Blogcritics Author: The Jay

Announcement: Short-content feeds

Phillip Winn — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 12:00:00 EDT

Sunday, August 26, 2007, marks the switch of all Blogcritics.org article feeds from full-content to short-content. This is the result of several converging factors, and is unfortunately a permanent decision (as permanent as any decision can be on the web, that is). We are aware of all of the reasons that this is a Bad Idea, and we are aware that some of you will be quite upset about having to click on something to read the free content, and we're sorry. Unfortunately, despite great effort, full-content feeds are not currently economically viable. Two other factors are involved: full-content feeds have resulted in an unprecedented level of content theft, with BC content appearing on many websites, usually spam sites, without attribution or permission. This duplicate content causes a cascading set of problems, not the least of which is that search engines generally aren't favorable to duplicate content, and don't always guess correctly. Finally, our RSS advertising partner is strongly in favor of short-content feeds. We hope that you'll continue to subscribe to BC via RSS, and when an article grabs your eye, it's only a click away, still free on the BC website. Thank you for your understanding.

Grading the American Idol Top 7 On The Tivo Multi-Bloop Scale

The Jay — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 20:30:57 EDT

A solid singing show overall last night. Country week always goes over well because the songs don’t require much extra energy. You just go out there and belt. For the most part the songs are easy to sing (no big notes for small voices or vice versa), you know the Idols are only choosing well-known songs, so the crowd and the audience at home are always into it. And the fact of the matter is that the primary audience for this show is country music fans. That’s why Carrie Underwood is a franchise, Bo Bice will have a career till he weeds himself to death, and why Kellie Pickler is paid handsomely to look stupid, sound okay, and keep her deliriously fake boobs as high on her chest as she can. Country music sells in this country and Idols are an easy sell to the country music crowd.The irony of the week is that Phil sounded great. Probably the most pitch-perfect male vocal of the night (not that he had much competition other than Blake). Had he done anything to dampen the alien head, I would have put green money down that he’d be safe tonight. But since Chris reached out to the Virginia Tech kids and America loves a penitent man, he’ll be safe. Sanjaya was obviously the worst of the night (everything the judges said about him was true, despite him being so clever), but his crappiness will be overshadowed by the bitchfest between Simon and Ryan. People will keep Sanjaya around just to see more in-fighting between the talent. And as for Blake, well, forget it, it’s Blake! He’s not going anywhere.As for the Mentor of the Week, Martina McBride, watching her I couldn’t get that one Rocky IV quote out of my head. “He doesn’t know it’s an exhibition. He thinks it’s a damn fight.” Could she have been more serious about her role? I thought she gave some fairly sage advice, but was way too humorless about it. She’s dealing with Sanjaya Malakar, the girl has got to lighten up! Maybe her dog died and her boyfriend cheated on her and her pickup truck just broke down and she’s halfway through writing her next hit record and she’s just feeling that pain. Or I’ve watching too many bad country music videos. Either way, she did nothing to endear me to her talent or to her music.But anyway... on to the bloop review.As stated before, I’ve decided to recap the show week-to-week and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the Wednesday night results show.Let’s break it down, bloop bloop style!1. Melinda Doolittle – That’s how an American Idol takes care of business. Vibrant, wildly entertaining, fun, gorgeous, and technically perfect; pick one or all of them, it doesn’t matter because Melinda was all those things and more. She might even have been sexy. I’m not sure, but those hair extensions and the halter top were doing some confusing things to my bathing suit area. I feel like Randy Jackson a bit, because that was hot! I didn’t even look at my remote during that performance.2. Jordin Sparks – I love it when an Idol chooses to sing a song originally done by the mentor of the week, and you can see on the mentor's face how much they hate it. Martina McBride may be a great singer, but she’s a horrible actress. Girl cannot hide the hate. Unfortunately for Martina, Jordin rocks the eff out of the song. Whoever took her backstage and told her to pick it up deserves a large cash reward. Jordin finally looked interested and passionate again. Great song choice, wonderful vocal, she looked beautiful, and the performance itself was poised, controlled, and thoroughly enjoyable to watch. No bloops for Jordin Sparks tonight. If she sings like this for the rest of the competition, Melinda and Blake are gonna have some serious problems.3. Blake Lewis – First things first -- I love the song “When the Stars Go Blue”. I love the Corrs version (with Bono) and I love the original Ryan Adams version I recently found online. Added to that, I’m a huge Blake Lewis fan. So I had high expectations for this performance. They were not entirely met. I didn’t hate it and I didn’t love it. I think he struggled with the editing in the beginning and was only really comfortable when he took the mic off the stand and moved around a little. I liked the chorus (but then again the chorus is so good, even Sanjaya couldn’t fuck it up), but wasn’t loving the intervening verses. However, he looked great, he sounded better than nearly everyone else, the stage itself looked great with all the stars on the floor, and really, he sang one of my favorite songs. He’s not getting anything more than one-bloop for singing “When the Stars Go Blue”, I just wished he had done something more with it.4. Phil Stacey – Alright, who let the alien back onto the stage? If ever there was a way to make me hate country music more, the return of Alien Phil Head would do the trick. Not a good way to begin the Idol week. The genre itself actually does good things for Phil’s voice. All the notes are in a medium register, which means Phil isn’t dipping into his creepy range. He sounds even, on pitch, and exactly like every other male country singer I have ever heard. Which is to say, it was technically okay, but I still felt nothing. The problem for Phil is that the herd has been thinned and he’s the only one that can’t keep up any more. For the vocal, it was merely a one-bloop, but even that upswing in quality won’t be enough to save him. On his best week, he gets the boot. Idol is a cruel, cruel beast. (Oh, and just a note to whomever it was in the audience that had the sign “Hats Off, Phil!” Unless you come from the planet Quarthos, or some other distant race of non-Earthlings, do not ever, EVER (!), encourage Phil to go out in public without a hat. This country has survived enough horrors lately.)5. Chris Richardson – The problem that Chris is facing is that he patently refuses to change his look to suit the genre, and that refusal is probably going to cost him a week or two on the show. Whether he's doing country, Latin, '60s, whatever, he looks the same. And he fidgets like he’s gonna bust out a wicked run, even when the song doesn’t call for it. I need to see him adapt to the song. Right now he’s just too one-note for me. I’ve never wanted to see Justin Timberlake do country, and I doubt anyone else has either; Chris did nothing to change my mind. Boring, fidgety, off-key, dispassionate, and full on double-bloop worthy. He’s definitely bottom three this week. 6. LaKisha Jones – The gumption of this woman, again stealing the thunder of past Idols! I know Carrie Underwood. I’m friends with Carrie Underwood. And LaKisha, you are no Carrie Underwood. LaKisha was pitchy, underwhelming, and the big note wasn’t even that great. I’ve been over this girl for weeks now, and I think the judges are finally agreeing with me. If she stopped trying to ape better singers that we have more affinity for, she might actually develop a voice and personality I could grow to like. An easy double-bloop decision for me.7. Sanjaya Malakar – Another very clever performance by the pet rock. He goes for another water cooler hairdo, and chooses a song everyone knows and likes to sing along to, which means we’ll overlook the now expected limp vocal, and sing along with him instead of hearing how bad he is. He had the sex eyes on full-board predator mode, he did the dancing behind the judges bit, and he strutted across the stage knowing full well he wasn’t going anywhere. Confidence goes a long way on this show, and Sanjaya has it in spades. I’m disappointed that he degraded since last week. I was hoping he might actually become a real contestant and not some showboating publicity hound, but it looks like he’s going to test the waters of his own dubious popularity. Well to that I say: “Welcome to the universe of Triple-Bloop”.Bottom Three: Sanjaya Malakar, Chris Richardson, Phil StaceyMy prediction for who gets the axe: Phil Stacey (Phil Stacey phone home!)

Jason (a.k.a. The Jay) is the head writer for the internet humor site, www.TheJay.com. He can usually be found online, obsessively studying box office returns and IMDB resume pages. Go ahead, try and stump him at "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon", it's not gonna happen. Jason has a BA in Film Studies from UCSB, and currently resides in the luxurious San Fernando Valley.

