http://blogcritics.org/ A sinister cabal of superior bloggers on music, books, film, popular culture, politics, and technology - updated continuously. en Copyright 2005-2007 by the authors Thu, 28 Sep 2006 03:50:06 EDT http://backend.userland.com/rss Blogcritics.org custom software http://blogcritics.org/ Phillip WinnSunday, August 26, 2007, marks the switch of all Blogcritics.org article feeds from full-content to short-content. This is the result of several converging factors, and is unfortunately a permanent decision (as permanent as any decision can be on the web, that is). We are aware of all of the reasons that this is a Bad Idea, and we are aware that some of you will be quite upset about having to click on something to read the free content, and we're sorry. Unfortunately, despite great effort, full-content feeds are not currently economically viable. Two other factors are involved: full-content feeds have resulted in an unprecedented level of content theft, with BC content appearing on many websites, usually spam sites, without attribution or permission. This duplicate content causes a cascading set of problems, not the least of which is that search engines generally aren't favorable to duplicate content, and don't always guess correctly. Finally, our RSS advertising partner is strongly in favor of short-content feeds. We hope that you'll continue to subscribe to BC via RSS, and when an article grabs your eye, it's only a click away, still free on the BC website. Thank you for your understanding. Administration0@blogcritics.org Sun, 26 Aug 2007 12:00:00 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/09/28/035006.php The Fifth DentistSCENE 1:[Senator George Allen (R-VA) is playing in his weekly poker game. Also present are Senator Conrad Burns (R-MT), Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS), Senator Ted Stevens (R-AK), Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY), and Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK).]SEN. BROWNBACK: So what're you going to do George? You gonna run?SEN. ALLEN: Damn right I'm gonna run. This "macaca" thing is bullshit. It's a media creation that'll blow over. I don't even know what "macaca" means. I thought it was the guy's name. That's what my staffers were calling him. Jesus, it's not like I called him "dot head." Then I could see it. I'd never do that in public. Plain and simple, they are out to get me.SEN. BUNNING: Oh I heard this great Indian joke. What do you call a 7-11 with...SEN. STEVENS: You told that one five minutes ago, Jim ...SEN. BUNNING: Sorry.SEN. STEVENS: Who's out to get you, the media?SEN. ALLEN: Well it starts with the media. Most of them are liberal Jews from New York... at least the ones who control everything including Hollywood. They hate the real America and American values. They despise southern Christians most of all. They see me as the embodiment and defender of those things and they want to turn the country into a secular humanist playground where God is banned from the public schools and gay marriage is legal. And most of all they want to open up the borders and let in the entire third world.SEN. BURNS: We had this little Jewish fellah in my platoon during the war...SEN BROWNBACK: I agree with you, George. Just let this thing blow over, you've still got plenty of support within the party.SEN. ALLEN: Thanks, Sam. I know I can count on you guys. SCENE 2: [The master bedroom at the Allen house. Present are Sen. and Mrs. George Allen. The two are in their pajamas, lying in bed, and reading.]MRS. ALLEN: So how was your card game?SEN. ALLEN: I won twenty bucks. By the way, I think Jim Bunning may have Alzheimers.MRS. ALLEN: Well, I'm glad you won. Sorry about Jim. You seem a little down. Is it the whole "macaca" thing?SEN. ALLEN: It's just so unfair.MRS. ALLEN: Do you want to talk about it?SEN. ALLEN: Not really. What I want to do is win so I can shove it down their throats. The media, the liberal elites, the gays... When I was in college we used to beat the shit out of guys like that...MRS. ALLEN: You should probably get some sleep.SEN. ALLEN: You're right. Goodnight, dear.[They kiss goodnight and Mrs. Allen turns out the lights. Several hours pass. The next morning, the sun is up. Mrs. Allen rolls over toward her husband and opens her eyes. Suddenly her eyes become wide, she jumps out of bed, and screams.]MRS. ALLEN: George! There's a man in the bed! There's a man in the bed! Arghh!!!SEN. ALLEN; (groggily) Wha? What? Where? What are you talking about?MRS. ALLEN: (looking confused) Is that you, George?SEN. ALLEN: What do you mean, of course, it's me. Are you feeling okay?MRS. ALLEN: I'm okay, but you need to look in the mirror, George. You look... different. I didn't even recognize you.SEN. ALLEN: What are you talking about?