they were doing a halftime show. Then, they got into a line and flung their hands into the air for the big finish.WHAAAAAAAAT??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!Who is putting these goofy group numbers together? Sparky Polastri????? The only thing missing were the spirit fingers. HYSTERICAL! Pom pon squads?Clapping and snapping?Fake happy faces plastered all over the stage?Big hand-raising finish?Folks -do you remember when Simon told Diana that she gave a high school production??? Well, for those of you who did not get it, that group number had all of the qualities of a high school production - except for those corny glittery outfits!Seatriscuit then leaps out from the pom pod squad and he is ready to give us the rundown. It's time to toss one of these kiddies into the bonfire and give little Carol Ann a playmate behind that snowy television screen (By the way, tonight's chapter is on Poltergeist, so if you are lost, then you need to get with the program and go rent Poltergeist - RIGHT NOW).Fantasia - You've got some funky cool eye shadow on tonight and you look like you are ready for the remake video for "Love Is A Battlefield." Girl - You are SAFE! WOOOOHOOO! Fantasia jumped up and started dancing around and pumped her fist all over the place. FANTASIA????? Helloooooo? Be polite! We are booting Camile off tonight remember???????? John Peter Poltergeist - I ran at the sight of John Peter tonight. I was sucked into his Poltergeist-like world tonight, so I am in his territory and I fear him. He was safe and that's all I can tell you. NOW SOMEBODY HELP ME FIND THE LIGHT SO I CAN GET THE HECK OUTTA HERE!!!!Jazz Tree - Jasmine decided to come to the show tonight dresses as a blooming pineapple. She looks nervous after realizing her 2PID-ity last night after singing a Kelly Clarkson song. Lucky for Jasmine, pineapples are in season right now, so she can hang around a little while longer. But girlfriend - take some friendly advice - do not sing anything by Kelly or Clay.George - George's face zoomed into a super large display. He is twitching and twisting like an 8 year-old with ADHD. GET THIS BOY SOME RITALIN STAT! Seatriscuit then calms his nerves and gives him the nod of safety. WHEW! Whatever, we all knew he was going to be safe. J-Hud, Camile, and Opie are in the bottom three remember??????Amy - The camera darts over to Amy and she is shaking like a mad woman. She has ditched the loving peppy side of herself for only a brief moment. Ryan then tells Amy that she is off to the bottom three. WHAAAAAAAAAAT? OH NO! Nevertheless, Amy maintains her chipper composure and graciously walks over to center stage. J-Hud - You got yourself some snazzy hair tonight. Although I do not think you deserve to be in the bottom three yet, I can't help but think your number is up tonight. Sure enough, Ryan delivered the fateful blow and Jennifer traipsed over to the bonfire with Jay Leno's long lost sister.Diana - Next up was Diana. She looked petrified!!!! With the amount of tremors in her facial muscles, Diana is showing signs of a mental meltdown. THANK GOODNESS HER GOOD FRIEND JULIA DEMATO IS IN THE HOUSE!!! Can we say, "group therapy?" Diana, darling, you are safe! Can someone please get this girl a shrink before the end of the week? Otherwise, she will not be able to make it much longer.Camile - Bjorkaloha is crying. She is apparently having teary eyes along with her sinus infection and other messy ENT problems. Either that or she is baked outta her gourd! Seatriscuit then tells her she is safe. UGH! I knew that Carmen (oops, I mean, Camile) would still be here since she was not one of the last two in the lineup. Oh well, Opie is gonna fry, right??????LaToya and Opie- Opie is sweating bullets now because everyone knows LaToya London is going to face off against Fantasia in the final!!!! LaToya - you may look like a Genie in a Bottle tonight, but you must have rubbed America the wrong way, you are in the bottom three!!!!!WHAT? NOOOOOOOOOO!Luckily for those of us at home, Ryan sent LaToya back to safety. I was shaking with anger and was prepared to wage a war against all of Opie's voters and all of Camile's fans. Is anybody paying attention this season?????Amy and J-Hud stood there numb and confused. April Fools day is tomorrow so there is no chance of a sick and twisted joke! As those of us at home were teetering and tottering between denial and acceptance, Ryan delivered the last strike of the match and set the bonfire ablaze.Amy Adams - you are finished!Booooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Are you kidding me????????Everybody knows that the three worst singers are John Peter, Opie, and Camile. The fact that none of these three made it to the bottom three is proof that somebody has taken this show by hostage. My