Grading the American Idol Top 9 On The Tivo Multi-Bloop Scale

The Jay — Wed, 4 Apr 2007 16:59:19 EDT

How do you spell credibility? "T-H-E-J-A-Y". Not only did I nail the ouster last week (smell you later, FrankenSligh), but I also pegged the correct bottom three. I am the unofficial American Idol Kreskin. The Mandalay Bay should hire to me to work their sportsbook and take crazy Idol bets like “will Haley start her performance on the steps” (5-2), “will Melinda put her hand to her mouth to express wonder that she’s receiving a compliment (even)” “How many times will Paula Abdul clap like a seal” (+5 and the points). Aside from correctly predicting that King Kong would tank, this is my proudest prophetic moment.Now to tonight’s show, I thought it was a letdown. I got the feeling nobody was putting that much effort into it. The train kept rolling, shaky singers were shaky, great singers were great, Seacrest was dapper and the judges were as evasive with Sanjaya as ever. Nothing was a surprise. Tony Bennett was a classy choice for a mentor, but didn’t provide nearly as much insight into singing as Lulu or even Gwen Stefani did. This may have something to do with Bennett being roughly 136 years old. The Idols all acted as if he was the Grandfather you don’t want to get close to because he smells like menthol and death. The Idol kids (as well as most of the viewing audience) have no connection with classic American standards. They know the songs because it’s natural to know them, but it means nothing to them (Look at the disparity in how Gina and Tony looked at “Smile”.). Blake looked like was doing a bad karaoke set at Dimples; he sucked for the first time in the competition, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence.I understand that the Idols need to be pushed to sing multiple genres and styles. But it does them (and us) no good if they ALL can’t pull it off. Of course Melinda would own this, she’s a throwback. But was there any doubt that Jordin, Haley, Gina and Sanjaya would trip up? That Chris R was going to do anything but Mraz his way through a sixty year-old tune? That LaKisha would find the one tune that let her belt out the final note and flap her arms faux-Diva style? It was all just too predictable. Go outside the box to test these kids. Have them all do electronica or house or speed metal. Have the guys sing girls songs and the girls sing guys songs. Make Gina sing Shakira and Blake sing Milli Vanilli. Force Melinda to sing Ashlee Simpson and LaKisha sing All-American Rejects. If this is really nothing more than a national karaoke contest, then get these kids drunk and pitch them the hell out of their comfort zone. They’re all coasting by on guile, when they should be fighting tooth and nail with guts and grit. Heck, the only one who’s really fighting this season is Sanjaya. This must change.As stated before, I’ve decided to recap the show week-to-week and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the Wednesday night results show.Let’s break it down, bloop bloop style!1. Melinda Doolittle – I was sitting at my Passover Seder, you know, talking about Moses and not eating bread, and American Idol came up. Tony Bennett is the big time for my Mom and she asked me what I expected to see tonight. The first thing out of my mouth? That I’d give her two-to-one odds Tony adopts Melinda right on the spot. Seriously, like she wasn’t gonna be his star pupil? She’s the like the short, black, no-necked daughter he never had! Liked the hair, dug the dress, agreed with the song choice, was impressed with her attempts at being “jazzy”, and secretly recoiled at all her odd facial ticks. Girlfriend needs to get those under control, lest she fall into prey to a surprise one-bloop. For now though, it’s all good, she’s still the one to beat. (One last thought: is it me or is Melinda kind of developing a “look thoughtful while they tell me how much I kick ass” face? More as this develops.)2. Chris Richardson – So that’s what it looks like to see Justin Timberlake sing a Standard. Huh? Not bad. Not too bad at all. This was the first time I liked Chris R. more than Blake. Warrants mentioning. A thoroughly pleasing no-bloop performance. He will not be in the bottom three this week. Though I’d warn Chris not to look so contradictorily grungy. A pressed vest and shirt with a cool cap looks smooth and GQ, but ripped jeans and Vans make the ensemble look like a reject idea for the fourteenth Mark Wahlberg Details magazine cover. Either dress up all the way, or rock the slacker look whole-heartedly. Halfway class eventually becomes no class at all.3. Jordin Sparks – I’d bet green money that if you had to grade the idols on consistency week–to-week, Jordin would be right at the top of the list. If she had half even the stage or vocal experience of Melinda, this competition would be a walk. I like the comparisons she’s drawing to Kelly Clarkson (young, fun, not cynical about the business). I’m officially considering her the dark horse to sucker punch Mindy Doo off the Season Six throne. No bloops for you Jordin, way to work the precociousness.4. Blake Lewis – I got a bad feeling about this night the second Blake started singing. This particular group of Idols has exactly zero love for music history, and as such, is in no way capable of relating to this style of music. Blake tried his damnedest to keep me interested, but there’s not much he can do. The kid is super-talented, can entertain like gangbusters, but tonight he was a pizzazz-filled one and a half-bloop. Also, and this is not his fault, anytime I hear a Bobby Darin song now, I immediately think of the atrocious Kevin Spacey movie Beyond the Sea, and how far Keyser Soze has fallen. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he was an A-list actor. And like that, his box office was gone…5. Gina Glocksen – The Glock made Tony Bennett tear up! That’s an automatic exemption from the Bottom Three if I’ve ever seen one. I really enjoyed being able to hear a clean vocal from Gina; I was quietly thrilled to see that when she’s not aping Amy Lee she actually has quite a pretty voice. The stillness and the sentimentality worked for her. The hair on the other hand, is a whole other story. What was with the tied-back braid bangs? Yelch! As per the bloopage… a few weeks ago I wrote and directed a ten-minute play that was produced in a one-act show in North Hollywoood. One of the other one-acts used “Smile” as its soundtrack, and I was forced to sit through the snorefest eight freaking times. So despite my enjoyment of The Glock, I had to double-bloop her on principle. I will never get those cumulative eighty minutes of my life back.6. Haley Scarnato – She has got to stop opening her performances on the steps. The whole “starting my set sitting so I can stand up and reveal my legendary gams” gimmick has gotten stale too quick. She was always going to need to back up the awesome body with a matching acceptable voice, and in that regard, she failed tonight. In fact, I’d say she failed on all accounts this week. She inadvertently dogged the importance of Randy and Paula, she threw crazy mad dog looks at Simon after he only spoke about her body (do not throw attitude at Simon, he will unleash a vendetta against you. See Sligh, Chris, for further information), she got a harsh buzz from Tony Bennett, and I was tempted to TRIPLE-bloop her (though Paula was right, Haley looks GOOD in green). I’ve got a bad feeling that the aesthetic quality of American Idol Season Six is about to take a severe downturn. I'd like to give my girl one more week to roll by on looks, but I don't know, I think she may be toast.7. Phil Stacey – Can someone please put some blush on Mr. Klaatu Barakta Niktu? I’ve never been so creeped out by a human being singing an American standard. Even though the song was right in his wheelhouse, I had trouble taking him seriously. How can you not focus on how otherworldly he looks? Call it a double-bloop for the look, but a surprise one-bloop for the vocal. Also, someone needs to up Paula’s Klonopin dosage. Ain’t no way Phil Stacey resembles a young Frank Sinatra. Maybe a young alien Hugh Jackman in The Fountain, but definitely not a Junior Chairman of the Board.8. LaKisha Jones – And thus begins the downfall of LaKisha. She looked pretty good, yes, but she was off-key, pitchy, boring and far too dependent on the big notes to coast her through the rough small ones. I hate that the judges are conspiring to keep her around by not slamming her full board. They have to know she’s not as good as they’re making her out to be. The beeyotch vibe was in full effect tonight; I hated this performance. Triple-bloops all the way.9. Sanjaya Malakar – “Welcome to the universe of Sanjaya”. I think I might have turned a corner on this kid. He still sucks, don’t get me wrong. His white suit and slicked back hair made him look like the worst kind of dinner waiter. Simon hates the kid so much he’s trying some reverse juju on him. Even Randy (!) admits he sucks huge donkey balls. But the kid’s got confidence to burn, and I have to show some respect. He’s gone from a timid young boy who can’t sing, to a “fuck you if you can’t take a joke” boy who still can’t sing, but at least he might drop an F–bomb or two. It’s a welcome transition. If I absolutely have to watch him every week (when I’m not triple-blooping him, natch), at least I get to see him spar with Simon. I say bring the trainwreck back!Bottom Three: Gina Glocksen, LaKisha Jones, Haley Scarnato My prediction for who gets the axe this week: “Legs” Scarnato (boo!)The Jay’s Prediction Record So Far: 2 for 3 (66%)