[Sen. Allen gets out of bed and walks quickly to the bathroom mirror. In the mirror he sees that he has a full beard and pais, the curly full-length side burns typically found only on orthodox Jewish men.]SEN. ALLEN; What the hell? Can this happen overnight?MRS. ALLEN: I don't know, dear. Maybe you should see a doctor?SEN. ALLEN: No... no... I can handle this. I don't want anybody see me like this. Do you know what a media circus this would create? Besides, I have to be in Richmond for the debate with Jim Webb. I'll take care of this myself. [Sen. Allen shuts himself in the bathroom for twenty minutes. When he emerges he looks as he usually does, clean shaven with square-cut sideburns. Mrs. Allen still looks concerned.]MRS. ALLEN: I really think you should skip the debate and see a doctor.SEN. ALLEN: No, I'm okay now. Everything is normal. I'm fine. I'll see you tonight after the debate. Please, for god's sake, don't mention this to anyone.MRS. ALLEN: Alright, if that's what you want. SCENE 3:[It's twenty minutes before the televised debate in Richmond. Present in Sen. Allen's dressing room back stage are Sen. Allen, his campaign manager, Dick Wadhams, and several other staffers. ]WADHAMS: Remember, Senator, to associate Webb whenever possible with the liberal elites and entertainment industry in New York and Hollywood that want to "stick their big noses" in Virginia's business. People will pick up on the code. That stuff tested really well down in Danville and in the Tidewater region. SEN. ALLEN: (distractedly) ... right, big noses...WADHAMS: Are you okay, Senator? You seem a little... unfocused. SEN. ALLEN: I'm just a little light-headed. I guess I could use something to eat.WADHAMS: What can I get you?SEN. ALLEN: Do you have maybe a piece of gefilte fish or a bagel?WADHAMS: I'm sorry, Senator, did you say you wanted some kind of fish?SEN. ALLEN: Um, no, no, can I get a ham sandwich or some fried pork rinds or something?WADHAMS: Oh... no problem, I'll have an intern run out and get that for you.SEN. ALLEN: ... and maybe a glass of seltzer or a Dr. Browns...WADHAMS: ... I'm sorry, a doctor what... ?SEN. ALLEN: What did I just say? I meant a Diet Coke. SCENE 4:[The televised debate. In front of a an audience of two thousand, Jim Webb is concluding his opening statement.]WEBB: ... and that's why we need new leadership in Washington that will hold the president accountable when he grossly violates the Constitution. Senator Allen and the rest of the Republican majority simply haven't provided proper oversight. If elected, I will.MODERATOR: Thank you, Secretary Webb. Senator Allen, you have two minutes for your opening statement.SEN. ALLEN: Thank you. Good evening, ladies and gentleman. This election offers a stark contrast between the values of the real America here in Virginia and those of the liberal elites in New York and Hollywood. I share your respect for the traditional values of heterosexual marriage, hard work, the Pledge of Allegiance, and the Ten Commandments. In contrast, my opponent, Jim Webb, has spent much of this campaign out in Hollywood raising money from Hollywood producers. These Hollywood producers want to stick their big noses... you see, they all have big noses, except the ones who get them fixed... and those beards... and... and...[The room is silent for several seconds.]SEN. ALLEN: I'm sorry. I can't do this. You see, I came here tonight to get you to vote against Jim Webb because he took money from a bunch of Jews out in Hollywood. I realize now that it's a pretty silly way to run a country. I came to this realization because this morning... I found out I'm one of them. And now that I know, it's changed my thinking. I find it ludicrous and inappropriate to run the kind of xenophobic, anti-intellectual, and anti-elite campaign that I was planning to run. Quite frankly, it's the kind of scapegoating that's been used against my people since the beginning of time. And I'm tired of eating pork rinds just to make you think I'm one of you. I had some just before I came out here and it's really giving me schpilkis. What is this unending human obsession with assimilation? I have to eat like you, look like you, talk like you and pray like you or you won't vote for me? Well, screw that. Because if you don't realize that I am like you simply because we're both human beings, then I feel sorry for you. Anyway, bi