bet is on John Peter and his demonic fans. Somebody, prepare for the inquisition before its too late.America can rest itself assured that a country music megastar has been born. Amy Adams is going to be a star. You mark my words! However, American Idol just lost a great big ray of light as the show grew to a dimming close. Amy Adams was a spark in the AI3 ensemble. Her early departure is certainly a saddening surprise. Darkness started to settle and I suddenly could not see any light! Someone please, tell me where the light went?????????????I then heard the voice of a fat little midgety-dwarf woman playing a church organ. She sounded like a member of the Lollypop Guild. She was screaming to me, "RAGE, RAGE, come into the light, come into the light." SO, I ran to the light and then instantly fell out of my television set and onto the floor."Whew," was that a crazy night or what? I knew then that the only thing that would make America wake up and start voting for talent would be to seek assistance from a little help from my drag queen friend, Miss Divine Intervention. She is my boveda (my spiritual shrine).I then flicked off my television set and walked over to my boveda. I asked my spirits to tell me what I needed to do in order to cleanse America from this demonic possession. They whispered to me and gave me the magic answer. So, I lit my candle and dedicated it to the spirit of Miss Amy Adams. I then walked over to my computer, clapped my hands two times, and slowly walked away.THIS HOUSE IS CLEAN! (I surely hope so.........) CU Next Tuesday!I am The Raging Critic - and I approve this message! Video14289@blogcritics.org Thu, 1 Apr 2004 09:29:17 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/03/31/092301.php The Raging CriticAmerican Idol's Passion Is Motown Funky Chapter 5: Spoofing My Religion By: The Raging CriticJust two short weeks ago we were treated to the gospel roots of soul music. Tonight, we are taking on its descendent genre now known as Motown. You see, slavery and religion begat soul music, which begat funk music, which begat Motown music, which begat R&B, which begat Pop, which begat American Idol. Wow - pass me the holy water now please!So in the spirit of this week's theme, I tossed my lasso and chaps into the closet and reached for the nearest bass guitar and started to strum!!!! I gathered up all of this season's church-choir-singing idols (pretty much everyone except John Peter Potatogeist) and prepared to find the real PASSION of Motown!Seatriscuit then pops out of my closet and runs onto the stage (hey - he is "OUT" now, remember). He looks as angelic as ever in his pretty white suit. He then tells us that The Funk Brothers are here to provide us with some lovely background music. WOOOOHOOOO! It is finally safe to clean those cobwebs out from the Studio A basement! It's time for a little revival!Next, Seatricsuit brings out our first set of guest judges this season! It's a bird, it's a plane, no - - - IT's IT's - - - Ashford and Simpson!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The camera pans over to the dynamic duo and.......EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK...... OH MAH GAWD - - It's JESUS!!!! I could have sworn they said he was from Nazareth. Maybe that got lost in translation and he was really from Nairobi???? Hmmmmm. I guess we should all just try to get along since we can't ever seem to agree - - - - right?????Seriously though folks - what is it with the 1970's funked out brothers? They still have their long hair!!! Remember Verdine White from last season???? I would have actually believed that Ashford was Jesus. But then I recall that Mel Gibson already showed the world the true story of Jesus! That's right, we all know he is really Jim Caviezal! But before the last supper gets cold, lets line up the apostles from Judas Priest to Jumping Jahosaphets...10. Jon Stevens - "My Girl" -TemptationsOpie the Red Snapper comes out and he is dressed to kill. Unfortunately, so were his vocal cords. With one sweeping blow of his terrible song choice, Jon Stevens killed all of us tonight. He had a really rough time with the high notes and at one point, he even choked on his own vibrato!!!! SOMEONE SMACK THIS POOR CROONER ON HIS BACK PLEASE!!!!! I think he has a lyric or two lodged in his windpipe!Randy said you were rough. Paula said you were safe. Right Paula, while Opie is playing it safe he is putting all of us in harms way! Ashford climbed down from the cross and called you pure and innocent. Simon said your grandparents were cute. I say you need to clear your throat and get the funk outta town! The Bible says we can eat the fish, so I say we feed this Red Snapper to the audience and get on with our little show next week.9. Camile Velasco - "For Once In My Life" -Stevie