Grading the American Idol Top 10 On The Tivo Multi-Bloop Scale

The Jay — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 18:17:36 EDT

American Idol gave me exactly what I deserved. I railed against them for bringing in mentors that today’s viewers (and the Idols) could not relate to. So what do the Idol producers do? They give me Gwen Stefani Week, and not surprisingly ('cause my karma is for “S” -- I could be Earl’s stand-in, truly), the show was decidedly awful. The palette of songs to choose from is probably the culprit here. Seacrest claimed the Idols were singing either No Doubt songs, songs from the '90s, or songs that inspired Gwen. O… kay. So you brought Gwen on to rope the moderns but don’t require the Idols to only sing No Doubt or Gwen-solo songs? Why bother then? I wanna hear Haley try to gam her way through “Spiderwebs”. Or LaKisha bring it big on “Ex-Boyfriend”. “New” would have been a perfect choice for beat boxer Blake. And I would have paid green cash money to hear Sanjaya sing “Just A Girl”, even with the hair-saster.The show had no rhyme, reason, or rhythm. Songs came from out of nowhere, and the performances reflected that lack of connection. I never got a sense that the songs really mattered this week, which is surprising considering Idol shilled out for a hit-making superduperstar to mentor them in the ways of pop success. And on the Gwen Stefani tip, she was cute as hell, but seemed to be in way over her head. Her tips to the Idols were limited to “watch out for the melody” (Lulu was better at this), she rarely had a good word to say (other than for Melinda, natch), and she’s a terrible actress, because it was beyond obvious when she hated someone (Chris Sligh). Furthermore, how can someone so successful be so “deer in the headlights” just because she’s pulling studio time with Sanjaya? Is he that detrimental to the health of modern music? Should Gavin Rossdale put on his machinehead and destroy the kid? Can we get Sanjaya a time machine to 1996 so he can wander into Orange County and kill the evil ska trend before it gets invasive and nearly deafens a nation of grunge recovery victims?I thought the show needed an injection of 2007, but I was wrong. Maybe Idol is better off staying an old-school karaoke contest, than it is trying to artificially paint some Top 40 on kids who aren’t ready yet (and those who never will be).As stated before, I’ve decided to recap the show week-to-week and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the Wednesday night results show.Let’s break it down, bloop bloop style!1. Melinda Doolittle – When they opened with the wide shot of the lights going crazy and Mindy waving her hands in the air, I knew there was no chance she was getting the bloop tonight. Match that awesomeness with the kickin' flippy bob, the daring six-inch heels and the under-the-boobs beltage, and this was a package I would mail first class with insurance. No plebian ground delivery for this girl. She rocked, as per usual. And I -- and the nation -- loved it, as per double usual. Gwen was right, who needs luck when you got the Doolittle? And let me add how scary this performance must have been for the rest of the Idol-wannabes. The only hope they had was that Melinda would falter on the up-tempo songs, but as she proved tonight, that ain’t happening. It’s scary how over this contest already is and there’s still eight more weeks to go.2. Gina Glocksen – A calculated song choice error on Gina’s part. She cannot go up against Melinda and LaKisha with a ballad. She needs to toe the rocker line and get through the herd thinning with as little collision as possible. Gina does not do stand-still singing well. The arm movement was clumsy, she seemed stiff and unsure of her talent and I was not a fan of the haircut. I like her a lot, I like her voice, but I would not advise her going down this route for too much longer. A half bloop at best.3. Chris Richardson – I grew up listening to the radio in the Valley, which for a period of time in the mid-'90s could have been called No Doubt FM, so I’ve been over “Don’t Speak” about fifteen different times. But I knew if it was No Doubt night someone had to sing “Don’t Speak”, and I was pleasantly surprised to find it was Chris R (when Gina was the obvious choice). I was even more surprised to find I really enjoyed it. This should have been a double bloop purely on principle, but I upgraded to a one bloop because I dug the R & B twinge, the ornamentation, the passion and the fact that he didn’t have the damn Hindu dot on his forehead like a certain platinum mentor who looked stupid when the song first broke and who will remain nameless (Gwen!). I think he botched the words near the end, and he didn’t have nearly as big a finish as the anchor spot requires, but that’s secondary to how flat-out nice it was to hear him sing this song and not want to gouge my ears out with a dooce-stained Q tip. I will never forgive KROQ for slobbing on the No Doubt knob so voraciously. (And they don’t even play her new music, fucking hypocrites! Go spin the new Panic song again, asses). 4. Blake Lewis – Is Blake a Cylon now? Is he hearing “All Along The Watchtower” in his dressing room? Because I’ve never seen him so boring, dreary or stalkerish (check the eyes, they had “giggity giggity” written all over them). The only explanation for this lapse was that he was too busy watching the BSG finale to put his usual spin on things. I don’t dig Blake bringing it tender. And I really don’t like him saying he’s covering The Cure when he so obviously sang the 311 version from the Sandler-in-Hawaii flick. That’s twice with the substandard '90s crap rock band. Let it go Blake. You go or we go. Double bloop this unfortunate Blake bullshit.5. Haley Scarnato – I see someone got the “your gams are great” memo, 'cause Haley unleashed them on a sick world and instantly healed the populace. Her kaBAM was so good it’s almost an afterthought that her voice was so thin and pitchy (not to mention she nailed exactly zero of the big applause notes). For those who are watching the show for reasons that have nothing to do with the singing, you can put your TiVmote down. For those who are purists, you might be dipping into double-bloop territory. Good thing I’m of the former group. Idol needs her for the eye candy so she’s not going anywhere, despite having the second worst voice on the show (hi there Sanjaya, we’ll deal with you and your epic vertical follicle trainwreck in just a minute).6. Phil Stacey – I see the aliens took the Phil Cylon back to the baseship and replaced him with an upgraded model -- one that doesn’t suck so terribly, and has heightened suck up powers. I want to triple bloop his obnoxious audience pandering arm movement and head bops, but his voice only merits a bloop and a half. Though I did notice that the background singers stepped all over him and sounded off-key. They took away from the great mid-section of the performance and completely ruined the close. But factor in the hat, the decreased alien-ness, the “everyone loves this song so much you get points just for reminding us how much it rocks” angle, and sympathy vote for the regrettable background ornamentation mishap, and it all spells a chance for Phil to finally break out of his weekly bottom three purgatory.7. LaKisha Jones – One bloop for the dress she sported that looked like the downside of a melted pack of Original Fruit Skittles; one bloop and a half for her tired vocal. Is it me, or did she seem out of breath for most of the middle of the song? Finally smiling rid her of most of the “bitch” vibe, and I liked the up-tempo song, but she still didn’t do enough to get me to consider buying a ticket on her bandwagon. A good first step, though.8. Jordin Sparks – A disaster of near Malakar-ian proportions. Bad song choice (the vocal was way too low in the opening verse), horrible wardrobe choice (that skirt wasn’t just doing nothing for her, it was running all over town messing up her credit), and frustrating tempo (either speed it the hell up in true No Doubt style, or flip the script and go super slow in true Blake Lewis style, but don’t wish wash the speed). I hated hated HATED this performance. Double bloop. And she’s lucky I like her or it would be worse.9. Chris Sligh – Aside from him being a total fucking abominable monster of arrogance and prickitude, I dig the guy. But his performance tonight sounded like Pee Wee Herman doing an above average Sting imitation. (How scary is the thought of Paul Ruebens mastering tantra? He’d be a pervert force of nature.) A forceful double-bloop for the Sligh Creature From the Idol Lagoon. When even the performer admits he botched the job, I can’t abide by anything less. I guess I was wrong about him turning a corner last week. I could very easily see him hitting the bricks tonight.10. Sanjaya Malakar – He’s an automatic triple bloop, let’s get that out of the way. Now, to the performance… WHAT? THE? FUCK? IS? WITH? THE? HAIR? It made him look like the soulless villain in a late '80s Jean Claude Van Damme movie (and not Bloodsport). He forgot the words like Gwen said he would, he was timid and quiet even when he was on point and again, the hair? Really? REALLY? Gwen should have sacked the Harijuku Girls on this poor child. Randy and Paula are right, the only chance this kid has is to go balls out every time and appall the viewers so much that they have to vote for him out of sheer shock that someone had the balls to be so humiliating on purpose. He’s like a cast member of The Office wandered out of the Scranton branch and somehow made their way into CBS Television City.Bottom Three: FrankenSligh, Haley Scarnato, Phil StaceyMy prediction for who gets the axe this week: FrankenSligh