gezunt, and God bless America. [With apologies to the great Melvin Van Peebles.] Politics53567@blogcritics.org Thu, 28 Sep 2006 03:50:06 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/05/05/115626.php The Fifth DentistIn disturbing news to conservative Christians in the United States, Pope Benedict XVI, yesterday made a surprising stand against the convolution of church and state by excommunicating two newly ordained Chinese bishops. The bishops had just been installed by the Chinese government's sanctioned and controlled branch of the Catholic church without Vatican approval when they were informed that their services were no longer required. The Pope also stated publicly for the first time that maybe it wasn't such a great idea after all to have a lack of separation between the Chinese government and the church. As is completely proper, Catholics in China are allowed to worship only at government-approved Catholic churches. This was a situation that the Pope found acceptable if not convenient, provided the local branch of the church continued to take orders from the Vatican. However, the situation became intolerable and an affront to religious freedom when the Chinese government started to make religious decisions on its own without getting prior approval from the Vatican.The fact that the establishment of an official state religion might have negative consequences for the religion itself comes as a complete shock to everyone. Well, not exactly everyone. A few eighteenth century kooks, radical secular humanists, and anti-Christian bigots had previously made this claim in some obscure subversive publications. Such long discredited cranks and nitwits as James Madison, Thomas Jefferson, and John Adams long ago claimed in outmoded documents such as the "Federalist Papers" and the United States Constitution that religion and government should remain separate as much for the benefit of religion as for government.Most politicians and religious leaders in the United States long ago realized that these ideas no longer had any validity and were advanced solely to further the radical agenda of those who wanted to turn our children into miniature drag queens. That the Pope should now come out on the same side as these anti-Jesus child molesters is extremely disappointing to say the least. Politics47308@blogcritics.org Fri, 5 May 2006 11:56:26 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/01/22/002805.php The Fifth DentistRepublicans Vow To Clean Up Washington. In Related News, Satan Vows to Clean up Hell.U.S. Kills Bin Laden's Number Two (Again) Bringing Total to Two Number Threes, a Number Four and Three Number Fives. Pentagon Bemoans That We're Not Playing Stratego. Unfazed Bin Laden To Continue Issuing New Recordings at Same Rate as Eminem.Whale Stranded in River Thames Dies: Prince Andrew Unavailable for Comment about Death of Former Spouse.Hamas Poised to Defeat Fatah in Palestinian Elections. Hamas Leader Barghouti Refers to Self as "Compassionate Conservative" stating: "I'm a Uniter not a Disemboweler; Well, Actually, I Like Both."U.S. Allows Cuban National Team To Compete in World Baseball Classic: As Part of Deal, Cuba Agrees to Take Tampa Bay Devil Rays.Bond's Aston Martin from "Goldfinger" Sells for 2.1 Million: Still no Takers for Yugo from "A View To A Kill".Scientists Find "No Link" Between Cell Phone Use and Brain Cancer: Remain Unsure about Link Between Internet Use and Masturbation.Nagin Says New Orleans to be Rebuilt As "Chocolate City": Outraged Frankenberry Threatens Lawsuit. Robertson Attributes Sharon Stroke to Divine Retribution: Astonished Deity Denies Talking To Robertson, Claims Sharon was "Old and Overweight." Politics42588@blogcritics.org Sun, 22 Jan 2006 00:28:05 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/25/020247.php The Fifth DentistOn Tuesday, Vice President Dick Cheney made a startling discovery with historic implications. While cleaning out some papers from an antique desk, the Vice President apparently discovered a new "Federalist Paper" hitherto lost to history. The Federalist Papers were a series of eighty-five articles written under the pen name "Publius" by Alexander Hamilton, James Madison, and John Jay in late 18th century. Their purpose was to gain popular support for the proposed Constitution. It now appears that an eighty-sixth paper by these founding fathers was lost to history for over two centuries. Even more startling is that the essay appears to directly contradict many of the previous Federalist Papers. Constitutional experts believe that this