WonderCamille still has the SARS virus. Either that or she has a major booger problem. But to add insult to her injurious melody, she came onstage tonight all wrapped up in Opie's grandmother's afghan. WHHHAAAAT? Someone please help this girl! She could not even shop properly at the Salvation Army. She starts her song with a little, "everybody give it up" intro. Sure Camile - like I am gonna give it up for this performance?????? She kept bouncing and bouncing as she tried to sing this song. Camille, this is MO-TOWN, not the theme song to MO-ESHA! Get a grip!Randy said it was aiiiiiiight. Paula said it was your best performance (UGH). Ashford said he was entranced by your eyes. Simpson started praying for you on the rosary (yes, it was this bad). Simon said you did not raise the bar. Camile - - for once in my life I can finally say that I heard a woman fart from her throat! And that is a bloody miracle! Tito - pass her some tissue!8. John Peter Lewis - "This Old Heart Of Mine" -The Isley Brothers (and Rod Stewart)John Peter was on his best behavior tonight. Ashford's presence must have intimidated the demons living inside him. He managed to keep the googly eyes and trance possession shakedowns at a bare minimum tonight. Nevertheless, he shook enough so that I could not read the words on his shirt. I am sure it was a subliminal message hypnotizing even more crazy viewers.... WAKE UP AMERICA! Neverthless, he abducted the audience and they gave him a standing ovation???? Yep - they're possessed alright!!! They are possessed by a really bad impersonation of Kevin Bacon in the movie Footloose!Randy said your voice was not kicking tonight. Everybody cut, everybody cut!!!!!!! Paula could not think of anything nice to say so she praised the band. Simpson said you did your thang! Simon said your dancing is horrendous. Although you were flat, I will give you two snaps and an extra point for your groovy little coat tonight - and coming from me, that is a total compliment!!! I did notice that Ashford the Holy Ghost steered clear of your demonic self. Somehow this comes as no surprise.7. Diana DeGarmo - "Do You Love Me" -The ContoursDiana mosies onstage tonight and she looks like she is competing in Pentecostal Idol. She also had a cheesy smile plastered all over her face. She screamed and hollered so loud that one would have thought she was speaking in tongues. She danced around charismatically and bobbled her Holly Hobby hairdo all around the stage. And then, just when I thought I could not get more freaked out, the camera pans into the audience and they show me Julia Frickin' Demato!! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! Pass me the crucufix pleeeeeeease!Randy said you had the performance of the night. Paula said you can blow. WHAAAAAAAAT? Diana - - you little dime store hussy you!!!!! Simpson said you served it out [Diana then looked over and asked, "who is this again, and why does she think she is narrating a tennis match???] Simon called it a high school production and Julia DeMato jumped up and started cheering (Julia thinks that was a compliment). I say DeMato, you say DeGarmo - let's call the whole high school production off! I agree with Simon. It was total cheese!6. Jennifer Hudson - "Heat Wave" -Martha And The VandellasJ-Hud wobbled onto the stage and she is burning up like a Heat Wave. She still has her paper shredded hairdo strapped to her noggin' and she ain't about to apologize about it either. She gyrated and shantayed her fabulous self all over the stage like she was Miss Tyra Banks. Unfortunately though for J-Hud, this show is NOT Top Model. The performance was good, but not as good as the others. However, I will admit that she pulled this off much better than K-Lo did last season. So, do your thing and walk down that runway.Randy said, "yo yo yo yo yo." Paula said you sounded great. Simpson said you hit the big notes. I say we hit the gong behind her next week if she doesn't step it up. Simon said you were "entertaining, manic, mad, and good." Sheeeeesh Simon, thanks for divulging your perverted affections! 