Grading the American Idol Top 11 On The Tivo Multi-Bloop Scale

The Jay — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 07:38:22 EDT

The Top 11 came correct this week; from top to bottom one of the most solid shows, performance-wise, in as long as I can remember. The quality of the show was a direct result of the theme of the week. British Invasion/The '60s opened up a broader, more fun palette of songs for the contestants to choose from, songs they know and love, and that familiarity and passion made the performances bring out the best in all the Idol hopefuls (Sanjaya excluded, of course). Big props to Peter Noone and Lulu, two singers I wasn’t familiar with and was ready to completely discount; they were great teachers, knew the show and what the singers needed to do grab the attention of the viewers, were extremely knowledgeable about all the chosen songs and were, most of all, fun to watch. Regardless of their relevance (ahem, Diana), they were perfect artists to headline this week on Idol.As stated before, I’ve decided to recap the show week-to-week and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the Wednesday night results show.Let’s break it down, bloop bloop style!1. Chris Sligh – Now that’s the Chris Sligh I’ve been missing! No bloops whatsoever for the Slighster this week. I dug the walk through the crowd, the mic stand transportation, the return of the glasses (peace out, creepy eyes!), and the perfect song choice. I wanted to hear more of the song and I was inclined to hit up iTunes to hear the OG version (but instead I just reverse-blooped and watched the perf again-- love that TiVo!). A major step up from the monstrosity he became in the last few weeks, when all is said and done, this may be considered the turning point for Sligh as an American Idol True Contender.2. Melinda Dolittle – I was tempted to one-bloop during the opening notes, but then I punched myself in the head and remembered it’s the Dolittle, she’s gonna get the job done. And she did. The vocal, taken as a whole, was spot on, crisp and gripping. She delivers the chills every time she puts her lips to the mic. I love the voice, the look and the personality. And I might add, girl looked GOOD in that bob do. Haley better watch out…3. Blake Lewis – A great ornamentation, smooth melody, solid mixture of beat boxing and straight singing and a cool, controlled and confident vocal earns Blake a bloop-free performance that may have vaulted him to the top tier of contestants. The judges love him, the audience loves him, he brings a unique sound to the competition, and he even got Seacrest to dance! What can’t he do? In my book, this is Melinda and Blake’s show to lose.4. Jordin Sparks – All female singers on Idol this season must be compared against the level set by the reigning contender, that being Melinda Dolittle and her automatic non-bloop status. On this night, Jordin took a big swing at knocking down the Dolittle. I was tempted to one-bloop to stop the suicidal thoughts in my head, but however dreadful the lyrics may have been, it would have meant denying my ears the kick ass voice of Jordin Sparks. And that’s something I cannot do. For me, it’s Melinda first, Blake second, and Jordin crashing hard into third.5. Haley Scarnato – That was a “drop the TiVo, lock the door and have some private time with Idol performance” straight out of the Kat McPhee playbook. Haley was smart enough to know that to stay in this competition she needs to highlight the fact that she’s the hottest girl on the show. So she brought out the gams, left the bra in the dressing room and shook her goods straight into the land of Safetown. Simon was completely on point in describing the singing as screechy at points, but really, what does it matter? She’s our Official Season Six Eye Candy, and my TiVmote is getting a rest every time she’s on stage.6. Gina Glocksen – She gets automatic double bloop exemption for her kick ass rocker do, well played leather pants and insertion of the Stones into little old, square American Idol. But taking that all into account, she still can’t avoid a one bloop. Every time she stalked the stage she lost her breath. She had problems pulling the mic off the mic stand and the hair was distracting as all get out. I liked the “let it go and wail” parts, but the restrained chorus was tough to sit through. The rocker role will take her through the bottom rounds but she needs to refine her vocals if she wants to break out of the middle of the pack.7. Chris Richardson – He was in the unfortunate position of singing directly after the Haley Scarnato Hottie Tornado, so he suffered a reverse double-bloop back to Scarnato’s toned legs and exposed back, then a mild one-bloop through his saccharine ballad. He sang it well and looked snap collar perfect, but he just does nothing for me. He’s the male Haley for all the lady viewers. And he’ll definitely be back next week. But hopefully he’ll go back to his signature fast-pace performances, as I’d like to not bloop through him again for a few rounds.8. Lakisha Jones – When she unleashes the Big Voice she’s bloop free, but when she has to talk through a verse or deal with a slow chorus I can’t hit the bloop button fast enough. She’s safe this week, but if she dropped this type of performance near the end of the season she’d be getting the boot. Plus, if you’re gonna do a Bond theme, why would you not do "Live and Let Die"? Lakisha by way of GnR and The Beatles is a Lakisha I wanna see.9. Phil Stacey – Phil in that white button down shirt was something out of a THX-1138 deleted scene. Or out of a rerun of Stargate: Atlantis. He has got to start mitigating the bald alien factor. Based on looks alone, he’s a two bloop guy every time. But judged on the voice he’s merely an intermittent one bloop. I love the big notes, yet I involuntarily twitch at the falsetto ones. He’ll be in the bottom three again, but for this week he’ll be okay. But dude, Phil, do NOT wear white again. I thought I was watching one of those bad X-Files episodes where the Duchovny was M.I.A. and Scully had to grin and bear it through another week of oak-acting Robert Patrick.10. Stephanie Edwards – Stiff as a board + Dull/Beyonce voice, again? = the night’s first double bloop performance. Tactical error on Stephanie’s part, I think. She’ll never out-sing Melinda or Lakisha so slow, big vocal songs aren’t the way to go. She needs to be eclectic with her song choice and really dig her heels into a persona that no one else on the show is occupying. And she needs to find it fast because I’ve double blooped her for two straight weeks and have no intention of slowing down if she survives. I gotta feeling I won’t have to worry about it.11. Sanjaya Malakar – I have to accept that as much as I triple the kid into oblivion, Sanjaya is the Scott Savol of season six, and as such, is going to be around for a while (after all, he made a little blonde girl cry Beatle-esque tears of joy. And little girls pick the winners on this show). But please God, someone please crush some singing pills into this kid’s Diet Coke. He yelled and screeched his way through a performance that would have gotten him laughed off the karaoke stage at his own birthday. It had energy and passion, I guess, but it was a full frontal assault on the ears. Good thing for me, my triple bloop meant I avoided any lasting trauma.Bottom Three: Phil, Stephanie, and SanjayaMy prediction for who gets the axe this week: Stephanie Edwards

TV Review: Grading The American Idol Top 12 On The Tivo Multi-Bloop Scale

The Jay — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 07:20:26 EDT

The real game finally begins, as the American Idol Top 12 hit the big stage and tried to convince the country that we care at all about Diana Ross. Early grade: we don’t. I’ve decided to recap the show week-to-week and grade the singers on a sliding scale of how much I wanted to, or did, TiVo-bloop through the song. At the end of each recap I’ll make my pick for who should (and hopefully will) get the axe on the Wednesday night results show. Let’s break it down, bloop bloop style!1. Melinda Doolittle – Full on no bloop, put the phone on vibrate, close the iBook, drop the fork performance. I’m right with Simon who felt the song itself was dreadful, but the performance was dynamite. I dig her power, her control, and her look. And I’m only 8% put off by her horse teeth. She’s an effervescent performer, utterly absorbing to watch. This is definitely her competition to lose.2. Blake Lewis – The smartest performance of the night. Blake knows he has a smaller voice than most of the other singers, so he pushes his strong suit of showmanship and arrangement. The music was kickin', I didn’t care that the vocal was small and quiet, and the moves were right on. I was thinking it would be a locked up one bloop for Blake when I heard it was a Diana Ross night, but he pulled through. I put the TiVmote on the coffee table for this one.3. Haley Scarnato – One bloop it so you can avoid the singing, but still take an extended opportunity to leer at the hotness of Haley. Girl brought it fly last night. I picked her as one of my horses, and though I don’t think she’ll get by on her voice (it’s thinner than Sanjaya’s flat ironed hair), she is easily the hottest, most camera-friendly contestant. And as Katharine McPhee will attest, kittenish good looks and a suspect voice will take you very far in a resoundingly LA-fivish finalist pool. Put it to you this way, Stephanie, Gina, and Sanjaya the boychick all have better voices than Haley, but push come to shove, who would you rather watch week in and week out? Exactly.4. Chris Sligh – A surprise bloop and a half for the de-spectacled Sideshow Chris. I’m always nervous when people known for wearing glasses try to fly sans specs, and Chris did nothing to help that concern. Kid’s got a slight case of the creepy eyes. Simon was right; he needs to wear the glasses. As far as the performance, I kind of enjoyed the Coldplay "Clocks" arrangement, but for the most part I was bored. He’s a savvy player, but it won’t be enough once the herd is thinned. After the audition round I had him pegged as a Top fiver for sure. Now I don’t see him beating any of the three divas, or Blake and Chris R.5. Jordin Sparks – Bloop through the beginning, let it play for the middle and strongly consider one-blooping through the end. But I still love the kid; she has an energy and attitude that is unique to this season. Though she was damn boring last night. She’s a Top Three female, but I wanna see at least two or three non-bloop perfs before I’m completely sold.6. Gina Glocksen – Let it sit for the start, catch the drift, then double bloop right to the judge’s comments. She’s cool enough, I guess. I like that she’s the only traditional “rocker” of the season, and that she finally embraced the image. (After all, she is sporting an Amy Lee goth-lite visage. What did she expect from us? Girl needs to talk to Avril about image misconception, as both of them are genre liars.) With Gina all you need to hear is a few bars before you get your fill. I give her three weeks before the Divas consume her whole during a commercial break.7. Chris Richardson – One bloop for the ladies, two bloops for the dudes. I’m always a fan of the people who get off the stage and work the crowd, but I wish Chris’s walk on the audience side had been in service of a song or performance I care about. It doesn’t matter though because as B-minus as I’ve thought he’s been the last few weeks (way to make me remember how obnoxious I find Jason Mraz), he’s a virtual JT Version 2.0 (now with less talent and more practiced stubble!). The girls drive the wagon train on this show, so get the Chris Richardson bloop train ready. It’s going to be running for quite some time.8. Brandon Rogers – Dub bloops for the remainder of his run, however short. Unlike Melinda, Brandon steadfastly refuses to break away from the back-up mic mark. He’s too quiet, too shy, too quick to distract us from his lack of charisma with a beatific smile, and far too short on as Randy likes to say, the “Yo!” factor. I get the voice, I’m not a fan, and until further notice, I don’t care to see if it gets any better.9. Lakisha Jones – I’m in the minority on this, but double bloop Lakisha and don’t worry so much on when you stop the FF. Was it me or did she seem bored up there? And very negative? I get a bitch vibe from her, and I’m not bowled over by her voice. Just because you can belt doesn’t mean you can dog the staging or the look. And I’m still put off by her presumptuous “And I’m Telling You” perf five days before Jennifer Hudson stuck Idol with a “suck it” needle and nabbed herself an Oscar. Just something I don’t like here. I prefer my divas with a nervous smile, Doolittle-style, thank you very much.10. Phil Stacey – Let the trip bloops begin! He has a great, powerful voice on the big notes, and an utterly abysmal voice on everything else. He can’t begin a song, he can’t do the falsetto, and he has problems with any run that doesn’t include an arms-out Scott Stapp-like note. And this is all before we even begin discussing the alien head. If I wanted to watch a freaky bald singer, I’d cue up Britney’s "Toxic" video on YouTube. I don’t want to look at Phil, and I only want to hear about 1/14th of his voice. The mothership can take him back, for all I care.11. Stephanie Edwards – A double bloop that moves to a snooooore, causing an accidental third bloop that you don’t regret when you wake back up. She’s in the back of the diva pack vocally, in front of only Lakisha in the looks department, and I’ve never been able to get through even one of her songs without spraining an ankle diving for my TiVo remote (even Sanjaya kept me interested a few times, though that’s mostly due to him being a train wreck), or rolling my eyes and going back to my latest issue of Entertainment Weekly (memo to editors: Stephen King is not funny; stop encouraging him.). As Ivan Drago might say, if she’s booted, she’s booted.12. Sanjaya Malakar – A full-on, trip bloop, throw the TiVo remote in disgust, muse about what Sundance might have been, consider flaming Justin Guarini on a chat board because Sanjaya went there follicly, groan that the Idol producers couldn’t change the rules and allow Sabrina Sloan in as a seventh girl, check on Sanjaya’s nicely-racked sister’s MySpace page and finally hit play in time to hear the judges rip this kid bitch to shreds. He has got to go. I’d listen to the entirety of Taylor Hicks’s CD before I'd willingly non-bloop a Sanjaya song. His voice is small, shy, effeminate in a bad way, karaoke in a 'makes karaoke look wretched' kind of way, and just plain boring. His hair dragged him into the Finals. Phil Stacey should seriously consider waiting until Sanjaya cries himself to sleep after an especially salty episode of The Hills, and then whipping out his dome buzzer and Mr. Cleaning the poor boy’s noggin. Maybe a bald Sanjaya would finally snap the teenybopper girls back to reality and boot the kid the hell off my favorite show. My prediction for who gets the axe this week: Phil Stacey (phone home...).Triple bloop, don’t fail me now!