discovery may result in significant reinterpretation of the doctrine of "separation of powers" as well as reconsideration of the relationship between the President and Congress.The first hint of a change in tone from earlier Federalist Papers is the surprisingly strident title of the new paper: "Why Congress Should Go Fuck Itself." The paper presents a less enthusiastic attitude toward the separation of powers doctrine than Federalist 51 which states: "the constant aim is to divide and arrange the several offices in such a manner as that each may be a check on the other -- that the private interest of every individual may be a sentinel over the public rights." Regarding the relationship of the President and Congress, Federalist 51 states that "in republican government, the legislative authority necessarily predominates." In contrast, the new paper addresses these issues by stating only that: "Congress should do what it's told like a little bitch."The new paper also seems to take a broader view of the President's war powers than was expressed in Federalist 69 which explains that the President's powers as commander-in-chief "amount to nothing more than the supreme command and direction of the military and naval forces" while all other powers "appertain to the legislature." In contrast, the new paper states: "the President, as the physical embodiment of the American people, is the owner of the state, and may dispose of his property, including persons suspected of un-American activities, as he wishes." All of this would seem to be a notable departure from the tone of Federalist 70 which argued against concentrating too much power in the hands of one man particularly during times of war: "Every man the least conversant in Roman story, knows how often that republic was obliged to take refuge in the absolute power of a single man, under the formidable title of Dictator, as well against the intrigues of ambitious individuals who aspired to the tyranny, and the seditions of whole classes of the community whose conduct threatened the existence of all government, as against the invasions of external enemies who menaced the conquest and destruction of Rome. [...] Man, in public trust, will much oftener act in such a manner as to render him unworthy of being any longer trusted, than in such a manner as to make him obnoxious to legal punishment."Constitutional experts were unavailable to comment on this last passage as they had been taken into custody at an undisclosed location. Politics41443@blogcritics.org Sun, 25 Dec 2005 02:02:47 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/17/101653.php The Fifth DentistSCENE: A supermarket. A woman is picking up and examining various brands of bathroom tissue. Unable to tell the difference between two leading brands, she absent-mindedly tosses one in her shopping cart. As she does this, President George W. Bush steps from behind a display of paper towels.THE PRESIDENT: Excuse me ma'am. I couldn't help but notice that you just picked the store brand of bathroom tissue. Can I ask why?WOMAN: Oh, well I suppose they're all the same. Bathroom tissue is bathroom tissue.THE PRESIDENT: That's where you're wrong. Some bathroom tissue is more equal than others. Uh, ARE more equals than others. I mean, some are more better than the ones that are less good. Oh, you know what I mean. Anyway, that's why I always recommend Patriot Act Bathroom Tissue. (He holds up a package of bathroom tissue for the camera. The package contains a large smiling picture of George W. Bush. ) It's the only brand I ever use, and the only brand I allow in the White House and on Air Force One.WOMAN: What's so special about Patriot Act?THE PRESIDENT: It's made with real pieces of the U.S. Constitution. Here take a closer look. (He hands her a piece of toilet tissue on which the words "We the people" can clearly be seen.) See, there's the preamble right there. And that's not just stamped on there. That is an actual piece of parchment from one of the original copies of the constitution produced in 1789.WOMAN: Wow. That must be expensive?THE PRESIDENT: Well sure, Patriot Act costs a little more, but believe me, it's worth it. Every morning after I jog three miles and eat a healthy breakfast, I like to retire to the powder room with my Patriot Act and the junior jumble. It's one of the few places I can relax in peace. But Patriot Act will make anyone feel like a pampered chief executive. This morning, I wiped myself with the Fourth and Thirteenth Amendments.WOMAN: But isn't parchment abrasive?THE PRESIDENT: No that's a common