5. Amy Adams - "Dancing In The Streets"-Martha ReevesAmy has decided to sing a slutty little number. This little ditty was perky and cute and practically prostitutional. Ooooooh, I just loved it! Unfortunately, though, I do not think America will. Amy is just not closing the deal with America and the course of her own song illustrated this fact. She belted out a great number, but her volume control was lacking and the ending was a total train wreck. This little dance in the sheets ended up being a cold night under the covers for me. BRRRRRRRRR!Randy and Paula said you murdered the last note. Simpson said you weren't original. WOW! Aren't weeeeee a snappy little guest judge????????? Then again, I would be catty too if I was married Jesus of Nairobi. You go Miss Simpson. Mr. Cowell then banters on about how you look like Jay Leno. I say you walk over to him after the show tomorrow night and smack him for that comment. That was an all time low blow (teeee hee hee).4. Jasmine Trias - "You're All I Need To Get By" -Marvin GayeJazz Tree has decided to commit American Idol suicide tonight. She made the tragic mistake of singing a Kelly Clarkson song. Ummmm - Earth to Jasmine - are you a total moron or what?????? Whether you love Kelly Clarkson or hate her now, there is no denying that every performance she had during American Idol I was tremendous. She defined this show just as much as Simon Cowell himself. Randy said you were pitchy. Paula indicated that she was tone deaf tonight and was not able to judge. Ashford said he wrote this gospel and he loved the way you sang it. Simon said you were the best so far tonight. I say you are just not bright. And although you did well tonight, all of America sat at home and compared you to Kelly. And guess what, Kelly wins!!!!!! It is not wise to sing anything that another idol has sung well. America, please call 1-800-IAM-2PID and cast your vote for Jasmine tonight. And tell 'em that The Raging Critic sent ya!3. LaToya London - "Ooh Baby Baby" -The MiraclesOOOOOOHHH Baby Baby. LaToya's voice has got America making them babies!!!!! Tonight we heard some funky-smooth, making-love music!!!!! But guuurlfirend - - I got to tell you one thing! That hair was just downright wrong tonight. Did Steven Cojocaru give you some triple-wide extensions with those triple kisses last week, or did Amy Adams get you drunk last night and convince you to let her do your hair???? You looked like the taller, older, black, female version of Bam Bam!Nevertheless, I love Miss London to pieces. She is a lyrical marvel and we must show her some respect. Therefore, I propose that we make a toast to her fabulousness and forever dub her as "La Bam Bam!" Randy said he was not liking the hair. Paula said you can do no wrong. The Last Temptation of Ashford started to air as he applauded your sex appeal. Simon said you look like you had a cat on your head. SHEEEESH! He only wishes. 2. George Huff - "Ain't To Proud To Beg" -The TemptationsGeorge Huff is sick of being an underdog. He decided to turn the stage into a boxing ring as he pelted the other idols with his amazing talent. This choir boy put the tabernacle boxing gloves on and knocked a religious experience right into America. Tonight we saw the true spirit of Motown. Thank you George Huff!As George ended his number he tossed a slobber-covered, sweat-sopping towel into the audience. I started to feel like I was watching Rocky and Adrian all over again. I think the woman who caught it drowned in her seat though. Paramedics had not yet left the scene by the time the show ended and we were forced to watch that 90210 rip-off they call the O.C. ICK!Randy said this was your night. Paula said you are a front man. Simpson said you "don't need no microphone." I say we don't need no stinking guest judges this season!!!!!!! Simon agrees but did not say it tonight. Instead, he took back his harsh words from days past and started to praise you!George was flabbergasted by Simon's kind words. He acted as if he had seen the holy ghost. He started yelling "OH maah gaaaaaaawd. OH maah gaaaaaaaaawd. Praise Jesus!" George, he's sitting right in front of you, so praise away!1. Fantasia Barrino - "I Heard It Through The Grapevine" -Marvin GayeThe California Raisins start doing their conga line onto the stage and there's Miss Fantasia - - strollin' along at the end of the line grinning ear to ear with those effervescent lips. She leaped off the old raisins and ran over to the band for an intimate night with Ms. Fantasia Barrino and The Funk Brothers. It was sultry. It was sleak. It was simply divine. And we need some divine voter intervention because this woman is a miracle! Not only can she sing like no other, but she can say the words "yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" and manage to get away with it.Randy said you were absolutely brilliant. Paula said she has been touched. Simon said you were superb. Ashford called you Fantasia Fantasic. However, he left out one other word - - - F-A-N-T-A-B-U-L-O-U-S! Paula may have been touched by your stage presence, but America was touched by an angel, and her name is Fantasia Barrino. My Take: The bottom three will be Camile, Jon Stevens, and Jennifer Hudson. Camile will get the boot - or, at least if my prayers are answered tonight.Which reminds me... I would like to end this review with a little bedtime prayer (remember, tonight's chapter is on religion). However, tonight's prayer is to LaToya, the Goddess of Song... LaToya, if you can get an