Just How Bland Is Orlando Bloom, Really?

The Jay — Tue, 1 Aug 2006 16:11:18 EDT

I finally got around to seeing the new Pirates of the Caribbean flick, and while I didn’t love it (unbelievable special effects, unbelievably annoying script), I found myself inexplicable intrigued by one facet of the movie: Orlando Bloom’s complete and utter blandness. Over the course of a butt-killing two and a half hours, I watched him swordfight, romance Keira Knightley, jump around, do some swimming, be dramatic, play some dice and generally be swashbuckling, yet at no time during the entire proceeding was I riveted by his performance. Don’t get me wrong -- I’m not saying he’s a bad actor. He hits all his marks, he commits to the role, he says his lines well, he’s not ugly, but there’s just no spark in him. I mean, he’s dashing and all. He’s dashing. But wouldn’t it have been more interesting if that part was played by say… Ewan McGregor? Or Ryan Gosling? Wouldn’t you have rather seen Captain Jack Sparrow tangle with Obi-Wan Kenobi?Think back through Orlando’s small cinematic resume, and you’ll find that he fades into the background of pretty much every movie he makes. Sure he was cool as Legolas in Fellowship of the Ring, but other than the awesome way he mounted his dewback-like creature in The Two Towers, there was absolutely nothing interesting about him in the final two movies. He was relegated to a bit part, supporting player even though he was IN the freaking Fellowship. In Troy, you’re watching Brad Pitt and Eric Bana be all sorts of bad asses, and Brian Cox is delivering those classic one-liners (“…then every son of Troy shall diiiiiie!!), but what’s Orlando doing? Boning that blond chick? Standing around looking wussy? I would have preferred Vincent Chase. Moving on, Orlando was flat out paint-dryingly boring in Elizabethtown, completely harmless and ineffective in Kingdom of Heaven, and blown off the screen by a fey, rococo Johnny Depp in Pirates.There's not moment watching Orlando Bloom act when I thought, “Man, that guy’s got charisma. I just can’t take my eyes off of him." What I do remember every time I finish an Orlando flick, however, is asking: “Was Orlando Bloom in that movie? I can’t remember". So just how bland is Orlando Bloom, really? Blander than brown rice? Blander than Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House? Blander than the color beige? I tried to put his blandness into words, but found myself uncharacteristically speechless. I tried to compare him to more charismatic actors, but that doesn’t seem fair to the other actors. So in need of a way to properly chart Orlando’s total bland-osity, I created the first ever Pop Culture Scale of Bland. And just like Pirates 2 is storming the box office record books, good 'ole Legolas stormed the Bland chart. Let’s see how it all came together.So according to the remarkably accurate Pop Culture Scale of Bland, Orlando Bloom is far blander than Tobey Maguire and vanilla ice cream, just a bit blander than a head of lettuce, and exactly as bland as white bread and the entire CBS programming schedule. That seems about right. Another of life’s most important questions solved here at Blog Critics. It’s all in a day’s work.