misconception. Eighteenth century parchment is actually twice as soft as a Presidential Daily Briefing and three times as absorbent as the paper used in most basic science textbooks.WOMAN: Wow. I'm sold. I think I'll give Patriot Act a try. (She puts the store brand bathroom tissue back on the shelf and picks up a package of Patriot Act.) Hey, this roll has part of the Fifth Amendment.ANNOUNCER: New Patriot Act bathroom tissue. Wipe your ass with the U.S. Constitution just like George W. Bush. Politics41122@blogcritics.org Sat, 17 Dec 2005 10:16:53 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/11/21/093620.php The Fifth DentistMosul, Iraq (AP) -- The US military announced today that it is "quite possible" that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was among those killed in a weekend raid in northern Iraq. The raid took place last Saturday in the northern Iraqi city of Mosul, a US counterterrorism expert said. The official said US commanders do not know whether al-Zarqawi -- whom US authorities call Al Qaeda's top man in Iraq -- was in the house, which was targeted because suspected Al Qaeda members were thought to be inside. According to the same official, US commanders also can not rule out the possibility that former fascist dictator Generalisimo Francisco Franco may also have been killed in the raid, though other intelligence indicates that Franco may have died of natural causes in 1975. The official also refused to rule out the possiblity that Jim Morrison, Ted Kaczinsky, Dr. Joyce Brothers, and the late Nipsy Russell may have been in the house with al-Zarqawi. The official stated that the military must conduct "further tests" to confirm the truth or falsity of any of these rumors but that it is "highly likely that somebody was probably in the house" when it was leveled by US airstrikes. "We're fairly confident that one or more persons of interest, possibly including al-Zarqawi, were neutralized when the house was destroyed," said the US official.The Mosul attack is part of a series of coordinated strikes on suspected terrorist staging grounds which US commanders have dubbed "Operation Iron Blowtorch." According to sources inside the Department of Defense, much of the intelligence supporting this operation was extracted from suspects being held at US detention facilities like the one at Guantamo Bay, Cuba. Other intelligence supporting the operation is rumored to have been developed by the Department of Justice's controversial practice of monitoring activity at US public libraries. According to DOJ officials, al-Zarqawi's whereabouts were confirmed by the checkout of Simple Lessons I learned the Hard Way by Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, at the Palmdale, CA, public library. The DOJ source said, "Our software flagged the checkout of these materials as unlikely to be for legitimate purposes." The DOJ source refused to comment on how al-Zarqawi's whereabouts were pinpointed based on the library book.Edited: nd Politics39841@blogcritics.org Mon, 21 Nov 2005 09:36:20 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/11/18/234003.php The Fifth DentistSCENE: The Oval Office. The President is frantically talking into a red phone on his desk.THE PRESIDENT: This is the President calling Justice League ... President calling Justice League ... Come in, Justice League ... Where the hell are you guys?JUSTICE LEAGUE: Justice League here. Sorry, Mr. President, I was in the bathroo ... answering an emergency call. How can we help you? Gosh, it's been a long time since you picked up the red phone. THE PRESIDENT: I'm afraid things aren't going that well lately. I know you guys helped FDR against the Nazis and the Japanese during World War II. Well we're at war again against an equally dangerous enemy, and your country needs you desperately.JUSTICE LEAGUE: That's why we're here, Mr. President. What do you need us to do?THE PRESIDENT: Thank God. I'm at my wit's end over here. All right, I need Superman, Batman and Captain America to establish a perimeter 50 miles south of Baghdad. Then I need Wonder Woman to ...JUSTICE LEAGUE: Uh, Mr. President, I'm afraid some of the superheroes you mentioned are no longer with us. THE PRESIDENT: Oh really? Which ones?JUSTICE LEAGUE: Actually, all of them sir.THE PRESIDENT: No Superman?JUSTICE LEAGUE: No.THE PRESIDENT: Batman?JUSTICE LEAGUE: Sorry.THE PRESIDENT: OK then, plan B. Just have Aquaman round up about 30 whales off the coast of Basra ...JUSTICE LEAGUE: I'm afraid he's gone too, sir.THE PRESIDENT: Really? You do still have superheroes in the Justice