overweight, heterosexual, fortysomething, black-balding, record-producing, idol-judging man to take the time to notice your hair???????? Well, then, you gotta look at this as a sign from Jesus. Why you might ask? Well, because men don't notice women's hair unless it is a total mess. And girl yours took the cake. And lucky for you, Jesus was here tonight (hehehe). He appeared tonight in the form of Ashford. Ashford wore a goofy hairdo so you could realize just how silly you looked onstage tonight. Yes, my little La Bam Bam, the Lord works in mysterious ways and he is as solid as a rock. Now, go change your hair.Amen! CU Tomorrow Nite!I am The Raging Critic - and I approve this message! Video14245@blogcritics.org Wed, 31 Mar 2004 09:23:01 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/03/25/092336.php The Raging CriticAmerican Idol Dumps The Bear Chapter 4: Eighth World Wonder By: The Raging CriticWhew! I just got home from riding halfway across the world. I have been searching for the Eighth Wonder of the World. My butt cheeks are chafed from those dreaded chaps and poor little Seatriscuit is worn out from the ride. I hardly thought I could last through another long, drawn-out show due to the exhaustion. And then I realized - - - THIS THING IS ON FOR ONLY A HALF-HOUR TONIGHT!!!!! YEEEEHAAAW!Seatriscuit gallops onstage and the fans were screaming mad! He then tells us that we broke a few records last night. Over 19.5 million votes were cast and the show received the highest Tuesday night rating ever! WOOOHOOOOOO! I then realize how lucky the viewers really are. After all, they could have tortured us with a Josh Gracin performance tonight. While the show is breaking records, he could have broken our ear drums. But Josh is not here now, and we have gathered here today to break a few hearts! It is time to send one of these country bumpkins home tonight!Seatriscuit gets right to the point and introduces our guest performer tonight. HIP HIP HOORRRAAAAAY! Kimberley Locke is back! Ryan then insults her as she shimmies onstage. He exclaims, "here's proof that you don't have to be a WINNER or a STAR to be on this show."AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OH NO HE DIDN'T!Oh yes he did.K-Lo starts singing her new single for the first time ever! She starts out slow with her signature low-volume, weak, and shaky intro. Then WHAM BAM ALACAZAM - she belts it out like there is no tomorrow! Oh my golly, she found the Eighth Wonder of the World before I had a chance tom conquer this feat!!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH! Sounds kinky!!!! I like it! K-Lo trudges on and the song is a gem! She cracked a high note at the end, but she finished it strong. She nailed a note that lasted so long that I started to think she was the eighth wonder herself. So you found the Eighth World Wonder Kimmy????? Please send it my way when you are through with it!Randy said she was hot. Paula said she was amazing. Simon said she would make it through to the next round. OOOOH GOODIE! Does that mean we get to dump two of these contestants tonight in order to keep her????? One can only WONDER. Although K-Lo is really leaving us after tonight, we can all go out and buy her album on May 4th. Sign me up please!Kimberley then moseys offstage and we are now ready to fry three of these cow patties...Opie - You stopped dancing and you started snapping. Whatever it is, you need to keep it up. However, you are nowhere close to being the eighth wonder. Then again, a singing Red Snapper is pretty frickin' wondrous. My gut was telling me that tonight could be a fish fry, but to no avail, you are safe. All of Mayberry is home watching tonight. All five of its citizens are snapping along with you. Hmmm, did they power dial????????Fantasia - Miss Gurl is shakin' her head left to right. Her Jody Watley earrings are flying all over the place. She practically slaughtered Opie and the Rose Bowl Bear at one fell swoop. Matt then leans over and whispers into her ear, "can I borrow these next week?" "HELL NO!" exclaimed Fantasia. "GRRRRRRRR! now get away!" Ryan then tells Fantasia she is safe and she pumps her fist up in the air. Obviously, Simon was wrong last night. He ain't "down with the get down."Mattrosexual Matt - By this time, Matt's panties were all in a twist. He really wanted those dad-gummed earrings to match his fabulous Rose Bowl ring. But the pressure was on and there was no time to squabble. In a moments notice, Ryan sent him to the Bottom Three Barrel. Here Matt, grab your bubble bath just in case you don't return!!!!! Tee hee hee.LaToya - The AI3 penultimate diva is looking red hot tonight. It looks like she and Steven Cojocaru went shopping after the show last night (oh how I miss shopping with my good friend Trenyce). LaToya, not only did