Satire: A Press Release From Anne Hathaway's Breasts

The Jay — Mon, 17 Jul 2006 17:31:08 EDT

ANNE HATHAWAY'S BREASTS SIGN DEVELOPMENT DEALFOR IMMEDIATE RELEASELOS ANGELES, CA – Paramount Pictures, a subsidiary of Viacom Inc., announced today that Anne Hathaway’s breasts, collectively known as “The Hathaway Twins,” have signed a three-picture first-look development deal. The Hathaway Twins, individually credited as Princess Lefty McGee and Jenny Moon-Unit Zappa, are the stars of the currently released fashion pic, The Devil Wears Prada. They recently signed with super-agent Ari Emmanuel of Endeavor for representation in all areas.Fresh off a star-making performance in the Academy Award-winning drama Brokeback Mountain, The Hathaway Twins have seen their popularity explode almost overnight, culminating in their lucrative development deal. Their revealing performance wowed critics and audiences alike and started an intense bidding war amongst the major studios. The spring release of their much delayed debut film, the spicy teen drama Havoc, brought them instant Internet credibility and a fan base loyal enough to compete with any other star in today’s market. The decision to break away from actress Anne Hathaway and start their own career was risky, but their deal with Paramount cements their place in the industry and positions them well for higher visibility projects. Upcoming roles prove The Hathaway Twins are a diverse, wide-ranging talent whose future in the industry looks bright.Upcoming projects include:Signed as the September cover model for Maxim Magazine. Hugh Hefner said to be personally offended that the Twins rejected his offer to pose for Playboy.As a favor to The Devil Wears Prada co-star Adrian Grenier, The Hathaway Twins will guest star on the next episode of Entourage, playing the first-act love interest of rising start Vincent Chase. They also share the screen with series scene stealer Jeremy Piven, who sources say personally requested that he be able to “hug it out” with his vivacious co-stars.In discussions to be the Winter Catalog Spokesperson for Victoria’s Secret.Will host the 2006 Cable Ace Awards.The Hathaway Twins are actively pursuing projects for their newly finalized deal, and rumors persist that the first film out of the gate will be a big-budget remake of the camp classic Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. Beyond the potential remake, the Twins look to return to their dramatic roots and are in discussions with director Curtis Hanson about an historical epic.Brokeback Mountain co-star Jake Gyllenhaal had this to say about talents of The Hathaway Twins: “They were terrific to work with. Just terrific. When you have performers of that caliber working with you, it just makes your job that much easier. To be honest, the biggest challenge for me on Brokeback wasn’t exploring a forbidden love with Heath or our sex scene together, it was my scene with The Hathaway Twins in the car after the rodeo. They were so fierce and so determined, I was blown away. When I think back on my experiences making that movie, the Twins are what I remember the most. Late at night. When I do my thinking and such.”Exact details of the deal are confidential. However, one crucial element of the deal has been released, a so-called “Breast Indemnity Clause.” Supposedly created in response to the death of the Lindsay's Lohans deal, The Hathaway Twins are required to maintain strict size and weight requirements in order to satisfy the terms of the contract. Should the Twins fall prey to the Lindsay Lohan magical rack disappearing phenomenon, they will have thirty days to make weight. If the weight is not met, the deal becomes null and void. A similar rack incentive plan is being considered for Scarlet Johansson’s Breasts’ potential four-picture deal at 20th Century Fox.The Hathaway Twins were the true stars of the red-carpet premiere of The Devil Wears Prada. Star Anne Hathaway dazzled the tabloids with a story about The Hathaway Twins’ experiences on the set with co-star Stanley Tucci: "There was this one day where he kept elbowing me in the breast. He wasn't doing it to be like a dirty old man, but if we were doing a scene, or I was just crossing to get to my mark (on the set), he would just smack me in my boob and elbow me. "If you're a girl, you know that hurts. So, after about the fourth time, I finally turned to him and said, 'Stanley can you please stay away from my tits?' "Stanley got really flustered and he said, 'What do you expect, you're flinging those melons around like it's harvest season!'" With a hot film due out soon, a new development deal with Paramount Pictures, and an exciting slate of projects in the future, Hollywood insiders are hopeful that The Hathaway Twins could become as big as Angelina’s Jolie's, and as profitable as Lindsay’s Lohan's. Career Highlights:In the fall, People Magazine will list The Hathaway Twins as two of the “50 Most Beautiful People in the World”.Have been insured by Lloyd’s of London for $6.2 million apiece.In Disney’s Ella Enchanted, were the first breasts filmed in Bullet Time.Was the breast double for Scarlett Johansson in A Love Song For Bobby Long.Did all their own stunts in Havoc.About Paramount Pictures: Paramount Pictures is part of the entertainment operations of Viacom, Inc., one of the world's largest entertainment and media companies and a leader in the production, promotion, and distribution of entertainment, news, sports, and music.Since arriving on the scene in 2001, The Hathaway Twins have been downloaded more than 34 million times, making them the most downloaded rack since Katie Holmes’ KatieBots in The Gift. For more information on The Hathaway Twins, please contact Ari Emmanuel of the Endeavor Agency.

Ten Sequels I Would Love To See

The Jay — Thu, 29 Jun 2006 16:34:48 EDT

I love me some sequels. I love them when they’re done well; I love them when they’re cheesy. Heck, I even love them when they’re downright sacrilegious. There’s just something about the idea of “getting the band back together” that makes me smile. Sometimes it’s because I know the entire cast hates each other, but they all need a hit. Sometimes it’s because I know they all got paid a truckload of money.(Money sequels make for great drinking games. For example, in Scary Movie 4, drink every time Anna Faris looks like she wants to kill her agent for convincing her to sign up for a THIRD sequel to this crappy movie franchise. That girl was in Brokeback Mountain. She deserves better.) And sometimes, it’s because the cast and crew had such a good time making the original movie that they wanted to do it all again. These are my favorite sequels to watch because the joy is written all over everyone’s faces. Let’s face it, most stars look bored on screen. They get that look in their eyes whenever it’s not their coverage, that look that says “Wait, do I get paid tomorrow? I’m gonna buy me some DVD’s. Or a hooker.” But when actors look like they’re having fun, it makes you have fun. Ocean’s Twelve may have sucked great big donkey balls, but you have to admit, it was kind of cool seeing everyone try to hide their smiles. And avoid Catherine Zeta-Jones (Could there have been any more love loss between Clooney and CZJ? That Intolerable Cruelty set must have been some picnic). So with my big fat love for all things sequel, color me thrilled to find that most every studio is now licensing out their successful brands to make cheap Direct-To-DVD sequels. Yeah, it’s a little bit like whoring out your own children. And yeah, it kind of takes a great piece of entertainment and cheapens its legacy, but look on the bright side, at least it keeps the Eddie Furlong’s and C. Thomas Howell's of the world off the streets. What would you rather have, a boring, run of the mill life where we never get to see the further adventures of Beethoven the Dog or Air Bud, or would you like to have a life filled with three American Pie sequels and nine Police Academy movies? Yeah, that’s what I thought.Now I’ll agree, not all cheap movie sequels are a good idea. The Sandlot 2 was like a celluloid vise, squeezing the joy of my childhood out of me. And watching The Cutting Edge 2 was like taking a razor to my man parts and then driving over a pothole, you just take your chances that your junk won’t end up too badly injured. (Toe pick!). But I actually enjoyed parts of the Crow sequels, I loved Bring It On Again, and I have a soft spot in my heart for Species 