League don't you?JUSTICE LEAGUE: Oh yes sir, we've got plenty of superheroes.THE PRESIDENT: Well, would you mind telling me who you've got available, I'm in kind of hurry here; we're losing about 20 soldiers a week in Iraq right now.JUSTICE LEAGUE: Well, Captain Bullshit is available, and also ...THE PRESIDENT: Did you say Captain Bullshit?JUSTICE LEAGUE: Yes sir.THE PRESIDENT: What exactly can Captain Bullshit do?JUSTICE LEAGUE: Oh, he can put together a video tape splicing together out-of-context sound bites from Democratic politicians speaking about Iraq in 2002.THE PRESIDENT: What the fuck am I going to do with that? How's that going to help us win the war?JUSTICE LEAGUE: Oh, well, it's not exactly going to help win the war, sir, but it will spread the blame around a little when we lose.THE PRESIDENT: Are you fucking kidding me? Who else you got?JUSTICE LEAGUE: Well, we've got Major Salesjob, Lackeyman, the Profiteer, the Green Dollar...THE PRESIDENT: What can those guys do?JUSTICE LEAGUE: Well, Major Salesjob has pretty much the same powers as Captain Bullshit. Uh, Lackeyman will tell you that everything is going OK and you'll be able to at least sleep a little better at night. The Profiteer pretty much tries to find ways to make money on the war. The Green Dollar is pretty much the same as the Profiteer.THE PRESIDENT: Jesus Christ. What happened to the kinds of superheroes who can run through a machine-gun position or crash through a wall? Do we have anybody like that?JUSTICE LEAGUE: Uh, no sir, I'm afraid we don't. Oh, wait a minute, I just remembered that the Blue Smear just finished his prior mission and is now available.THE PRESIDENT: Great, what can he do? Can he locate buried explosives with his X-ray vision?JUSTICE LEAGUE: No sir. But he can dig up dirt about your political opponents and make them unelectable.THE PRESIDENT: I'm so fucked.Edited: nd Politics39749@blogcritics.org Fri, 18 Nov 2005 23:40:03 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/11/06/153529.php The Fifth DentistJust grab your sack and you'll hear a tale A tale of a total crock That started with some yellow cake And ended with IraqThe Pres was a mighty drinking man The Veep was a big fat shit A hundred million bags of douche Had voted for this twit ... had voted for this twitThe weather started getting rough And FEMA came up short Then he tried to put his typist On the nation's highest court ... the nation's highest courtThe ship sunk ground on a shore of this Unfriendly mid-east pileWith Bushigan ... Dick Cheney too ... Jack Abramoff ... And Delay Miss Harriet ... ...and Brownie too ... Are here on Bushigan's Isle... ... ... ... ... ...This is the tale of our country now We're fucked for a long, long time We'll have to make the best of things Until two thousand nineThe children of the right-wing nuts Who watch this and applaud Will someday clean the toilets In the fucking House of SaudNo brains, no plans, no Geneva rights Not a single moral qualm Like Kissinger and Nixon They'll drop some more napalmSo join us here each week my friends You're sure to need a smile With things as badly fucked as this Here on Bushigan's Isle Politics39095@blogcritics.org Sun, 6 Nov 2005 15:35:29 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/10/18/144435.php The Fifth DentistScene 1: White House Press Corps Gives Scott McClellan an Atomic WedgieDAVID GREGORY: Scott aren't you contradicting what you told us five minutes ago?McCLELLAN: I didn't tell you anything five minutes ago, I was just clearing my throat...DAVID GREGORY: OK guys, grab him and hold him down...McCLELLAN: NO!!! Don't ... waughh!!!(Ripping sound is heard as the wasteband of McClellan's underpants is stretched over his head)McCLELLAN: (sobbing)-------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 2: Harriett Miers Confirmation HearingSEN. SCHUMER: Ms. Miers do you really consider yourself to be the most qualified person for this appointment?HARRIET MIERS: Yes I do, Senator.SEN. SCHUMER: Then can you explain it to me? It seems there are hundreds if not thousands of judges, law school professors, and legal scholars who are far more qualified than you.HARRIET MIERS: Senator, I earned this appointment. Do you have any idea how much ass I had to kiss to get here? How many idiotic birthday cards I had to send with insipid inscriptions? How long I've had to kow-tow to morons? This eye makeup? Do you think I wanted to dress like this? But I hung in there and I earned this fucking appointment and ... ... I've blown it haven't I?SEN. SCHUMER: Yeah.HARRIER MIERS: Shit. --------------------------------------------------------- Scene 3: Karl Rove Is ArrestedROVE: You know you've got no case, Patrick. Nobody is going to talk. I'm not going to tell you anything. You're just destroying your own legal career. I'll personally see to it that your next job is at some legal aid clinic.PATRICK FITZGERALD: Why don't we talk about it on the way to the airport?ROVE: The airport? What are you talking about? Aren't we going to the Justice Department?PATRICK FITZGERALD: No actually I'm taking you to Guantanamo for a few months of questioning. Don't worry, it's all perfectly legal.ROVE: Shit. ----------------------------------------------------------------Scene 4: Mike Brown's Next JobBROWNIE: Would you like to supersize that?----------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 5: William Bennett in It's a Wonderful Life(A cemetery.) Upon the tombstone is engraved a name, Ronald Reagan. Feverishly William Bennett scrapes away the snow covering the rest of the inscription, and we read: "IN MEMORY OF OUR BELOVED GOVERNOR - RONALD REAGAN - 1911-1967"CLARENCE: Your hero, Ronald Reagan was killed after ordering police to fire at an anti-war protest in Los Angeles in 1967 at the age of 56.(Bennett jumps up.)BENNETT: That's a lie! Ronald Reagan was president for two terms. He started the modern conservative movement. He invaded Grenada!CLARENCE: (sadly) You see William, Martin Luther King was never born because all black children had been aborted so the riot wasn't averted. Reagan wasn't there to start the conservative movement because King wasn't there to save Reagan. Walter Mondale was President for two terms. Grenada is still under Cuban control because Reagan wasn't there to invade it. Don't you see William, black people have really had wonderfully useful lives. Don't you see what a mistake it would be to throw them all away? BENNETT: Clarence! Clarence! Help me, Clarence. Get them back. Get them back. I don't care what happens to me. Only get me back my black friends. Help me, Clarence, please! Please! I want them to live again!CLARENCE: Shit.Ed/Pub:LisaM Politics38106@blogcritics.org Tue, 18 Oct 2005 14:44:35 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/10/17/142235.php The Fifth DentistIronic justice is being served in this year's Virginia governor's race as anti-gay Republican candidate Jerry Kilgore finds himself on the receiving end of a damaging rumor inferring that he is secretly gay. Kilgore, who is married with two children, would seem an unlikely target for this treatment, unless you'd actually heard him speak. Based solely on hearing his effeminate voice, one would imagine Kilgore to be a cross between Jim J. Bullock and Paul Lynde. Apparently Kilgore's voice is so stereotypically gay-sounding that this rumor is not being dispelled even by his website's proud boast that he is vehemently opposed to both gay unions and gay adoption. Presumably Kilgore feels that if a gay man wants to have children, he should marry a beard and squeeze out a couple of drops under duress.I'd feel bad for Kilgore if not for two things. The first is that Republican George Allen successfully used a similar anti-gay smear campaign against his opponent Mary Sue Terry in his 1993 campaign for Virginia Governor. So payback is in order here. The second reason not to feel bad for Kilgore is the ridiculously distasteful series of television commercials he has employed against his Democratic opponent Tim Kaine. The subject of these commercials is Kaine's opposition to the death penalty. In these spots, relatives of murder victims imply that Kaine killed their family members. In one commercial, a family member notes that Kaine would not have supported the execution of Adolph Hitler (as if Hitler plans to move to Richmond when Kaine is elected.)While I don't condone gay-baiting, I do find it entertaining to see a typical gay-bashing Republican like Kilgore being destroyed by the lies, stereotypes, and hatred against gays that he and his party have fostered for political gain. It reminds me of Melvin Van Peebles' great 1970 film Watermelon Man in which a racist wakes up one morning to find out that overnight he's become a black man. Hopefully, like Godfrey Cambridge in that film, Kilgore will learn what it's like to walk in somebody else's loafers. Somehow I doubt it. But I am confident that this campaign will be fertile material for future historians trying to document the decline of civilization into a new dark age. That's something positive at least. ed/pub:NB Politics38002@blogcritics.org Mon, 17 Oct 2005 14:22:35 EDT