you get triple kisses from me and Steven last night, but America gave you triple kisses too. You are safe! She then looks over at Opie and says, "you ain't the only red hot number in this place!" SMOOCH - SMOOCH - SMOOCH!George - Humpty is batting his lashes at the camera. Are those pasted on his head or are they real?????? Good lord! Then I start to wonder..... Are he and Fantasia really the same person???? Is this camera trickery??? Have they uncovered the Janet-Michael Jackson mystery????? Just then, Scooter Girl zooms by in a flash and tears George's breast pads out from his shirt! EEEEW! Oh my GAWD - it is Miss Jackson (it was pretty nasty).Jasmine - Your petite little flower appears to be an annual instead of a perennial. In other words, you have not consistently blossomed this season. Nevertheless, we did give you a bye last night, so you are definitely safe. But listen up my little wahine, you better get your act together or we will be sending you back to Fantasy Island on da plane da plane.John Peter Poltergeist - The Catholic priests are gathering at the Vatican to discuss your savage possession. The world is starting to wonder if he is John Peter is the Scarlet Harlot from Revelations. I grabbed the plastic crucifix I got for free with my ticket to The Passion and slammed it up against my television set. Ryan then tells America that JPL is safe!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHAAAAAH! OH MY GAWD! I think I saw Carol Ann in my T.V.!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEK!Camile - Obviously, this girl was dressed for a disaster tonight. She had to know that tonight was her night to go. She tried to blend in with the other idols. She wore camouflage pants to blend in with the Jasmine garden and she wore a pink top to blend in with Amy Adams' spiky pink head! Ryan then shot a scud missile at her and sent her to losers tow to cuddle with the big bear. Camile raises her powerful wristband and knocks the smoking scud to the ground like a patriot missile. She then picks it up and takes a big hit from it and smiles into the camera. She ain't worried anymore, that's for sure.J-Hud - Jennifer is still dealing with her hair. She looks haggard and worn down from all of the stress. She is still in dismay from her bottom three scare last week, and last night's tragic performance was no help for the nerves. Seatriscuit then gives J-Hud the good news - YOU ARE SAFE! J-Hud's eyes then pop out of her head (even more than usual) and America is flabbergasted because that means either Amy or Diana are toast! OH NO!Amy and Diana - Amy, you blew the barn door off of this redneck roundup and America was blown away by you. Diana, all of America obviously read my review last night and mistakenly called 1-800-IMA-TARD by mistake, cuz you my pretty are in the bottom three.WHAT? Are you kidding me? This is an utter travesty! Diana DeGarmo is one of the top four or five singers in this bunch. There is no way she is on the verge of eviction.During this time, we got to see yet another corny Ford commercial. LOVE SHACK BABY!!!!!! LaToya has kidnapped the gang and they heading down the Atlanta Highway en route to a big rave at a rural farm. Paris Hilton and Nicole run out to greet them! YEEEAHHHHH! Nicole's arm is caked with cow manure and Paris is dressed like she is ready for yet another porn video! In an effort to get the pornographic thoughts of Paris out of my mind, I start singing the song, "I got me a Chrysler and it's as big as a whale......." HUH???????? Here we go again. Last week they ripped off Toyota, this week it is Chrysler. These people are just plain wrong!The camera fades in and the moment has finally arrived. One of these kiddies is getting their season pass to Dollywood taken away. Diana was sent back to safety and I was totally relieved. WHEW!Camile, you need to go to the doctor and get a prescription for Nasonex. I am still trying to recover from the shakes I endured after your performance. But you had better go fill your prescription in a jiffy cuz you are staying a little while longer. Matt, my man, take your bubbles and get the heck outta Dodge! We have some singing to do here! Matt grabbed the microphone and closed his AI3 stint with another innuendo. He sang a lullaby to he sweetheart - Mr. Simon Cowell!!!!!!At that very moment, a huge riot broke out in the Castro. Leather queens and bears were picking up bricks and throwing them at the television set at Moby Dick's. The death of the Bubbles the Bear has caused a scene reminiscent of Stonewall 1969. America, grab a hold of your seats, THE BEARS ARE COMING! Hey, didn't Judy warn us about the Lions and Tigers and Bears?Oh my! CU Next Tuesday!I am The Raging Critic - and I approve this message! Video14059@blogcritics.org Thu, 25 Mar 2004 09:23:36 EST