3, if only because I was an extra on that movie. Also, all the kick ass Sunny Mabrey nudity (NSFW) (By the way, she is crazy hot in person and dumb as rocks to boot. If she doesn’t become the next Heather Graham, then Hollywood and her agent have failed her.). And it seems as if the rest of the world is finally catching up to my love for gratuitous, crappy sequels. I ran across this website the other day: DVDSequels. It’s pretty much required of me to love any website whose main pieces of content are advertisements for Hollow Man 2 and Bring It On 3. I mean if you can’t love Christian Slater calling sloppy seconds on a bad Kevin Bacon movie, then what can you love? While you’re taking a quick look at that site let me put a few quick sequel rumors to bed. Back to the Future 4 is NOT happening. Michael J. Fox has gone on record saying he won’t do it. The Butterfly Effect 2 will not have Ashton in it. Matthew Broderick is stupidly refusing to return for Wargames 2 (How awesome is that going to be? Putting that movie out today is the biggest no-brainer since Spider-Man 3). And as much as I would love to see it, Patrick Swayze is not even cameo-ing in Roadhouse 2.But all that is OK by me. I actually enjoy seeing different actors take the reins from the original (better) stars. How much fun was it to see Mila Kunis from That 70s Show try to approximate Christian Bale in American Psycho 2? It was hilarious. And if you haven’t seen Jay Hernandez try to channel Al Pacino in Carlito’s Way 2, then gosh, I just feel sorry for you. That was like two hours of perfect unintentional comedy. Seeing the list of upcoming DVD sequels got me thinking about the movies I’d really love to see sequelized. If they can make a sequel to Wrong Turn, unequivocally the worst horror movie in a decade -- and yes, I’m counting Hostel -- then why couldn’t they make a sequel to say… Hackers. Or Gone in 60 Seconds? Or even the Jennifer Lopez's new classic spousal abuse drama Enough? OK, forget the J. Lo sequel, that one’s never going to happen. But it still makes you think. If they can make a sequel to the frickin Sandlot, then Hollywood can (and will) do anything.Here is a list of ten sequels I’d like to see. And if I was in charge, what they’d be about:Top Gun 2: Maverick’s Gone CrazyAfter ten years of calm, blissful, completely non-psychotic marriage, Maverick (Tom Cruise) inexplicably dumps Charlie. (Because Kelly McGillis is a man!) He flirts with the idea of spending some quiet time with Ice Man, but ultimately shacks up with a young naval pilot who had showed a lot of promise in the academy. They start dating and things go wrong. What at first appeared to be Maverick just having an off day turns into something much worse. He starts laying missiles into mountains, doing fly-bys over major airports, and engaging commuter planes likes they’re bogies. Basically, Maverick’s Gone Crazy. Meanwhile, the new girlfriend (code name Joey) starts losing all her talent. She can’t fly, she can’t learn, and only in the presence of Maverick can she speak. In the end, Maverick hijacks an experimental B3 bomber, makes Joey his wingman, and they take on the entire Iraqi airforce, killing many evildoers, before ultimately getting shot down over enemy airspace. Nearing death and fearing capture, Maverick pushes a hidden button on his jumpsuit and a secret group of protectors helicopter in and save the crazy couple. They are airlifted to the group’s secret hiding place (located in Hollywood, off of Franklin and Vermont), and are last seen teaching Joey to be quiet during the upcoming birth of what will inevitably be a psychiatrist’s wet dream. Could there be a little Maverick on the way? Find out in Top Gun 3: Maverick’s New (Silent) Wingman!Swingers 2: Mikey F’s Up Another RelationshipMikey just can’t seem to get it right. He screwed up with that hottie from Starbucks and eventually even ruined his relationship with hottie Heather Graham. He just can’t get a break. Meanwhile, Trent is swinging from the rafters after pulling down the supreme beautiful baby, a big-time Hollywood actress who recently divorced a heartthrob. In between bouts of Xbox Madden 2006 and trips to Sky Bar, the Swingers boys again try to navigate the trials and tribulations of the LA dating scene. Ultimately Mikey does find a new girl (played by the luminescent Rachel McAdams, in what can only be described as a charity role), and they begin a cute little relationship. He ruins it again, however, when he obsessively sends messages and comments to her MySpace page. She ends it, and we fade out as Mike tries picking up whores over the internet; a bittersweet, yet realistic take on love in Los Angeles. Eight More Days A WeekKeri Russell is back as the object of every geek’s lust. In this less-charming sequel to the classic original, a new geek (played by Adam Brody) decides to spend a year camped out in front of her house in an attempt to win her love. But Keri has learned her lesson. Instead of tolerating him for the entire movie, she bangs him on the first night, gives him the clap and sends him home. With the geek out of the way, Keri can devote herself full time to the pursuit of her one true love (no, not Scott Speedman), renowned internet humorist The Jay. It’s the happiest ending ever put on film. Ever.Clerks 2Uh, wait… nevermind.Mean Girls 2: Nice Equals DumbCady (Lindsay Lohan) is now in college, and scheming for popularity once again. When her antics turned her into the most popular girl in school, she decided to switch completely to the dark side for College. Losing weight, doing coke, banging frat boys and appearing trashy in all the campus newspapers, it looks like Lindsay, I mean Cady, has finally gone over the edge. Only a visit from her old friend Regina Jacobs (Rachel McAdams, doing more charity work), can help her to snap back to reality, pull her off the drugs, get her to eat a cheeseburger, die her hair red again and stop crashing her car into everything. Only time will tell if Cady can become the cool, full-figured redhead that American first fell for. Only time will tell… Hackers 2: Bloggers UnitedCrash Override (Johnny Lee Miller) has been taken down by the evil Pitt virus, leaving him stranded in a suburb with no DSL connection. Now it’s up to Acid Burn (Angelina Jolie) and her team of hackers -- who compete to have the most friends on MySpace, natch -- to unite the world of bloggers in a last-ditch attempt to save Crash from a fate worse than death: Life without the possibility of internet porn.Gone in 60 Seconds: The Fall of Sharon StoneThis hyper-intense sequel to the fast-moving Nic Cage remake follows Sharon Stone as she accepts a bet to steal 50 movie roles from more deserving actresses, all in one night. She steals 49 (including roles from Meryl Streep and Julia Roberts), but is thwarted in her attempt to capture the 50th role, the ever elusive sequel to Basic Instinct. At first she gets the role and thinks she’s fine, but soon she crashes headlong into the box office wall. She was not wearing a career seat belt. And she is never heard from again. Dodgeball 2: Handball RevengeThe big red balls bounce like crazy as Vince Vaughn and the wacky underdogs from Joe’s Gym attempt to win the Las Vegas Handball Tournament. In Handball, there’s only two rules: Only one hand serves, with no tag ins! And no waterfalls! The Joe’s take on Ben Stiller and some fifth graders in a battle royal finale where winner takes all! Mr. and Mrs. Smith 2: Death of BrangelinaThe Smiths find themselves facing off again after their marriage is found to be a tabloid scam. With each one jockeying for prime US Weekly cover position, only one Smith will come away standing, and with the crown of America’s favorite pretty celebrity who broke up a marriage.Deep Blue Sea 2: Dolphins Attack!In this gripping second chapter to the classic not-at-all-like-Jaws original, Samuel L. Jackson returns as a new billionaire businessman, this time trying to lead a group of divers out of a collapsing Sea World. In the end, with the group’s morale at a dangerous low, he makes an impassioned speech detailing the time he survived having to star in a series of really bad science fiction movies. At the height of his speech, with everyone’s hopes high, a dolphin jumps out of the water and eats him. It’s pretty funny.And so they decide to carry on his legacy, his final wishes. And what were those final wishes? He wants these Muthafuckin’ dolphins off this Muthafuckin’ Sea World!

Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It

The Jay — Wed, 21 Jun 2006 02:44:34 EDT

If I were to tell you about an actor who has worked consistently in major Hollywood movies for over two decades, has often worked with Academy-Award winning writers, actors and directors, and who has a legion of fans that follow him in all his movies, no matter the genre or story, what would your immediate reaction to this person be? Would you think “Wow, this guy must be great. Twenty years of studio movies, he must be talented.” Based solely on the description of the actor written above, with no names attached, would you ever in your right mind assume that the person was bad at his craft; that he sucked? Chances are you wouldn’t. And yet, if after giving you that description, I told you the actor was Keanu Reeves, I bet I know what your reaction would be. “He sucks!”I just don’t get it. In every interview he gives, he comes across as an insightful, cerebral, well-rounded person who doesn’t mire himself in the vagaries of stardom and never asks for more than he needs. His co-stars glow about him, and quality directors line up to put him in their movies. And yet, for some inexplicable reason, he is plagued by this notion that he is dumb. And that he is untalented. And I just don’t get it.How can he suck if he’s still making big movies twenty years into his career? The majority of his early peers are gone and forgotten; actors like Christian Slater, Judd Nelson, Emilio Estevez, Andrew McCarthy, et al, and yet here he is coming out with a huge new movie this Friday (The Lake House). He has survived critical drubbings more severe than he deserves. He has been heckled and flamed and deplored because he has good looks, but a vacant affectation. He is perceived as a flat actor, devoid of charisma, empty of emotional depth. And yet, he’s still here making big movies. So you explain it to me.I have been a fan of Keanu since his Bill & Ted days. I have defended my love for the man who would be Neo to every one of my friends and family. I have gotten into screaming matches with people I barely know, just because I heard them bash the man. And I have never lost an argument about him, because no one can prove that he isn’t a gifted, talented performer. They lose, because I can prove that he is.But my arguing stops now. Once and for all, I am going to prove to the world that Keanu Reeves does NOT suck. And I will prove it to you in 40 point list format. I promise when you finish reading this piece, you will respect, admire, and appreciate the talent that is Keanu Reeves. Let the proving begin…1. If you weren’t impressed by Keanu’s mean, Southern Redneck in The Gift, or at least agree he was impressively intense, well then, we have nothing to talk about. Just click the “X” and leave this site immediately.2. Contrary to popular belief, he has never won a Razzie Award, which is more than I can say for Halle Berry, Charlton Heston, John Travolta, Bruce Willis, Kevin Costner, Demi Moore, Marlon Brando, Dennis Hopper, Sylvester Stallone, Sharon Stone, Faye Dunaway, Woody Harrelson, and Madonna.3. Without being asked, he gave $38 Million dollars to The Wachowski Brothers so they could properly finish the Matrix sequels. $38 Million! Let’s see Tom Cruise drop that much for one of his clunkers.4. He has worked with the following critically acclaimed directors: Francis Ford Coppola, Ron Howard, Bernardo Bertolucci, Gus Van Sant, Sam Raimi, Taylor Hackford, Lawrence Kasdan, Stephen Frears, and Richard Linklater.5. “Whoa.”6. Keanu’s name means “cool breeze over the mountains” in Hawaiian, which is pretty cool. Compare it to Jean Claude Van Damme, which is loosely translated in German as “giant douchebag.”7. The night before he was to shoot his kissing-heavy love scene for A Walk in the Clouds, Keanu took a hockey puck to his mouth, which required six stitches. He still showed up the next day for work and shot the scene over the course of six hours. Let’s see a pussyboy like Orlando Bloom do that! Keanu is hardcore. 8. Showing extreme foresight and good judgment (which is more than I can say for Sandra Bullock), passed on an easy $10 million payday to star in Speed 2, because he didn’t think the script was any good. And he was right. Tell me again why people think he’s stupid?9. Deferred part of his salary on The Replacements (2000) so Gene Hackman could be cast. Obviously, the man knows what makes a movie great. And that would be the Hack Man.10. Has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. They don’t just give those out, you know.11. A personal quote: "I'm a meathead, man. You've got smart people, and you've got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb." At least the man is brave enough to admit who he is.12. He is not nearly as stiff, wooden, or stupid as Paul Walker.13. Has starred in six $100 Million grossing movies. That is more than the following actors many claim are “better” than Keanu: Johnny Depp, George Clooney, Russell Crowe, Leonardo DiCaprio, Colin Farrell, Richard Gere, Hugh Grant, Ethan Hawke, Val Kilmer, Jude Law, Matthew McConaughey, Sean Penn, Joaquin Phoenix, Tim Robbins, Kevin Spacey, Vince Vaughn, Dennis Quaid, and Al freakin’ Pacino!14. Almost never shows up in tabloids, an extremely welcome quality considering the glut of media whores we have today (ahem, TomKat!).15. Yeah, it gave people the impression he’s an idiot, and no, it’s not Shakespeare, but c’mon, who doesn’t love Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure?16. “I am an F-B-I Agent!” That line rules.17. Decided to leave his band “Dogstar” so the rest of the group would not be held back by his celebrity or by his busy schedule. Which is more than I can say for a few other jackass actors/wannabe rockers (ahem, Russell Crowe).18. Managed to keep a straight face all the way through the abysmally crappy Sweet November. That takes talent, people.19. Has worked with the following Academy Award winning actors: Al Pacino, Gene Hackman, Rachel Weisz, Charlize Theron, Jack Nicholson, Diane Keaton, Marisa Tomei, Morgan Freeman, Anthony Hopkins, Emma Thompson, Denzel Washington, Anthony Quinn, Kevin Kline, William Hurt, and that guy who played Bill in Bill & Ted’s. I’m pretty sure he’s won a couple Oscars by now.20. Is “The One.” Warrants mentioning.21. Knows his acting limitations and, in doing so, does not try to overextend himself in roles he couldn’t do. This means not only are his movies better, but so is every movie he turns down. He’s making movies he’s NOT in better – someone give it up for this man.22. Does not own a computer. So you know what that means: he's not a MySpace whore.23. In his review for Speed, Roger Ebert had this to say about Keanu: “Keanu Reeves has never had a role like this before. In fact, in his previous film, he played the mystical Prince Siddhartha, and generally he tends toward dreamy, sensitive characters. That's why it's sort of amazing to see him so cool and focused here, a completely convincing action hero who is as centered and resourceful as a Clint Eastwood or Harrison Ford in similar situations.”24. Has made movies in every single genre. 25. He played Buddha. No, I’m serious, “the” Buddha. Between playing the freaking Buddha and playing a stoner in Bill & Ted’s, why do people think he has no range?26. Back in the '80s, he taught stoners of the world something about history (and brought Napoleon to Waterlube). Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't add that he's totally non, non non, non non, non, non-heinous.27. And despite being viewed as a “stoner,” has never been pigeonholed on screen. In his various film roles, he has played an FBI agent, a cop, a serial killer, a lawyer, a doctor, a dentist, the One, a Quarterback, a musician, an ad exec, a nuclear physicist (hello!), a redneck, a soldier, the freakin’ Buddha, a gay hustler, and a Dog Boy.28. He knows kung fu. So, you know, don’t screw with him.29. When Keanu decides to do a sequel: Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey. When Keanu decides not to do a sequel: Speed 2: Cruise Control. Can this guy pick winners, or what?30. Is none of the following: a Scientologist (Tom Cruise), a john (Hugh Grant), a drug addict (Robert Downey Jr.), a cheat (Jude Law), a phone-thrower (Russell Crowe), hard to work with (Val Kilmer) or a mean bastard (Sean Penn).31. Beside his obvious acting talents, Keanu also surfs, rides motorcycles, was a good enough hockey goalie to earn the nickname “The Wall,” performs Shakespeare, reads philosophy, plays guitar in a slew of rock bands, ballroom dances, horseback rides, and “knows” kung fu. Is there anything he can’t do?32. His name is actually pronounced “kay-ah-nu,” not “key-ah-nu”, and yet he never makes a fuss out of it (ahem, DEMI!).33. Has romanced on-screen: Charlize Theron (twice), Sandra Bullock (twice), Monica Bellucci(twice), Rachel Weisz (twice), Carrie-Anne Moss (thrice), Diane Lane, Connie Nielson, Dina Meyer, and Uma Thurman. This does not necessarily disprove his specific level of suckage, but it does prove that hot actresses want to bang him on-screen, which is an important quality in today’s movie stars. For example, nobody wants to nail Adam Sandler, and he’s not nearly as good an actor as Keanu, even if you count Punch-Drunk Love twice.34. Was in the Pilot episode of the awesome short-lived Jay Mohr show, Action. And since that show ruled all, he in turn, receives a percentage of the ruling. Let’s say 17%.35. To his everlasting credit, never made a cameo appearance on Will & Grace, which makes him only one of five movie stars in the world never to have done so.36. Was the host for a documentary show called Children Remember the Holocaust. He supports the faith, I support him.37. Has a college class based around his movies. “The Films of Keanu Reeves” at the Art Center College of Design in Pasadena, CA. Name another supposedly “sucky” actor who has a college class named after him? That’s right, you can’t, because Keanu’s the only one. Because he kicks ass AND educates the youth of tomorrow.38. Turned down the Val Kilmer role in Heat to do a production of Hamlet in Canada. If I haven’t said it before, let me say it now, the man is devoted to his craft. He works on it, he tries new things. He keeps working. Even if you think he’s not getting better, at least he’s trying. How many movie stars keep pushing themselves after they hit it big? How many just coast along on generic roles and unspectacular performances? Keanu pushes himself. Fuck all to his limitations, he pushes himself and I respect him for it.39. British theater critic Roger Lewis of the Sunday Times in London (who knows something about Shakespeare – after all, he is British) had this to say about Keanu’s Winnipeg-based performance of The Prince of Denmark in Hamlet: "He quite embodied the innocence, the splendid fury, the animal grace of the leaps and bounds, the emotional violence, that form the Prince of Denmark. He is one of the top three Hamlets I have seen, for a simple reason: he ‘is’ Hamlet."40. Brought unto the world the phrase “Bogus, dude,” for which we are all eternally grateful.Now tell me, after reading this piece, do you still think he sucks?I didn’t think so.

Movies With Lazy Titles

The Jay — Mon, 12 Jun 2006 14:33:01 EDT

Here’s the question on everyone’s minds: Is it the fact that there are actual snakes on a plane that entices us so much, or is it that the movie had the balls to actually call itself Snakes on a Plane?I side with the latter. The title is so simple, so beautiful, so… lazy. That's the real genius of the film; the title is perfect because it’s so incredibly and blatantly lazy. And yet, people love it. It got me thinking, are films titles overthinking themselves? Are titles like A Prairie Home Companion and The Hills Have Eyes too verbose and complex? Would audiences like them better if they were called Boring Country Radio Show and Mutant Cannibals in the Desert, respectively? It’s entirely possible in a culture that’s bursting at the seams with entertainment (hundreds of cable channels, boatloads of Direct-to-DVD’s movies, thousands of songs, and an overload of video games, cell phone ring tones, and other useless distractions) the best possible way to get your product to the masses is to be as simple as humanly possible. So in that spirit I tried to deduce what some other film’s would be called if they were as lazy (and brilliant) as Snakes on a Plane. Maybe they don’t prove that simplicity or title exposition is the way to go, but it does prove one thing: Big Momma’s House 2 was a crappy, crappy movie. I think we can all get behind that.Superman Returns – Dude in a CapeCrash – A Bunch of Racists in CarsLeaving Las Vegas – Getting Drunk in VegasOcean’s Eleven – Stealing Stuff in StyleDoom – Video Games at the MoviesCars – CarsWar of the Worlds – Aliens in New JerseyKill Bill – Hot Chicks With SwordsUnderworld: Evolution – Hot Vampires in Black LeatherUltraviolet – Hot Vampires in Red LeatherEight Below – Cute Dogs on a MountainBasic Instinct – Hot Chick with an Ice PickBasic Instinct 2 – Sharon Stone Needs MoneyKing Kong – Gorilla in the NYCFlightplan – Crazy Mom on a PlaneBatman Begins – Hot Guy in Black RubberTyler Perry’s Madea’s Family Reunion – Black Guy in DragLongest Yard – Football in a PrisonPulp Fiction – Gangsters Witness what May or May Not be a Miracle Give Money to Robbers in a Diner then Take Out Their Mob Boss's Drugged Out Wife and Hunt Down the Boxer that Screwed over the Mob Boss Only to Have the Mob Boss Find Him, Get Butt Raped by Some Redneck and Let the Boxer Go When He Saves the Mob BossBig Momma’s House 2 – Another Black Guy in DragShe’s the Man – Hot Girl in Drag Saw II – Dead People in a RoomPoseidon – N/A (Who cares? Nobody went and saw it, anyway.)Brokeback Mountain – Anal Sex on a MountainShawshank Redemption – Two Dudes in a PrisonOffice Space – Dude in a CubicleThe Day After Tomorrow – Bad Weather in AmericaThe Skeleton Key – Blondes on the BayouNotting Hill – Loser Nails a Movie StarAmerican Pie – Dude Screws a PastryDeep Blue Sea – Sharks in a TankSwingers – Broke Actors Hooking UpSideways – Two Guys on a BenderPassion of the Christ – Dude on a CrossAnacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid – Snakes in the JungleThe Terminal – Guy in an AirportJurassic Park – Dinosaurs on an IslandArachnophobia – Spiders in a HouseMission: Impossible 2 – Guys Pulling off Fake MasksRocky IV – Boxer Ends Cold War